Thursday, August 24, 2006
Definietly no backtracking
The sunset that I fell asleep to was absolutely astounding. It was definietly helped by the quiet whistling of the winds that bouyed my heavy eyes shut close.
Oh how my damn fragile ego is asking to be stroked so patiently.
I have 1 week, just 1 week before 1 chapter in my life closes. And I have yet still to find the pages to the next chapter. I am starting feel lost and desperate. And I really mean lost and desperate.
Its close similarity in situations, this chapter of life, to my previous chapter is undoubtedly and highly questionable. Its just making me fall down for a while before I am to rise higher than I ever achieved.
---------------------------------------------------I am asking myself this question lately...am I ready for the next step ? And I answer to myself many2 times. I am definietly not ready. I dont want to rush into another relationship. I am sad, true, but I am living life the single and happy way. I am jussssssssssst about ready enough to take what life has in store for me, but just not concerning relationships.
Why ? Because I am feeling locked down. The disparities and similarites in feelings are something which I know very well. I am not really liking having some girl calling me 3 - 4 times a day. I am not liking that she ask what I am doing every 5 minutes of an hour. I am not liking that she requests to meet every other day. Nope...I am not liking it simply because I am not ready for that next step.
I am still coping to grips with my singlehood so dont lock me down in chains and cuffs, and no! Pouting or showing unpleasent emotions doesnt move me. I may find that you are cute. I may have made the first move to smile at you, but I am sorry. I dont wish to hurt or toy with your feelings, for I am not ready to take what you have taken to the next level. Holding my hand when we cross the road doesnt mean much either, I am sorry.
I'd rather hurt you here now than have to go through another long cycle in which ultimately both of us could get hurt. You ask of the what ifs, and I will just say thay are what ifs. I am not ready and I am being assertive as well as kind here. I still do reply your msgs, still do pick up your calls. Please understand though, that I am pretty comfortable where we are. Again no, I dont wish to go to the next level.
It always boils down to just a memory that I have of
...herNow just lemme runaway to my flying castles of thoughts and enjoy the sup tulang and ECP sunset once again. Thank you very much.
PS; I remember what my dad had taught me early on when I was growing up as a teenager...Never toy with girls' feelings. "Jangan mempermainkan dan menzalimi wanita." Thank you Abah. Though I remember it late, it still has come in handy.
when darkness turns to light @ 2:37 am
