Its the last day of May. I looked back upon May, reading my past entries, reflecting. There are a few that made me smile, a few that made me smurk. Mostly thought if not all had tinges that made me reminiscent. Someone once told me to reminiscent is good. It makes us think where we can improve in the future. I'm starting to doubt this.
Almost all have hints or drops of jupiter in them. And reading them back and over again, I'm questioning myself why I have been in such a state. Then only I realise, I still am in that state.
Life has been no less than ordinary for me. This months has been no exception none the less. I don't have to think hard. May has completely taken me out and over. From the very 1st day up until now. It has been all but of memories, sweet & sour. Bitter medicine some may say. And yet there are also the flashes, the angst, the sufferings, the deceit and the familiar terrains.
Everything has taken and bowled me over till the tenth pin drops.
In questioning the pains, I have had the pleasure to also recieve a little bit of heaven here on earth. Not plentiful. Just enough in bits & pieces to ensure my sanity doesn't run off. Enough just to confirm rejection from an asylum. Heh, I really did had that though in my mind once.
In all the goodness and the bad, 1 thing sticks out like a sore thumb. Only 1 keeps prickling like a thorn on a stalk of rose. Everything points to myself and my inabilites to adapt fast enough in this emotional game they call LOVE.
It has all boiled down to me. Just 1 thing, me. Yesh you're correct. No point rubbing your eyes trying to re-read again. Don't bother to refresh this page thinking theres a glitch online. It is me. Everything now is about me and my flaws.
I'm at the edges of losing myself again. Im still reeling in the pain of a lost love. Still in doubts, still being paranoid and still acting in a big play called denial. Still-ness. In all honesty then why have I found myself in another web thats growing, entangling myself, subjecting myself to the game. Why ?
Plain simple cofusion. Its not about other people no more. Its just down to me. Think I need my drill sergeant to shout the living daylights out of me to wake up. Like how Staff Hassan use to do it in the old Delta days,
The hypnotic effects are still twirling around endlessly up there. Been feeling dizzy, hazy & outta sorts this whole day. Maybe kidding the doctor with a bad case of headache is hitting back on me. Arghhh.
Maybe its just too much sleep. Cause I slept at ard 1plus am yesterday. Woke up at 10. Zombying around the house a few hours before I feel asleep again till maghrib. Only then has my brain found the correct tick work. It was really outta sorts today.
The feeling of my maiden track session in pasir gudang is just unbelievable. Really I tell you. Gosh, made me really wonder how I could let slip 6 years of my biking world without entering the arena.
"...remember your parents when you're in there..." "...remember me when you're in there..."
Someone msg-ed me that before I left. And I really2 was thinking of all my loved ones, especially when the track was feeling dangerously close to me during the corners. Well for my first time, I should think I'm ok. Not good, but not bad. My machine is really great. I love Rose no.2 *grins*
Can't wait for my next track session. I want to improve. I want to make sure I don't stray into the gravel no more. I want to take the corners till my knee sliders are that low. I want to hit under 2mins for my lap time. I want it all.
And I'm thinking, do I want something else ??
Yesterday evening, fresh from Pasir Gudang, all blurry and heavy eyed I went to watch X men. The ol lepak gang. A personal opinion, I hate the way the movie went. Darn, I love X men, but why did the movie had to end that way.
So after the movies, we were just relaxing & chatting to our cups of cold drinks. I was just waiting for my Guardian Angel to msg me. In the end that msg never came. & I rotted at home till this point where I'm blogging. It seemed we're drifiting further apart. I dont know. And to think I had such a wonderful Saturday with her. Guess thats just me, just unable to hold on to something great.
For you were also in my thoughts during the corners, dear Angel.
In hoping for the best, we still got to live life to the max.
Sing a long session was orchestrated to almost a perfect pitch. Nothing is perfect in this world, so an almost perfect is as good as it gets. 1 picture sums it all up. I miss you guys already.
That was friday. Woke up all blurry eyed with a hanging heart that ended with the previous post. Heh oh well. I was going to have a wonderful event later on in the day. Unexpectedly, though as much as expected *smurks* something good came up in the afternoon. Something I'll reveal when its all fully settled. *grins sheepishly*
1 character thats in my life now is my Guardian Angel. 1 of the wonderful characters thats helping me put colour into my life. And since yesterday was our first official date, heh, I've decided to put a lil bit of her here.
My guardian angel. I shall not reveal her full name for one should not scorn the wrath of an angry woman, not least an angel. Heh.
Lets call her Lis. I met Lis in a strange and bizarre manner. An interview for work. *Peers eyes to my young apprentice, my jedi knight, my lil'un they call bond. Heh. Thank you* She was applying around for work, and back then I was co-ordinationg job applications. Intresting how we were not meant to be colleagues, but our connections were somehow rekindled through the wonderful friendster.
That was like 7-8 months ago. Our paths though were never meant to cross each other except through little msn chats here & there.
As such fate brough many similarities between what she's going through & what I already went through. So with the douldroums of depression for me, a shining light came down to preside over the darkness. The companionship each provided the other was mere relief to the storms that were rattling on. My guardian angel was born.
Cruelty is a wrong word to describe how fate spins the discs of life. Its an understatement for her, that word. I can only watch in agony sometimes how this angel of mine survives through the hardships and yet with every obstacle I am facing she's able to lift my chin up so effortlessly.
The Da Vinci code was a good movie, opening many wonderful facts and myths that I had read up in my long gone book reading years. Though I know how much truth the story is, it really made me think about something else. The pure biasness of such is a calamity. Don't get me wrong, I'm not touching on a new topic. Its been said many times before, even before the "war against terrorism."
Just...just dont understand how a man claiming to be an apostle of god in a brown robe going round in a killing spree IS not labelled, 'terrorism.'
Another definitive though, when a clegry man of god in white robe and tresses with matching white beards and headcover holding a wooden stick (mind you, not an AK47) can be labelled, 'terrorism.'
Something is just plain wrong. I'm certainly not agreeing into killings. Jihad has gone wrong in interpretation for many idiots. A line from DVC clearly states that those who kill go to hell! Everyone agrees with that, me none the less.
And so it was said by Robert Langdon,
"A picture paints a thousand words. Just which words...?"
You have your say from the evening's best pictures.
Left: Our early dinner at Mak's Place Hawkerant.
Right: Don't mind her. Shes just a lil tipsy, thats all.
Heh. The camera couldn't fit our heads with the self timer, so it did an auto delete ;P
Oh, recently my mum told me that I loved myself to much & its going to be my downfall with woman *ponders* Oh well...The next picture says alot.
Acam...? Ada setail ak the pose ? Heh think its true I love myself too much (",)
Oh something my guardian angel said after our cam whoring session made me utter this phrase,
"I am dying a little everyday only to be resurrected and renewed to be a better me, constantly."
PS; for those who could be squirmishing about our matching attire, it was totally mere coincidence. Just like every other thing that had brought me & her together. Don't you agree Lis ?
They say to love is to let go. For when a person is able to let go of their love one, only then will they truly understand what love is all about.
Blurry water shed eyes are all about 1's lost love. Ludricous lyrics all penned down for the comfort of many a waning hearts. I have found this the good and old fashion way. Screaming one's heart out at the top of their freaking lungs.
A revolution of sorts has taken place amidst many situations of sorts. From the sad to the happy, the good to tha bad or vice versa and the unexpected to the expected....
Someone pointed out that its all to cliche' this love thing sometimes. We all even wonder if its all really worth it ? I do for one, now think & understand that its all really2 worth it. I dont know about you. No matter how cliche' it sometimes seems to be, that tingling feeling of familiarity is the one that people seek so often, so so often.
And so with the coming of age, the unnerving flip of a chapter or the switching of a button...it has to be done sometimes. No doubt, it can easily be returned. Just a small step back but...
Try walking from point A to point B. When you take 3 steps forward, move back 2 steps. Repeat the process in getting to point B...
So we must sometimes understand that we can only walk around the garden a few times. More, or too many times walking round the garden and we will only find ourselves age without grace unlike the beautiful scenery our eyes catch hold of.
Underneath it all, that is what truly matters though.
So don't you take what is superficially on display, for many have already been fooled. Just like a political campaign clammering for voters. Its just superficial most of the times. So don't you take what is superficially on display. For deep deep down inside, I'm sure you still remember and recognise that glowing heart of mine thats beating with a constant pound...drumming to a mystic chant of the old sharma. Mystically and alluringly to where I should no longer belong, which is to you.
