Wednesday, June 28, 2006
learning
Lessons are always learnt when all is lost, isnt it ??She is still very much a big part of me. Undeniably, as much as i keep moving forward, as much as I want to move on, as much as scrape through many horrendous obstacles and going through as much emotional shit, I am keep getting sucked back into my past.
I don't know if the worst is behind me. I have been trying damn hard, up to my limits, to not think about what ifs any more. But sometimes the bad habits prevail. We just cant prevent it, really. Its especially so when you're all alone and stuff. Stoning is shit i tell you, it really can kill you from the insides. Not good, not good at all.
Maybe a lil good did come from some of the reminiscing. My thoughts flew too all the time when she keeps pestering me to meet. I use the word pester, cause thats what I thought last time. I was too carefree. Maybe too much of a carefree person who was in a relationship. & I couldnt be beared by the thoughts of being bogged down by nothing else but going out with the other half. Its like we already do meet at least once a week, I think, so what more right. Yah these were the things going through my mind. Thinking and more thinking that I shouldn't be making the same old mistakes if ever love comes my way again. =/
I gotta learn to make sure that I know my priorities when I am in a relationship. Yesh, family will always come first. Then it should be 70/30 partner to friends. More time definietly should be spent of partner. True, cause we need to please our other halves to please ourselves sometimes. Careful threading though needs to be done cause you really dont want to be missing your friends in all of this, really. Don't ever let your friends utter, ' Da bilis members nampak.' Cause it hurts alot, and when you finally become single and alone at the end of it all, you'd be scrambling to find the friends. People whom you thought you could rely on. Little would you realise and only too late, that you were the one couldn't be relied on.
So its a very fine marriage of combining the times spent between friends and the other halves. I really shouldnt make the same mistake as I drifted between the 2 extremes. From spending like all my time with her, to suddenly being once a week meeting enough. For some women, once a week is enough actually. But for most I would reckon, that after spening all your time with her, withdrawing that pleasure she had comes hard, and she would only want to naturally spend more time with you. You would then only view it as being overly possesive. Stupid man!! Really dumb in making mistakes. -shrugs-
Guess this is the only solitude, I guess. To realise the mistakes and learn from it. The best outcome is of course to correct the mistakes with her...
But guess that is a big wish at the moment...
Ah the good and the bad from reminiscing.
when darkness turns to light @ 6:01 pm
