profile.
Ridak & his RollerCoaster
This is his emotional ride.



Reliving
Intresting
Denials
About
K



talk.


Seeking their lights...
Adibah - Lady
Baeyah - jezbiggie
Baitina - tinatino0ot
Baizura - Aiz
Firdaus Jamaludin - lanang
Cha Cha
Haddad
Hafriz
Hurul'Ain - ms.secretary
Haslinah - LadyHackwrench
Liyana Ramli - lynn
Linda Eain - Lynn
Liyana J - LJ
Masnoraffis - lil'un / bond
Nadiah Yusof
Noraini - norot
Nurazima
Nurul Huda - Nunu
Rasyida
Roziemah - Ogy / r0zy
Shasha
Siti Raudhah - Anggunz
Suriana - Yana
Wardah - ms.salad queen / ruzmidah
archives.
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
February 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
January 2009
January 2010
March 2010

layout.
x
resources: x

I was about to blog with a very long entry in mind, when work related issues called me away from the desk. Bleargh. Now my mind is a blank with all the food in the tummy as well. Shit gota burn off the fats later today...

I am just a short rolly polly now. A small dimutive figure with a large belly thats bulging out. Of course lets not forget the uncontrollable wavy hair thats always a mess especially after riding. Heh.

Nehhh...but I am quite satisfied with my life now. Contented is the wrong word for I still am chasing alot more now but I know what I have is good.

It is a good feeling. Haven't felt like this since...

It is a good feeling (",)


I cant explain fully within a few short paragraphs, and the limited time I have now, on why I've been neglecting my blog. I want to update so so much...

I guess the time will come, as always.

KL was superb!

Lets just say, the events since my last post has been good to me. Alhamdulillah. Now lets just continue enjoying this upward spiral that I am having ;)

Oh well...

Anyway I've got to say this, this morning I was suddenly smiling to myself, grinning in fact, when out of the blue I was reminiscing about the first few times I was with her. Those cute lil dating/tackling days. It made me smile indefinitely. At least, on how I am looking at it, I can still smile thinking of those happier days. This really is my sign to move on...

Thank yu *happy tears*


phew. I really am getting physically drained from all my activites on my schedule. But hey, I am loving all the plans that are duly being played out. I am enjoying the time of my hectic life. I am busily working my ass off, happily meeting new people, enthusiatically talking about future proposals, fully commiting to the Federation's cause and cherishing the wonderful moments with my family & friends.

It was my mum's birthday the other day and it was a 2nd birthday celebration cum end of A's for my youngest sis as well. Haha. Shes all grown up now, and no longer can I watch over her every move no more. Can only relay my information and experience to her. Its her path now, for her to learn and grow.

Theres something that I've noticed about myself. It can be both a pro and con, depending on how you look at it. Its how I treat things, and it has even gone on to this blog. Hmmm...

Oh..did I forget to say...I will be off to KL tomorrow morning. Heee ;)

So many great things in life and I wonder how I was so down a few months before. haha :P but still like Ive always thought and mentioned, I just cant be left alone to think and dwell on the past. It can really haunt us again.

Sgt hotstuff mentioned something during the many lepak sessions with him recently.
"Takkan la kita tak terkenang pada cerita lama."
Its a confirmed thing. Ha! Oh well...

A man is not judged by the successes in his life but how he/she recovered from a fall to start his journey to success. Success is sweet only because its a journey of achivement.

Lets hope this road of recovery is not shortlived. Haha.


What a wild ride and a pimpingly packed one at that.

Theres something that goes like...

"People would think I'm you're gf if they see all our these pics in your hp"

Well, what you uttered is ultimately what you thought as well ?
& what you thought is desirably what you wish for ??
Maketh any sense ???

The ravages of the rapids, the trials and turbulations when one is seeking the one true path. I am pretty sure all these so called obstacles which I desired for so much less then 2-3 weeks back are just the icing of the big tests which would avalanche upon me.

As I leaned towards you, it was a slight misjudgement maybe from the clear headed person a few minutes before. It was kinda awkward for that instant split second & you made your way rushingly out the door, not even taking that normal second glance back to the vehicle.

I was so strong yet so weak...

I got remind myself constantly...I REALLY REALLY got to!

Come, other things to take my mind off away.



Oh...I took this nice scenic night shot with my latest handphone!
Gasp! which I forgot to mention...its only an N73 btw (",)


Quite a handful, the pile up now.
The stack up you can see, the pile down you can feel.

Wonder where all my time has gone too...

Wonder how I have been handling it all...

The activites set aside, ahh they are just countless I think. Till the facts that have been sprucing up, I have yet to mention.

Think I'll just keep on arranging it all...just...now please remind me about this site. Hah. I cant imagine I forget & cant find the time to fill up this lil space in cyberworld. Well heres letting you all have a peek at what I have been up to, with 1 short lil clip. It was my first time...