...All this is just a figment of my imagination... ...All this are just tricks of my mind to help me get back up... ...But what really are all this ?
Oh I've been reeiving a few good and positive remarks about this blog. Thanks people for the feedback. I really hope you've enjoyed RIDAK's rollercoaster ride. Heh. Do come again =P
In getting feedback, I've realised that I've been pretty blur about a number of figures in my life that Ive constantly mentioned. I'll try to clear the doubts. Starting with today cause...
How could I have forgotten to mentioned it yesterday. Other than my sister's birthday, it was also miss hourglass's birthday *sprays confetti* . She finally hit the big 2 in front. Hehe. Well I was a little dissapointed that I couldn't catch up with my eyecandy on her birthday *anticiapates alot of rolling eyes*
K I shall say it clearly. *Braces myself* Miss hourglass is my eyecandy. Heh. Erm its more of a kiddy crush ? I'm pretty sure she knows about it already. Well, we are good friends nothing more, yet. Haha. Just me with a little extra thoughts in my head =P
So since she had spent some time with me on my birthday, I was really looking forward to spending a little time with her on her special day. She was partying too much haha, smsing me at 7am yesterday trying to confirm our meet up. As expected, she slept all through the day and I wasnt able to be slotted in any other time slot. *Thinking if she'll ever read this post*
Oh well, luckily I had already arranged a group session tonight. Yeah tonight. So menteri, shift, fariz, nora ting tong, blurr, lady byotch, Jam & farhan. See you all tonight. I miss this crowd of people. I really do. siGh.
Anyway since I lost my 512Mb memory card, I've lost alot of many person's contacts & pictures. I must learn to back up my cards to my computer. Oh well I'm just lucky I have a few of miss hourglass's pics in my compt. Thses are just some of my favourites ;) right: the first pic of many
left: our maiden hosting session. what a memory
lefties: from our hari raya series :p couple shots konon haha *she'll flake me if she sees this*
right: we were the perjumpaan hosts :) another sweet memory.
left: blurry eyes after overnight bbq.
right: how could I not smile. heh.
Actually I have 1 favourite pic, which I named "akak sexy & abg berg" haha (hearing all the laughs, esp from those who've seen that pic) but it was not back up-ed in my compt. I presume the memory card is still somewhere at TPE. So I cant upload it here. Oh well.
Since that lost, this pic has been my favourite. When she saw me put it as my L7 background, she only commented , "Nonsense" haha. Oh well. This is my eye candy.
...All this is just a figment of my imagination... ...All this are just tricks of my mind to help me get back up... ...But what really are all this ?
It has never failed to amaze me, that whenever in need family is always there. My family; as strangely different each uique character is, we seem to be unified with 1 common understanding so far.
To be there for each other in times of need.
So today there was a need. Not a we need help need, but more the need to lubricate our delicate blend of gel thats holding us together. My sister turns 23 today *hoorah & sprays confetti* & the family has always made it a point to go out for a family meal on each others birthday. Tonight was no exception.
Oh the funny lil thing about my sister is shes strange *rolls eyes* hah. Well she came back with a pout and all noisily complaining. She was venting steam the moment she stepped in the front door asking why I never pick up her call. I was riding just now & had just recently arrived home myself. She had got herself into a bike crash earlier & was needing my help. Sheesh, last week it was me, this week is her. But its sadder for her cause its her birthday. Not much for talking when shes venting, I just took the bike keys and rode her bike under the block to inspect under the lightings.
Its not that bad. A case of jatuh bodoh jugak, just that she had another bike brake her fall. So okay la, not so bad the scratches. Just very badly placed right ferring & shattered windscreen. Oh well there goes my money again. *shakes head in disbelief*
The dinner was a relief for her I think. Ha, well at least it was for me. It helped me eat, alot. My youngest sister was just cam whoring the whole time. Aiyoh think almost all the pictures contained her in it, and shes not the birthday gurl haha. Well theres some pictures to show me & my family. I highly recommend going to Pattaya Garden Restaurant at Changi Road for the Prawn tempura, only. Haha.
left: the birthday girl & me mum
right: my youngest sister with my dad.
left : me & my sister. Wow shes all grown up =P
Oh this last picture a little extra. Reached home and just couldnt resist taking 1 'merenung' shot. Haha...
"ke mana aje fikiran & tenungan ku sampai"
If you're there and not feeling for thai food, Jong Ann Restaurant just moved in a couple of units away. Its more known as Boh Seng to my family cause my dad is constantly sitting at this coffeeshop when it was at its Pasar Geylang premises. & he knows the owner and his son. Boh Seng is the name of the owner. Heh, so now we should call it Ah Kwang, since the son already took over, heh!
Oh without fail, the family also made me emotional. -shrugs- My mum blurted my 'sadness' to my sisters. Great, now they 'officially' know. Oh well...Just got to try harder to move on. She finally updated her blog after a month of hiatus, today. Oh well...
"We have to be real wary & careful when trying to console people who had broken down for we may brake down harder ourselves."
The topsy turvy week of last continues to this. A very strange yet very familiar pattern has arisen of late, it goes something like;
Up - Down - Up - Down
Bliss - Sad - Bliss - Sad
Stupid - Enlightened - Stupid - Englightened
Catch my saying here ?
Still rather muddle headed for my choices of the near future. I really need good sound advice and I don't want it from people who knows my past & what turmoil I'm going through. Does that make sense ?
Well I went to view my new house just now. It was still very much in construction and amidst renovation. The most appropiate word to use is...Small... It is small compared to what I'm used to. Just got to get use to it. Heh, my guardian angel had pointed out its time for me to get my own. Ha. Even my lil sister told me that when I lamented about the apartment size. Guess yup, maybe in 2 to 3 years time, I'll definietly be able to own an apratment myself.
The question is who will share that abode with me ?
If life is bliss now, it is only so due to a reason.
Ignorance is bliss
There are so many things which I have had to ignore, purposely left unknown or even things which are being deserted altogether for the time being. It really helps, it does. Ignorance is really bliss. For life seems to be blissful now.
Tasks. Many tasks. A mountain of tasks. All unnervingly ready to avalanche on me yet I seem to be cool. Cool, just cool the way you like your soft drink on a hot sweltering afternoon. *slurps*
Behind all the scenes though is totally different. I'm perspiring rushing to get tasks completed, for it will only pile up. And with such heavenly light, as if knowing that I could use a helping hand, you popped up online.
I'm glad that you helped me abit. I'm sure it will go a long way.
But in that moment of relief, silent relief, I broke down. I just couldn't help it.
The tyres drifting us too damn far.
The waves splashing up across the beach too hard drifting the sand & the sea.
The hurricane coming across the plains ravishing all within its path, drifting us further.
And the silent bird, oblivion to all just keeps on flying & fighting, drifiting further from the true course.
To sum up violence against women, SPH republished a very good quote from a prominent figure of Singapore,
"How could one savagely strangle
and so unfeelingly mangle
the woman one had just cuddled?"
Justice Tay Yong Kwang
Well this isn't the first time I have been raising this awareness. I had even acted in a play which touches on violence against women. Mantera in Pesta Peti Putih 2002. Those were the wonderful drama days of mine. If I can only remember where I kept that VCD ?? Its at your place, right ? Oh well anyway I feel now that its so wonderful my past. *chuckles*
Speaking of which,
I'm in reflective mood again. Ha! Its a good reflective mood, one that encourages me to advance & move forward. I think. I saw an intresting advert calling for maritime officer cadets which will lead to a Master Mariner career. When I told my mum about it, she reminded me how I should have taken up the Nautical Studies Diploma back when I was offered it then instead of the Electronics Diploma. Amazing wonder how I remembered she asking me to take up the Electronics option instead. Maklum la kita kan anak mak *rolls eyes* I'm forever seeking advise & blessing from the parents, especially mummy =p
- RANDOM, the day of my accident my mum had made noise telling me not to go out. "See what happens when you don't listen to mama," were the simple words when my mum found out that evening. K thats so RANDOM -
Getting back to the topic, so with my rich maritime policing background coupled with the wonderfully richer marine technical experience, I'd be perfect for this role. My mum insists that I apply for it (which made me reflect). The only touchy thing was,
.-:=Mum: Kau kena cari istri yang boleh tahan ko tak tido sebelah.
.-:=Me:*cheekily* Alah cari aje air stewardess (Macam bole dapat aje).
.-:=Mum: Bagus lah biar tak jumpa. Kau melayar dia duduk rumah. Dia melayar kau duduk rumah.
