.-:= Death of a Desire =:-.

she turns 26...

2010-03-19T15:07:00.001+08:00

its been 5 years...

& yet a moment of weakness (??) prompted me to send her a fb message, with a simple 'happy birthday.' & that was all...

its been 5 years la kannnnnnnn!!!!

=/

two.zero.one.zero.

2010-01-02T11:20:00.000+08:00

and again....its the new year already ?
ITS ALREADY 2010!!!

2009

2009-01-04T01:38:00.000+08:00

Its 2009 already ??

of november 2008

2008-11-30T22:52:00.002+08:00

November oh November..

You have been all inspiring,
You have put me in awe with your amazement...

Yet truly...

You have shooked the very grounds upon which I stand
& you have rattled me off the fine balancing pole.

Full of ups & downs, emotions & hysterics. Drama, comedy & suspense.
You have made me smile...and you have made me wait in all eagerness...

November...
For I will truly remember more of the good stuff in november 2008...

november still in upheaval

2008-11-08T17:59:00.000+08:00

The mixture of emotions is crazy. It is all flying around in circles above me. Swirling & sidewinding in a mini halo over my head. My hands are jittery too at the moment. The emotions, it is all causing a very big blur to blow up right now. I can feel all the goosebumps running up my spine in ecstasy.

No real words can explain how I truly am feeling....

Flabergasted, dumbfounded, stupid even are just momentary feelings. VERY SMALL words to describe SMALL MINUTE feelings that goes through my brain and heart at this present time. I keep asking why! I keep trying to calm myself from being to emotional. I've been chanting and murmuring praises to Allah just to stop me from breaking down into an emotional wreck. But the more I try to slow the fast blurry actions across my eyes, the more I chant Astargfirllah, and the more I try not to even THINK about... it is all wearing me so thinly down.

I really am feeling...

I am either so different from their thinking...

Or I am just stubborn.

Truly, I wish that I am the latter, so that the bad labels are just on me....for truly that is what I am wishing for...

...dotty dotty dot...

Sadly & hopefully the truth, for I am not one to rest on my laurels. Not one to just be contented and percieve life as an achievement to have stable things. I know there is more out there...and for every dream that I have tried to pursue & FAILED. I know...

for it will just bring me one step closer to the REAL DREAM. & I will savour the moment then, not as point to prove that they were wrong but as a savoury of sweet delicacies, for success (whenever I achieve it) will be sweet and I will remember this journey.

MasyaAllah. Kita Hanya Dapat Merancang Tapi Tuhan Tetap Menentukan Nya.

Patience is bitter but the fruits are sweet...

a november full of surprises so far

2008-11-05T01:23:00.000+08:00

Okay okay...maybe the mad rush of blog post didnt come in...
haha...oh wells

here are the links for my KL & motoGP holiday pics...

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=35714&l=30ab1&id=614559543
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=35716&l=7c586&id=614559543
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=35717&l=63572&id=614559543
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=35719&l=cbe69&id=614559543
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=35721&l=495bb&id=614559543

& here are the links for my P6 melaka trip...

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=37383&l=5a6cf&id=614559543
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=37386&l=73a47&id=614559543
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=37396&l=9e9f0&id=614559543

November has proven to be a rather amusing & surprising month so far. I cant seem to go more than 24 hours for something to pop up and rock me off balance. From the very weird, to the unsurprising surprise, to an unexpected turn up, to some minor misunderstanding which is blowing way beyond preportions, and also to a discovery which is VERY time critical for me to react.

The need to shout it all out...

HEY ITS ONLY THE 5th!!

I wonder what else will unveil in November...

here i comeeeeeeee!!!

2008-10-17T06:47:00.000+08:00

Oh man...
Oh man...
I really cant remember the last time when I was this damn excited!!!

A few more hours & *swoons* I'm leaving on a jet planeeeee...

See you on flight AK124 ;)

See you on the KL Monorail ;)

See you at Hotel Brisdale ;)

See you at Kuala Lumpur!!! ;)

& of course...see you at Sepang ;)

I just have a feeling, theres going to be a maddening rush of blogposts within these next few days *grins*

w-h-i-t-e

2008-10-15T01:06:00.000+08:00

I am just a gargantous jumbo ball of emotions at this present time. Wondering when and how it all came to be this pile of mess. Stranger is, when did I realise that the bounce was atop of me. Sharp pain is pinching and poking me from inside the right of my brains as I wreck it to find the words to express myself. For it seems I am at a loss of words as well.

The need to burn off heat is so intense...

For it seems that I am finally relenting. The nett weight which I heave upon my slouched and mini excuse for shoulders is finally unable to be balance. To much to carry, to little space to rest upon. Is this burn out ?

No one seems to have the perfect answer. That aint a surprise of course, but it intrigues me how I am constantly disillusioned by her mistakes. Every little things seems to twitch me and it just appears that the irritation would appear to be bigger and BIGGER everytime. Not to mention the level of irritation.

And it doesnt surprise me that I have seem to be viewed as 'changed.'

Like a turtle it seems. Ducking under all the cross fire, or even shots upon me. Having my head hide, not to mention my limbs, inside my ever soft-er shell. They cant find me as much as they thought they would. For I have gone quiet. So so quiet that its very eerie honestly. I cant put a word to it. But how do you explain feeling weird when you had just set aside some time for yourself, and its ACTUALLY working but...

Is any of this blabbering making sense ??

Thinking hard to the past, I am. Its been a while since the 10th month had this effect on me. For I would normally be so ever cheerful at this point of the year. Things just dont. They dont stay constant and change is inevitable, necessary even to a large extent.

I still am trying to figure out.

I really am still trying to figure out how all this has gumballed into a very sticky ucky bubble yum of a mess. Very so very sticky the pink bubble yum. So so messy. I cant comprehend all of it with precise notion.

& I guess, I just have to soak into whats coming up. For I will ensure that I enjoy my first real holiday since November 2006. & its back to KL! where men will jerit ;) Sepang International Circuit, here I come. MotoGP, finally, I will get to see you. For I truly need this NOW!

wrong side of october

2008-10-07T13:31:00.000+08:00

One week of a dreaded october when I have been wanting to wake up from a 'not-so-bad' september...

I feel like Im on the wrong side of October... Plentiful of things just have not gone my way, & here I thought I was going to have a mammoth of fun in this month. Some times, well most times, things just wont go the way that we planned them to be...

on the plus side though, I am seriously glad I am still seeing her and we are still going out. Truly I am not sure how this will work out.

the 1st of the month beckons...

2008-09-30T22:11:00.005+08:00

Above all else that has passed in this few recent weeks, I truly am going to miss my 'caveman' look. Refined or not, I suddenly feel amiss when theres no bushy feeling at my chin, or when I pucker up my lips and theres no hairy feeling. & of course I will miss too, the itchy feeling thats akin to something crawling up my nose. Hah!

its just starting out
the full caveman look
the 2days refined look
I am going to miss Ramadhan, for its presence was not fully utilised(by me). Its too late for regrets of course and I pray that I will meet the next in good health, InsyaAllah.

& Syawal...
& October...

They are here now, for its time for me to wake up -_-

...& I am uncertain still. I can only proceed and work with what I think I have...

& that means leaving my status in dots & complication ...I guess =/

wishing one and all,

Salam Aidilfitri
Maaf Zahir & Batin

Tulus & Suci
Iklas Setia Hati

Ridak Ludba ;)
zamry17@singnet.com.sg

what if...

2008-09-29T06:42:00.003+08:00

The mind works in very funny ways. It doesnt exactly tell you what needs to be done & how it needs to be done. Just images of what should or could be the outcome of selected paths... for it has been an intresting week that has whizzed passed.

Of all the absent minded ideas that bumped around in my little pink brain, much has been about wondering the what ifs. I just cant help it. I know its not good but what if...

What if ...I was still with any of my ex-es. Hah! ...of all the what ifs!!

Wondering what if can never really do much positivity in one's life but I keep going round in circles this week arriving at all the what ifs.

What if I had signed on in SPF, what if I didnt take my riding license back then, what if I didnt fail my 1 and only supp paper, what if I had gone on to win PSK in 99, what if I had ACTUALLY studied, what if I had got that airport job, what if...

Pondering too much doesnt do wonders. Hah. I am so upset at myself this Ramadhan :( I really am. & yet another what if.

...& am going to really miss my so called 'caveman' look. Hah

End of Sept beckons, just wake me up then...

painting peek-cheers

2008-09-21T01:49:00.000+08:00

What have I been missing out on ??

I miss being an online painter. A painter using a keyboard as his easel. Potraying lavish pictures with words out of his life stories and experiences. Pinching on dashes of colour to the canvas in criss cross fashion. Oh I miss those times...

Lately the words, the phrases, the sentences and the stories... they are just ultimately pictures in my mind. For I have been bitten hard on my tongue. The cat has literally caught it with its vicous paws and not letting go. o0o the incinuating pain that I go tru every now and then, whenever screen shots are flashed beyond my eyes.

I miss this...

& I hope I can just let go some of this kept burden here like how I used to...

new skin

2008-09-21T01:35:00.001+08:00

blog codes finally changed...

for they seemed to have been there for an eternity...

...my blog has found its light...

have I found mine ?? Gee...

...

2008-09-10T20:36:00.002+08:00

I am after all else, a son. & I shall just have to bow my head in agreement then...

...

& sometimes a necessary evil has to be done. I dont feel too great about it yah...

...

I still lay out my hands in open fashion waiting for the green buck to roll in. For I aint self sufficent yet, so I shall just keep my mouth shut and let my work do the talking...

...

& every year, it truly gets harder, the tests. The light that I feel is brighter every year though...

seemingly like another senseless entry...

2008-09-06T16:53:00.004+08:00

I dont know whats happening in here...nor in my life. It all seems to be a mess but when I delve into the problems carefully, it strangely seems to be a perfect mess. Like its all part of a grand plan thats coming nicely into its jigsaw. Wonders of Ramadhan I can safely assume ;)

...makes me really wonder where all this is bringing me to...

ohhh... & I so have an inferiority complex feeling right now. Hah but who can blame it right except for me ?

This so doesnt make sense...
(I know cause I re-read alot of my previous posts...n some just dont make any sense and I cant recollect anything from the words. Haha)

...& yahh...
I havent tasted any new apples yet
aints sure if its a good or bad thing

1 week on...

2008-08-23T12:36:00.001+08:00

It really feels so short lived...

as described by iqa, im in THAT mode now...

suffering withdrawal symptoms laaaa....

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.

I will still hold on to my words...

Kalau jodoh tak ke mana

for it is small now...

2008-08-16T03:11:00.004+08:00

I just wished I could type as fast as I could think out aloud right now...

Something just got me thing & I cant exactly pin point what the freaking hell it is...

TRUST is such an under & over-rated word in my life right now... & as much as it seems that this is hanging dirty linen out in the public, it is NOT. I just cant find a proper avenue to express such a thought(s) or feeling(s). & I truly miss the times that this space was the catalyst to my calmness.

I so so feel that the trust is no longer there. Well maybe it could still be there but I doubt it BIG TIME. On my part, it certainly was way back in May. Woah...MAY! That certainly feels like an eternity at this juncture. Totally way off in eon terms. I gave my full hearted devotion and trust in it that long ago...& Im still trying to put the pieces to how & why it wasnt totally reciprocated in the first place. & please...I dont need no SHIT about its not YOU, nor not YOUR style. I poured out completely... period!

You may or may not trust me now but I cant totally make out if I want it right now.

The song that I jus post up, I dont even know why I post it up!!! Its not exactly the way Im feeling right now, but yarh, dont use it as an excuse or something. I cant believe that I was supposedly singgggleeeee for 3 years to have this, THIS wham me right in the face in only what... the 3rd month. Let us not delude ourselves, it was present way way in probably the 2nd month onwards. & if I remember what you mentioned correctly, issues reared its ugly head after my OH SO BIG declaration towards you.

sigh sigh...

nothing-ness creeps it at such a weird hour.

& all due to a five letter word called trust.

sheeshhhhhhhhhhh....totally bummer.

=/

sana sini...

2008-08-16T02:13:00.002+08:00

~~Just dont ask!!!~~

i tink i see the light

2008-07-16T00:12:00.003+08:00

What a burning question I have laid deep in my chest...

Do I stay contented or do I pursue happiness ??

Should I leave behind what is so familiar and step out of my comfort zone, placing my foot into yet another unchartered territory for where it seems that the grass is greener over the other side.

Or do I just stay in my red sea where I float and prod around with ease, surrounded all over by shallow waters with an aura of feeling important, and just adore the shining rays of light at the ends of the world with a questioning smurk.

For I feel I am on a launch pad...

June fly by

2008-07-02T02:34:00.000+08:00

The month of June has passed and is gone ...& so are most of its issues and money, if not all =p

With June gone, so has one of the most exciting football spectacles in recent time ended. Euro 2008 is done with Spain being champions but the biggest shocker to me is that ...I DIDNT CATCH ANY EURO MATCH LIVE OR FULL!! What an upset especially since this has been the tournament full of upsets, unpredicatability and yet NEVER empty of sublime football pedigree. Oh well ...somethings were just meant to pass.

