Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Life less ordinary
Its the last day of May. I looked back upon May, reading my past entries, reflecting. There are a few that made me smile, a few that made me smurk. Mostly thought if not all had tinges that made me reminiscent. Someone once told me to reminiscent is good. It makes us think where we can improve in the future. I'm starting to doubt this.
Almost all have hints or drops of jupiter in them. And reading them back and over again, I'm questioning myself why I have been in such a state. Then only I realise, I still am in that state.
Life has been no less than ordinary for me. This months has been no exception none the less. I don't have to think hard. May has completely taken me out and over. From the very 1st day up until now. It has been all but of memories, sweet & sour. Bitter medicine some may say. And yet there are also the flashes, the angst, the sufferings, the deceit and the familiar terrains.
Everything has taken and bowled me over till the tenth pin drops.
In questioning the pains, I have had the pleasure to also recieve a little bit of heaven here on earth. Not plentiful. Just enough in bits & pieces to ensure my sanity doesn't run off. Enough just to confirm rejection from an asylum. Heh, I really did had that though in my mind once.
In all the goodness and the bad, 1 thing sticks out like a sore thumb. Only 1 keeps prickling like a thorn on a stalk of rose. Everything points to myself and my inabilites to adapt fast enough in this emotional game they call
LOVE.
It has all boiled down to me. Just 1 thing, me. Yesh you're correct. No point rubbing your eyes trying to re-read again. Don't bother to refresh this page thinking theres a glitch online. It is me. Everything now is about me and my flaws.
I'm at the edges of losing myself again. Im still reeling in the pain of a lost love. Still in doubts, still being paranoid and still acting in a big play called denial. Still-ness. In all honesty then why have I found myself in another web thats growing, entangling myself, subjecting myself to the game. Why ?
Plain simple cofusion. Its not about other people no more. Its just down to me. Think I need my drill sergeant to shout the living daylights out of me to wake up. Like how Staff Hassan use to do it in the old Delta days,
"Delta Company...Fall in...PCG Squads 53!!...54!!...Fall in..."& then as the company pet & a daily routine...
"RIDAK...sini ko...kasi aku 20 push up"Yeah maybe thats all I need. A
*^&*,
!#$@, )@!^ wake up call!!!
*wakes up in cold sweat after terrible nightmare about Hassan. Hah*
Later in the morning, its the last day of May. Let it end on a good note., please.