& wit that I kissed her hand as she left for work.
So here I am just finished updating my resume. Its playing around in my mind. Should I or should I not. Its really making me reflect on what I really want & what I should really listen to.
Oh well, just looking forward to meeting Rose no.2 again in an hours time *grins*
Alot of things in life are for free, and not all of them are good. Ha. Its been a while since I've had free time like today. 12hr shift is a pain in the ass, really. It makes me have loads of stupidity time at work, whilst making me very2 tired at home. Thats not great. Ha.
Not counting the little msn appearance of yours the other day, we've really had such the minimal contact with each other. Its made me have so much time to think about things. 1 things for sure, I'm starting to feel really stupid sitting by my bed, staying online all day waiting for you, for it doesn't help. Certainly doesn't as well when the parents complain of the high electric bill. Gosh like the computer in standby mode takes up lots of Watt. They just don't want to believe the electronics diploma graduate.
Maybe what you're doing, intentionally or not, is the correct thing ? I don't know. My guardian angel reminds me to have hope. Heh. She cleverly repeated what i wrote in my blog a while back. No wonder it rang certain bells. Oh well.
Not knowing much about your activites for a month, has made it rather difficult to relay my information to you. I've been trying to write this weeks email(or rather last week). I just can't seem to finish it. Its still half done in my drafts, and yet another week has come. 1 week went by without me emailing you.
Its strange that I'm starting to treat life like normal. I know though that the mind could be playing tricks on me. Well I really hope I get out of this phase. I'm not liking it much compared to the previous weeks. I have started to eat more but on such an irregular basis. It makes my tummy bloat a moment and later all skin & bones. Its also causing disruption to my excercise regime. Sigh. I don't know what really to do if not for the companionship of my guardian angel.
Life is becoming topsy turvy. Heh. (Don't smurk yu.) OK I'll admit I wasn't strong enough to hold on to what I said I could do. Watching MotoGP really helped by the way. Its teaching me how to manouver better with my bike. -RANDOM...I'm taking Rose no.2 out of the workshop later in the day, Yeah- I could certainly use to practise what I learnt today on telly for my pasir gudang session on the 29th. Well watching Melandri win in exciting fashion was great but I couldn't help it that jumping for joy made me drop my pants. Ha. & I'm so not slim nor look like a 16 year old small boy *pouts* Life is just topsy turvy.
Oh I'm begining to find out how evil certain men really are. I was once like those evil men. But that character of mine has long diminished before my proper manhood days. I don't lay a finger on women any more. I don't understand how one can easily hurt a lady that's not under their care. Gosh. And they claim to care for that women who's nowhere near lawfully them. I pity yu. Don't say I didn't offer my shining knight services.
To all guys, please respect certain boudaries. I've learnt where mine are. Cause I have to say it here(due to my large ego). I apologise to my sisters for enduring the pain of my light hand I had when I was a pre-adolescent. I have understood so please make sure no other guys touch you if I don't do it. Tell me & I'll do the necessary if the need arises.
Lady fans & readers *chuckles* Don't tolerate guys' whose touch causes pain. It will only get worst when matrimony sets in. Understand where lies a tap & a slap, for it will go along way.
Life's swirling funnily. Its just when I thought I had gotten up on my 2 feet. Its really strange.
My mum has been rubbing the salt deeper into the wound, as always. As a reminder that I have to move on. Cause even though the salt is just going inflict to further pain, its going to help the wound heal much2 faster. She always does this you know. Its not that I hate it, I just hate the pain it causes. But I know she loves me thats why she wants me to move on. Ha, shes finally stopped with the marriage teasing for a while since she knows I'm single.
Initially, it seemed that I was your rebound & you were mine. It was a blissful & perfect harmony. perfectly no strings. Then funnily the rebound had no more bounce(which isn't actually surprising). It instead became springingly connected. You were there for me & I was there for you. Another perfect harmony. As weird as it got, you professed I wasn't the rebound & that our chemistry could go along way. I knew I would face dissapointment, yet the butterflies came back rushing rather eagerly into the stomach. It was too fast too soon, definietly. Chemisty was there but...
I knew you were not the rebound, cause the rebound already came and bounced off. So what do I do?
It took a wicked turn, all the bouncing and there I was left stranded again, wondering what if
My confidance is at a low. Don't ask me why. Think I'm done with asking people, or rather girls, out for dates no more. Its just going to slump my confidance lower & I don't need that now.
I have said it once. I'm going to say it again. I owe a lot to this blog. This is certainly a blessing in disguise. If I had lost my hp & contacts last time, it would have probably meant total loss. With this blog wow surprise people sms me now asking if I have their contact. Good uh ?
Blog oh Blog,
Di manakah hendak ku carik ganti seperti mu?
Sebagaimana engkau telah menyinari hidup lalu ku yang membenam.
Blog oh Blog,
Kemana la aku hendak menuju jika engkau tiada disisi?
Bagaimana boleh ku tutur jalan yang lurus sedangkan lorong yang membelit.
Blog oh Blog,
Tidak sedunia ku pinta kecuali kefahaman seorang insan
Keinginan hanya pemberian semurah ikhlas dan semahal segenggam hati.
Emotions. Your emotions. They tend to play games with you. When you thought you got control over it, they'd just pop up a surprise. Catching you off guard, your emotions gets the better of you.
Theres a small slump in my 'so called' getting my life back on track. My roller coaster almost derailed on the last 2 mishaps. Its at the very edges of a very fine track. Any minute now, with just a small blow of the wind it can be derailed.
So fragile is my emotions now. I got to remain strong.
I finally saw you online again. A bitter sweet surprise. Funny how you were missing when I was up & you popped up again when the mishaps pile up. I really wasn't expecting to see you online, & there bloodshot fireclouds loomed again.
Its a strange & lonely path I'm taking. The glimmering shine that my guardian angel provides is becoming blurrer by the minute. The light that was once so bright is now getting wierdly inconsistent. Maybe it has to come this way. I don't know.
In times of crisis, my family is always there. I had dinner with my parents yesterday. Gosh I can't remember the last time I gave them the privelage of myself sitting with them by the dinner table. It was just 3. My financial plans were discussed & so were my plans for my future life. The question finally came regarding you, & I held as strong as possible not to brake down in front of food. My parents know everything & its summed up nicely,
InsyaAllah, Kalau Jodoh Tak Ke Mana
So where do I go from here ?
This past week, something has been swirling in my mind. I've told a few people about it. The only one that could relate to it was bro RI. When I met him at Leen BA's wedding, I just casually chatted about whats going on in my brain. Heh he felt the numbers were the same too, just that it wasnt the same case like mine.
I've been having this number, 27, playing in my mind. Something weird tells me that I'll be single till I'm 27. The only blur part is whats the status of singlehood ? Is it;-
1. I will be single + available till I'm 27 ? meaning 3 more lonely years...
2. I will be ending by bachelorhood & I'll be married by 27.
Thats the only thing I am unsure but 27 is definietly swirling in my mind. 27 it shall be then but is it thought no.1 or no.2 ? It was reaffirmed further after my discussion with the parents. My mum told me my 25K had grown into 30K. She told me not to worry about that sum & zakat. She will safekeep it & ensure all dues are paid forward when the time comes. All I needed to concentrate on was my career & to whose house the trays of gifts will be sent to. Great right ?
It still made me unsure. Why 27 ??
Option 2 seems much better. 1 big reason is when I look at my parents & this house thats constantly empty during the weekend. My dad is already 60, retired with depleting funds and yet his oldest child, me, just started his career & the youngest is taking her A's. He should be happily having grandchildren by now like all his other friends yet...
*Looks at 23 yr old sister's room. Nak aje pekik suruh dia berumahtangga cepat2*
So as strange as it sounds, If I were to follow in his footsteps & start a family at 35, I'd be exactly in his situation now. I don't think I want that.
So dear emotions, please hold on for another...urm say 3 years ? can ?
Then I promise, by then, at least some things would have been resolved.
Another mishap has happened and my what a mishap. Cant really say I didnt see all this coming but I never really expect it to be like this. Late in the wee hours of 17 May, I already had to pick up my spoilt Nokia 3230 from the TPE. Now this.
These few mishaps, siGh, I'm looking at it as a test. You know, the storm before the calm. Already had decided to slowly get back up so these are the things to pull me back down again. Can easily just wallow in self pity but I would have of course failed. These mishaps are just a test to my mettle to make me stronger, I believe, insyaAllah.