~Viva la Spain~

June also mark the repeat of a cycle for me. Remember my P2 Pets Day post of 2007 ? Well Pets Day 2008 just flew by too. The only sad part is, I was busily firing rounds out of my HK-MP5 when the event was on. I only got to sibuk2 for the pre-event & preperations. & like last year I got to eat free Pizza again!! wooooo...

Introducing the P2 cast of 2008 ;)
Since Im doing a round up of June, might as well continue with the pics from my Batam Retreat for the CCPE 2nd Anniversary. My "familie" even had a mini bash for eza's 22nd with a very whitey theme ;)

Ticket to Batam!

With emcee Mohd

This is the Handsome Burger Emcee too ;)

Arrival Picture ...but where's Diana ?

We were so Welcome-d laaaa =p

Fun & Games after the oh-so Boring Seminar

The familie with our mascot ;)

Giving them the Hawaiian Twist

Happy Birthday EZA!!!

...here's your birthday present. Wahahah ;)

...k here's your real present

What's a birthday w/o being saboh-ed right ?

Just making sure she got the cake ;)

birthday girl & me

...finally all 10 of us got into a picture

Our very whitey affair ;)

Oh...that's a star to signal the way home ;)

I surely enjoyed that Retreat. It was totally awesome the companionship that was shared ;) Kudos goes out to the organising committee for the wonderful fun, games and dinner. See you during the 3rd CCPE Anniversary =p

Lets stay a lil longer in June, since Im on a roll. Sgt Faizal finally got hitched on 15 June and I managed to capture some pictures ...right up till the time the battery decided to die on me. Haha. Ingin ku ucap skali lagi, Slamat Pengantin Baru kepada Faizal & Nurul.

Steady as he goes...

Muka maintain...

Supporting cast for the day :P

Pencak Silat for a member but alas Pengantin tak dapat control mata. haha

Camera got the wrong focus daaaa....

Finally up on the dias...

& finally Faizal is smiling. ahaha ;) & then the camera died...

Staying in June yet still a while more longer...the wonderful memories with Mizfits. We are going strong now, the bonding ;) We caught Kungfu Panda and my my what a superb show. Power laaaa....oh and just last saturday Mizfits threw a surprise birthday celebration for our captain nur muhd. Fewittt....

Pose everyone...

We are KUNG FU PANDA :)

They made me a topshop model with this shot ;)

End of the day picture after laughing our asses off. Kinda sad that I missed Mizfits Get Smart movie outing. Oh well....

Nur's Surprise Birthday ;) Imagined he was dragged in blindfold like that all the way from Parkway tru' the underpass to ECP. haha. Hope you enjoyed your birthday dok!

...& now lets not forget the real reason why I initially wanted to blog today, or should I say yesterday. Haha. I started on Tuesday 11pm++ and now...DANG the clock has struck 230am. Here is the real reason why I missed MizFits Get Smart Movie Outing, as I was out surprising my other half. Fewitttt.....

Haha...kind of funny how I put up so much pics and wrote so much about June just so for a 1st of July celebration post. Happy 2nd Month dear. Told you I would get you a white & a pink rose ;)

28 - 26 = 2.7x

2008-06-11T12:43:00.002+08:00

The trust a colleague had in me was amazingly huge. In that great reveling though, I chanced upon something which is superbly disturbing to me at the moment.

I have always known all along how much educators are paid. Heh I grew up on educators' pay. & yet I was very much caught off-guard with the digits that I saw. It totally shook me off my seat. That led to a small & mini conversation on how much my pay is so paltry in comparison to his. No doubt on my part his stature in society and his academic scrolls but we are only 2 years apart. I started working around the same time as him & yet...

What pertubes me the most is the way those digits are mind boggling and insanely far away from mine. I had to check with my girlfriend, "why again am I a CCPE?" to which she answered, "because you love the job."

Let me try to put aside those lovely students, especially those that I have come to be very fond of. Lets put aside the great supervisors and wonderful working environment. Brush off even the colleagues that are now great friends. The events and wonderful activites and what about all the running around it is giving me...pick up now and lets chuck it one corner too.

Why am I staying ??

Ohhh...there is the CCPE familie. The great people whom I have a shoulder, or in this instance many shoulders to cry and complain on. They are the light to which when I need to escape the rigours of the education sector. They are the ones whom are under going similar plights as me & they are the ones that keep me sane.

But is all of that enough ??

The digits still swirl in my mind. The first thoughts that flew through my mind were how its 3 TIMES of what I earn. & after which I had settled down with my thoughts, a quick calculation led to 2.7 times. Shit thats still ALOT! This is the juncture where I am deciding if I should stay or walk. My kind and trusting colleague even told me that I am not paid the worth for amount of work thats been done. sigh sigh.

In such an inflated market where booming oil prices always steadily goes up. An era that my pay alone wont allow me to buy a flat, especially since flat prices are going up again. A time that $10 no longer allows me eat out with my partner and still have change. Heck, its not even sufficient!!

I ponder on the piles and piles of work that make up the mountains on my workstation. I think of all the so-called welfare that my company is providing me. I cringe at the pathetic pay that I am drawing each month. I really question myself if I am still loving the job.

I aint sure...
...only maybe because the digits are affecting me.
I cant think rationally at the moment.
But I really really wish that my management would read this and reflect...

Is it so hard up for the company to profit less just to ensure a lower trun over rate. To ensure they keep the best. To ensure precious training hours dont go to waste. Oh of course to ensure that people stop licking deir management balls to get a higher pay. I grow weary of the need for appearances in HQ level some times. For I know...all of that sometimes doesnt matter. Ive seen it once too often. You pile on the delegation and so called titles and make use of our ingenuity and sheer hardwork, is it so much to ask for more ?

With my own eyes, I have seen countless leave and when all was filtered, the 'big' fat paycheck always seem to be the pull and push factor. Neither how much they had loved the school nor the fondness that had attached to them could make them stay. I really understand why... These are sometimes what I see for myself, the people who are much much better in this job than I am. They who contributed much much more than what the norm does & yet...

Hey ...I aint spectacular. I dont consider myself good. I just am a loud motor mouth who does his job last minute every time and makes use of all oppurtunities to skive. But since you rate me not bad & the school rates me not bad, why aint I deserving something bigger ?

Walauwe! This is really affecting me today!

People from HQ, please read this & analyse!!

=/

paddle, wheels and knees

2008-06-09T17:27:00.002+08:00

It has taken me more than 53hours to find and cave out from deep inside of me, the energy to put up this post. I cannot remember if I have ever run more than 10km straight at one shot...but 53hours ago...I DID IT!!! Wohoooo...

In all tiredness, shagness, just plain down right nak mampos-ness...somehow my battered body found the will to complete the MESRC Adventure Challenge 2008. What an accomplishment, what an overwhelming feeling to have under my belt 6km of kayaking, 10km of cycling and 15km of trail running at one go...and not to mention it was raining HEAVILY at that. *thounderous round of applause* The best feeling comes from the fact that I did not stop at all through out my 15km run and that I was able to maintain an unbelievable pace. *standing ovation* haha...

...but of course, the aching and beat up body needed rest. Hours and ends of rest. Haha & now I find myself having difficulty just going down steps. Oh the excruciating pain that exerts from my right knee ligaments. The painful price to pay for an over blown balloon of an ego right now. Haha (",)

maintaining the rev...

2008-06-04T21:10:00.010+08:00

My mind is thinking way to fast for me to type it all out...

It has always been like this. I always have wanted to update my blog, even when the desires do not seem to flow endlessly in any silky fashion. Many a times though, the words just go racing by 123456789 words per sec. I cant possibly jot that down ...can I ?

Nearly 1 whole year of being on hiatus. The only viable reasoning for me forgetting about this cyberspace of mine is ... *bites lips* There is no logical reasoning nor feasible explanation. Work has always been work. I cant use that as an excuse. The desires for which started this blog ...hey they are way long gone and the desires that follow up on them some how weren't THAT strong for me to continue to pen down my thoughts.

Its funny though how this space had been frequented quite often. Guess I can only say out shamelessly that they either;

Really really love my writing and miss it so much
They care enough about me to want to know whats happening in my brain
They couldnt figure out how to un-do the make death-of-a-desire my homepage in internet explorer properties.

Hahaha. I am so enjoying writing again ;)

Any way I have tons and gazillions of photos to upload, speaking of which I cant forsee how I am going to do that here any time soon. Heh. But let me just start out with my recent short getaway. Kura2 tagged me along in a 1 day ride to Port Dickson. & there I was riding my 1000cc bike & its ONE OF THREE SMALLEST BIKE IN THE GROUP!!! Rose felt like a small girl amongst the blackbirds. Haha...oh well...here are the pictures that potray a thousand words ;)

First pit stop at MachapThats an FZ1 followed by the restThats the FZ1 owner - Kura2Yamaha Model ??2nd pit stop at Ayer Keroh. Notice the "smaller bikes" are together and the "big bikes" are together =PThe real reason for the Ayer Keroh pit stop ;)Pure delightThe group -1"lost" in LinggiFiguring out how to get to Port DicksonFinally we arrived at Eagle Ranch ResortRose & me ;)poseeeeeermm ?!?The cabin
All the guys -1Time for WARFierce ak ?Post war picture Picture with a horseAsking the horse how to get to the go kart area Time to raceGentleman...start your engines!!!no15 takes the leadddddddddddd...novice class racers with shower cap. hahaKura2 and me
Just me ;)Last pic in the cabinSaying good bye to Eagle ranchHey...look here!!!

...& so until my brain slows down again to a pace my Intel processor can keep up with (",)

the 1st month

2008-06-02T02:19:00.001+08:00

Tears of perspiration rolled down my rough coarse skin. Never did I expect that what was being done was damn difficult. Never did it occur to me that lighting up 100 candles would cause me to sweat. Haha...

I know ...I know. Where have I been. Hah.

There have been several times in which I thought that 'this would be it.' That of course refered to the point in which I would start blogging again. This time around, I am pretty sure. This huge and immense urge is far to great for me to let slip and not blog about. This feeling, this oh surreal feeling...

Without to much detail and to much back tracking on history and its information...I lay across the real reason why I feel that this pinch is too much for me not to blog about.

It has been slightly more that 1 month since I knew her. And in our conversations, she had asked when was it we actually got together. I never found the confidence nor the correct timing to ask her to be mine. Somehow we just grew closer within such a short time span but deep in my heart I had known it ever since that 2nd date ;) That 2nd date was 1 month ago.

& so approximately 25hrs ago from this posted time, I was in a basketball court profusely sweating as I lit up all 100 candles. Once completed, I gave her a call which I purposely made her expect. I am quite sure the display makes up for the missing question. Haha. It quite clearly is an indication of when the date is ...right ;)

Happy 1st month my dear (",)

getting the wheel to turn...

2008-02-10T17:53:00.000+08:00

I so so so suddenly feel the urge to blog...

but I DO need a new blogskin first!

of openings & sparks

2007-10-08T03:54:00.000+08:00

The sudden twist of heart to seemingly pen down all thoughts that fly through this eccentric brain, has been re-ignited suddenly. Was it the extreme gush of wind, mind blowing & whirl wheeling lanes of air, or the excessive force of throttling Rose in the redness of night, that cooled the hot balloon headed me of late ?

Needless to say that an extra surplus of activities has gone by without me hitching it into cyberspace. Huge and gargantous volumes of events have passed and slipped by, not to mention the more enormous baggage of social and emotional learning it has left behind. & yet, the current situation seems as though nothing has gone wrong ....yet!

People notice when things could go wrong. Especially people who are dearest around us. The provide us with timely reminders, reminders of change. Reminders are normal, be them gentle or eitherwise. Winds of change(s) is also normal. I need to recall these constantly so as not to be cramped by 4 walls, the ceiling and the flooring.

---------
I came across a saying somewhere that goes, "It is not life if nothing goes wrong." I just have to take every single learning in my stride, momentously that is. In all the gloominess that was surrounding me at that moment, came a request for my life quote. Be it original or adopted, I had to come up with my life quote. I thought hard and long and almost missed the stipulated timeline I had been given. Various and numerous quotes un-zipped in my mind and I toyyed around with quite a few... until it hit me that I had actually been living off my own life quote that I had not come to realised.

"Endure the sufferings for the best is yet to come"

The notion that the best is yet to come has probably pushed me, made me perservere willingly (& in some cases un-willingly) that no matter what circumstances I am under, I should always push for my best and live life to the most.

---------
& some how, no matter how strong a front I display to the world, it all comes crumbling to pieces like bits of cookies when matters are brought closest to heart; the home. I just have to live up to my billing, it seems. & that is just the trouble. For when I dissapoint, plentiful matters are brought up and I just tumble like old building blocks.

I am trying my best & suffice to say, my actions of recent weeks are all good in nature. Good in nature of my thoughts doesnt always transcend into good percievable actions. For I have mentioned it before and shall reiterate it once more. For sometimes it is just best to say nothing at all. Strange uh, how keeping mum with minimal actions of distraction can still cause conflict.

---------
All these some say are just tests, especially in this holy month. Im seeking to pass this turbulent and trying testing period of mine. Makes little wonder how I have yet been able to fully capture the wonders of the holy month, let alone be prepared for the joyous festivities of new moon.