The first time that I saw it all up close...
My first touch,
My first ride...
It was all too exhilerating...
Too bad, our acting and directing skills and the wonderful video was not 'fully utilised' haha.
Try to catch this clip k ;)





Check this out.

Guys drinks to forget about the girl...Girls drinks to think back about that guy..
When guys are in love, they become poorer...But when girls are in love, they become prettier
Guys can forget, but cannot forgive...Girls can forgive, but cannot forget..
Guys care most about the quantity of love...But girls care most about the quality of love..
Guys break-up when they feel love from another Girl...Girls break-up when they feel separation from her man...
Guys feels curious towards all girls...Girls feel curious towards the guys who are interested in her..
When guys are heartbroken, they try to forget the girl by going out with other girls...When girls are heartbroken, they try tofind his characteristics from other guys...

Guys wishes to be her first love....And girls wishes to be his last love...

Cant get that niggling effect that most of it, if not all is true.
Lets get that shaky effect off...
K now wheres my female comforter that I ordered ??


My laptop at work crashed. The hard disk was, as mentioned by the IT dept, "fried" Oh man. Along with the hard disk that dissapeared was the valuable data mapping and excel spread sheets that I had been working on since Implentation Analysis started, 3 weeks ago. Its all gone down the drain, since I had made the discerning choice not to back up my work this week. Just great aint it.

Luckily I had backed it up, some weeks ago. Some small things being salvaged are better then none right. At least I wont be starting from scratch. Lucky me too, that tomorrow is the last day for Technical Implentation Analysis. Which means I have that 1 valuable precious day left to copy everything thats been discussed on the board to my paper notes. Its back to the old illegible handwriting of mine. There goes the weekend developing all the sheets again for my consultant whos flying back to UK.

Really shitty that my hard disk went bonkers on me. It did a few drum beats, ticking tocking, went hang-ed, slowed down, restarted several times, until a blue screen appeared for the upteenth time followed by 'could not locate your OS.' That was the killer blow. This is the after effects of giving me a cannibalized laptop. Tular...aku mintak brand new, kasi aku hand me downs. Haha. Oh and the IT support was a malay lady. Finally someone young who speaks my language. Haha. But shes not that young. Probably late 20's. Oh well. And I couldnt believe it, I WAS FLIRTING WITH HER!!!! Hahaha.

I am that in need of comforting. Haha. Ms.secretary, HELP!!! wahahaha.

on a congested note,
What a semak day. Menyemak betul kehadiran si dia. Seluruh lebuhraya ditutup. Sepanjang panjang dari Eunos hingga ke Thomson. Tak guna betul. Kenapa...Kerana si dia. Si penyemak.
Dah lar gitu, tak cukup sekali aku dikenakan. Muncul lagi dan menyemak plak tu pada waktu senja di AYE kelak. Sangkut lagi aku. Tak guna nye semak.

Haha. Betcha you all know ;P

And today is the day of the great sms rush that most respond to but none are free to. Hah.


Its now not a question about wanting or not. Its now a question on how to.

Many months back, I asked this same question to myself. How do I move on from here. Little did I realise that I was more then lying to myself back then, as it was proven I had not really gotten over it. Ask me honestly now, and I'd still say im not 100% over it...But...I'm sure my minds made up enough to leave only 10% unsure.

Its really not wanting to or not, its the how to.

Now that I want to move on, many obstacles come and face me & the first and the biggest would definietly be how to. No matter how strong willed and determined you are, you could be lead astray with the lingering thoughts if you are left alone one too many times. Its like long long ago, you used to spend time together, and when you were in depression, you'd used to spend all those times thinking negatively. So now that I want to move on, I just got to find things, events and people to spend the time with.

So how now...

Its not that I don't want to spend time with friends. Theres just so much you can do to spend time with your members. They are not so free to meet you everyday, and I'm sure their partners wont be too pleased with you spending all their time with you, and leaving them none. Anyway do friends really want to spend 24/7 with each other ??

If you thought that was the bonus question, now heres the atomic kitten.

I think I need to find a rebound. Haha. Not much in the sense like how I tried to find in the past. But just someone to spend more time with me then usual. Preferably a lady please ;P haha cause it makes a difference when its a guy. Its the guy mentality. But when you're out with a girl, its a whole different ball game.

Now the aftermaths...

The rebound though would preferably be just 1 girl, and not many. Heh, cause I'd just tend to mix them up after a few dates. Really now, issit really that great to be going out with girl A today, girl B a few days later, girl C the next week, jumble them up within the next week or so, and not to mention add in girl D and E into the equation. I thought it was initially but No...I dont wish for that. Not now anyway ;p Haha. I dont want a rebound in that way. Cause I would only be falsifying peoples hopes and I dont want that. I just want a girl to spend some time with me regularly enough. A girl to go out on dates with and know that I want no strings attached. Cause when the girl doesnt know it, and I have gotten it quite a few times these few months, they tend to message you after a few dates and ask, "what do you treat me as?"

