Sunday, May 14, 2006
the box
"...I'm falling faster & deeper..."My thoughts on blogging now has almost come to a cease, a form of stand still you might say. I really think that my desired has really died. It died when this blog was set-up.
I'm having emotional rides now. None more painful than the thoughts of
what if's. Me continuosly living in the depths of the past & yesteryear.
I've been trying to do something which has been so damn difficult. The more I try to do it, the harder it gets & the further I sidetrack from it. I know that the more I delay, the more trouble I'll get in when the day finally comes.
I've been trying to gather all her stuff, thats lying all over my room, to pack neatly somewhere so I can
TRY to make it all into a memory. Alas its always, & I mean always easier said then done.
In trying to do so, I have unearthed small surprises here & there, as well as sad stories too. One of the worst emotional brakedown was today. I found a box, long hidden from me.
You see, I was going through this same thing more then 3 years ago in 2002. Everything though was accelerated simply because I was served up with enlistment & I had only 2 weeks notice. Everything was all over the place. My mum had told me to pack everything
'precious' of mine neatly as she had planned to renovate my room during my absence. In the short 2 weeks, which was also during the Hari Raya period, alot was done. Part of it was clearing up my
'excess' baggage. So there I placed them all neatly in a box until...
When I first booked out, my room had been completely overhauled. I use overhaul cause its a total revamp. Most of my stuff I didn't know where it was placed. I was an alien in my own room. Many things remain missing and a mystery. Many other things pop up slowly till today...
So today a box appeared & the sense of familiarity was all to painful. This box now laid the remains of what was. It cannot be undone for she is now happily married. I am happy for her. The only sad things were when I re-read all that was available & I started to reminiscent together with the images. Such a sad end to what was...
So now today in 2006, I'm facing a very similar situation. I am forced to pack everything. I know if I dont do it now, later will be worst. I'll be moving house by latest mid June. Everything seems deja-vu. Everything is in replay mode. Now I really don't know what will happen. I am breaking down again, again & again.
"...I am falling faster & deeper..."My guardian angel told me to start a new chapter in my book of life. The easy part was to start a new chapter. The hard part, to throw away everything thats a memory. Can I...? I am questioning myself on this. I really do not know if I can.
Oh please show me a sign...
Even a lil sign will do...just show me a sign.