Orange...I will go orange then, & try and soak up what ever is left of this month so as to squeeze the juices out the next.

Eid Mubarak 1428 all ;)

why am I doing this ?

2007-09-27T00:36:00.001+08:00

Some one had to tag me with this. Oh well, heres a lil bit of fun in my couped up room.

1. (the person who tagged you is)
- Baitina

2. (your relationship him/her is)
- CCPE Familie ;)

3. (5 impressions you have of him/her)
- BLUR, Bubbly, Blur, Drama mama...n ohhh Did I say BLUR ?

4. (the most memorable thing he/she has done for you)
- ermmm....accompany me to function ?? Does that count ?

5. (the most memorable words he/she has said to you)
- MAMAT!!! hur hur hur

6. (if he/she becomes your lover, you will)
- be attached laaa....haha

7. (if he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improved on will be)
- Learn to cook!!!!

8. (if he/she becomes your enemy,you will)
- shoot on sight :P

9. (if he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be)
- she didnt swallow ?!? wahahaha

10. (the most desirable thing you want to do for him/her now is)
- now thats a tough one with herrrr!!!

11. (your overall impression of him/her is)
- *shakes head*

12. (how you think people around you will feel about you)
- "dekni telan sound system kepe ?*

13. (the characteristic you love about yourself is)
- Im egoistic

14. (the characteristic you hate about yourself is)
- Im egoistic

15. (the most ideal person you want to be is)
- an ideal me ;)

16. (for people that care and like you, say something to them)
- Call me out & belanja me k ;)

17. (pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you)

(i) me
(ii) myself
(iii) i
(iv) aku
(v) saya
(vi) beta
(vii) mua
(viii) je (french)
(ix) yo (espanyol)
(x) εγώ (greek)

(Who is no.6 having relationship with?)
- none of the above

(Is no.9 a male/female)
- male

(If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?)
- not possible

(When was the last time u had chat with no.3?)
- right about now

(What kind of music does no.8 like?)
- musically deaf la

(Does no.1 has any siblings?)
- Yes

(Will you woo no.3)
- no3 will woo me

(How about no.7)
- no7 will wo no3

(Is no.4 single?)
- currently yes

(What's the surname of no.5?)
- Melayu takda surname

(What's the hobby of no.4?)
- doing stupid stuff like this

(Do no.5 and 9 get along?)
- they get along very well

(Where is no.2 studying at?)
- Tanjong Katong Primary

(Say something casual about no.1)
- he is egoistic

(Have you tried developing feelings for no.8?)
- since day1

(Where does no.9 live?)
- in the same apartment as his parents, still

(What color does no.4 like?)
- BLUE

(Are no.5 and 1 best friends?)
- its a love hate thing, really

(Does no.7 like no.2?)
- again another love hate thing

(How did you get to know no.2)
- spent 9 months in a womb with me

(Does no.1 have any pets?)
- none

(Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?)
- HELL YES

alrite,i shall pick six people to do this.

(i) me
(ii) myself
(iii) i
(iv) aku
(v) saya
(vi) beta

anyone else intrested, please do so
wahaha....

NOT me...NOT at the moment

2007-09-20T02:51:00.000+08:00

This is so eeriely weird.
I so feel like I am starting something new.
Hypothetically speaking of course...

Oh the gentle breeze that rustles in
It soothes my skin, my dark coarse skin
Yet it heats me up to a livery red.
A reverse it goes, it ignites the red

For the red river flows from the freezing chiller
Warming me up all around it goes
Inside to out, amazing you know...
a cooling breeze, just a gentle breeze

I'm so forlorn
so ecstatic in my whispers
to carry this on
I'm losing with a whimper

What a synthetic setup now in place
A porous facade could come tumbling after
The gentle breeze, now its keeping me afloat
stay with me now, this heart if not its just a chiller.

Rintangan, cubaan & dugaan...
Sentiasa kata kata ku akan disalah faham
bukan niat untuk disimpan
bukan niat untuk membohong
bukan niat untuk menyusahkan hati
Kekecewaan sahaja kian perit ditelan
Rintangan, cubaan & dugaan...

signals to the end of my 'P' ?

2007-08-25T20:05:00.000+08:00

...& she said, "your job...its your hobby right ?"

...& they agreed in unison, "Yes. You can handle anything EXCEPT MUSIC!!!"

hahaha...I just do love both comments ;)

a small lil outburst

2007-07-31T02:23:00.000+08:00

I have come to a point where I can utter not much about myself.

Someone somehow managed to crack and peel off certain outer lying shells of mine and came up with an old description on how she vaguely remembers me. It was very heartening to read out 4 points, 4 good points as I see. Reading out aloud in my brain 4 compliments about ones self can certainly brighten up a bleak evening.

Yet in that same day, many hours earlier, I had been brought to miniature smiles on how I was the central topic of conversation as I had come to find out. Maybe all those little things, did have something good out of 'em. Maybe just maybe, people are starting to notice that the one thing I am always remembered by, is the one little thing where my strength lies.

Only time will tell...

.....

Time has told on 1 warmth aspect that I had been seeking. A warmth that I truly have been badly in need of. No matter that it came in a different form. It was warmth. No matter it was not complete. It was warmth. So be it that I had to get half a hug from my pillion. Beggars cant be choosers now. I'll take anything that comes in my path. Period.

.....

I have been deprived of REAL talking. REAL COMMUNICATION.
Dont deprive me of a little comfort & warmth.

I need a hug real bad. A HUGE ONE.

was I dreaming

2007-07-30T10:09:00.000+08:00

I tried my luck yesterday.

...& I fell asleep waiting for a reply.

I waited for 2 replies in fact but neither one came good.

Well I guess thats just the story of my life right now. & I truly wonder why I still look back towards the white lilies. Why do I still reminisce ? That thought just leaves me all awry.

& it is strange how 2 months has passed but yet the white lilies still remain at the bottom of the page as of this entry. It is just totally so strange now.

For I am shy... I am lonely

Delusional

2007-07-23T00:46:00.000+08:00

Its been a heck of a 10days. & it seems Im about to do something which I do more often then not nowadays. *blows off the dust* If I aint careful, cobwebs would start appearing and I must take caution not to let those dreary homes of the spiders to get to my brain.

The brain has taught me a painful & shivering lesson of late. It said, "NEVER DRINK COKE WHEN YOU'RE SICK!" hahaha. I wonder what deluded me into downing coke when I was still in a half dazed manner with my blood boiling at 38.9 degrees celsius.

Hah. Thats just the only thing that my mind can come up with now. Hah.

Amazing how little my brain can conjure up when I take away all the sappy, weepy and emotional sides of me. Hmm...but hey! Its for the better right ?? ...right ???

from a lower division

2007-07-13T11:14:00.000+08:00

The mouse went click click and images flashed through my screening eyes. The memories from all the snapshots are quite crystal clear. The pictures moved around and depicted a jigsaw which I suddenly comprehend.

Shes way out of my league...

I sense distortion

2007-07-11T13:00:00.000+08:00

Its ironic. It seems futile. & blogging feels much of a chore now.

Periods & Puns not intended.

I have been quiet. By my standards, I feel I have been VERY VERY quiet. We will see jus how long this last.

& I am so in need of warmth. Just a simple big hug...

Strangely though, I got it last saturday night from the least expected person. An old acquaintance that I bumped into at PS and she just readily stuck her hands out. She was sincere, Im quite certain of it but I need bonded warmth, a relationship type of warmth. Just one big huge gigantic hug right now.

For suddenly everything is spinning and swirling around in my head, AGAIN.

P2 Pets Day

2007-06-30T01:54:00.000+08:00

It was P2 Pets Day in school. 9th working day (non-inclusive of courses) and I am finally involved in a real activity. Resident Giraffe of the day was in charge of "other unique animals." Singing along and playing the maracas with the teachers for the P2's was fun. I just wished I had more photos. Had fun, enough said ;)

Life as a CCPE has been fruitful so far. Theres a long list of activites for Term3. Let it all unfold graciously now.

Oher then the working world, the rest is in quite a mess. The pocket is always empty nowadays. I really wonder why =P Rose is due for her bike check up soon. She needs fresh lubs as well as fresh race tyres. Wonder from which part of the empty pocket I shall dig from.

Have been sustaining for quite a while. Yet I was weak and let out a sms to my eyecandy. Maybe, it is just that. Just an eyecandy from the start. Heh. Oh well, time to move on *looks ahead*

Ive been tryin to collate alot of pictures. & I think tmrw I will be posting quite a handful of it. Heh if Im in the mood of course. I want to rekindle the good moments. I want the flow of imagination to never stop. But nothing never fails to cease. Period.

The feeling to blog is so so much different now from back then & whenever...

in control

2007-06-24T17:21:00.001+08:00

I have been adorningly staring at my L7 of late. Just have been mesmerised every time. & yet I am still in control. I have not let slip a signal to her. In control of the good or bad, I just aint sure, for now. The more I am restraining the urge, the bigger the setbacks it seems. I just cant break out of this bad teenanger habit of mine. I really wonder why I just cant break the precarious bad habit.

Tomorrow is Monday. Brand new start to the academic semester. Lets just see whats in store for me aight.

MotoGP Sunday has been a routine so far, whenever it is on schedule. Will be with the normal dudes, or rather just 1 dude. Haha. This is one type of blood there runs deeper then water though no family ties (",)

All of this I think should suffice to restrain me from the urge.

sms

2007-06-23T09:31:00.000+08:00

Fuzzy. Blurry. Seeing things in wavy distortion. No real recollection what so ever. My eyelids peered opened to a frenzy overload of information that has been whizzing in my brain through out the past 12hr ++ or so...

Was I sleeping ? or was it due to some medical ailment I am experiencing. More then 12hr of sleep, or should I say unconsciousness, and yet I am still reeling from the dizzy spells. A total Knock Out it was, admittably.

The main train of thought when I was fully aware of my surroundings were how HUGE I had the urge to sms someone. I really really want to. I am wary. I am afraid. I am having still much of the dillusion that I experienced a few weeks back. The gulp, it is still stuck in my throat. Very clear the feeling and very vivid still the advise from faj. I should just keep it that way, right ?

The urge...it is GIGANTIC...

just a small small "helu" sms...

would that be too muchhh ?

GEEE!!!

2007-06-22T01:38:00.000+08:00

*blows the dust off the blog*

As much as I would have loved to update, I cant seem to. Hah...No-brainer in fact but well ive been out of inspiration of late. We will just see, maybe today's entry will spark something off...

CCPE life since 12 May has been fabulous to say the least. & ever since 12th May, I had wanted to list down the stories that were contained in my memory cells. Great & hysterical stories of my new 'family' & with many many pictures too...

That perhaps though ...would be for another day.

The next biggest thing AND the main reason Im updating today is....

I MISS MY LONG HAIR!!!

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summary of May

2007-06-01T02:10:00.000+08:00

Just what do you write when everything whizzes you by at an extremely zany pace. How then do you pen your memories, from the clouds of thoughts to the reels of movies from the eyes to the stroage bank of your brain. How does one ensure that what has passed would be remembered as the days pass you by...

A very weird weird dream shook me up from the slumber of sleep yesterday afternoon. I was awoken to the beads of sweat profusely trickling down my face. It was almost very factual, very vague and seemingly very real. A nightmarish experience even. When I thought of it carefully, my dream seemed more like a future chain of events running in sequence with me, from a 3rd person's view. I could even see myself in the dream and at times I was transported to the me in my dream, and after certain scenes, there I was back in the director seat watching it all unfold.

May has passed by with such tremendous gusto. Whirlwinds of events just blew me along and settled me at the start of June. Yet many occasions in May, time was excruciatingly slow in motion. There I would be just staring into an emptiness, into a stark blank of lights that radiate upon my sleepy eyes. Almost every instance I am at the office, would such a scene be played out. & everytime the eyes shut, the sandman came to play.

The sticky feeling on the skin has yet to linger off. To the discerning eye, one could even spot still droplets of sweat on the opened pore skin. Its been several hours. Scientifically, a day has even passed by and yet the truckload of information is still driving around aimlessly in my head, unable to be digested into proper binary digits for the super computer to comprehend. Was it really just a dream ? Is it really a future chain of events ? As the sweat continues to evaporate off the steaming skin caused by the fury of hot blood gushing around the body system, chunks of data and memory of that nightmarish dream fade away fast and far. For truly, does the brain want to comprehend it all....

MAY.
May...May...May....

Can I still take the stroll around the garden with an empty train of thought ?
Can I... Can I ?

White Lily

2007-05-25T16:32:00.000+08:00

& it would have probably looked something similar to this...

Happy 21st birthday dear ms.hourglass

2007-05-23T18:04:00.000+08:00

The stir. The mad gush of blood streaming up and down the veins of your body, oozing up to the central core of the nervous system. Its all crazily intense. Suffocating even at times. Yet the richness of the flow still continues. Never ending until it has dawn upon the brain and yet it will continue again, the mad flow. & it will go on and on until the body temperature has been able to subside down. This process is maddening. It is sickening. It is squeezing all the juices out of the brain, my brain to be exact...