So this morning had woken up early, met my guardian angel & sent her to work. Let her have some eye candy since I'm in executive wear. Hah! What's with women & their thing for guys in executive wear haha *grins* We arrived early so just relax with a morning cuppa. Miss hourglass then sms-ed me. She was late, haha, padahal padahal, I had given her morning call. tsk3.
She candidly proposed & I quote, "Hey, if I ask you to gime a lift, wud u kill me?" unquote...Of course how could I turn her down. Hah! So after seeing guardian angel to her work made my way to her estate. We were already late for our morning session. 15mins to 11am & I had just arrived to pick her up. Ghosted through the roads & expressway and reached shenton way just 1 min past 11. I thought to myself WOW. I'm good haha. If only I knew.
Earlier I mentioned that I saw it coming. This is upon reflection of course. The day before, my bike, Rose no.2, was all clean, polished & waxed to a wonderful showroom shine when out of my stupidity I lost control of my bike in the CARPARK, and dropped it. Damn!
So today as I approached where I usually parked, I thought with the dark clouds in mind, why not park at the multi story carpark. All safe indoors. Would protect my showroom shine. I wished I'd stick to routine sometimes. Stupidly as I made my way up the steep wounding slope, I went...ah ah ah...
It was less then 20kmh, how did I lose control of the bike ?? I slammed sideways into the wall as the bike was falling like timber to the ground. =( *ke-che-piang* All the glass shattered. Miss hourglass was quick to pick herself up. Me ? I was stuck in an awkward position. Maintaining control of the situation, picked up the bike & parked it first before doing damage assesment. =(
For Rose no2., I'll just let the photos do the talking -(
I was lucky she was ok. I wouldn't know how'd to explain if she was hurt badly. Just some burnt skin & a traumatised brain. Heh. My left knee though felt like popping out. I just brushed the pain aside thinking it was nothing.
After morning activites were done, I excused myself to repair my bike. Only at the workshop did I realise the full extent of a 20km/h damage. My cowling bracket had broken into 2. It was metal btw!! The left portion of the cowling had chipped off so that need to be re-fibred. Part of the left joint had come off, that needs to be changed. Oh the thing I'm holding in my hand is my digital meter btw, It had broken off from the bracket =( Luckily not damaged bad, still usable so just changed the back casing. The front brake fluid holder had burst & of course I need to change the smoke screen. Wahhhhhh 500+ I was quoted. Shit all for 20kmh. Sigh.
So now I'm without a bike until min sat, latest monday. Oh well back to public transport. As I walked back home from the workshop (it was in kaki bukit, so less then 1 km) I felt guilty for traumatising miss hourglass with this incident, so I gave her a call to apologise. Cant remember if I did already but just did again anyway. Luckily shes okay, & shes speechless about the incident btw. Oh the walking back home hurt alot! My hips started to sore. Felt like they were going to dislocate, again. & this time the left side as well. My left knee still feels like popping out, though the right knee is the one with the ligament tear. Not sure if I should visit a doctor. The left knee is all swollen & red now. sigh =(
This had made me thinking. Why do all my road accidents happen when I'm riding slowly!!! But Alhamdulillah. If 20kmh did that damage wonder what higher speeds that I reached during the journey to shenton way would have incurred. Btw, feeling optimistic, I thought better accident today when I'm slow rather then when Im in Pasir Gudang track on the 29th.
Blessings in Disguise. Things happen for a reason. Oh miss hourglass, If you do read this, I apologise once again. Make sure still go riding with me when my bikes out yar *grins*
Oh guardian angel, see you got what you asked for. I'm not with my R1 kan. Be careful what you wish for...or maybe its a sign to ask your dad to allow me to ride his brand new R1 06 *grins*
Blessings in Disguise. Things happen for a reason.
I noticed...that this is my 50th blog entry *sprays confetti*
But its not all wonderful...so much for the ball rolling. Ha! For starters let me re-assure you all I'm not in a sudden low again. Ha! they say a picture speaks a thousand words. Let me show you 3, then maybe you'll understand my pain.
See how damaged my Nokia3230 is. Damn! Ahhh now maybe some of can understand. So much for rolling ball. Ha!
To summarize, I didn't get much eating today. 5pm was postponed to 6 and then cancelled. 9pm + was ermm lets just say other priorites popped up for that particular person. So there I was already outside with no one beside me. I could have easily chose to wallow in self pity. I did, abit but abit is good. Haha then I made my way to various places just to take scenic shot with my Nokia hp =(
I finally managed to get someone to meet me nearly midnight & I ate. Thanx dear miss hourglass. She told me she didn't like to read my blog cause it was too depressing, so she won't know that I call her miss hourglass *chuckles* So we ate McDonalds at Boat Quay and caught up & discussed about ol times. Always great & a pleasure to be with her. Gave me back some inspiration. She just pointed 1 main thing through out the whole meal, for me to move forward.
So I sent her back home after the meal, & made my way back. Disaster struck when I was cruising on the TPE. I was wearing my waist pouch today and had put the hp in the side pocket. At 120km/h and around woodlands, I felt a strange & weird feeling. I glanced my side mirror & saw my helmet bag string dangling. Then suddenly something dropped from the pouch onto my lap & *dissapeared* into the night road.
Only after a few seconds did I realised IT WAS MY HP!!! By the time I stopped I was at least 200m away from the place I dropped it. I tried to search it but it was dark at 2am. I only managed to find my main hp body. Well whats left of it anyway. You can see the pics above =( I lost the back casing, the battery & most importantly my 512Mb memory card. Theres 300MB worth of info in there. All the pics, vids and songs inside =( All the memory lost like that. The greatest part, is when I'm home, trying to restart the Nokia3230 with my sis' batt. It couldnt be started. So all the contacts are also gone :( Gotta go to Nokia service centre, I know they have a way to retrieve the data from the phone internal memory. All my contacts.
Sigh* miss hourglass told me online just now. Isn't that what you wanted. (rather you wanted ha!) to move forward. So now since all the memories have been "erased" I can only move forward. Blessings in Disguise she said. Things happen for a reason she said. Oh well. I'm definietly going to buy a new hp. Now have to ponder what model to get. Any ideas ??
I feel its a lil wasted the money for the hp. Luckily its not my brand new Motorola L7. If not I'll be even more sad. But I'll make sure I earn back that money!! You'll see. For tomorrow I will embark on continuing my lost journey. I will return, slowly but surely to sail to my dream.
Anyway this returned & rejuvenated me thinks all is not lost. Hey I'm optimistic again *smurks* At least of all the scenic shots that were lost at my Nokia, I did take some on my L7 just now. Enjoy my optimistic loneliness...haha
I've finally come to a point where I think enough is enough! I've just about had it up to here *hands swinging wildly in front of forehead* I've had it with the countless number of people telling me I am THIN!!! THIN they say...can't they see I'm developing my 'muscles' hwahwahwa.
I'd be the first to admit honestly, yesh I have lost weight. I do not think though that I am thin. I really do like the way that I'm shaping up right now. I could do with a lil meat here & there, lose a few more inches from the things & butt. Other than that, I'm content. Haha. Maybe its just down to my excercise regime.
Its amazing that when you finally set out to get something done, & I really mean setting out...the results really show. Okay, the lost of appetite I didnt want of course, I couldn't help it but hey Ive been stalling on excercising & getting my body back to shape. The loss of apetite was just the initial catalyst. Now that I've lost a lil weight & started to tone my body again, I can start to eat properly again. That & of course because I'm sick of people telling me I'm thin. I'll get those muscles you'll see. Heh.
...Once the ball starts rolling...
I'm feeling better, thank you. With the maturing of my blog, I have alot to be grateful to.
I used to be this boiling, overflowing kettle that just lets out lots & lots of steam & water. Now, I'm more reserved. The blog has helped me alot. For 1, I think it has accelerated my emotional healing. Letting it all out really does help. Gosh why didn't I understand this earlier in my life. Of course, the blog alone was not enough. Its a major factor though. It really has helped shaped my thinking this past few weeks.
Thank you blog.
I am going to TRY to eat normally again. Today was good. Dinner yesterday, breakfast this morning. Makan appointment later at 5 followed by supper surely ard 9+ , I think. Heh well we will see how my life goes along. You wish me luck k.
This is a small, yet HUGE step that I'm taking. Now everyone hold on to your breath...
My mind is finally settling abit. Yah, theres still much to be done. In fact alot more to be done. I think I'll just go along with the flow. Be who I am, I think. Happy go lucky & no worries. Thats what I've been all along, why should I change it right ?
