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Ridak & his RollerCoaster
This is his emotional ride.



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Noraini - norot
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Rasyida
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Wardah - ms.salad queen / ruzmidah
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Its the last hours of September & I need to wake up bad. I need to wake up and realize what has really happened. I need to & I have to.


I was wrong. The bug is still around. Its just focusing its attack on my throat only. It hurts and it feels like theres a sharp blade in my throat, piercing me from the inside. Its that painful and irritating.

Other than that, I have practically nothing to update. Haha.

This is the effect of staying home for 1 week. Gosh 1 whole week of just staying at home. Anak dara betul aku. Wahaha.

On a lighter note, will finally get my lazy bum of an excuse to work next week. Sigh. There goes all my gaming time, I was just getting to be so good in Winning Eleven. Haha.

Now I will be spending nearly 1 hour, or more, everyday just on transportation. & mind you I'm on private transportation. My oh my. To and fro to Tuas everyday, just what have I gotten myself into. But hey, the company's been quite professional, they even emailed me the 1st day's induction programme and stuff. Cool-ness. Haha.

Hmm wonder if I already mentioned which company I joined. K ..k...will tell you all once I actually attend work at that said company. Which reminds me by the way, it surprises me how big this company that I joined really is.

Pure honesty (lets hope non from the HR dept reads this) I didnt know much about the company but when I told some friends which company I joined, immediately they went 'oh' or 'wow' ...or ' have heard about that company.' I am starting to think how lucky I was not knowing much about the company and still being able to land the position.

Alhamdulillah.

Sneak for all of you k. My company manufactures Panadol ;)

Hahaha. Wonder if they have anything for my sore throat ??


its been a while since my brain has been stable enough to jot down points into sentences. And to form those sentences into paragraphs, as well as to make those paras to stories. I've been sick, so sick in the brain...the body and all over that my mind actually stopped talking to me for a while.

It was good actually since Ramadhan had begun too. No more contemplations so much and no more of my brain thinking all those that I shouldnt think. My fasting was at least peacful. Kinda lame to say that I want to be sick and all.

Thats not the point.

Point is Im well and recovered now, except for the itchy and irritating throat only. That's all. The rest, Alhamdulillah ;)

Its almost a week since Ramadhan but I'll still say. To all muslims, Slamat berpuasa :)


Finally after 1 week of waiting, it finally came in through the mail. The old snail mail of course. It finally came and when I ripped it open to re-read the contents that I already know, funnily I felt like I didnt want it. Giler nye orang eh aku!!

Now I really am not sure if I want to send it back. For if I dont send it back, I have no other offers as I have rejected the school offer. My emotions really are a backwash when I think of the chance that I had rejected, the oppurtunity to go back to where I had been moulded.

I always feel tired when I debate about it. Let me just put it aside la.

Friday is already here. Another week gone by without much development. Oh well, lets just welcome Ramadhan.


I dont really know what to write no more. At a junction where I am constantly so damn tired. And its a few days more to ramadhan, I wonder how Im going to pull it off. Its not about the food and drinks, its about the spiritual enlightenment. I never seem to supercede myself. Always faring lousier then the previous year. Why!!

Spiritual attainment is...hmmm...

I had a small revision class yesterday with my dad. Imagine at 1am - 4am. Knowledge strangely always comes to me in all these weird hours. All the things that I supposedly know already were suddenly reminded of. I felt so weak and devilish in all the purity that I was listening to. Yet I also felt a strange movement of air that I had learned and practised most of the things that I was revising.

I always want to be an angel you know, yet all the vices lure me to the dark side. And it was an oxymoron that just after I finished my 'class,' someone sms me to go Devils bar at 4am. haha. Last kopek before puasa. Tsk3. ohhhh the devil was literally a calling.

How come I find myself in ironic situations.

I still have it lingering in my mind, a last kopek before Ramadhan, yet my mind wants to cleanse and wants to be pure. What irony.

I need all the strength that I can muster to pull through the rest of September. For only then will I truly wake up from my slumber.


And so like mentioned by ms.secretary, I would be a west sider. And I really mean all the way WESTTTTT. its a journey to the west everyday then from now on. OH well, the things people do to make a living and climb the corporate ladder.

I am so tired btw & I smell something fishy too. I cant figure it out just yet but its so darn fishy. Hmmm....somethings going to crop up. I just got that feeling.