The heart never relents, continously pumping & pumping blood to the all the areas that has cried for the reds presence. It goes into a frantic overload of a work rate. Hours on ends at many times, yet it just sit stills and never complains. For if it complains, the whole system will be doomed. So it just sits there and duly does it duties. Pumping and pumping and only goes to a minimal rest when the body does decide it is too much for the day and shuts its eyes for a rest.

Its all in a jumbled mess right now...

rock-a-bye-rain

2007-05-01T06:37:00.001+08:00

I am dead tired. I have just reached home. Not inclusive of a small 1/2 hour pit stop during maghrib before racing out to meet the guys, I have not been home since I left for work on 30th April. Gee...and I have not been asleep for that long a period.

So much to say, so much to dictate, yet the pitter patter of the heavy downpour outside now is bouying my oh so heavy eyes to sleep. If I could, I would confidently proclaim that I am going to update from LaLa Land. But Oh well, lets hope I get up in time before I leave to catch Peter Parker later in the afternoon...

If I ever catch him at all...haha

(-.-)...z...Z...z...Z...z

a lil rejection never hurt anyone

2007-04-29T00:21:00.000+08:00

*phew*

Though the task at hand was not accomplished but other things were accomplished never the less. Okay maybe not other things, just 1 thing. Hah. The positive thing that I could pull from it was that it was done. I did it, with out much fun fare. I just did it. Just like how Nike says it, "Just do it."

Thanks alot dear Zee. She was pushing me all the way ...haha. In her own crude and cruel way but I think I would have prefered her style than any else's at that moment. & thats the reason I ran to her for help. Haha.

Now that at least 1 thing is off my mind, there is so much less tension. There is more things that I can think off. There is more space for me to breathe in less panicky action. Heh. I just couldnt believe the jittery state I was in during that short short moment. My speech was slur & Im sure I was behaving oh so-not-me. A good thing I managed to salvage from the incident is a lil phrase that went,"aww so sweet." haha...giving me butterflies in me tummy I tell you. I can sleep well tonight and look foward with much brighter light bulbs.

Oh well...

I can concentrate fully on the 2 power packed action events for tomorrow now.
And maybe...just maybe a little thing called spontanuety will come into play (",)

letting it out momentarily

2007-04-28T23:02:00.000+08:00

I aint sure what I truly desire at the moment. Everything inside of me seems to want to let it out. The signals that I do emit though are short burst of frequencies. I dont know who can translate all those signals but 1 things for certain I have yet to do it correctly to the person in mind.

I am just a handful of confused twines that make an oddly shaped ball. I dont know what exactly I want. I dont know how exactly to express what I want. I dont know no shit at the moment. I dont even know if blabbering in cyberspace is the way to go...

What I do know is I dont want to miss out on the oppurtunity to have let it out. When I recollect my thoughts and think of certain situations, I shake my head in disbelief as I had squandered several wonderful chances to let out my inner desires. Now, it may not be the greatest of timing but if I wait any longer, will there be a better timing ??

Its tearing me from withing. Scratching the walls of my rib cage slowly from the insides. Tearing the muscles down with constant blows of anguish. Knocking down this once fully confident man into tatters. I am at a dire crossroad.

This will serve as my testiment to the future then, should anything...good or bad...turn out from what ever it is that I am planning to do. & of course if I ever get to do it. Just picking up the damn phone to dial her number can be such an impossible task. When I did on 2 occassions get the number dialled, I hurriedly scattered to hang the phone up before the ringing began. OH just what is wrong with me!!

:(

2007-04-28T12:43:00.001+08:00

I am having trouble making contact. Thats just about it...

Blockade

2007-04-25T16:58:00.000+08:00

I cant keep a clear and level head. I just cant find out what is hindering me. What is it that transparently blocking my surge forward...

Ideas, thoughts, murmurs, discussions and self prep talks have been plenty in abundance these past few days. Surprisingly it just doesnt not flow as smoothly out the brain/mouth whenever the monitor is facing me. The fingers cramp up on me, they fail me as the natural downward stream of vibes stops just short of the keyboard. I cant understand it. I really cant.

But then again, no one is complaining right ? Righttt...Heh!

Until the wonderful vibes vibrate then.

triangle of change

2007-04-22T23:51:00.000+08:00

What I was feeling in a reverse dingy sort of way, earlier this evening...
Keeping silent it seems is never correct. For when you keep silet, you could be consenting to alot of things which you didnt do nor did you agree to. Keeping quiet just allows for words, plety of them, to be stacked neatly in rows into the mouth en route to the throat. That is when one is keeping silet.

Saying what you think in tempremental fashion is no different. Its just doubles the trouble of keeping silent. Im sure many readers would agree to this conclusion of mine. Thats blowing your lid some say.

What about answering a question, in a very calm, well mannered & dare I say "asnwering the question" type of way ?? For when one tries to answer the question, one should try to derive all possibilites, and to get to that, one has to gather as many facts as possible. My view is that the main question should be answered first, and any repeat topics that is consistently brought up would be reiterated. Well what seems a very simple question always seems to get out of hand.

For the upteenth time, a pause when someone is giving their opinion does not necessarily equate into a question. & though people may let you explain or rationalise your answer/opinion, it does not generaly mean that they are ready to listen...let alone accept what ever that was painlessly thought and put into effort in answering. For other people's opinion will always be their own opinion and they will not hesitate to chide aside any remarks which they frown upon and not agree upon.

How the winds of change come about in 1 simple lazy Sunday.

"A tear from my eye...for they are the hardest to please."

Bak pepatah melayu, "cakap salah, tak cakap pun salah"

I guess the age old phrase is true. & it IS there for a reason. Lets just stick to it for the time being....or FOREVER yahhh.

"For if you got nothing good to say, it is better to say nothing at all."

25 & rocking on

2007-04-22T17:51:00.000+08:00

"...dont miss the feelings while its still fresh..."

A little revival of the bubble of thoughts from a wonderful character in my glorious Lepak Circle. How bright and refreshing those little words came & brought me out of a mini twilight zone with words. & the sun shone brightly as the rainbows formed, amidst clear and crisps dew smelling concrete. A shattering relief of afternoon showers that shook the heat of my tired weary body.

The rays are forcefully brightening up my room, and in particular directly upon my eyes. & as I hear the birds whistling & chirping, the sweet serenity that surrounds me in nonchalant notion is pure bliss. Just plain wonderness settles in, with the timely cracking of the MRT tracks none the less.

Its been a while since I could describe such feelings. It really has been a while.

The swirling lights, the intense sweat perpatuating from people around you, rubbing shoulders. The music...something which I have difficulty in reasoning. For I am musically deaf. I can only make out the thumpings that echo within walls towards my ear drums. Different would be an understatement as how I am feeling now. It was a totally mixed emotions of a night where my birthday bash was being held. All in all, I can only say thanks to the people who made it happen...

Being squashed up is no good feeling. At that instance, the world slowed down. Almost everything was tick tocking in a dreadfully wonderful way. Blur was the initial thoughts racing in my mind as the great people of the floor swarped around me. It was a great big HUG. Something I havent felt in a long long time. I could suddenly make out the noise, with a great great tune...a birthday song fit for a KING. It was a truly touching moment as I tried to hold back my tears. It covered up the depressing moments for that night, that week and for a short while what ever negativity that was rooted deep inside of me.

A clenched fist of victory to the top. A big HEART felt thank you once again. I dont mean to miss out anyone but the pictures below should suffice the memories that will linger for an eternity.

Wonder which girl caught my attention...

MMF action (",)

Why wasnt the berfdae boy in the center

Since 1995...
All things seem to be wanting to vomit out this body now. I dont really fill like spilling the beans on everything but I keep reading the first line of this post. & its true that I got to say it out loud while its still fresh.

This birthday week has been a little piercing for I didnt get even close to executing something which I had planned for weeks. My balls just did a dissapearing act, and surely too, it had something to do with the fact that a certain birthday wish came late. Heh.

My friendster shout-out reads: "I have the biggest crush on yu...yet I cannot summon up the courage to tell yu :( "

That should just about explain everything. siGh.

& to think that it was a quiter affair last year but something I enjoyed more, in a totally different retrospect of course. Somethings maybe will just need time...

EveryONE's been telling me to be a man. I truly just dont have the LOGICAL explaination why I just cant do it. EMOTIONS just play deeper in this episode. Why ? Only time can tell...

It was 5am on my birthday & I was startled from my deep frozen slumber by an sms which reads something like(if I remember correctly),"Need I remind you that you are officially pakcik status" A small but apt reminder graciously provided by one whom I address by Guardian Angel in this space. It did put a smurk on my face, that sms. But hey the parties still rock on at 25! hehe.

Oh!! & heres the last shocker (not!)

Please be informed, that after strong & mindful consideration, I am resigning from my post of MERPS2 WM Data Analyst.

It has been a pleasant working experience for the past 6 months but I have had to re-evaluate my career path & opportunities that had presented it self. I thank the company for the opportunity I had been given and wish the company success in future endeavours. I also wish the MERPS department a successful cutover

With this, please accept this letter as notice of resignation effective 10-Jun-07.

Sincerely,

THE Contract Warehouse Management Data Analyst

That was 12 odd days ago...
lets hope I dont wait another 12 days, weeks, months or YEARS for another shock :P

Happy Birthday Me

2007-04-17T16:49:00.001+08:00

*looks at clock. 20mins more to end of work*

So...Its my birthday. I am supposed to update something right ??

Haha...Happy Birthday Me!!

happy birthday MY BLOG

2007-04-15T21:44:00.000+08:00

So today is the 1 year anniversary for my blog

*sprays confetti* yeahhhhh & this just further re-iterates that I need someone to talk to. I cannot just keep on going talking & expressing all my emotions to this space. There is just so much that I can release to cyberspace. There is just so much...

& when I say I need to communicate, I mean a real person. No msn, no sms, no imaginary friends & what not nonsense that have scrapped and fly through my puny little brain.

I suddenly feel lonesome.

Bah!

*sprays confetti again*

Bah! =(

The old man has spoken

2007-04-14T23:58:00.000+08:00

If I can ever find a logical reason why this space of mine has been void for a while, its probably down to the fact that there has been just too many things going on in my life now. Kind of ironic uh ? How events have whizzed me by and yet my entries are not even sporadic in the past week. Oh well. Alhamdulillah April has been just fine too me.

I had thought to myself that I could probably even go on without another entry till after my birthday bash next week but something had to pop up and I just couldnt let it go by without penning this little piece of history. Heh.

For it has always been, ever since I ended my NS and undertaken a thing called a job, that my mum, out of goodwill, would yack down my throat with regards to me getting married. It came to a point that I was even numb to it, though some times it did affect me. Lately things have gone eerily quiet. So so quiet that I even noticed the mood change in my mum towards this particular topic. I could not put a finger to it when I noticed, coincidentally during the first few days of April. Now though, things are a little clearer as to why. Heh.

All the commotion that goes around in the house are normally just quietly observed by the old man. None much for words unless things goes out of line. A few moments ago, STRANGELY, it was him that was suddenly blabbering to me about finding the right one. Asking me if I needed help and the likes and so on. Oh he didnt stop there of course as the other 20 year old was also dragged into the picture. It was really kind of strange & weird. He aint normally like this. There he was going on and on like a GPMG mounted on a tripod. Facts and pointers shooted off him like there was no end.

It then struck me. The old man wants GRANDCHILDREN!!! Haha!

Yah thats the biggest likelyhood. Aint sure if my mum got anythings to do with this. Hah.

Oh well... Kalau jodoh ku...tak ke mana (",)
*prays hard that what ever words was exchanged comes true, InsyaAllah*
heeeeeeee *grins*

Okay that settled, brief updates I guess ?

Theres a certain fact about me that I have yet to tell my close friends about. I didnt even want to tell my family till the right time, yet the old man had his way of finding out. I guess I'll update about that once the gang finds out. Oh ms.secretary, please dont blurt it out yet k ;) thank you.

Oh...& speaking about the gang, they had Sup Tulang just now. & I WASNT there!! Why was it on a saturday evening. Gee! so much for the Saturday night commitment. Its almost like a marriage, just without the perks...just yet :P haha. Oh and for the un-informed, its not a commitment with any girl, SADLY :P

My birthday bash would be next week. Will update more on that soon, I hope. Ha!

Erm...anything else dear brain ?

Heh, how could I not talk about it. Lets let the picture do the talking for a start...

I really got to hand it to mr.[K]600...tak sia2 ko tak pakai suite! Haha. For someone taking photos at pasir gudang for the first time, he got really good photos. Hmm wonder how lisan's photos will look like ??

I am not sure why, but I kind of like this picture above, just as the 5lap challenge began. Wooo & I think I was revving the engine a little too much cause it looks like my front wheel is off the track, dont you think ? Heh. I know my timing is not that good but since its only my.. *counts fingers*...7th time on the track, a hand time 1min53secs aint so bad right ? Heeeeeeeeeeee....

