Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Selembut Umbut Sekeras Kharsani
There is so much banter in my squeezed packed brain in this very instance.
It floats from one extreme to another as I am thinking and recollecting key events that had passed in the last 2 to 3 days. Alot has gone by and it has made so much of an impact on me that I am lagging behind in updates from my brain, that very fast, another key event rocks my calendar. One after the other, it all just shakes past me as vividly possible.
Saturday evening put me off in such a disturbing manner that I was afraid of what I had committed myself into. I was not prepared for what was going to happen. Alas, it was just plain old me and my too much thinking, negative thinking at that. For when midday Sunday arrived and the colourful array of red and batik, together with the unison of voices and the paluan coupled with the shiny blades and super slick moves, it just reminded me of my once past glory federation that was picking itself up again.
And as I saw my old mentor, all frail and unable to look out for himself as compared to how he had roughed up my batch and the batches before me, it truly saddened me deep inside my heart to see his current situation. It was especially deep the cuts when I saw an old man's tears roll down at the thought of how the foundations he had laid could be brought down to rubbles. That certainly re-instilled all the possible motions and notions which I as a young 10 year old back then had envisaged. It brought back the spark and the fire in me especially when the old birds of the federation still recognised me and keep on asking when I am donning back the proud red and batik.
That obviously led to the old man giving me a prep talk. It actually made me think alot, what he said. I felt that I had let the federation down, my dad down as for the past 7 near 8 years, my progress has been much slow as how it should have been running and accelerating. & yet when it came to crunch time, I just couldnt control my eyes and hands in the night time... How am I supposed to emulate the prior success of the old man. I truly question myself that alot in the past few days.
Even when I was at work Monday morning, I stared at my screen whenever possible and my mind just wanders and drifts to how I should be better. It was a little weird too, I must say on Monday afternoon when it started to rain heavily in Tuas. It literally brought distraught to my brain waves and surprisingly I couldnt catch the vibes that were sent out to me.
It was a strange and funny feeling. Something I just cant put to words. I was suppose to meet someone in town but the heavy downpour just around Jurong made me super duper drenched that I just headed home. A funny feeling that is just beyond words.
A few minutes at home and a call came in. News of my dear cousin, whom has led 30 years of a clean life, departing to meet her Creator. That very funny feeling of 'I knew there was some connection.' Yet I could not explain it.
The old man yet again used that small little time to rally information to me. He is seemingly passing his un-finished worldly 'businesses' to me. Telling me and letting me understand things from his eyes and how to complete it.
Bizarre, eerie yet it was a little surreal and a yet another weird type of unexplain feeling. Especially so since between Father and son. He was talking of the what ifs, if he wasnt around and what I was supposed to do with all the information and knowledge he has been slowly passing down for the past 7 to 8 years.
Really is an overload of information.
"...Syari'at tu kuat kan..."Oh and at what non-perfect timing when I have plentiful to catch with fingers that werent being prepared properly though trained.
This hasnt even included when I had a small chat with my dad's friend at the wedding on Sunday. Through that small little chat, I was asked to drop my resume for an IT outsourcing company. For when it comes, it comes by the truckloads. So wasnt I already given enough time to prepare...of course I was, yet I had always chose the procrastinated road of mine.
I need to do the greatest juggling act now. With blades that are rusty which need to be un-sheathed immediately. I can no longer act and go to much with the flow. I need to be silky soft like a jellyfish yet I also need to stand my ground like the hardest of alloy that wont break.
I need my time...
Does all of this even make sense ??
when darkness turns to light @ 2:34 am