Bleargh. The only coner of response Im waiting for isn't replying, might as well move on in life right ?? right ??

....right ???


Okay this is kind of sucky.

I woke up damn early(whats new) and with my mind still shrouded with clouds of options and thoughts. I was 75% bent on my choice before I fell asleep on my messy ruckus excuse for a bed. Waking up that 75% hadn't increased the slightest bit and with a few gulps of Peach Tea, I just don't know how I came up to a conclusion.

Many a times I was this close *points to space between thumb and index finger when you squeeze them* to rejecting the 'so called' higher pay to try my luck in administrative duties in an environment which I think I love. Well logic finally took a swat at me and made me realise that its always sweeter when its more concentrated. Does that even make sense ?

I finally made up my mind and I'm sure you can see where its headed. At 9am, still fresh oozing from Lala land, I summed up enough words to email the HR department. Thanking them for their consideration, I would be more then glad to take up the offer in Tuas.

Now...its almost 11am. They have yet to call me back. Arghhhh. now this is sucky. This is making me contemplate again and again. My mum actually thought I went with emotions when she woke up seeing me in a daze manner in front of my PC. I wish I could and had went with emotions, for all the clouds are back spiralling in a twister fashion into my mind.

Why cant it be simple making up ones mind whenever emotions come into play ??
WHY...WHY...WHY!!

I think I will forever be besiged by emotional factors and until I manage to overcome that, my upward exponential growth will hit a ceiling wall, or it would be a cacat kind of growth. Hah.

Oh...Oh...Oh...

Now I am vividly imagining myself travelling to and fro to Tuas EVERYDAY! haha and wondering of all tghe west side ladies I will suddenly add to my handphone contacts. Hah. Why am I thinking of such stuffs.

Maybe its because of a certain sms I recieve just as I hade made my decision and sent my email. In came a sms asking about my eyecandy. =) it made me smile, true but then...

Will the eyecandy just remain an eyecandy ? I have mentioned that she and me are just friends, good enough even for her to always call me 'hey bro' in her sms'. DanG!!! Brotherly type of love. Haha. Oh well, I have learnt too many times that what will be will be. You cant think and expect alot but just have to put in effort and do what necessary. I think I'll do just that, in my own comfortable strides, thank you ;)

So where does this rollercoaster ride end up, we just have to find out.


Losing sleep is never good. Its never good. Period.

I am losing sleep over choice.

2 choices, simple as that. One choice that follows the heart and the other that follows the brain. Logic VS Emotions. What new with me right. Hmmm I aint going to spill the beans on the cons for it would never end and it can be complicated. I just want to reason out the pros. Logic VS Emotions.

...on the Logic side...
- Higher pay
- Booming industry
- management role, juniour yet management none the less

...on the Emotion side...
- Alma matter option
- sentiments
- good environment (at least thats what i think, haha)

So its a tie...
Damn. Thats been it the whole night. Sheesh! I got approximately around 18 hours more to make a decision. Let me see light!!!

Oh the dream creator company has no input into this consideration.


Real tight situation and I still cant make up my mind. & whats new right...sitting at home on a saturday night. Argh...

Tuas or Tampines ??


I am in a spiral of thoughts, clouded with shudders of the future that lay uncertain. At the begining of what lies ahead, I have to make a choice. Decisions abundant but it all boils down to 2. I am really in a headache just thinking about it all the time. I have yet to come up to a definite answer but I have uptill monday morning only to decide where my future, or at least my next year will be at and how it will size up.

Do I go with the flow of many, in a natural progression of a job. Take a higher pay then my previous but travel so far everyday. I don't know. It will provide me with alot of learning lessons as I dont know how I pulled that interview off. Haha. I just flipped the tables over, remember ? By flipping the tables back to them, they gave me an offer. The basic is higher then what I had but I certainly expected more, especially since I am so called 'management' albeit the most junior of them all. Since I am management, I am not entitled to overtime yet I have to stay after hours to provide for what is needed by the oh so large MNC. They are dealing in such a sophisticated industry that it would seriously & definitely provide alot of ample oppurtunites for me in the future, should I take the experience with them. Oh so headachy.