The one and only picture without my helmet. And just look at that oversized suite. Haha. Way back when I bought the suite in late November, that size 50 suite fitted to a capital T. Read --> Post Hari Raya Fats! haha. Now that my weight is stabilizing back again, think its high time I got that Spidi size 48 hahaha or should I get the Arlen Ness size 48 *pfft*

This lesson has taught me that my weight will always hover between 56kg. Heh.

So this is my last entry before my blog hits 1 year. Its been that long eh. *grins* Well Im short of a few entries to 365 but I think those dont matter no more. I aint posting as a secret shout out to no one no more.

The future beckons now!!!
*still praying hard that the word exchange with dad will come true*
Heh(",)
All engines full throttle ahead!!!

secret links

2007-04-05T02:22:00.000+08:00

Ever wondered why secrets are intriguing ?

I found out a little, or should I say HUMONGOUS secret. khekhekhe. But dont worry my friend, its safe with me as long as my guts can keep it from spilling. Wahaha.

In light of the coming events this month & in response to a certain sms, I am quite certain that I would be revealing a little, or should I say HUMONGOUS again, secret of mine. It could finally happen. I could finally profess...

This still has no connections what so ever to the GIGANTIC secret none except for a particular colleague, and those that helped in ensuring the linkage, has insider news to.

Of kept news...
Of dirty little secrets...
Of sex, lies & videotapes ?? haha (",)

March Blues no more

2007-04-04T15:30:00.000+08:00

I wonder who was April's FOOL last sunday.
I really do wonder...
since I was just at home waiting & waiting...

Oh well...
All's well end's well
...I guess, especially since Im near broke.

Something just went amiss in my accounts again this month. & now I am just gasping at the brim of the bottleneck. Oh wells...

Other then feeling like, what seems, a fool on sunday, April has been good. Not normal, but actually quite good. & theres something inside of me which is so wanting to burst out but Im just keeping it tight lip till everything is a-okay (",)

April wish

2007-04-01T18:25:00.000+08:00

Well...I thought I was better than that but in the end, I was weak.

April is finally here. Please shove aside all the bad luck of March away. I cant stand it no more. Its just bringing me down and out. Its no good. Just no good. Though April didnt start off brightly, I want to make it good. Please let me make it good.

There is 2 truckloads, or maybe more, of banter that I can just shoot away with regards to the sway effects of March. I dont get it. Why was it so bad. Why was I in such an utter state of unluckiness, to say the least. Its passed now and its not coming back, I hope, InsyaAllah.

I was at a wedding reception just now. A dunmanite from my cohort, and if my memory serves correctly, he is the first male friend from that cohort whos wedding I have attended. Gee...one of guys from my batch finally tied the knot. Wonder when it will be one of my guys ;)

Selamat pengantin baru kepada Iradi & Nurasfiza. Semoga jodoh berpanjangan hingga ke akhir hayat (",)

--------------------
hey! hey! its 17 days awayyy... Certainly the bright spark that Im looking forward to currently. I so want to be in a good good mood. So please please help out by making sure I am furnished with the below mention goodies. Hah!

Tag Heuer Mercedez SLR limited edition watch (they only manufactured 3500 of these! there's one on display at marina square)

Tissot MotoGP limited edition watch

Any MotoGP '07 replica fullface helmet

Clover RS3 gloves

Intel Dual Core Processor Desktop (doesnt matter Mac or Windows)

Xbox360

A new bed (preferably Queen size)

A 2 seater sofa to fit in my room

21" wide screen LCD tv

Sony Walkman 880i

Nike trainers

Timberland shoes

G2000 reversible windbreaker

& of course... moolahhh!!! lots & lots of moolah!!!

Okay now that Ive let all that air out from my chest about the intangible stuffs, I can concentrate on the real things in life that I want to go for. These are just some of the stuff that I want to achieve in the near future. Since Im going to hit the quarter century, Im hopeful that I would at least hit 80% of the targets before the next milestone, the big 30!

In no particular order ;

Get a permanent career

Achieve a certain level of foothold in the dream creator

Get my degree

Getting my aviation license

Gaining more knowledge from my dad

Acquire more knowledge from the Federation

Putting into regular practise all that knowledge

Stopping all my bad teenager habits

Getting closer to my Creator

Getting my best standing in PSK

Participate in a race series

Achieving a podium finish

Go on a holiday outside of South East Asia

Finding that ms.perfect for me

Making my parents proud of me

So dear friends and readers, do help me out yah. If not alot, then even the minimum words of encouragement would help. So here it is April. My next footstep into adulthood and life.

end of march

2007-03-31T22:33:00.000+08:00

March is just so not my month.

Its really been very tiring. Just so...so...so physically and emotionally drained...

I am on the verge of making important decisions...

I want April to come now!!!

I have so many things inside of me to say out...

But...

2007-03-24T13:28:00.000+08:00

It had been a while since I went snap snap with my N73...

I will always have my critics, either on my photography or my writings or even for my thoughts even, but hey this is what I whink. Except for the 1st picture which lacks colour mixture, I am quite proud of these few at the moment. So be it that its a little blur here n there, its pixilated in some portions but what can you expect from someone who tugs around his camera in his front pocket right ;)

& it was nice catching up with the OI fellows for dinner. Lets hope its not another year before we catch up again aites.

A fairy tale

2007-03-23T00:37:00.000+08:00

For it was...

I can not remember exactly who's birthday it was, but the rest of the small facts and data are definitive in my memory cells.

It was in the middle of the night.
It was in Chinatown.
It was in a smoky room.
It was a small room filled with destressing from a day's turmoil.
It was loud with music.

A melacholic tune started to fill the airwaves and as the video untold a story, it put me into grips and bouts of pure sadness as I laid my eyes on it for the first time. It was noisy and almost all werent really paying attention to it, except of course the one with the mic. Heh!

It was the first time my eyes were upon it...
It was the first time my ears were soothe by it...

...& I fell in love with it.

Behold what lay me upon a cloud transporting me to never never land and for which I have yet to return from ...I think(",) Feast upon my most loved mandarin song, the one that brought me down to my knees & moved me to tears without me even understanding it, for I didnt see it with english subtitles the first time.

For I think, I can be compared to Peter Pan...
& my love(s), crush(es) and story(-ies) have been but ...in never never land

& is it still... (??)

Ferrings

2007-03-22T16:44:00.000+08:00

Check this out. Very very interesting production.

My mind is at a blank as to to how to put down to words the feelings, emotions and situation encompassing me. So I will let the video swirl your minds and set you thinking...

...while I do some thinking...

beyond the clouds

2007-03-21T22:01:00.000+08:00

I look at you. You look back at me.
Yet it just stops short of more...

Things are slowly picking up...but I can still see the avalanche heading this way. It will be bright again soon. I just need to duck and keep my head snuggly beneath the snow. Let the passing melt away as I am having mixed feelings about leaving.

Yeah.
It always just stops short of more for me...

ro-ro0o-rolling

2007-03-20T12:39:00.000+08:00

My life is never short of a roller coaster ride. & that is why I have truly described my blog as a roller coaster ride of my emotions. For it seems come ups or downs, I have failed miserably time and time again to control my emotions, which have always disastrously pulled me out of the excellent zone.

The brim of my venting frustration hit the roof, with the teapot lid being flung far far away by the hot hot steam. I've just cant control it no more. Luckily for me though, logic still played a very big part in my brain as I did not throw the resignation letter upon my supervisor's desk. Guess I just have to start searching for something more reclusive then.

As much as I want to...

I havent had the proper time to update my blog as much as I want.

So if I go missing for a while again, Im sure you readers will understand and just wait in earnst till your eyes can feast on the great words from me (",)

need for a reminder

2007-03-19T14:11:00.000+08:00

Ive been reminding myself constantly...

Maybe I just got to remind myself in cyberspace as well...

When at your lowest point, just keep looking up

*looks up high to the blue forlan sky*

2007-03-18T22:23:00.000+08:00

If I understand to feel that first pinch and go with it, I think I will be pretty much safe

I typed a super duper long entry...
but somehow when I posted it, nothing was saved & I cant seem to rack my brains to come up with that same post again. Hah!

Birthday wishes to the Dunmanite from 4/9. Hahaha :P
To the Dunmanites who read this and go clueless, please bear with me. Its a joke amongst a certain group of us. Correct or not Siti Nur Farah. Or more affectionately known as Faj and/or Ratu gelek. My personal favourite would be Ti Ya. Hehehe. Happy "18+6" Birthday my dear friend. Hope all that you wish for comes true, be it Big or small. Hah!

When I can conjure up what I had typed earlier, I will post it. For now, thats all yar.

cakap salah, tak cakap pun salah

2007-03-17T19:22:00.000+08:00

This blog of mine has seen me evolved tremendously, I think.

I just cannot fit much of it into words no more. Be it in elaborate tapestry or simple bulding blocks of rocks.

I just have to learn alot of patience at this junction of my life. The part of life where we are supposed to move on into another phase of learning, and also into another phase of maturity. The patience that I am to learn will definitely come in handy a few chapters down the road of my life from now.

...but for now...

I just have to learn it...

& keep mum
and just nod my head in agreement or approval...
as anything that I say...

& those that I dont say as well...
can and will be used against me...

be it now...
or in the life hereafter...

brain rest time

2007-03-16T14:47:00.000+08:00

My brain is in a rickety ruckus of a turmoil, subdued by the overload of information of work and cross bounded by the sea of emotions that go along with it. The red sails of dollar bills doesnt lighten the burden as with the tremors and aftershocks that follow.

I cant think much already. Period.

Congrats to my little sister who has passed her 2b on her first attempt coupled with her good A level results that I am sure will see her in one of the local Uni. Congrats adek (",)

Okay nothing much thats trickling out of this brainy cup for now.
Period.

F#%$

2007-03-13T08:49:00.000+08:00

This is going to be a very very long & tiring Tuesday.
Bleargh!!!

Yesterday's shit suddenly seems a fading distant to YOU people uh ?? YOU so easily want to pass it off and manipulate the data just so it meets the dateline. Should not it only be the correct data ? YOU and your chin chye attitude.

That great dark cloud hovering work seems to be brought on to my personal life some how ?

Very early, on a Tuesday morning, on a road that I zoom past everyday, & how I pass by the white cars & bikes easily... I suddenly heard a bleep and a siren beside me. I was stopped not because I was speeding nor because I was zig zagging. It was all due to a 40% tinted visor. The female office looked familiar yet not a word from her, she must have recognised my bike or something. Bah! It made me late & stepping into the office is just another super whirl wind nauseating feeling now. Totaly disenchanted.

When all the data is suddenly wrong because of YOUR misinterpretation of the population, I suddenly take ownership uh ? When YOU are the person who's going to ultimately run the new warehouse management system, YOU want to anyhow put data in so that OTHERS are pleased ? & since YOU are of senior level, everyone will just look at how I did wrong, right ?

YOU are so in deep shit since I am on the verge of submitting my resignation!!

Another long long draggy Tuesday!!!

a story of...

2007-03-13T02:40:00.000+08:00

Here is something which I find a very fruitful thing to read ;)

KISAH CINTA DAN KAWAN

Satu hari CINTA dan KAWAN berjalan-jalan di kampung.
Tiba-tiba CINTA terjatuh kedalam telaga.
Kenapa..??
Kerana CINTA itu buta.
Lalu KAWAN pun ikut terjun dalam telaga.
Kenapa??
Kerana KAWAN akan buat apasaja demi CINTA!!
Di dalam telaga, CINTA hilang.
Kenapa?
Kerana CINTA itu halus, mudah hilang jika tidak dijaga, sukar dicari apatah lagi dalam telaga yang gelap.
Sedangkan KAWAN masih lagi tercari-cari di mana CINTA dan terus menunggu.
Kenapa??
Kerana KAWAN itu sejati dan akan kekal sebagai KAWAN yang setia ...kan?
Jadi, hargailah kawan kita selagi kita terasa dia bererti & bukan kerana simpati...

:)

grins

2007-03-12T00:21:00.000+08:00

Dalam kehidupan ini yang terindah
melalui usia remaja
senda gurau suka duka
sering berganti meninggalkan kesan abadai

berdebar debar hati nya
kali pertama bertentang mata
inilah pengalaman
harus ditempuhi setiap insan

kenakalan atau kesungguhan
sukar mencari perbezaan
betapa ko cuba melindungi
jelas di wajah rahsia hati
I have this tune in my head for how many days already. I have kept on watching Ali Setan for the upteenth time already. I dont know what is up with the movie that I keep watching it happily over & over again. I just feel the butterflies in my stomach everytime, together with my smurky smile none the less. Its just so magical the feeling catching Ali Setan.

Really am unable to describe the feeling no matter how many times the re-run is upon my eyes. The only sad feeling is its not the full version. There seems to be a few missing scenes. Oh well better then nothing right ;)

The past few days have been urm, lets just say un-explainable really.

I have many times just stared upon my blogger page & in the end I just watched Ali Setan all over and over again. Heh.

But tonight, its a little different...

(",) I got a reply tonight,
with a nice smiley face on the sms at that...heeeeeeeeeeeee...
I know for a certain I am going to sleep so soundly tonight.

Tomorrow will be a good day, InsyaAllah.

*hums tune*

Ali Setan

2007-03-08T04:42:00.000+08:00

Holy kwakamolly!!

