Thursday, May 18, 2006
The big E
Emotions. Your emotions. They tend to play games with you. When you thought you got control over it, they'd just pop up a surprise. Catching you off guard, your emotions gets the better of you.Theres a small slump in my 'so called' getting my life back on track. My roller coaster almost derailed on the last 2 mishaps. Its at the very edges of a very fine track. Any minute now, with just a small blow of the wind it can be derailed.
So fragile is my emotions now. I got to remain strong.
I finally saw you online again. A bitter sweet surprise. Funny how you were missing when I was up & you popped up again when the mishaps pile up. I really wasn't expecting to see you online, & there bloodshot fireclouds loomed again.
Its a strange & lonely path I'm taking. The glimmering shine that my guardian angel provides is becoming blurrer by the minute. The light that was once so bright is now getting wierdly inconsistent. Maybe it has to come this way. I don't know.
In times of crisis, my family is always there. I had dinner with my parents yesterday. Gosh I can't remember the last time I gave them the privelage of myself sitting with them by the dinner table. It was just 3. My financial plans were discussed & so were my plans for
my future life. The question finally came regarding you, & I held as strong as possible not to brake down in front of food. My parents know everything & its summed up nicely,
InsyaAllah, Kalau Jodoh Tak Ke Mana
So where do I go from here ?
This past week, something has been swirling in my mind. I've told a few people about it. The only one that could relate to it was bro RI. When I met him at Leen BA's wedding, I just casually chatted about whats going on in my brain. Heh he felt the numbers were the same too, just that it wasnt the same case like mine.
I've been having this number, 27, playing in my mind. Something weird tells me that I'll be single till I'm 27. The only blur part is whats the status of singlehood ? Is it;-
1. I will be single + available till I'm 27 ? meaning 3 more lonely years...
2. I will be ending by bachelorhood & I'll be married by 27.
Thats the only thing I am unsure but 27 is definietly swirling in my mind. 27 it shall be then but is it thought no.1 or no.2 ? It was reaffirmed further after my discussion with the parents. My mum told me my 25K had grown into 30K. She told me not to worry about that sum & zakat. She will safekeep it & ensure all dues are paid forward when the time comes. All I needed to concentrate on was my career & to whose house the trays of gifts will be sent to. Great right ?
It still made me unsure. Why 27 ??
Option 2 seems much better. 1 big reason is when I look at my parents & this house thats constantly empty during the weekend. My dad is already 60, retired with depleting funds and yet his oldest child, me, just started his career & the youngest is taking her A's. He should be happily having grandchildren by now like all his other friends yet...
*Looks at 23 yr old sister's room. Nak aje pekik suruh dia berumahtangga cepat2*
So as strange as it sounds, If I were to follow in his footsteps & start a family at 35, I'd be exactly in his situation now. I don't think I want that.
So dear emotions, please hold on for another...urm say 3 years ? can ?
Then I promise, by then, at least some things would have been resolved.
when darkness turns to light @ 3:55 pm