The other main choice that I have is a very appealing job environment. Should things go my way, and Im banking on it, I would be in a very familiar environment. I would be providing to those that were just like me, in an environment that I loved so much. The chance to work in my alma matter is so appealing to me. The nature and prospect of the job is so so ME! The chance to give back what I had recieved from CCA is such a great oppurtunity, to work with kids, to work with teachers and most of them Im sure will still remember me *chuckles* That is such a wonder especially since it would be less then 15mins to work. Why then is the pay so so peanuts!! I'll be taking a pay cut from what I used to have and it definitely pales so much to the other offer. Its a really a big difference!! Oh so headachy.

Each time I come up with a choice, the next instance I'll just be washed away with the pros of the other. I just cant come up with a decision and I only have up till monday!!

Argh...

Where will this rollercoaster ride of mine lead to...?? Tuas or Tampines ?


Waking up with activities in mind should not put one in a lethargic manner. It should have re-energized your body during your sleep and have kept you rejuvenated for the coming activities, especially since its 2 big time interviews.

Instead I woke up feeling tired, lethargic, aching back and arms and I couldnt put a finger as to why it was as such. It was only when I was online, reconfirming the address of the interview and re-checking the dates that it hit me, HARD.

& of course it never failed to amaze me that such a reason still pulls me down back to the lowlands where I had hailed from.

The sinking feeling one has, the tearful aura that it provides & the alluring sadness is just plain mindblowing.

I really don't know when it will stop. I am hoping it is soon. I want it to be real soon. But then again...

I was given a prep talk from menteri Cypher-Z the other day. He reminded me of dreams and the sole reason why I had not jump ship from the clouds of the dream creator company. He stated the one real reason is not in the brain but in the heart. In cloudy times like now, I aint certain if you were the real push and motivation, and I really aint certain...

For the heart sees peculiar stuffs which is almost impossible to decipher. Period.

Happy would-have-been 44th month yu.


Here's the funny incident mr.teacher went through some time back. He was at the pub in Marriot. I suddenly cant remember the name of that place. Well he was in bermudas and that place has quite a strict dress code, I think.

So one of the waitress comes along to him and tells him...

waitress: Sir, you cant be in bermudas here.
mr.teacher: Oh really ?
waitress: Yup. You can stay for happy hour only but you'll have to leave by 2am.
mr.teacher: why 2am ?
waitress: Cause the dancefloor will be open and bermudas are not allowed.
mr.teacher: (trying to be funny) How about all those ladies in skirts, how come they can stay.
waitress: they got boobs, you don't.

Hahaha. I'm not sure if its funny in written form but when he was relating it to us, it was so damn funny! Wahaha. K I still think its funny whether or not I wrote it funnily ;P

K funny right ? Hah. Good, now that I got your attention...

Muahaha


There is just no time for emotional sentiments now!

As much as I want to indulge in my personal emotions =p I just can't and won't right now. There is just so much to be done and completed. Oh I just realised that sometimes a little complaining doesn't hurt anyone. It gets resutlts even. =P K but remember I said a little complaining, not whining...and do complain through the correct channels, namely GOD.

=)

Remember my recent blabber and outburst. Hah yah, cause after that incident last week, Alhamdulillah I had a sudden flurry of activities and interviews. And its still coming in. Just a list of companies that I had been shorlisted for interviews - Starhub, CAAS(K these 2 were before the complaints haha), Deutesche Bank(I think thats the spelling), GlaxoSmithKline, Singtel, NTUC, ICA, MPA & MOE(subsidary or vendor). Like WOW. Alhamdulillah all of them are MNC's. And today I just got confirmation that GlaxoSmithKline is ready to offer me something and so is the vendor of MOE. But I am waiting...waiting...

I really am interested in the Deutesche Bank option but they just am not calling me yet. Hmmm 1 things for sure GlaxoSmithKline is offering a higher payout but of course...its ALL THE WAY IN TUAS. Thats the only hindrance so far. The CCPE position offered by MOE's vendor is also interesting as it plays around with the good nature of a school environment but the payout though SUCKS.

Oh..Oh today's interview with Singtel was good. It was conversational surprisingly. I went with my gut instincts not to go with diplomatically correct answers but those that were in-line with my principles and they were nodding their head and going 'true..true' HAHA. Oh and when I mean they, I am refering to the 3 interviewers. 3!!! thats alot. All the interviews I've been to mostly were 1 or 2 interviewers but Singtel was 3!! hmmm...