How the hell did this whole 92min classic film got loaded into YouTube.

Enjoy you young children of today (",)

Happy Birthday Ms.Secretary :)

am torn between(s)

2007-03-06T11:29:00.000+08:00

Agitation always seems to set in the morning. Arghhh!

I aint feeling as super agitated as yesterday but there certainly is that tinge of irritation. There are plentiful of ideas running and floating in this wanderless mind of mine. Some are zany, some are wild, some are great & most are just stale ideas that are trying to rejuvenate me. There is just so many things in my mind.

The musically deaf me just needed some music to sooth this soul. And surprisingly the choice of music that the ear is asking for are mat jiwang2 songs! woHooo!! I am having a ball listening to them as I edit my 30,000 stacks of HUM line data. I aint supposed to be happy to edit them but I was actually noticed by colleague beside me, humming and 'karaoke-ing' to the songs. That's a first uh from me at work. Heh.

So so strange the reversal from the frustrating me of yesterday.

Anyway I got a new cloud of suggestion from sgt 5zal. Thailand ride up from 11th to 16th April. I am thinking, that is just a su-weet way to usher the quarter century of my life. But then again hmmm. Sgt [K] and Hotstuff arent going. They have set their sights on Clubman, something which I want too!!! Especially so after ordering my pictures, finally, from the track day sessions of 2006. This is such a crucial year for me and my baby, Rose no.2

...So dear Rose...which do you prefer ?
touring or track ?
my OH my
...She wants both
*grins*

Guess I got to burn the time away at the dream creator company now for that much needed cash, after which I am going to burn away my pocket. Heh.

On a lighter note from the past entry, I still dont get you my dear ms.secretary. Seriously I dont get what you are tagging.

& me being typical me, I tried to run away from this small kiddy crush problem. I somehow managed to find an eyecandy for myself in GSK. Haha. I wonder why I create another problem for myself when I have so many unresolved problems at hand.

The long hair, the nice round eyes, the fair skin, the executive wear...o0o0o. I stood beside her in the cafe during lunch and I think shes taller then me. Heh oh wells. I think shes new, less then a month. & no surprise thats shes not malay, since its almost impossible to find a non-married malay lady here in GSK. Well at least I think she will keep my eyes busy during lunch time.

*looks at the time*
Its almost lunchhh, time to get my eyes busy, erm I meant ...
Oh you know what I mean.
=)

I miss yu

2007-03-04T20:51:00.000+08:00

A small & common phrase. This sparked off a debacle of conversations with quite a number of people all wanting to know if they are the elusive person I am missing. Wahaha. This led to an astonishingly high amount of profound exchanges, some of which I would like to share...

Me: the way to a man's heart is through his tummy
BC: and the way through mine is through the chest
BC: cause my heart is at my chest you see
Me: literally speaking yes
Me: methaphorically...NOPE
Me: if its through the chest...all guys would have an easy task..
Me: but its probably locked up in some secret prison of the female anatomy
Me: way beyond the canniving reaches of the species called 'male'
BC: ;)
BC: woah
BC: thats deep
BC: come let's date
BC: haha
Me: ermmm...now that was easy
BC: ahahaha
Me: if only it was real easy like this all the time...
Me: then I can put all the hassle of wooing to the side
Me: & just have 1 liners that are deep all the time

----------

GA: oohh
GA: kiddy crush
GA: on who?
Me: my eyecandy
GA: does she know?
Me: my heart says...I dont tink so
Me: but my brains tell me that Im in denial...
Me: & based on what some of my frens say...probably...she knows
GA: tell her
GA: who knows
Me: tell her ...nehhh
Me: Im not ready for rejection
GA: ask her out la
GA: as a friend
GA: go with the flow as they say
Me: I have tried...
Me: I went with the flow....
GA: and?
Me: so maybe it is just that...
Me: its jus a kiddy crush...
Me: or maybe I lost the oppurtunity already
Me: its been a draggy crush since hari raya 2005
GA: try again
GA: try try try
Me: haha
Me: yahh like how I try to ask you out ??
Me: heh
GA: haha saya lain
Me: everything is the same
Me: its the same old playind field
Me: like how i always think...
Me: if it happens...it happens
Me: I can only try so much...
Me: even with yu
GA: if it doesnt too bad
Me: nope...
Me: its not a too bad...
Me: if it doesnt happen...its normal...it just wasnt meant to be
GA: oh its the same
GA: it still did not happen
Me: too bad is the cup half empty
Me: I'd prefer to see it half full
Me: even if its a few drops in it

---------

F: what with the kiddy crush?
F: hmmmm
Me: ntah la ehhh
Me: haha...inspired by yesterday...
Me: feeling like going for one last hurrah
F: hehehe..it was inspring
Me: get it ?
F: then you should
F: shouldnt live to regret
Me: one last hurrah
F: I heard surah semalam
F: hahahha
Me: surahhh
Me: what the!!!
F: tu ah.
F: hahaha
F: I swear Im deaf
F: hahaha
Me: no wonder
Me: haha...
F: anyway, I tink you should.
Me: hmmm....
F: you have my vote on that
Me: everyone seems to be telling me that
F: but the timing MUST be right
Me: hmm...yeah
Me: thats the thing..Ive never been good with, timing
F: its just like your feeling
F: and you cant be intimidating about it i guess
Me: come on instincts....KICK IN!!!
F:hahaha
F: heh
F: true
F: honestly, its hard to go with the flow when you dont know where you stand
Me: tu ar
F: what your chances are
F: but its just as hard to ask the person up front.
F: and it sucks when at the end of the day, it might be just u shiok sendiri
Me: but when i talked to it...to a friend before...who knows both me n my eyecandy
Me: he said...he did see something between us..
Me: & GEE!!! why didnt I see it...
F: you didnt see it cause you are in your own world..I think when people see it, it means more than u seeing it
F: hehee

--------

Me: we must learn from our mistakes...& not leave our friends in a lurch...just because of a POTENTIAL partner
Me: thats what I have learnt
PM: hrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
PM: ok good one........
PM: true true true........
PM: friends are always there for you...
PM: girls come and go..
Me: ;)
Me: it works for both sexes
PM: anytime can
PM: hahah
PM: ya i know
Me: glad yu understand
PM: hey i've always treasure friends
PM: only that i'm not treasured i guess
PM: hahah
Me: urmmmm.... hmmmm
Me: when yu point 1 finger out
Me: 4 points back to you
PM: 3 pointing back la...
PM: not 4
Me: 4 :)
PM: thumb point forward la
PM: hahah
Me: check properly...& you'll understand

Haha.
Now that was a laugh re-reading & getting this post up ;)

in-check

2007-03-03T15:25:00.000+08:00

Be careful now...

Got to keep it in check.

Dont let the kiddy crush turn into an infatuation...

last day of feb

2007-02-28T14:02:00.000+08:00

Approximately a week ago, I had an urge. A strong dying feeling to write a good meaningless entry that only, perhaps, intellects like me would understand. Somehow I abondoned that idea, for I remember being unable to understand the profound words that I write sometimes. Haha.

So I placed my rough fingers on the keyboard, waiting. Waiting and waiting some more. The fingers were all raring to go yet the brain just could not flow with beautiful words of poetry that I wanted to. I tried hard but to my dismay, my mind just couldn't bear any fruitful ideas. None at all. Not a single line.

& so I searched back all the poetry which I had penned before. I didnt write that many but there were a notable few. 1 of which I am very proud, was during my brain's messiest moments. I was damn topsy turvy during that period. Which made me contemplate. Do I write best only when the emotions are in full force, or rather logically dysfunctional. Heh.

I am being honest to myself.
I could only answer a silent yes.

An emotional wreck I am now
with tumbling thoughts of stacking rocks
Beseiged by pelts of heavy rain,
your stones of darkness a relief & restrain

So heavy & painful this tumbling thoughts,
the rain of stacking rocks I'm under
Protect me now beneath it all
Your wings it provide so shelter me under

As the stones of darkness presides & looms
I'm lost in search of seeking it all
For beneath the surface...where is the glow ?
The light that shines through, does anyone know

The tumbling thoughts of stacking rocks,
Its burying me deep beneath alot
So help me please oh shining light
Just pull me up into delight.

zamry17@singnet.com.sg
2nd June 2006

As the rains are pouring again these few days, I can only wonder what I truly was thinking when my mind flowed with the flowery language. For I can only remember the sequence of events leading up to the point when I wrote but now what I was exactly feeling.

Also, back when I penned this, I know I did not have that much readers (not that I have many now heh!) but I can safely say the numbers are more now as compared to back then. We shalln't count all the annonymous people who pop up once in a while. But to my loyal readers ;P please do give your take on the writing above ? especially those literature peeps yah. Give me your take and comment in the findings ;)

Thanx.

Now that was a mind reliver.

& hey!! Finally its the 28th! It is official.
Happy Birthday my dear mr.teacher (",)
Please be reminded that you are already a quarter of a century bro. Hehe. Live life to the fullest is what you think. True but be wary of the fine dissapearing line you are threading on my friend. Good luck in your teaching career aites ;)

Feelings

2007-02-25T23:08:00.000+08:00

Farewell mate. We are surely going to miss you.
It was a nice goodbye for our dear Zul sepet. The gang was there to see him off. The last time we would see him until he decides to come back with that degree. So maybe this paves the way for less reason to partying since he is no longer here. Heh. But boys will be boys & a reason will sometime just pop up. Heh.

Anyway I got to find some very disturbing news.

When I arrived at the airport, the peeps began to ask me how was track day, since they knew how much I had anticipated it. It was just hard trying to explain to them what my real feeling was. IT just told me to stay home. IT was a divine intervention from him that I finally recognised and understood. So the peeps just nodded in agreement.

When sgt hotstuff arrived & I started asking about the track conditions, I was going Woah!! The rest heard it too, and they suddenly really went like, "nasib ko tak pergi" For it was truly a divine intervention. One of the guys that was in the group that I was supposed to go up with crashed while taking the turns at pasir gudang. The bike I heard was in tatters & the guy dislocated his shoulder *ouch* I shivered with tingles to the hip, where I had a dislocation before. Ouch I went again.

There were plenty of bikes today too. The crash rate today was quite high as well. Alhamdulillah my friends were okay, save for one. Lucky he was not that bad. I really must learn to recognise this feeling that protects me, for it comes from him.

Never mind k Rose. March's track day then it shall be, or any other day that I feel its safe to go up again ;)

Oh and congrats and kudos to [K]. Wahhh terror ar srad600 eh. Podium finish for track day. Fe-Weeet!! 2nd say!! ehehe. So whats next ? podium for clubman series (",) *nudge*

i typed to soon ??

2007-02-25T18:00:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, after a good day of activites that were quite fruitful, I was typing a post which was supposed to be published yesterday. I was quite happy with the day, Saturday. It was eventful. To top it all off, I would be having supper & would be going Pasir gudang the next morning. Read what I had typed...

"The whole day turned out quite fine. Pretty fine indeed. Glad that it all went smooth. Now let us not be emotional about any setback, if there were any to begin with in the first place. Heh.

I just got to warn myself not to be emotional about anything negative that could and im sure would happen within the next week or 2. Just have to be mentally strong & just plough it through."

It was already sunday when I typed that last sentenced. & as soon as that sentence was over, Sweet child of mine was blaring from my mobile. A lovely sms leaving me hungrily at home. Heh. How ironic my life can truly be.

Anyway my dear friend who ditched me on the last minute, heh, fret not okay, I really am used to such situations.

It seemed to roll downhill all the way from there.

Sunday morning was Track day at pasir gudang. Ive been hyping up this event for so long. what a waste. I just had a weird feeling telling me to stay put on my bed when it was time to suit up. I just couldnt ignore that VERY deep gut instinct of mine. My sister walked into my room at noon very surprised that I was at home. She knew how much I wanted to take Rose to the track =(

Anyway I attended functions in the afternoon. To all those who knew Fatin Laila. She is a mum now. Fatin, the first from the opposite sex to know more things about me at that age of mine. She was a close friend, and now she is family ;)

And with fatin's sis in law getting married & another of my relative getting engaged, its no small wonder that the normal questions popped up. To the family, I dont go rude and answer the normal "DECEMBER" heh, I just go politely, "I'll wait for my sister first, the best is both my sisters get married before I go find one for myself."

Awwww...so responsible right ;)
Haha.

& can you believe it that as I typed this post, my bed actually fell apart. LITERALLY. The wooden planks supporting the mattress just went Ke-Plank, and the pieces dropped like jengga. This is just so not my day.
Whats with the 25th ???
*ponders*

Taking AIM

2007-02-24T12:00:00.000+08:00

I was in the new place...
It was HUGE I tell you. It was spacious. It was well renovated and I was imagining the many wonderful things that could be said of the place. & I thought the previous floor space was big & impressive. This was like just WOW. To top it all off, it is totally near to home ;)

& with the side of my eye, as I was chatting with one of erm folks, I saw an old mentor walking briskly in the driection towards me. With his smile that never fails to brighten up any one's day, he called out my name and gave me a firm handshake that shook jitters inside of me. Already singled out and mentioned in front of 200+ people, that small little gesture of a handshake was definitely appreciated.