All the problems, I'll just cast aside temporarily. Let it be, let it all haunt me later in my life. For now I want to TRY to live life to the fullest. Theres just to much, or rather to to little to sacrifice for especially when it doesn't matter to the people whom you care about.
I am definietly getting clearer & brighter signs. I have to move on. Let it all be left behind. Its okay...I think. For now, its just not worth it. Maybe the coming age of this blog has made me think. I have re-read most of my entries countless times and when it hit me that its been a month already, GOSH! Almost all the entries are sad. =(
So thats it, I definietly am going to move on in my life. I'll still complain. I'll still be sad, no doubt. What I'll try is to be stronger for the people around me. Most importantly for myself. I have to be stronger. I will still keep you updated, I still want you to know whats happening in my life. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still want you. I really do hope you still stay in contact.
Its been 1 month since I started this blog. I can't believe I managed to go on this long. It has come as a sweet surprise that I have managed to sustain this blog. The entries that I have put in seems to be my little efforts. I will never know at this moment if the efforts will count, but these are my small little efforts.
As a rememberance...
Its been a month since I heard from you. Good luck for your exams & your assignments.
My thoughts on blogging now has almost come to a cease, a form of stand still you might say. I really think that my desired has really died. It died when this blog was set-up.
I'm having emotional rides now. None more painful than the thoughts of what if's. Me continuosly living in the depths of the past & yesteryear.
I've been trying to do something which has been so damn difficult. The more I try to do it, the harder it gets & the further I sidetrack from it. I know that the more I delay, the more trouble I'll get in when the day finally comes.
I've been trying to gather all her stuff, thats lying all over my room, to pack neatly somewhere so I can TRY to make it all into a memory. Alas its always, & I mean always easier said then done.
In trying to do so, I have unearthed small surprises here & there, as well as sad stories too. One of the worst emotional brakedown was today. I found a box, long hidden from me.
You see, I was going through this same thing more then 3 years ago in 2002. Everything though was accelerated simply because I was served up with enlistment & I had only 2 weeks notice. Everything was all over the place. My mum had told me to pack everything 'precious'of mine neatly as she had planned to renovate my room during my absence. In the short 2 weeks, which was also during the Hari Raya period, alot was done. Part of it was clearing up my 'excess' baggage. So there I placed them all neatly in a box until...
When I first booked out, my room had been completely overhauled. I use overhaul cause its a total revamp. Most of my stuff I didn't know where it was placed. I was an alien in my own room. Many things remain missing and a mystery. Many other things pop up slowly till today...
So today a box appeared & the sense of familiarity was all to painful. This box now laid the remains of what was. It cannot be undone for she is now happily married. I am happy for her. The only sad things were when I re-read all that was available & I started to reminiscent together with the images. Such a sad end to what was...
So now today in 2006, I'm facing a very similar situation. I am forced to pack everything. I know if I dont do it now, later will be worst. I'll be moving house by latest mid June. Everything seems deja-vu. Everything is in replay mode. Now I really don't know what will happen. I am breaking down again, again & again.
"...I am falling faster & deeper..."
My guardian angel told me to start a new chapter in my book of life. The easy part was to start a new chapter. The hard part, to throw away everything thats a memory. Can I...? I am questioning myself on this. I really do not know if I can.
Oh please show me a sign... Even a lil sign will do...just show me a sign.
It takes time. Time heals everything. But do I have all the time in the world ?
Ever wondered about that ? How people keep telling me not to worry that time will heal everything. They just say it takes time, no matter how long. I don't know if I have all the time in the world. I don't know. I cant be sure of that.
Time is a crucial factor that decides a lot of things in our life. A mis-step, miscalculation or overlooking something with regards to time will always have drastic effects on our desired outcomes.
Timing. Its all about timing.
Today is a special yet sad day. Cause its a would have been day. I have a paragraph from a good friend, greenfreak21, who shared it with me 4 years ago. & i'd like to share it with you today.
Oh man, I'm all blurry eyed and all now. The morning incident is still fresh in my head. Still makes my hair stand when I think of that guy. Brother, hope you're ok man!
What I'm about to blog has been playing & swirling in my mind for a few days. Luckily I've jotted them them in bits & pieces. All jumbled up & it has been sorted nicely. Now I feel is the correct time to unleash it.
Whats the difference between a BMW and a Yamaha ? ...Ones a luxury vehicle.the other not. Meaning ones's richer...the others not.
Whats the difference between someone who reads law and someone who struggled 3 n 1/2yrs to get a diploma ? ...Ones a damn smart genius who's going to make it big...the other just some statiscal loser in the world.
Whats the difference between a guy in a relationship, a guy thats fighting for his love one that he let go...and a guy that could be destroying another's relationship ? ...Ones got a gerl loving him, the other got a girl thats denying loving him...and the last is what i call a bastard.
Whats the difference between a rich family that showers the son...and a 'keep it quiet that we're rich' family - that doesnt want the son to be pampered? ...Ones got it all lucky, the other got ta struggle and slug it out in life.
Whats the difference between being religous & knowing religion but not prcatising it ? ...Ones going to heaven, the other to hell
These are the jumbled up thoughts of a depressed, confused & trying to get up guy. Such strange situations happening all around me. By the way, to those of you who still remember your sec3 statistical maths, Im just a union of all the lousy what ifs above :(
(PS. I learnt statistical maths in sec3. Not sure about u people now. maybe all you geniuses learnt it in pri3 ? hah)
God always gives us reminders, its just that we are ignorant to spot it.
I had the most flashing recall on my way home just now. I was ghosting through the empty streets on this public holiday. As I past defu lane, about to enter hougang ave3's chicanes, A ghastly sight behold me. A car had just stopped & i noticed a lady in a dazed manner trying to seat at the roadside. God! There had been an accident.
I definietly had to stop since it seemed like it just happened. No other car had stopped except for the 1st one. Immediately i dismounted off my bike n rushed to the nearest injured person. She was able to speak as I asked the usual "ARE YOU OK??" but she quickly diverted my attention to the rider.
MasyaAllah! There was a pool of blood on the road. The rider was face flat on the ground, body in a very awkward position. My senses quickly heightened!! Peculiar how it made me recall my own accidents at that very moment. But this guy was bad. He was not moving, not responding. Luckily my first aid training kicked in again. I searched for his pulse. Alhamdulillah. His body though was very hot. From the face I could see the blood still oozing out the nose, continously trickling & covering the road. He was still not responding. Tried to move his body but the awkward position prevented me from doing much. Shouted to the pakcik.."DA CALL AMBULANCE?" he was still fiddling with his phone though.
At this instance, I just rummaged through his body trying to find signs of dislocation or fractures. From personal bodily experience la katakan. Ha! Could not see any fracture sign, only a fear his left hand could be dislocted. Then...he moved!!
He just like motionlessly turned to his side, releasing his arm from the awkward position. His eyes were blurry from the sand, nose still in disarray from the blood & mouthwide open. Think the only things he must have seen were just shadowy images as the sun started to shine the area. & damn it cars were driving past so fast & so near to his body and mine!!
When he moved, I was able to confirmed that definietly no sign of dislocation or fractures. All the limbs slowlly started to move. He tried feverishly to get up but think he was too weak from losing so much blood.When I did try to help him, he seemed to have given up, still very quiet non responding to my shouts of help. I then saw that I could not help much anymore but God helped him definietly. I said a silent prayer that I knew of healing while touching his warm leg dan 'saratkan.' When there seem no response again I said it, & there God was there, indefinietly! He rolled over withh his eyes half open. They were close most of the time. Alhamdulillah.
Then I remembered my bike, ha! quickly move it properly to the side of the road. Oh yah, I took back my hp from the pillion. She had made a few calls with it. Asked her honestly, skided ? she nod. Laju ? she nod. Just a heavy sigh in my heart. By the way its a 2b bike. Repsol 150. All smashed on 1 side with the rear seat all flipped open.
Guess that must have been the way my own accident area must have been. Cause I had always tried to imagine what my scene was like. My dad kept saying my bike had broke into 2, all the contents had flown all over the area. I have no recollection of my bike. Maybe the pain was too unbearable that time, or maybe because I had been flung a good 5-6m away from my bike & could only see the smashed taxi (DAMN SHA531G).