Hahaha.

So there. Thats the solution I need. Thats the clearest cut way back to rehab. Thats the only way to go. Unless people strongly disagree with it, please come up with a better suggestion. Oh and going to school doesnt count k ms.secretary ;P

I just need a good friend from the opposite side of the gender to comfort me now.

Sigh.


I have been re-reading my last post several times over, & after 1 of those times late at night yesterday, my fingers just twitched on the mouse to the link which surprisingly I havent visited for quite a while. When I was at that particular site, it really wasnt much of a surprise that the words that were put up were...UP!

She seemed to had planned it and staged it in sequence, seemingly still understanding some part of my weakness maybe. But before all those that had sighed relief from the previous post shaking their heads again....do let me continue.

---> BIG SIDETRACK <--- this is my space for thoughts btw :P

Okay.

It was finally done, she had moved everything and I am totally out of reach from her life. It was a sad feeling, honestly but strangely I didnt have that urge to go rushing to the throngs of people whom I know who can access her site to tell me what that page is. I read thinking that this is just a was...her telling me indirectly that it really is over, FINALLY!

A strange bitter sweet feeling of being forced to move on after reading that last post.

I will truly never know if she ever reads this now, or if she had ever continued to read this after the few initial post way back in April, but I truly wish to her all the best. & this is deep from inside my heart, that heavy feeling of letting go yet a certain sense of elated-ment.

Well then, this is truly the death-of-a-desire.




Last year, it was our maiden year. We were virgins at it. We were inexperienced & we went red.
This year, we were at it again. & we were cool as blue. Equipped with more experience but it doesnt always mean its easier.
The limelight was ours, or should I say mine ? Haha. Thank God it all went smoothly.
Shes the best co-host I could ever ask for...as a matter of fact, the only co-host I've had so far :)



Oh...and I managed to score points with my "mum-in-law" both on stage and down stage hehe ;)
"mum-in-law" mentioned I've put on weight ever since the last time she saw me.
Oh well..It seems I've already got her blessings =P
Now when will it all not be just a show...
"..good times does not grow with ease.The stronger the wind,the stronger the trees.."

Its already the 13th of the month & this time round, its a lil different. Still painful and emotional but very numb already. I cant remember how many months its been no more. Its no more a happy would have been. I guess its time...



I am not sure who this is from but its certainly strong words to me...

You might know only 4 words in English "Be", "Not", "To" and "Or" but your words become very powerful and meaningful when you write: To be or not to be

It really is the ends of 2 pendulum swings. From one end to another and yet not being able to find the diminishing centre median. That fine division between going bonkers on both side. That absolute definition between the 2 extremes. The 2 extremes which seems to have good and bad on opposite sides of a table but very uglily both extremes sit side by side in coated arms dressed of the dark side. Being a round ball being kicked from 1 end of the field to another in a so called attempt to change our ways of where we lie in the depths of the dungeons. I am at my wits end, and when being asked yesterday if I was in depression...

I could sadly only utter yes...

From one end to another...

Being able to erase one bad side which I was reveling in, but only to potray another side which seems to be better but upon deep digging, one will only know thats its a whole blardy big cover up. The other side is greener indeed but its not necessarrily the better side. The other side has upon me the darker and more heinous acts which I am not able to control.

I am still not over yu...
I am still not over the incident...
I am still down thereeeeeee, all the way down there just waiting & waiting

.......

......

.....

....

...

..

.


...yup I'm still...
:(





From which ever side I run & shield myself from, the onslought and avalanche of emotions, desires and bucking up never seem to evades me. Be it at work, home, dream creator, with friends or just plain lazing atmosphere, somehow and someway that pile up of requests on me just begins it seige and I just cannot get away from it.

No matter that I want to try to solve it, it just doesnt get erased.

"A man may fall many times but he is not a failure till he says he was pushed"

I just keep getting up and looking back to find no one to blame but me. Yesh, no one to blame but myself for all of this. It seems I still just havent got it nor have I learnt the key essentials to understanding the fundamentals of surviving in this dog eat dog world. Lets not even go to the touchy topic and issue on desires and emotions. For it will just drown me in all the sorrows that I am experiencing.

Let me run away for a while from it all. Understanding it all though, I have run away many times from it all, short breaks and long breaks. I dont wish to just keep on running. I want to get things done. It is a hard driven path the beaten track ahead. I know of it already. I chose to go through it, yet I always seem to fall in between or backtrack to the start. I have hit the brick wall upteenth times.

