Thursday, November 02, 2006
2 extremes
How the winds of tide have changed. & with a soft whispering blow, the overlapping changes that have taken place have been overshadowed by the superficial surface that is being reflected on the eyes of many a beholder.Its really such a stark and drastic change that surprisingly too few people have noticed. They were even kind enough to offer encouragements, happy at the so called leaps of improvements that I have seemed to make.
It is all being overplayed to much. No one really notices the whirlwind change.
From being skinny, all rag and bones in the last 4 months...I have suddenly been labeled plum, chubby and big by certain corners of my life. No doubt, I dont really care so much what they say. They too were about the same group of people that commented on my lack of weight. But think about it, in 4 months from 1 extreme to another extreme. Is it really a sign of being okay and moving on ? Is it really showing how I have been able to cope with the surgical cuts to my emotions...?
A firm and
positive NO is the most likely answer here.
As I sat amongst the people that know me for a long time yesterday, I hear in a certain degree of atonishment how I am constantly teased about having moved on, and having found so many Mak J's in the process. GND, CPG is also included and how my Rose has been helping me attract the throngs of other bees (?) to this sweet and nubile flower (?) Lets not ..not mention how dey keep asking me to bring and intro the girl whos on my handphone wallpaper. Who else if not ms.hourglass....A simple swing of the pendant which brought me drastically to the other side yet without fear or emotion being replaced the slightest bit. I was still, or am still in almost the same situation that I was in a few months back. Its just maybe to the eyes of many, that I seem to have moved on. Its of course due to my normally enthusiatically overhyped up character thats trying to pale down all the misfits that had occured in the months preceeding this. So by having the character that I really am, people simply presume how well I have moved on since the small lil tummy was a valley. No surprise that...that tummy is now a small mountain amidst this small frame of a body.
=/I find myself in the same stuck situation, asking the same age old question. Can I really do it. Is it so hard ? I just cant seem to understand why it is so...
With
her suddenly appearing on my whos viewed list, it rekindles the shaken images that ive been trying so hard with much disparity to erase. & I just couldnt help myself but to check on her, even though I hit a hard rock wall as I know I wont be able to view anything. She still seems though to update her portal, the only link that I have to know of her directly at the moments. For all other avenues are indirect routes.
Its been a lil hard this festive season, as I dont feel the couply effect this year. I dont have my set that matches with anyone. I dont have any set that could and would be matched with anyone in these coming weeks.
As I hear the waves of music going through the air, the sweet serenade of festive comfort that would soon dissapear, I sob alone in the 1 favourite raya song. The kurungan biru...
When would I be able to reverse those words, for it keeps dancing on my tongue and lips those piercing words that kills the festive season with the torrentous pours from the lashes. The next time I would hear the azan raya, I dont even know if she would already be back in singapore, so that I can at least totally finish it off. On wheather I still would be able to slice myself through or bow down in the grace of defeat of a better guy...
I just wouldnt know at this point of time.
I just want to spend my time away aimlessly, filling it with endless hours on ends wasting precious money as well, that could have been used on
her. For it used to be that way...
So will the 2 extremes now converge to the center...
A question which I am not certain how the outcome would go...or if I really want the outcome, what ever it would be, to even happen.
Of 2 extremes...
1 lonely man stands alone in his conquest for survival in the emotional world.
Wonder if he would survive unscathed and stronger from it.
1 can only wonder how 2 will become 1...
when darkness turns to light @ 3:47 pm