After what must have been a gd 10mins, an ambulance came. Oh all along when I was attending to a the guy, another kind soul with a first aid kit had tended to the girl bandaging her head. Think that Abang was a CD personnel. When the paramedics was attending to the guy, I gave necessary info to the w/SGT. How he was conscious but motionless. still breathing, pulse, shows no sign of fracture or dislocation. Heh quite good eiy ? till she asked if I was a paramedic. Simply replied was a Police NSmen with first aid training. Then I just wanted to bang my head on the road!!
The 2 NSmen seemed new. Didnt know what they were doing or what to do, correctly. Maybe it was the chaotic & grusome scene. I glanced, no rank! no wonder! They even put the neck brace wrongly at first as the SGT was holding the head properly. Of course I had backed out by now as the Abang already came into the picture, supporting with the strecher & all. Then finally the TP came. Think didnt have enough time to access the situation properly as they had to take the particulars first( experience katakan). Heh then the girl was also escorted to the ambulance & they zoomed off most probably to CGH.
Talked to the first pakcik, & I got starking news. The bike was from the opposite direction of the road, lost control after the 'chicane' & went over the divider to opposite lane. Of course I'm ommitting the wham! bang! screech! argh! & what not...but the aftermath was the bike had spun facing the opposite direction of the road leaving the rider, lying dead centre in the middle lane. Ahh ...I went as some questions were answered. At this point 1 of the SGT from the 2nd ambulance, which was late btw, came over to us appreciating the kind gesture we had provided with a simple thanks.
For me, he didnt have to say that, as I have never had the chance to thank all those passer bys that had helped me on 4th july 2005. I sincerely gave all my help as how to I was helped. I'd like to take this oppurtunity to thank the surgeon who helped position me correctly that night (imagine I had a surgeon at the accident scene) the 3 SAF personnel who did crowd control, the off duty police officer who did the necessary calls. Wow! This are all the help & remider that I recieved showing that I'm still loved by God. The accident was just a reminder, no less.
A gentle reminder to all riders, myself included. Know the roads before trying any motoGP manouvers. Really want to speed & take corner 10c, to to Pasir Gudang. Ha. Anyway, especially to 2b bike riders, please be careful. I totally understand how you guys/girls feel about having a bike. I was there once. Heck my first real accident was similar to this accident.
Then back in 2001 I had take a roundhouse corner exiting from TPE to elias road. To much of indulging in the bike & the corner. I forgot I had a pillion, so as I exited the corner I ram straight into the divider. Luckily I had manged to slow down & not fly off the divider to the other side. My pillion though did. Luckily there was not much traffic at 4am. Zul Giler...Zul Giler. Now hes a rider himself. Ha. Never will I forget my accidents as I realize now they are there to serve as gentle reminders.
God always gives us reminders, its just that we are ignorant to spot it.
I was looking through my friend's list at friendster when I chanced upon a few great lines from 1 of the most unexpected people i know. Heh maybe I don't know him that well but he was a heck of a buddy in my glorious Alpha days *smurks*
The few lines that I'd like to share seems very light hearted at first but as you go on, most I believe would reminiscent abit form the beautiful lines. Most people I believe. Why most...go figure yah.
"The person you love comes into your mind every minute. You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you love but you can always smile into the eyes of the one you like."
"The feeling of love starts from the eye and the feeling of like starts from the ear." "So if you stop liking a person you used to like all you need to do is cover your ears, but if you try to close your eyes love turns into a drop of tear and remains in your heart forever after." I'm sure after reading most people would agree.
It really made me close my eyes these lines, and of course it meant alot. For when 1 has felt truely what sincere humanly love is then the heart would have skipped a beat. The eyes would have slightly become watery, especially if it was a recent loss.
I can sincerely say from the bottom of my heart who appeared when my eyes closed to the lines.
Read it again. Close your small & sexy eyes. Those cute cheena eyes. Let yoru mind wander as the lines dance in your wonderful mind. With the smallest hope, somewhere there...be it even at the furthest end of your mind, if I were to appear as just a thumbnail of a display, I can smile. Then at least I can smile with a distant thought that you were me & I was you. Period.
If you can sincerely say that I did not even flash by during that split second, then my heart has really shattered beyond a 1001 pieces. I'll just have to slowly pick it up...all 1001 of it & start fixing it slowly.
A slow, painful yet necessary process. Life still has to go on but it truly saddens me that its like this.
Life is definietly not what it seems to be. Its not that difficult but it ain't easy either. This has made me have numerous debates & arguements in my small little space called the brain.
I have been 2 extremes lately. Someone pointed out why bother. Don't go trying to please everyone and act as if you're damn happy, all hyper & stuff;- it also leads to excessive spending btw. Don't go being ever sulky either, it brings darkness around you.
"...just be nuetral..."
I ve been trying all my life, to understand myself & this thing called life. Recently I found out. 1 can never find out what life is all about. 1 can only live what life is all about. Intresting thought eiy. I had been leading my life trying to please many many people. In doing so, I have misinterpreted, misunderstood, miscommunicated & all the other mis-matches because plain simply I have not been doing what I want. I think, period.
And so I felt so tired, and yet again felt so dissapointment by this recent episode of my life. That suddenly changed me, turned me around rather abruptly & just like that I dropped everything & was the exact opposite.
I was another extreme, being pitiful for myself, feeling sad & all yg sewaktu dengan nya. K that sounds wrong. Ha! i thought I had found the new me only for me to feel more tired then before. And so I almost gave up...many times in fact.
"...just be nuetral..."
So Neutral me it shall be. Nuetral RIDAK. heh.
"...just be nuetral..."
Theres 1 thing I'd like to share to someone. Don't go looking for the person that completes you. For the person that completes you does not exist. Only you complete you. Find the one that complements you.
Yesh, it always does especially when you always try to give the truth. So the brutal honesty is sometimes well brutal. But what hurts the most is when you find out something the other party has yet to tell you & they continue not telling.
So you ponder & ponder always trying to be optimistc. You just cant push away that feeling what if its true. Always giving the benefit of doubt. But what if...
The truth always hurts ...especially when its unsaid. *Ouch*
Oh I just couldn't help it thinking of the word crossroad. 1 of my all time personal favourite, from his Crossroad album of 94;-
This romeo is bleeding But you can't see his blood It's nothing but some feelings That this old dog kicked up It's been raining since you left me Now I'm drowning in the flood You see I've always been a fighter But without you I give up Now I can't sing a love song Like the way it's meant to be Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore But baby, that's just me And I will love you, baby - Always And I'll be there forever and a day - Always I'll be there till the stars don't shine Till the heavens burst and The words don't rhyme And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind And I'll love you - Always Now your pictures that you left behind Are just memories of a different life Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry One that made you have to say goodbye What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair To touch your lips, to hold you near When you say your prayers try to understand I've made mistakes, I'm just a man When he holds you close, when he pulls you near When he says the words you've been needing to hear I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine To say to you till the end of time Yeah, I will love you baby - Always And I'll be there forever and a day - Always If you told me to cry for you I could If you told me to die for you I would Take a look at my face There's no price I won't pay To say these words to you Well, there ain't no luck In these loaded dice But baby if you give me just one more try We can pack up our old dreams And our old lives We'll find a place where the sun still shines And I will love you, baby - Always And I'll be there forever and a day - Always I'll be there till the stars don't shine Till the heavens burst and The words don't rhyme And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind And I'll love you - Always Always - Bon Jovi
Crossroads. We all have had crossroads. All would have appeared before them & crossed the junction making the inevitable decisions that cannot be undone.
For many crossroads are a rather troublesome dilemma. A choice of wanting rather then needs. Classic example come forth in the display of the country's recent polls. It was a known fact that we citizens wanted an opposition more then a need to. Of course, to a certain extent we do need opposition. But the wants were bigger. You could here it almost everywhere, "...I dont mind an opposition...a GRC even but let it not be my GRC..." Now how many of us has had that thought or heard it from someone elses mouth. Point in case.
Ta-Dah!!
Crossroads to the broken heart are the most classics of renditions. You can take it out, batter them, mix it with flour, add the correct amount of eggs, sugar, icing & bake it nicely according to the chef's instruction. Somehow or rather its just no surprise that the cake wont turn up nicely in a classic brokenheart crossroad.
Lets take a scenario that everyone can relate to. Boy meets Girl. Boy Loves Girl. Girl also loves Boy. Boy's parents dont like Girl's parents. Girl's parents dont like Boy's parents. U get the idea uh ? When the ultimate choice is to be made, more than 90% of chance, both will be heartbroken and going along the classic tale of romeo & juliet, the crossroads encounters a dead end - literally.
