Tuesday, April 25, 2006
to Jump or not to Jump ??
I've lost abit of the original spirit to blog. Heck even felt like closing this place down, for a while. I've been too damn down maybe. Been trying to hard to get out of rockbottom central, that its tiring me out. Too damn tired.I overheard this on the radio today (yesh, I listen to the radio nowadays) and felt so damn lucky! Its been 20years since the Chernobyl disaster. I feel real lucky that our country's risk of such disasters, be it to nature or humans are at the bare minimum. The peaceful humanity & tranquility that we experience also, just to what do we owe our dear country ? Ah, with the oncoming elections, go figure for yourself.
I guess I was to soaked up in my depression that I've forgotten the lil wonderful things in life thats up for offer. I must remain an optimist. I must not be sucked into the douldrums of depression. I must move on...
Yet I'm still having sleepless days, which last 3 - 4 days after which I'll be sleeping myself silly for a whole day, or 2. I dont know whats worse, thinking about her when I'm awake or dreaming & missing her when I'm asleep (yesh, i dream more nowadays).
When I'm not rotting at home, I'm crazily spending =(. I'm back to my bad habits. Last week alone, I spent nearly $700. If not for my mum, I'll be kissing away my 25K goodbye. Thanx ma. Oh she still hasn't known. Still she's asking about her. I can't bear to see the look on her face, to break the news. The fact is I've still not fully accepted it. If I'm not strong enough to accept it, how am i suppose to tell the oldies, with calmness. They had already started to accept
YOU, you know!
Its strange how all the vices are piling up on me now. Weird that ciggies, the devils' piss, gambling & even sex has been laid out all infront of me, for the taking. If I was any weaker, I would have drown in all those sins but I keep thinking about her. I can't bear the thoughts on how she'll react. I really don't even know why I'm thinking like this. Why again am I bothering with what she would think. Its so, so sad now my life.
1 of my dear frens told me to keep on fighting the war, strangely. Lets call her, ermm, mrs.primary senior. Shes happily married to Brother FireFighter & they're expecting their first child in June/July, I think. Back to what she said btw, she reminded me not to lose the battle, again. Not to let my past history repeat itself. Cause if I don't fight for this, my brainwaves may well be playing a replay of videos - just that the video won't be starring my 1st ex on the dias =(
ARGH!!!
This is so damn confusing me. Do I let go ? Do I be a gentleman , keep to my word & not create havoc ? OR do I go with my instincts that tell me to fight for what i believe. Ironically, I learnt that from her. This is killing me. Excuse me while I jump out of my 2nd floor apartment. HA! Why not I wait till I move house in June. Then the height would be PERFECT. 1st floor apartment. That will definietly kill me. *Jumps*