"When you want something, make sure you go all way out for it"

A small simple reminder, that was all...

I thought back within a flash, of all and I really mean plentiful of things that I WANT in life at the moment. & I thought aint I asking for too much. Am I not being greedy for wanting it all. Will I not be sparsely streched from all the efforts of all my WANTS.

Like a bright shining beam, it came down upon my head within an instant. I should go for everything that I want. I should put in all the best effort in all that I want. We know that we wont achieve everything but we know better if we dont try we will never be within grasp of it at all. Its a humongous number game anyway. We just have to put in our best foot forward for all the things that we want and at the end of the day, the dividends will be put forth accordingly.

And so be it then...

For all the things that I want, watch out. I am gunning you down!!!

Little Children

2007-02-23T09:20:00.000+08:00

It started by mesmerising us to the eerie tick tocking of clocks, lots of them. Prompted even one of us to think that this was a horror move. Ha!

It had all the elements necessary to horrify our brains to work though, in this wonderful & surprisingly long movie. It was especially tedious for the "guys who wanted to watch it."

Cute comedic lines encompassing a playground smoothered what seemed like a rough edged 9mm begining. It was to take us on a rollercoaster ride that we thought we could predict. We were all more then wrong. Emotional grip set upon us our seats and held us back with love, suspense, drama, porn, sports, extreme sports and mini-action even. It even swung between 2 ends that somehow the person beside me could not hold back her tears. She could not hold back her jumping body too when she a huge shock in a scene capturing frightening second. Haha.

The wonderful potrayal of characters that brought to life seemingly real emotions that can be felt in everyaday scenarios must surely be the biggest winner. Hats off to Kate Winslet on her big ~~tits~~, ermmm I mean bigger ~~ass~~, ermmm hmm okay I meant her biggest display on screen, to me, as yet.

The only weird adaptation the movie had was how it was really made to seem like it was "desperate housewives with kids" haha. I took that right off my little sisters lips. It was possibly just sheer and a lousy conincidence that there was a weird speaking guy narrating the movie all the way, when I dont think there was an actual need to.

In all, what was etched in our beautiful minds after the movie, WAS NOT our LOUD GRUMBLING TUMMIES but must definitely be "tuesdays at 9", "weekdays at 4", "concern for children committee", "slutty kae" and the best yet un-spoken phrase of the movie, "penis at the swing" heheh (",)

I had a great time at the movies yesterday. Glad I forced my way to watching it, & to those who grew green with the jealousy bug, you shouldnt have. The movie was not intended for you to watch it =P. Oh Lady Hackwrench, I made sure you met Zul sepet before he leaves right ? And of course, my quote of the night - Welcome to the real world of friendster networking.

What is stuck in my mind now, disturbing me from my work, will still be "tuesdays at 9" heh but it will also be, in order of how I got 'em

'rabak tak ajak'
'mengurat at the library'
'sleeping during tuition'
'keep the change, kakak dah kerja sekarang'
'he complained "I wasnt invited".'

ahhhh, chronicles of a night out when you're working the next day. TGIF!!!
& I will make sure I remember at exactly 20:59hrs on tuesday, to sms mr.teacher "KERING!!"
*grins*

StarFarked

2007-02-21T01:27:00.000+08:00

In order of seating
Aisya Cina - Mr.Teacher - Abg Chindian - Zul Sepet - Fireman - Faj - Lin - Me
To the people that ended my long weekend with a bang! Thanks to all of you! Only these people could make me drink expensive coffee and yet still enjoy it. & what was it with ashes and me just now ?? Ouch people...literally and methaphorically

Wonder what happened in the end...what not with the slippers being tied up to the chair. For that short magical moment, time just stood still as I felt that we were zapped back into time like when all of us were still teenagers. Zaman2 kental la katakan. Heh.

I love you guys (& girls) hehe (",)

Hungry with an attitude

2007-02-19T23:59:00.000+08:00

Blogger is acting weirdly strange & shitty.

Its not allowing me to express myself fully by not showing all my published posts at immediately. Bleagh. I am not feeling too good. Hungry and there is a still a slight tinge of despair. I've been literally couped up in my room for the whole of monday and my last meal was at Sunday Vivo city BK around 11.

Geeee...!!!

I am still questioning myself what I asked Menteri, was it the mishap of May ? Did I lose it back then ? Was it ...was it ?

I really aint sure. Blogger's wierd attitude is passing on to me, & that aint good. Bah!!! I need to get myself something to munch!!

"I"

2007-02-19T21:59:00.000+08:00

I have to start to re-think my other priorities in life at this junction of my life. What is it that I realy want to achieve now, this year, the year after next and the for the next few years. What do I want to look back to when I reach the big 30...

I am going to turn 25 quite soon...

I have to take big steps with the big plans that I have set forth for myself.

I must not forget the oath of undertaking that I had promised to the Federation, as well as the responsibility that has come upon my shoulder which has been passed on by the old man.

I really need to relook what I am going tru' & what I really want.

I do not want to make a fool of myself aimlessly no more like how I just discovered.

Its about me now, no one else...or issit ??

the other 'D'

2007-02-19T05:44:00.000+08:00

Now now...

Please be reminded that you are to proceed with caution, extreme caution. Be careful and remember that you have just recently recovered from depression. You came to terms with it & overcame it, now dont allow yourself to be swallowed wholly by the other 'D'.

Just make sure you dont get sucked into the zone where you are in Despair.

For I have been shaken abit, and I was definitely in despair.

B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L

2007-02-18T13:46:00.000+08:00

You're beautiful...

There are many moments that we had shared together that I cannot forget. & it was you who pushed me to go for the things that I do not want to regret...

For I do not want to be to late...

phrasing perspectives

2007-02-18T03:33:00.000+08:00

They say...

"A decent bloke cant possibly be single.
(let alone a good looking & well mannered guy)
Its either he is married/attached Or he is gay..."

Yet they also say...

"All the good ones go for the bad guys..."

& I've had quite a number of peeps who have agreed with both quotations, though I have been unable to track down the source and actual phrasing of the above mentioned. How apparent can the irony be right ?

? So where do I fit in ?

off water

2007-02-17T23:57:00.000+08:00

I smelt something good today. It wasnt though any wonderful aroma coming from my kitchen. Nor was it from any other kitchen nearby. It wasnt even aroma. It was surprisingly the fresh scent of the ground that was anticipating rain. Yesh, that very very fresh and electrifying feeling just before the rain poured just now. I could sense it this afternoon. It was wonderfully delirious. The amazing scent returned slightly before maghrib as the clouds closed shop for the day (",)

Something so small that would normally pass us by caught my attention today.
Just a great scent to brighten up an otherwise dark and gloomy Saturday.

Anyway the full list of activites is spoiling me with choices. Priority though will always take precedent amongst the list.

Hmmm...

----------
I want to take this oppurtunity to wish my dear friend since 99, ms.salad queen or otherwise known as ruzmidah a very happy happy 25th birthday. My dear friend, for all the hardship and pains you have toiled, you have turned out a better person. I am sure of that.

I hope the 2 simple malay idioms I passed to you would come in handy aites ;)

"Buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih"
"Bila buang air, jangan dipandang"

Oh of course to Tien Hartika too, since you share the same birthday as salad queen. hehe. Doubt you read this though. Or does she ms.salad queen ??

Heh & I think I shared those 2 same idioms to LadyHackwrench too right ??
Hmmm...eh bila nak nak meet up at Simpang my Lady ;P

date with a semut

2007-02-14T14:34:00.000+08:00

The important thing was not the rejection (righttt).
The important stuff was that it was done with proper conviction.
The attempt was made.

I have no idea if she had read the previous post before the call.
No idea what so ever if she even reads regularly, although the question about the partying did throw me off balance for a while there. Heh.

I knew from the start it would be either one.
A yesh or a no.
Cant possibly have any other answers,
cause any other thing except a yes equates into a simple rejection
(simple ? yet again righttt).

Oh wells...
she did mention though about a soya bean drink together when she is free
*grins*

oH & I think I got it pretty clear ?!?
that 2 wheels on a platter was no longer the meal of choice.
4 wheels on a platter then.
Aites. Time to get a working on the dream.

Anyways for those who have still missed out on a funny2 clip on pride in being 'Malay,' I highly recommend this site. Click --> here <-- Just watch it and let your funny bone tickle your toes. Hehe (",)

oh...the mighty ant & the bruised ego.
I think I am going for a climb now :)

date-less

2007-02-14T08:56:00.000+08:00

Hey I am still up for grabs as of this timing...
still free for a date or anything.

now if only my eyecandy would read this within the next 6hours and act upon it. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeee ;)

Selembut Umbut Sekeras Kharsani

2007-02-13T02:34:00.000+08:00

There is so much banter in my squeezed packed brain in this very instance.

It floats from one extreme to another as I am thinking and recollecting key events that had passed in the last 2 to 3 days. Alot has gone by and it has made so much of an impact on me that I am lagging behind in updates from my brain, that very fast, another key event rocks my calendar. One after the other, it all just shakes past me as vividly possible.

Saturday evening put me off in such a disturbing manner that I was afraid of what I had committed myself into. I was not prepared for what was going to happen. Alas, it was just plain old me and my too much thinking, negative thinking at that. For when midday Sunday arrived and the colourful array of red and batik, together with the unison of voices and the paluan coupled with the shiny blades and super slick moves, it just reminded me of my once past glory federation that was picking itself up again.

And as I saw my old mentor, all frail and unable to look out for himself as compared to how he had roughed up my batch and the batches before me, it truly saddened me deep inside my heart to see his current situation. It was especially deep the cuts when I saw an old man's tears roll down at the thought of how the foundations he had laid could be brought down to rubbles. That certainly re-instilled all the possible motions and notions which I as a young 10 year old back then had envisaged. It brought back the spark and the fire in me especially when the old birds of the federation still recognised me and keep on asking when I am donning back the proud red and batik.

That obviously led to the old man giving me a prep talk. It actually made me think alot, what he said. I felt that I had let the federation down, my dad down as for the past 7 near 8 years, my progress has been much slow as how it should have been running and accelerating. & yet when it came to crunch time, I just couldnt control my eyes and hands in the night time... How am I supposed to emulate the prior success of the old man. I truly question myself that alot in the past few days.

Even when I was at work Monday morning, I stared at my screen whenever possible and my mind just wanders and drifts to how I should be better. It was a little weird too, I must say on Monday afternoon when it started to rain heavily in Tuas. It literally brought distraught to my brain waves and surprisingly I couldnt catch the vibes that were sent out to me.

It was a strange and funny feeling. Something I just cant put to words. I was suppose to meet someone in town but the heavy downpour just around Jurong made me super duper drenched that I just headed home. A funny feeling that is just beyond words.

A few minutes at home and a call came in. News of my dear cousin, whom has led 30 years of a clean life, departing to meet her Creator. That very funny feeling of 'I knew there was some connection.' Yet I could not explain it.

The old man yet again used that small little time to rally information to me. He is seemingly passing his un-finished worldly 'businesses' to me. Telling me and letting me understand things from his eyes and how to complete it.

Bizarre, eerie yet it was a little surreal and a yet another weird type of unexplain feeling. Especially so since between Father and son. He was talking of the what ifs, if he wasnt around and what I was supposed to do with all the information and knowledge he has been slowly passing down for the past 7 to 8 years.

Really is an overload of information.

"...Syari'at tu kuat kan..."
Oh and at what non-perfect timing when I have plentiful to catch with fingers that werent being prepared properly though trained.

This hasnt even included when I had a small chat with my dad's friend at the wedding on Sunday. Through that small little chat, I was asked to drop my resume for an IT outsourcing company. For when it comes, it comes by the truckloads. So wasnt I already given enough time to prepare...of course I was, yet I had always chose the procrastinated road of mine.

I need to do the greatest juggling act now. With blades that are rusty which need to be un-sheathed immediately. I can no longer act and go to much with the flow. I need to be silky soft like a jellyfish yet I also need to stand my ground like the hardest of alloy that wont break.

I need my time...

Does all of this even make sense ??

you were loved.

2007-02-12T20:01:00.000+08:00

In her own peaceful life where she has never hurt anyone. Her constant little movements that were akin to a child, just reminds us how young she truly was at heart. It also bears to serve as a gentle reminder as to how old we are and how much little time we have. & she has continued the journey into the next life, the Hereafter, which will prevail ever for eternity.

Al-fatihah.

To my dearest cousin, Rahema Binte Hussain.

For you have been loved.
& you have been blessed to live a clean life.

My condolonces go to Obek Neh & Cik Yam who have loved their baby daughter for the past 33years.

- Dari Allah telah kamu datang dan kepada Allah telah kamu kembali -

Got to watch my words

2007-02-12T09:26:00.000+08:00

I was at Simpang late last night when LadyHackwrench sms-ed me, enquiring in a peculiar way if I was working today. When I replied I did, she was shocked that I was still out lepaking at Simpang at that hour. Timecheck - close to 1am. I assured her that this was very normal for me even on a working night.