The only observation I can make is when its 1 inteviewer, they are down to accessing you on skills and skills only. When its 2 persons, its a mixture of skills and aptitude. But when its 3, it really boils down to your aptitude and how you can impress the interviewers with your character. This of course is based on my observation.

Wonder how many people I will be sized up against ICA and NTUC tomorrow.

Oh all these is going and clashing with my dream creator company progress. Bleargh. I am just picking up momentum again and now... I am in a dilemma.

Which totally dissolves all my time against mushy2 sms that I'm suppose to reply. CPG is still msging wanting to meet up. Lets not forget the others with additions of Mak J. Of course whenever I'm at my dream creator company, my eyecandy never fails to spin my head around. Oh dear ms.hourglass =)

Haha.

Oh no...I am compressed and squeezed of time and what not...

There is just no time for emotional sentiments now!


Wow...I really miss my parents. I've been talking to them all the way just now since they came back. So much variety and topics when we talked and honestly there were even topics I wasnt interested in yet I still engaged in the conversation enthusiatically. I really missed them.

Sigh. That just shows no matter how old I am, I will keep running back to them. Betul la kekata mereka, anak mak la aku ni. *shrugs*

Thats not such a bad thing after all. Haha. Really. No matter how much they bicker, irritate or intrude in my life, they do it cause they care and Im appriciative of that. Thats why I miss them through out the 9 day they weren't around. Now that they're back, the house is not so quiet anymore. Haha. There I can here both their voices =)

I love you Abah & Mama ;)

Anak mak pun anak mak la. Sapa yang nak terima aku, kena terima la mak bapak aku. Wahahaha.


I was about to change and get ready when I just thought of checking the flight status. Lucky indeed for the flight was delayed 1hour. if not I would be sitting all alone, wandering aimlessly around the airport terminal waiting for an extra hour.

That extra hour now has produced me enough time to sit back and relax. And put in an update on whats swirling in the crazy rollercoaster ride through my brain.

What I desire in my thoughts are peace and tranquility yet as always everything is a constant mix up and match of bad things gone haywire plus the additional HUGE hiccups here and there. Oh...Oh not to mention terrible vomitting rollercoaster sessions. All these are in my brain. But what I want now is to spend time sitting by the beach enjoying the serene sunrise/sunset as the wind blows across my face. Enjoying the facade of colours that are beautifully intertwined at the horizons and have a glowing presence of better colours sitting beside me.

Talking. Period.

*phew*

now that wasnt so hard to describe right ? Thats not to much to ask for right ?


The more you don't communicate, the more the feeling grows and burns. It burns so big and bright in your heart that its like a lion all raring to be unleashed. Yet a lion can only rant and roar so much for so long that after some time, it gets soft and begins to succumb to tameness from being restricted in the cage. After non-communication for so long...its slowly begin to fade.

& as it fades...and as it fades...

I don't know if I can let it go.

There are some small sparks from long ago that have sputtered recently. From constantly brushing into each other's path yet non-communication, to a simple smile and now to being checked on. I don't know what it is. I don't want to know either for its forbidden fruit. See thats what happens when communication is awoken after such a long dormant sleep.

Its the same know...before it totally becomes non-communication, and it would be too difficult to spark anything up again...I don't know.

ArgH!


I am tired.
Just plain tired.
Shagged out trying to swirl my life back into a topspin.
Plain dizzy from it all.
All the spinning.
Topspin, Downspin, you name it all.
Just plain tired.

& tomorrow my parents are finally coming backkk!!!


Funny. Funny.

I was reading my tagboard and the sudden immense urge to reply to sayuri, then I thought, what the heck...lets make it into a post. As i further read my tags, I finally understood what ms.secretary was mentioning with regards to chicken wing and batu lesom. Haha. I am so SLOW. She tagged it because of my craving for nasi ayam penyek. & here was this fool thinking what does chicken wing and batu lesom got to do with my horrendous handwriting. =P

Funny. Funny.

Its been definitely an amusing ride these few days. Its not that emotional but I guess its due to the activities I've had. Like I said, waking up at 5am continously does help. =)

Thursday morning was the interview where I had to write my 'homework' essay. Bloddy hell, they made me wait so long, this small office. There I was crammed up in 5 seats together with 4 other ladies. & to think I came the earliest but why was I being called up only in the middle...Oh the others were wearing bras & panties. Haha. I so feel like sidetracking and posting mr.Teacher's incident and joke about boobs and bras.