Screenshot back to present, to me more specifically. My crossroads is slowly starting to unravel becoming clearer & clearer. Brighter even, if I do say so myself. There are choices now on display, definietly. Its still a blur, but the fog & mist is clearing up revealing the well beaten tracks as well as the untested paths. Its a different view from that of early April. Still very blur though. Too early to tell if this is false dawn.
So where do I go from here. I feel I'm playing a very dangerous game. A game which yet again I would be at the shorter end of the stick. Yet i still roll the dice & try my luck. Passing the time some say but is it really. I could get burnt & be hurt in many ways worst then I am now. Not forgetting tis already a very bad situation.
Again point to note, which road do I take. Do I rev up my accelerator now & go straight with this racer instinct ? If so...do I become a track racer or dirt bike racer ? 1 is a proven & well beaten path. You can even see the race lines if you've been in this situation a few times, like me. Or I could try off road biking. Taking the unproven & muddy track. Falling occasionally, stalling too...may even need a mechanic here & there but will gain from the experience as its going somewhere I've never been & I've never really thought of going.
Theres still option C. Wait it out more. Let the dust settle properly. Let it really really settle. Wait...wait now the TP says. Wait...till you're absolutely sure that the light is green to go & make a choice. Damn it theres even people horning behind you for you to make your move. Taking up to much space in this world they say.
I cant possibly forget my first touchy part about today. Wants VS Needs. Retrospect of a crossroad. Do I need to move on, or plain simply I just want to move on. The feeling of loneliness has crept in. It doesnt help with all the screenshots of down-under :( So is it a need ? Really really doubt it, cause theres still a promise to be fulfilled. Its certainly more of a want now, especially with the choices that is on a platter...I think! Skali the plate was not meant to be mine.
*BLUEAGH*
After going in circles, it still is about the same thing. Crossroad...be daring to make a choice now ? or...be a chicken thats surely safe and wait. Whats all your take. The scenario being like mine....Whats say you?
" Your future wife is gonna be the most beautiful woman you'll ever meet" At the back of my mind, I know that this is so true. Currentlynow everything is such a fine line of blurred-ness. Theres a lot of things which I don't see clearly or comprehend fully. Many a thing or two unnoticingly past by me these days. Many more I put too much empahasis or stress more burden on topics I shouldn't. Strangest thing is I know that this is happening some how. Its like at times my soul can just leave my body & take a step back to view everything in full circle. I am seeing my life past me by. Bila diri tgk diri.
Gosh! I wish I could have used that line in a better light. On a more religious note perhaps, InsyaAllah.
Now though I am viewing my life, just with an absence of ...?? I can't seem to find the correct words. siGh* Anyway did u know that too much of sigh-ing is not good ? even in a religous context, cause sigh-ing doesn't make u think about God. It makes u indulge in problems.
I'm feeling abit thankful these days. Much more then in my earlier days. Ha, somehow actions always speak louder then words. I wish my mind can compute that previous sentence better & translate it to actions. K...K...What a load of bull!
The other day, I saw a certain form of sunshine when I saw my guardian angel pop online. Its now going to stay on my msn for a while. RIDAK & his Rollercoaster. Come take the emotional tour @ http://www.death-of-a-desire.blogspot.com Reliving Intresting Denials About K, the guy whos heart doesnt smile no more.
Today I added an extra line, just a few minutes ago... RIDAK crazily spent 1.2K in 1 day!!!
OMG! Hah but theres no regret just a small tinge of satisfaction.
Oh my mum has started to finally notice ?? that I'm not eating much. Making noise in a concerned kinda way that I'm always not eating at home. She says I'm so thin!! & it was fully seconded when I met a close member. A blood. Sgt hotstuff commented something like, "Apa da jadi ngan ko? ...da kurus sak...Cengkung..." Am I that thin ? Really meh ? Arh...I shall not think about it too much. Im loving my new look abit. Ha, theres more 'muscle' hahaha.
I sent my sister to school today. Made me kinda miss school atmosphere, not. Heh..well I saw a lo tof things that made me reminiscent again. Mainly all the young couples going to school together. aww so sweet. Made me remember my JC sweetheart.
Wait a minute! I didnt have a JC sweetheart. Didn't even to to JC. Haha well you get the idea.
Something different was in my mind today when my brain was in flashback mode. I started to think about this blog. The name more specifically. What if...I really do move on. Haha thats a joke :P What would happen to the name of this blog. Death-of-a-desire.
The name spells out clearly what this space online is all about. I'm pretty sure though that my lovely thing call 'desire' wont lie on a deathbed when I move on. Cause when I move on, eventually, ermmm...wait. Let me rephrase.
For me to move on, theres certainly a need to have desire. Desiring for partnership, for companionship, someone to share things with, someone to pamper, somone to spend free time with, not to mention the one whos going to be the light in lonely times & of course someone to understand my inner self that FYI I'm still tryin to understand.
Now when all these desires grow & build up, what will I to do. I will have no more things to write in here & all you fans will be dissapointed that the soap opera has ended.
I can ...start a new blog cause I'll be so called starting a new life. Then I have to think of a new name. Link it up to my life & start everything from scratch. Then all the itsy bitsy mushy stuffy stuff will be all over the place. Eugh* don't think you peeps, nor I want that. Cause think I'll be getting a lot of hate mail & i'll lose my ever growing horde of female fanatics.
I can ...think of closing down the blog. Yah close down the blog. Good idea uh. Thats why the blog was started in the first place, cause my desire died. But must I let my great & wonderful 'thing' thats slowly improving die as well. Must I let my writing skills go down the drain ;P Why cant I continue to write and let the Cambridge lecturers read this & finally change my C5 grade. Neh, thats not the whole point. I should close down the blog if my desire were to be ressurected. right ?
I can ...ah heck, why go through to much trouble...Just bury the damn desire. So I dont have to move on or change things :(
Guess thats me now. All my desires are buried 6 feet down under. So I'm really wondering as I drove back home. Do I really want to move on. Is it really that easy for me to start anew ? Is it really that easy to forget a lost love. The last time round, it took me several rebound dates...hours & hours of chatting. Working like a mad horse delivering Pizza then splurging away on games & lepak. I even got enlisted through out that time. Used my energy to the max in my prep course days. That was of course, until...
Such calamity, such trouble, such situations, such similarites & woah such a coincidence. It really feels like deja-vu. Everything I know is seemingly being replayed 2 or 3 steps behind what I had taken. Its going exactly the same same path. Weird. Too much of a coincidence I think, well the world works in a funny, funny way.
Such prepositions had made me think. Think to what my actions could lead to. I very well know what hurt it could do to that guy. Oh my... This is so bizarre.
Yesterday was a day full of learning experiences. So many2 things that I learnt. Gained insights to many a thing I have not thought of much, not yet at least. Like wow! It really made me sit up & listen. I thought I had everything planned out. From what I was listening, my journey was so so in the begining. Not anywhere near the end. Anyway the end only comes with death.
Insights like yesterdays come rarely now. Its like I was able to look into a full sized mirror with someone pointing out all my major flaws. Havent had that type of truthness for quite some time. No doubt, the friendliness of people around me helped but woah yesterday was an eye opener. Straight in your face wake up call.
I bemoaned & sighed alot yesterday. It made me a little stronger though this time. Maybe thats all that I needed. A few harsh words, a wake up call & a reality check. Keeping reality in check still saddened me abit when I think of the lady & the gentleman.
I prised open the tin can, emptied its contents & only 1 thing popped out today...
I'd rather be a waiting & hopeful fool, then be a stupid fool. Don't think it makes sense. Well nothing has anyway. We'll just pass the day away as per norm. The wind in my face, the dust across my skin & the dirt over my eyes. For I am constantly blinded by this thing they call love.
My brain waves have sped off. I seem to be having a hard time putting pen to paper, or rather my thoughts on the net. I always speak to myself now at all the wrong timings. Something is definietly very, very wrong.
My brain now is in a blurry cloud of grey. Nothings seems to stay in it for long. 1 thing that I remember though was taking a surreal ride along the paths that was very familiar. It was strange fending off the urges to just past by & take a peek. A peek onto the place that I knew so so well the past 3 years. I knew though that I would be hurting more if I had done it.
Spent saturday night rotting at home. Stayed awaked long enought to watch the 'once in 5years political scene' in singapore. No real surprises there, maybe just some percentage problems for the government here & there. No other problems elsewhere. While watching the only thing on telly yest, I was wondering what I was doing at home. By some strange forces of nature, all that I had contacted were either busy, busy or busy. Dang! Timing, its all about timing. Something which I have yet to master;- or even comprehend at the moment.