Au contradiction and the mightiest irony for on a bluey bluey & bright sunny Monday, I sliced opened my eyelids to find the sun mightily up and shining. & as fast as you could pronounced Goooos-Fraaaa-Baaaah, I was myself up up and away dashing out of the house rushing to work in an avid attempt to not be late. But how could I right. How could I stop the sands of time that was trickling down the hourglass. I only gained consciousness at the dot of time that I would normally leave my humble abode. Yet I was only singing - no make that rapping like Eminem with such a glib tongue at that hour that even Chris Tucker would be proud of. My My.

Zoooom zooming down the PIE and what a horrendous jam and pile up of vehicles today. Extra snakey long of a queue and the ERP, not to mention 2 Uncle Sam in White that I came across. Woah!

Alhamdulilah I arrived at work only 20mins late but I was greeted with such a mighty gusto of emails from Friday and an even similar amount of work that was waiting in the shared folder. Gee! I really am tired of travelling to Tuas already.

So much for staying up till 3 + in the morning yesterday night.

SetiaHati

2007-02-11T01:29:00.000+08:00

Thats it. I just practically said goodbye to my saturday nights from now on. I just so have an issue with commitment and now, its goodbye saturday nights for good. Or at least the first half of saturday nights.

Its a scary scary word, COMMITMENT.

Resigned to fate of just sitting in a boring meeting room.

& yet when asked upon and given a choice...

What other choice did I have by the way right. Nanyang, Ayer Rajah or Eunos. Those were the only choices I had. I so wanted to say no because of my fear for commitment, and also due to me loving my free saturday nights. But my heart deep deep inside told me to make a choice and the most logical one.

What made my balls go the way it went with commitment this time ??
...if not for the loyalty & the love...

Speaking of balls... Where were my balls man yesterday night. Where was the courage needed to muster up a simple conversation. Where in my body did my balls go into hiding suddenly ? Shit! The only time I remember getting into a simple conversation with a girl I do not know and having any meaningful output of it was way in 2002. That was the last time I was single by the way. How long ago was that. Shit!
Read - meaningful output equates contact number.

Arh put a sock in it lah.

And stop making appointments/meet ups with me for Saturdays no more.
I wont be free from 5 to 11 no more.
Like anyone does anyway ;P

advanced celebration

2007-02-10T16:36:00.000+08:00

& so it was a befitting occassion for a wonderfully pulled together night. Surely a long long LONG night in the memories of us all. & my my how this will be a hot topic for our next simpang session. Haha. Had fun with all you guys and a great setup organised by our dear mr.teacher.

so let me wish an advanced happy birthday to mr.teacher once more. you are turning 25 dude. A moulder of the future. Got to take care definitely. Hah. Other then him, its an advanced goodbye to our mata sepet, Zul cheenaeyes. Haha. Go down under mate and make sure you come back with that degree. Ha.

I still cant think straight as I write this blog. Damn great night of memories, funny incidents and wonderful etches of brotherhood. We even had a mini reunion for the dear old sec1F guys. Amazingly we managed 5 out of 7.

Since 1995

mr.teacher(at the back), (from left)mat QC, me, sgt.hotstuff & mr.SIA
Now if we can only get anak yusoff and ping pong ball into the line up as well. It would be a perfect catch for our 10th anniversary of graduation next year. Gee!!! its been that long. heh :)

Okay lets not forget the rest of yesterdays's crew ya.

All the guys (this is a lousy picture. Bah!! I want N95 ;P hehe)

"main room"

mr.volleyball & me khekhekhe

faj(r&b gelek queen) & me. Haha

sista nurse & me

lutfi from SP MM 99 & abg chindian.

our justin timberlake in the spotlight.
& he tagged along mir mubarak on his t-shirt. hehe.

mr.teacher & cousin, the house mistress. Wahaha ;)

badboy sardine

face of being QC-ed. Wahaha.

Dont be fooled by the hair!!! Hes a genius, our mr.NUS

Just this 1 picture to summarise all the wastedness. Hah! the 2 wasted guys of the night. Im sure they must be trying hard to recollect the data of the past night. kwang3.

whats your plan ?

2007-02-09T11:17:00.001+08:00

So...whats your plans for the 14th ??

I have been hearing the above question more & more now as the day approaches. And it has actually started to frustrate me a little, if not ALOT. Me being me definitely did not give a straight answer. The answer has been the same all along this year...

Q: So...whats your plans for the 14th ??
Me: The 14th ? I dont know. Still waiting for a girl to ask me out.
*lets out my normal hysterical laugh*

Surprisingly, I have been asked mostly from my colleagues. Just because I am the youngest male in the department, just because I am an eligble bachelor haha, just because they know I am un-attached, they had to ask me arh. Wait...do they know I am not attached ?? Anyway they were not taken aback so much from my answer. Hah. Maybe their immune to my type of jokes already ;P

Speaking of work...

Yesterday most of the office was in a frenzy due to a visit from our departments director's director, all the way from UK. Woah! Because she was around, the department camera appeared of course and there are pictures of my work place. (Just to re-cap that I am not allowed to bring in my handphone and/or camera or anything that can transfer sensitive data into my work place) So finally I have decent pictures of my workstation. Yipee ;) Ah have a look see of me acting busy.
Thats my immediate supervisor, Joe

Thats my co-supervisor, Mega

Check out the director being shown aroud whilst I was "busily" working.

By the way, I still aint sure what to do on 14th Feb. What day is it anyway, that day. Haha and Im waiting for ladies to ask me out for that day, still. Wahahahahahahaha ;P

mis-aligned thinking

2007-02-06T00:34:00.000+08:00

My attention has been brought into another realm, forward into another dimension, and frozen in frames of space. It all could come shattering down the glitter, and the specks of dreams, for the receeding fantasy thats fast drying up.

A constant that has been blowing into the brain is now fast filling up to the brim. Its finally spilling over the contents, for which means that one can take no more, no more! The end of the journey it seems, yet it is just the begining, the apex of the corner we have yet to graze.

I have spoken like a martian(s) as though I am in mars only to find myself lost on the lanes to venus.

I dont like how this is all adding up. The cards that is being stacked up, no the deck I do not like. Come forth the wind now, blow the house down. Let the sands of time blur the watery eyes.

For this is just a sneak...

the can's empty

2007-02-05T16:07:00.000+08:00

Nothing-ness & no mood for updates at the moment.
Period.

Sunday Sunshine

2007-02-04T11:18:00.000+08:00

Again...again & again!!!

Again mum, you have started to predict, calculate and prepare stuffs for me way beyond my control. I cant control all that you want mum. NO, I dont have a gf. No I am not going to get engaged anytime soon. No, I am not moving out of my room anytime soon. Please dont ask me to look for someone just for the sake of looking for someone.

It was probably a mistake to go into ur room early on just to find the papers, for those were the first words I heard from you today...

This definitely eclipses faizal's question at simpang yesterday, "Bila ko nak cari gf betul2?"

Just because the whole group of your are engaged or in long term relationships, doesnt mean I have to conform to it as well.

What a shitty feeling on a sunday morning.
& I suddenly remember that I am late for something now...

Final Destination of Feb 2006

2007-02-03T18:29:00.000+08:00

~~Mental Block~~

How do you want to bring a friendship into another level ?

...for I asked a certain somebody if she remembered our first movie date, sometime later in this month of last year...
...and what I got for an answer was, "...it was not a date la, pls =P"

Its giving me some sort of mental block since the 1st...
so how do I...

Mental Block ??

I am grinning

2007-02-01T01:11:00.000+08:00

Yesh, It is finally DONE!!
I have managed to get the bugs out and I am proud to say I edited all the codes by myself. Yahoo!!

That done and out of the way, I can now concentrate on more concrete stuff in my life. Haha.
Check out the new desires :)
I want them all ;)

Okay I am mentally drained now. Will just surf around a lil while more.
No more brain draining activity for me tonight.

*grins from ear to ear*

And what a good way to start February 07.

almost...

2007-01-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

Sick doesnt mean you dont have the ability to think. Hah!!

And no comments about the pain thing. Bah. Zee...Zee...hmmm...

Shall not be like every other blogger whom Im sure is going to comment about the football match. At least Im not going to comment now. Haha. Just that, GO LIONS GO!!! Yahoo...Singapore 2 - Thailand 1. Yeah!!!

Oh...and I am just about done ;) Finally cracked it this evening. Any minute now ;)
Wait for it...

racer wannabeees

2007-01-30T17:35:00.000+08:00

Wahai [K], here is your much wanted flamingo pic. (",)

This was a crazy bike night indeed. Haha. Think we all talked too much about joining the clubman race series that we had to magnify our egos with great pics like the aboves. If only it didnt cost much to take part in the clubman race series. If only we can find sponsors to finance our hobby. Heh. Oh wells...

By the way, that crazy bike night is the same night that I literally vomitted phlegm, and plenty of it as soon as I reached home. Think it was too much teh at simpang. *notes to one self, dont drink teh on a sore throat or when having bouts of coughs*

Sitting at home for the past 2 days has made me think abit...
Something is bothering me abit. Think when I can manifest enough brain resources, I shall put pen to paper. Ive got to ponder on it a little more. Hmmm...

sickly pointers

2007-01-29T23:26:00.000+08:00

Ive been meaning to update but Im sick to the core. There is a slight possibility I conjured up to much of my brain cells when I was sick, so now that its down to the core, I cant seem to use much or any for the matter of fact. Heres just somethings which I want to say but cant find the correct words to put up in proper posts.

Watch CICAKMAN!!!
Dont ride at night with out a jacket
Teh is not good for a sore throat
I can wheelie on my Rose now ;)
2 much sleep can be depressing haha
I want to take part in clubman race but im broke
I am broke
Medication can knock you our for hours on ends I tell you.
I am on 2 days MC
Happy 61st birthday Abah, sorry no cucu yet

skin deep

2007-01-26T21:09:00.000+08:00

Anyone caught the reality show 'Beauty & the Geek ??'

Things always happen for a reason. Strangely they will always fit nicely like pieces of a jigsaw when you can finally see the BIG picture after it all.

After yesterdays minimal conversations which I tried to conjure up, todays rest day proved a much needed eye opener and reflector of who I was and how 'great' I really was in my own small realm and own REAL small world of friendster.

I'm sure majority of netizens have heard of friendster and most would probably have an account. It is the replacement of the ever popular e-circles of eons ago. After which , now there are many such clones of sites. K, I shall not dabble further on that topic. Im veering way of course. Back to friendster. With so much free time in the afternoon and after the upteenth time of not getting my html coding correct, I just browsed through friendster, which by the way is an everyday ritual or whenever I go online. Normally I would just browse my friends profiles and 2nd degree profiles. If I was really bored I'd reach the 3rd degree. Not today though, as I was that bored that I re-read all my own testimonials given by my friends.

Latest testimonials I have are normally such picture messages with flash enabled media. Or just some sort of funny and non-testimonial type of testimonial. Get it ;)

As I went further and further into time via friendster and read on the types of personality and character people have percieve me as, coupled with a few history passages between friends, I kept thinking... why am I in such a state that I was a few months ago ? Why am I still not back at the pole position of a race with myself now ? Grin after grin and finally I reached the end. Theres a few which I liked for their honesty and all. haha ;P But of all the testimonials I recieved, 1 stood out like a sore thumb. Its from non other but by a fellow blogger who writes in wonderfully great summaries.

With the highest disctinction and honour, I proclaim the below mentioned an apt summary of me at my peak ;)

"...ghahahahaha anyway,.when i think of kadir, i think of the loud curly haired motocycle loving dude from SP but now in NS.. one ting for sure kadir inspired me to be confident..and loud..ahahaha..remeber the time we first chatted? ..."

Thank you hafriz for your honesty ;p whichhh, brings me to the very first line of this post...

..."Beauty & the Geek 2"...
My my that is such a wonderfully outrageuos idea. Such ingenuity and the producers pull it off so well. The deeper lines that cut through and the invisible messages that were put across is fabulous. Crazy even. Crazily in good as good can ever mean. And its in the second season already and the 2nd last episode at that.

Cant believe I didnt catch such a show.

As I watched the 'geeks' and the 'beauties' being put through the rounds of mental tests of learning and so-called character building, I just couldnt help it but feel for some of the similar situations which I had truly encountered as well.

The particular epsiode that I caught brought such calamity to the 'beauties' when they were placed in a role-reversal of the 'geeks.' For being placed in a bar but dressed not to the nines but in shadily and non-appealing outfits, even to my low standards fugly(I
m refering to the clothes). No make up, no real accessories but just their character(if any) to show for. The test was just to see how many drinks they could entice guys to buy them. Sounded so simple yet...

The rejection that I have faced through the years really was put onto spotlight in a center stage sort of way, right beside the television in my living room. Its the same as to how some of the beauties were coming to terms with their shallow character and absolute zero for confidence. Heh...I couldnt help but just snigger as I saw in fast forward, within that short show, how my own confidence and character grew throught the years ;)

Just brimming from the insides I tell you. It was a small and gentle reminder to me of how great a person I truly can be, when I CHOOSE to be. Oh how fate spins everything and how greatness is shown to me in 1 wonderful friday.

Personality, character and confidence are things found in us which aint just skin deep.
For I aint just skin deep :)

Yet why do people always choose to remain at such levels only. 1 can only wonder.