Anyway for those that had been to recruitment agencies, you'd know that some are very professional while others seem very slipshot and are not really interested in matching us with suitable jobs but eating our commission. Hey I cant comment much since its a living anyway.

The agency I had gone to on Thursday seemed quite professional. They even had a software which determines our working aptitude. We just keyed in certain numbers based on their pre-defined set of questions and ta-dah the graph determined that I was a Determined and Initiative type of person whos Compliance was highly questionable. Haha. When I was finally interviewed, the interviewer - lets call her A, straight away told me that what I had applied to was quite far off from what my key attitudes defined me. Hmmm. A went further into trying to persuade me to join ...the INSURANCE industry. Argh!!!!

I was flipping in my mind when I heard her say this. Time to do the old table flipping and there I was ranting on attributes as to why I shouldnt be in the INSURANCE industry and how I dug up my past, with a tinge of tear in my eyes haha, to re-evaluate the story as to why I was suitable to the post I had originally applied to.

...2 days later...

...Haha. Its not 2 days later but by the end of the interview, A told me theres going to be a follow up interview selection on Saturday. It was like a tea party cum mingling with other candidates and other interviewers.

Though in my mind, I was happy that I managed to go for another set of interviews, I was like thinking WTF. Peanuts pay and you make me go through so much...?!? And a tea party for just an executive position ? People would have thought that I was shorlisted to be a PAP member. Haha. Decked out all in white from head to toe. Wait, I already did that in Dunman right =P

So oh well, I used my negotiation and persuassion skills (which ironically A said I had and was useful for INSURANCE) to good use to try to offer myself a higher starting salary, which Im still not happy with the basic though. *ponders*

oh so Funny. Funny.

...I'm on a roll. I shouldn't stop.

The mates wanted to meet up and when I say mates, its routinely sgt hotstuff, mr.teacher and me. As normal, only 1 of us had an activity so off we went to get sgt hotstuff's new race suit. Shit you know, I was green with envy when he bought that Alpinestar racesuit. He even showed me one colour scheme which was so BEAUTIFULLY MATCHING with my ROSE. Argh. I need a job fast with cold hard cash!!!

Oh and when we went to eat, we met an old classmate, Farhana or better affectionately remembered by me as Minah Current(read current as in Ampheres but pronounce in the malay slan, Karen). Haha. Sorry yar =P and she actually asked me with regards to my December date. *slaps head* Gosh she actually believed that. I just gave her the date 12-12-12 and she took out her calendar in an instant. Haha. FYI. 12-12-12 is not a weekend and so is not 11-11-11. Gee...

I didnt think so many people would take that notice seriously. Gee...& according to ms.Devilicous, the money that I have in hand right now is not enough to hold a wedding. She even gleefully and of course to my understanding jokingly asked me to spend it on a new sports bike. We only live once she says.

...Yah thats a phrase that keeps echoing in my mind.
We only live once.

I shouldnt waste in too much on reminiscing, being sad and waiting ...right ?!? Chin up and GO!!!Oh...oH the emotional side of me is reminding the 13th is approaching :(


Busy busy busy. Busy with what..? I myself cant ascertain it much. Ha. Oh busy trying to get back my employment status online.

I had an interview at Tuas this morning. Yes all the way at Tuas & on the way back, I was as usual talking to myself and trying to sooth and coax myself that all went well.

Oh from the morning chit chat, I have a small tip for all you other job seekers . Don't know if it will come in real handy or not but hey I found it amusing just now.

You know how sometimes interviewers tend to ask what is the assuarance that we can give to them, with regards to us not jumping ship a few months down the road. Yah, that one. K if its a contract employment, heres my take.

Chances are when you're being recruited directly by a firm, and not by a recruitment agency, and you're still being offered a contract employment. There's 2 main reasons that I've come to noticed. 1 - It is a project based task and the length of the contract is their estimated time the project will last. 2 - The company is cost cutting therefore contract staff would be cheaper in all the trivial sense should they decide to release you.

Back to the question.
"whats the assuarance that you're not going to job hop after we train you?"

When I provided my answer, the look on the interviewers face were ermm stunned actually and I sensed a tinge of frowness from 1 of the interviewers too. But basically, who know it could work wonders for me.

"whats the assuarance that I can get from you're company that you're not going to release me earlier prior to the contractual agreement."