Not about hitting the wall as I have learnt. It is about recognising that you have reached the wall and taking a small step back before slowly but surely ensuring we push this mental wall back further until we reach upon its heights once again. We just have to keep repeating this process till we reach our destination. It is here then that we would truly savuor the sweetness of our journey.

The only time I have ever enjoyed reaching the walls and being able to take a step back, and yet still push all the boundaries away is when I am in front of people, controlling their attention and laughter. The center stage under the limelight seems to be the only place where I can materialise my desires and hide away from all my solace. That is my spot and that is how I can develop. Should a certain some one read this last para, please do understand...

Its about picking onself up and finding the best place to keep our feet firm.

Its just about that...


Is anyone even listening to me...?

Nah, I have doubt-ed so from the start anyway...

Just my own quiet shouts on my own virtual realm.


I do hope I would be proven wrong...


How the winds of tide have changed. & with a soft whispering blow, the overlapping changes that have taken place have been overshadowed by the superficial surface that is being reflected on the eyes of many a beholder.

Its really such a stark and drastic change that surprisingly too few people have noticed. They were even kind enough to offer encouragements, happy at the so called leaps of improvements that I have seemed to make.

It is all being overplayed to much. No one really notices the whirlwind change.

From being skinny, all rag and bones in the last 4 months...I have suddenly been labeled plum, chubby and big by certain corners of my life. No doubt, I dont really care so much what they say. They too were about the same group of people that commented on my lack of weight. But think about it, in 4 months from 1 extreme to another extreme. Is it really a sign of being okay and moving on ? Is it really showing how I have been able to cope with the surgical cuts to my emotions...?

A firm and positive NO is the most likely answer here.

As I sat amongst the people that know me for a long time yesterday, I hear in a certain degree of atonishment how I am constantly teased about having moved on, and having found so many Mak J's in the process. GND, CPG is also included and how my Rose has been helping me attract the throngs of other bees (?) to this sweet and nubile flower (?) Lets not ..not mention how dey keep asking me to bring and intro the girl whos on my handphone wallpaper. Who else if not ms.hourglass....

A simple swing of the pendant which brought me drastically to the other side yet without fear or emotion being replaced the slightest bit. I was still, or am still in almost the same situation that I was in a few months back. Its just maybe to the eyes of many, that I seem to have moved on. Its of course due to my normally enthusiatically overhyped up character thats trying to pale down all the misfits that had occured in the months preceeding this. So by having the character that I really am, people simply presume how well I have moved on since the small lil tummy was a valley. No surprise that...that tummy is now a small mountain amidst this small frame of a body.
=/
I find myself in the same stuck situation, asking the same age old question. Can I really do it. Is it so hard ? I just cant seem to understand why it is so...

With her suddenly appearing on my whos viewed list, it rekindles the shaken images that ive been trying so hard with much disparity to erase. & I just couldnt help myself but to check on her, even though I hit a hard rock wall as I know I wont be able to view anything. She still seems though to update her portal, the only link that I have to know of her directly at the moments. For all other avenues are indirect routes.

Its been a lil hard this festive season, as I dont feel the couply effect this year. I dont have my set that matches with anyone. I dont have any set that could and would be matched with anyone in these coming weeks.

As I hear the waves of music going through the air, the sweet serenade of festive comfort that would soon dissapear, I sob alone in the 1 favourite raya song. The kurungan biru...

When would I be able to reverse those words, for it keeps dancing on my tongue and lips those piercing words that kills the festive season with the torrentous pours from the lashes. The next time I would hear the azan raya, I dont even know if she would already be back in singapore, so that I can at least totally finish it off. On wheather I still would be able to slice myself through or bow down in the grace of defeat of a better guy...

I just wouldnt know at this point of time.

I just want to spend my time away aimlessly, filling it with endless hours on ends wasting precious money as well, that could have been used on her. For it used to be that way...

So will the 2 extremes now converge to the center...
A question which I am not certain how the outcome would go...or if I really want the outcome, what ever it would be, to even happen.






The signs have been all around.
The turbulants have been constant.
Its been wayward and havocy all along.

Add in a sugar, spice & salt to taste...
I sense a very...very...very long post coming up soon! I hope I'm wrong. =/


Enterprise Resource Planning is going to be constructed, customised and run on a Solution Application Process R/3 4.7B, & I finally knew what it totally means. Haha. I was employed specifically to assist in the implentation for the Warehouse Management module for the said application but only today did I totally & fully understood what it means. & its been a month...

Haha...

Btw it doesnt necessarily mean that I know what my actual work is going to be. *whistles* Larlarlar...never mind let me concentrate on the soft skills then. Let me concentrate on the dream creator company.K lets not kid ourselves, I am concentrating on RAYA celebrations. Haha.

=/ k again, who am I kidding. I am only lost in concentration for thoughts are still lingering on her.