Monday, April 17, 2006
...on a bed of nails i wait...
Happy 24th birthday ME! Happy waiting by the bed, happy rotting by myself today! In case some can't guess, the above is my room where i've spent the whole morning & afternoon of my birthday. Oh the traces of what i've uncovered...
I've been going tru' alot, reminicing on my past,
on the last 3 years especially =(
most of which was spent with her...dare even I say all?
Scurrying around, I found bits & pieces all over my room where I see her, I feel her but its just not the same cause I am so in pain when thinking of her that I forget she could be hurting too?? like me ?? well its not that i forget but it seems she hides it so well? or has she really moved on ?
The menteri wished me well,
"Jangan tunggu..tak guna..makin tunggu makin ko mengharap.4get abt it.mebbe dia da betul2 berubah.its not worth it "but I find it so hard & can't just move on like that ...can I ??
- HELL NO -
When I look into the past and see her, I just feel that when sometimes you love someone so much it hurts alot, just to even look, especially knowing that person is not yours. Sometimes the pain can be so great, you'd rather not want to see the one u love :(
Which brings me to another person's point,
Ha! Me being ever the pessimist nowadays & always complaining to people on msn,that my secondary secretary told me,
"...it juz shows how much she cared. Think abt it." were the parting words she told me,in relation to a certain birthday wish that I was hoping for.
At that point in came another flashback knocking in my head, cant remember who dou' but it caused a tear to develop, like an overflowing dam just ready to burst,
"no matter how many ppl wish u, or how u celebrate. If that special sumone wasn't there...you feel sad...like sumting's missing"
*holding back the pain & grief*
Yah maybe thats why, I've mellowed down on celebration this year.
Maybe thats why
- after cancelling a certain trip *gosh - what a waste*
- & instead of a going on another trip that was proposed
I told myslf so early on in my depression mood that i was going to stay in my room fr my birthdae. I was prepared...
So here I've been the whole morning & afternoon in my room
:( languishing in the depths of depression, celebrating a very SAD BIRTHDAY. So don't go wishing me the normal way if you've read this post. Just tell me..
Heya buddy, birthday uh. Sad.
And i'll be content.
when darkness turns to light @ 3:23 pm