Priceless man the look. Ha. & there they were trying to assure me that the company is profiting and expanding and blah blah. Coming from a large MNC mind you. Haha. Turn the tables around sometimes during interviews. Hey we still have a choice to join them or not ;)

By the way, the job I was being interviewed for today was a project based assignment for 1year. K now to do more reading on other companies to prepare myself for interviews. Even though its a bleaky rainy Friday. I feel abit cheerful today. Heh. And my eye is twitching abit. Signs of good things to come, InsyaAllah. ;)


Oh gosh my handwriting really sucks, BIG time.

Can you imagine the depths and trouble I have to go through just to secure an interview ? And when we already have that oh so hot date with the HR staff, we are given a surprise bonus to welcome us. Imagine I have 'homework' to bring to my interview.

To write an essay on
1. What are your most important goals for the next six month ?
2. What special qualities do you have to achieve these goals?
3. What kind of work environment do you prefer ?

My oh my...and I have to do on plain paper w/o lines. Whats the excuse for that ? You want to give more reasons not to hire me ? because of my oh so horrendous and unreadable hand writing ? Geee the things I have to do to get employed.

Ah another day of interviews...


It just takes 1.

It always just takes 1. Either to start a ball rolling or to halt a bullet train. Just 1, the 1st action and all can and will start or will stop.

When you're so down down there, just 1 action that you believe and kazam you find yourself being escalated up into where you hope to be. Or at least within reaching grasp.

Remember that I complained about no job. Just 1 thing, doing an action and I find myself in a flurry of activity which is cooling to the heart. Calls come piling in, some turning out to interviews and next we shall see what happens. 3 straight days of interviews is certainly a good sign. Not wanting to pin to much hopes up high but InsyaAllah. Think I can actually hear my mum praying for me, for my well being in the working world. =)

But 1 thing alone also can just halt all the excellent ascend that you've managed. Just 1 night of sleeping in and you're back into the zone. I am back in the zone tonight. Cant really tell how I came here but just sleeping during the time when I'm not suppose to and some things crash down. All the great activites that had been don for the past few days just looks pale in the shadows of todays sleep in.
---------------------------
I want to reach out to my clouds of hope. To touch my bubbles of achievements. Readily and willingly accept all obstacles, and of course overcoming them to be enlighten by the dream of success, something that I used to enjoy.

Don't let me down again oh dream creator. Don't let my attitude kill my dream. If all else fails, at least a poignant unity that will benefit each other should suffice. I hope. Let me be filled by the dreams of clouds. Just let be me.
---------------------------
I looked into your eyes, how you gave me all the support and how you keep pushing me and believing in me. I wonder, as to how my past experience has taught me, will you still be there should I say I give up. As in truly give up but you with your own set of dreams that you wish to pursue. Will it be like my past ? You told me today to start afresh, to put my past all behind me and to act as if nothing ever had happened. Can you do that to if I were to profess to you ? For it is still not the time. And many things can still happen and push us wide apart as it has but somehow we still have been surprisingly in touch, and I consider you close to me...to my heart. For you had touched it.

Can it happen ?
It is all too early to tell...

Will it happen ?
Destiny is in the hands of its own creator, mine!
Oh dear God, I am not & can never overule you.
Its just a figure of speech =)


Its only 7am and yet I am feeling so tired already. I need something to pump up and re-energise my life. Something that would put sparks back to my fluttering and boring mundane cycle.

On the other hand, waking up early is not a bad thing though. Am able and have managed to get quite a few things done in the morning. Maybe I am a morning person. Someone who can really get things done right up early in the day. The only downside is I always get tired by 4 or 5 especially if I engage in strenous bodily activities. Read - excercise.

Did I forget to mention that I was drowning in a pool of thoughts yesterday, literally. I was doing laps in the new Tampines pool. Well at least I think its new. Hah I dont know since when it looked like that but it was nice. Compared to like 10years ago when I had swimming lessons there with other Dunmanites. Back when there was such a thing called afternoon session in secondary school. My oh my how times have changed.

I think I did 10 or 12 laps and was aching at my shoulders, hips and thighs already. I am really in such an unfit state. I hate this. I dont mind putting on weight but I need to be fit. Now Im putting on weight like nobody's business and yet have so many people still tell me I am thin. Fat and unfit - what a great combo.