This big question mark is lurking & ever growing at the back of my mind. Is it just me...?
Its always very easy to pinpoint others, push the blame to others & or simply put never burden the faults ourselves. So that makes the question ever so HUGE for me. I can easily try to say that others are not co-operative, not wanting to help me...this & that. I am past that immature age, I think. I have slowly look back & reflected upon all the consequences where I had been immature. Thinking what if.
I know for a fact that too many of these ifs is really unhealthy but its such a ninggling thing in my head. You know like 1 of those things that you would shake & shake inside a tin can but it never want to pop out. Arh...that type of feeling!
Now excuse me while I cut this tin can head of mine.
I had lunch in Gelang Patah today. Just off Tanjung pelepas. The type of restaurant above the sea. Cool view uh.
The people I went today made me go into deep deep thoughts again. Sigh. Wonder when or if it will ever stop.
I went with kura-kura, his parents and his dad's bunch of old people ;P haha. I was the youngest. Walauwe. All the old couples still look jovial & lovable after so many years. Just made me wonder...if I would have a life like that. If she would be beside me in the years to come. I dont understand why my brain cant just switch off & move on.
Going back home, gave the reason of helping kura-kura 'remove his carbon' from his bike. Padahal padahal. I sped. Though not as fast as previously, but it was a shorter straight. I still hit 230kmh & i was reeling in the pain. Speed is really an easy way to try to lose everything. The fear, the feelings of the balls at the throat, the psychological barriers that go with speeding all helped me lose my sadness, for a while. Just briefly enough for me to concentrate on the road thats whizzing past at 200kmh.
Damn it la. Why is it really so hard letting go. I want peace. I want peace with her ;( Guess thats not going to happen, anytime soon. I think. I really still am just holding on to a promise, and a big big HOPE.
Carry me away guardian angel. Don't let the storm clouds reside longer. Those storm clouds...ARGH!!
Excuse me while my heart screams out loud. Period.
A surge of emotions will normally cause a ripple effect that will hit back when 1 is much, much calmer.
Bleargh. Why has my appetite suddenly want to grow again when I'm depeleted of funds. Bleargh.
Got in contact again with an old secondary school friend. Think we were classmates once, even. 2F ?? Well she's in the same boat as me. Injuries to the body, plagued by love & starting again to achieve a career. Could easily relate to her. And suddenly I found myself feeling very, very lucky. I may have had death across my face but I thank god that I'm up on my feet faster than alot of people predicted. Physically & (at 1 point of time) emotionally up as well. I was up, compared to her. Thanks for the kind words esprit exotic.
After something she said, I think I was pushing myself to much. Today I just couldn't complete my first set of excercise. Strange. Thats when my stomach grumbled. Maybe ouputting energy without proper input puts a toll on the body. Today was it. I just had to eat. Returning from the mosque, I detoured to Mc and got a double fillet 'O' fish as well as a 6pc nugget, that I finished in a matter of minutes. My brain is just a mix up now. I can't distinguish properly what I need & what I want :( I only know for sure I still want her.
soB*
I need you right now my guardian angel... Tomorrow I'm off ..and Sunday. Ha! Long weekend again. I need you guardian angel.
Bah...I'll just fly down to Aust this weekend. In my dreams...
I came home this morning to be greeted by stacks of folded cardboard boxes, all neat & ready. It was a sign that moving house is near.
Its funny how everythings is very much interlinked constantly. Just very very recently, I had opened up a a new OUB account. With it came a few new cards. This made my wallet evergrowing & everbulging. Let me say the stoy about my wallet.
...my wallet was a gift on my 22nd brthday. I still do have the original box, the card that came with it. Even the carrier that was given with. Everything I had kept cause everything was special. This wallet by quiksilver is very unique. It came in 2 parts, a fat 1 and a slim 1. The slim end was like a very thin wallet that could be inserted nicely into the 'housing' of the mother wallet. This worked perfectly fine, until my wallet contents began to grew. I ended up just tagging along the slim end. It was much nicer & looked professional as well.
A few months back, the inevitable happened. The slim end started to show signs of wear. Maybe it was because too many things had been kept in it. A small tear had started to develop at the ends of where the cards were kept. Painstakingly & sadly, I transfered all the important contents to the fat end. Nothing much was new. Just the placement of the cards & more space, heh. Flash back to a few days ago, when card repositioning came in place. I literally took out everything, while at work no less, & sorted my mini life.
Out it popped, like a well place china in a house. There, the remains of what were us, laid. My mind quickly went into trance, to a question she had asked not quite long ago. "Is my picture still in your wallet?" & there without fail for love was the answer. Many months back when I was with the slim end, she had opened up the wallet to not find her picture. That of course prompted the question some time back. You see, I had carefully transfered the pictures to a safe place, not wanting it to age with the rest of the wallet and forgetting to tell her. Now that I was using the fat end, I was pleasently reminded of the past...
I am now at a junction. A very painful yet important junction that I am forced to take. I have to move on. Everyone around has been great, pushing me along, tagging me, making sure I was at least having my chin up. All the memories though still stood rooted deep inside of me.
I had the greatest of urges to tell her the moment I saw she came online. Our conversations though these days are very short, brief & concise. No surprises there :( Made it difficult telling hher things that have happened in my life.The feelings now just ain't the same? I have mellowed perhaps? I still do want her.
Perhaps she will read this. I do not know. Whatever it is, I just am glad that no matter what we are now...you still are somehow in my life.
...And with that I tucked the pictures neatly backed into the wallet...
"...what's there to live for ?? You've been through a major accident that almost killed you and returned. You saw death in front of you. What more do you want..."
Its funny how there are just some things that can be in front of us, yet we dont' see it. Bak pepatah kekata melayu, "Kuman seberang laut nampak, Gajah depan mata tak nampak." OK, maybe I'm not taking a very good example in a proverb. Forgive me yar. My malay's not that good =p
Its just strange how I feel.People keep telling me how they see that I'm muich stronger then this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. Nor am I whining, I'm just looking back & reflecting. Change is good. The transistion though is a very surpassable task thats very very blur.
Oh FYI, I dont't normally read my emails at msn. Please do email me through singnet. I'll put up the link soon. I opened up my msn mail this morning, & saw a mail dated 27th April. From a very unexpected person. It was a tale of 2 eggs, how 1 wished to just stay & be an oyster. Let its environment decide its fate. The other, wanted to be an eagle, wanting to shape its own fate. Wanting no limits up in the sky. I'm quite afray with these type of stories, thank you ;) but what touched my heart were the personal message afterwards. Thanx dear. You really moved me. I like the last word especially =p
hah notty cheeky me!
Had the whole long holiday weekend off. Spent it all going out. Forgot what its like to have a carefree life. I just made sure I spent it outside. How I wish though I had just rotted at home.
All the advises people give, even her, asking me to spend time outside...to 'so call' get my mind of things. Keep me busy. Yah I was busy. Was still busy always deep in thoughts. Everywhere I went I saw traces of my history. I saw people happy. I saw couples, specifically. All happy & spending time together. I was distraught at all da sights.
Yet I just kept busy. Cause i wanted to resist all major urges that I had. It was the mystery dates. Today marks the end of the mystery dates. It was sometime earlier in the day, 4 weeks ago since I was told. Its been that long.
My emotions seem to be running wilder & wilder by the day. As much as it is burning my ballistic ego, I am on my knees running with more emotions then I can handle. I thought I could restrain it all. Yet it pours like how the river ganges flows. Its pours now more so often then before, so much more then I can restrain. Ive broken down to the ends of my limit.
My past has been haunting me, reflashing in front of my eyes. Its not in the head. Its really happening right in front of my eyes. I meet soooooooo soooooo many people from my past now. Is it just me ? Is it just the timing ? Why now...of all times. If it was when I was stronger, I'm sure it would not affect me at all, but now i tear like nobody's business, finally.
I thought swimming would rid me of my troubles, it just got me more wet instead. Wetter inside then outside. Controlled as much as I could, but it showed judging from the responses. This is now the man who can no longer try to fake a smile. Its too damn tiring already. Even if I were able to muster a smile, the heartwrenches. For my heart hasn't smile for a long, long time already
right: we were the perjumpaan hosts :)
Actually I have 1 favourite pic, which I named "akak sexy & abg berg" haha (hearing all the laughs, esp from those who've seen that pic) but it was not back up-ed in my compt. I presume the memory card is still somewhere at TPE. So I cant upload it here. Oh well.
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