I think I managed to drown and 'kill' some emotions yesterday at the pool.

I think I am back slowly to my ol' glass half full type of person. All jovial and happy go lucky and taking each things by their own stride. But what an oxymoron I was and still am to a certain extent. The pesimistic optimist, the punctual late comer (oh I hate being late!) and of course the always awake sleepyhead. Full of ironies I am now. Just need more time...

Just need more time...


So many things to say yet many go unspoken and will mostly forever be held in peace.

Love is a strange thing. It never was easy to comprehend in the first place. Love is also a magical thing, something which unites many people together in close bondship together hand in hand.

Love is love & love is one thing. Friendship on the other hand is a total different thing together. Love and friendship co-exist but the fine line in between is a careful thread of blur between black and white.

How does one go about rekindling a friendship that was once so close ?

My recent nickname on MSN caused quite a stir, enough to whip up cakes to feed the whole of Africa, I guess. None so much the whipping to some that I never expected. Close kin and by kin I mean buddies, like ms.secretary and mr.teacher knew exactly that it wasnt true. mr.teacher went a mile extra to think of some disastrous situations that could have affected me. Thanks bradder. He and me and sgt hotstuff know each other well enough to sift what is black from what is white in each other.

This is the stuff that what friendships are made of and how love is universal in definition amongst men.

But when love and friendship had crossed borders and the grey area had been dipped to much in black or white once before, it is seldom difficult to hold on to what was when things had drfited. No doubt friends will always be friends but sometimes it is never the same.

A bestie I had once, and surprisingly from the opposite gender, even actually called to confirm what was going on. No doubt she told me that i her heart she knew I was playing all my joker cards but somehow she had to double check, and also on the pretence of checking for her mum. Ha. I knew her family well back then and even had addressed her mum how she has always done so, by Umi.

Umi wanted to know if I was really going to hold such a joyous occasion at the end of the year and with whom to. Of course she knows and I know and everyone knows (I hope) that it was just in a fit of vents and frustration to please the oh so 'adoring' crowd.

Actually the above 2 paragraphs doesnt quite relate to what I want to express, really. Its actually how the conversation just died down after the Q&A session. How close we once were just seemed so distant even when it genuinely sounded that both of us tried. It just ended on a low note with ermm ok just beep me if anything, and lets organise a meet up with the rest...

...and it all ended just like that.

I felt sad that it has come to this and to think that friendship had an edured a mean spat between bestie and the one of the ex. I just couldnt understand it. No really, I just cant.

I cant bear to lose more good friends, loved ones that had forged close knit bondage with one another, remembering how the laughs and struggled to pull the final stages of our adolescent years. How both had chosen seperate paths in life and yet had a real good line of communication and connectivity. Some times, somethings just go differently as how we expect them.

Lets meet up again some time yar...

Love and friendship knows no boundaries nor no problems. Till our paths inter twine closely once more, once again (",)


Waking up early, as in real damn early just to search for jobs can be real depressing. Cause you never know what to do after that. It can get real boring just waiting for your handphone to ring or to see an incoming mail with regards to a potential job.

Argh!!

I need and miss my parents :(

Oh...when I mentioned early, 7:51 is not early. Not early at all. Try waking up at 5am everyday. (-_-)


"

Wake up and smell the Roses!! Come on.. We have all gone thru this phase of our
life.. Honestly it is not one bit easy or fun.. Different ppl have different
opinions on these.. I just wanna share my piece..Coz mine wasnt one bit the
easiest.. I took like forever.. Anyhow, no one will take the same period of time
either.. But by taking ur own time to heal, U'll learn more abt urself.. I mean
the mistakes u've made b4.. So by the time, there is not a single picture of
him/her left in ur computer, handphone.. or any albums u can find in ur crib..
Well babes and dudes.. u're on ur way to walk ur next path.. Seriously, letting
go is a must.. If there is any feelings left, u'll only not hurting urself, but
the next person who is willing to share his/her life with you.. You'll only keep
running away from opportunities.. You keeping hoping for something that is not
worth it or won't even look ur direction anymore.. So my dear friends,
colleagues.. and anybody reading this rite now.. It's time to clear ur
wardrobe..

"

I read this from Princess Rapunzel's blog and it hit me very deep, the inner meanings. For my wardrobe is still full of yesteryear and its not just 1.

...anyone wana help with the clearing ??


It takes a while to realize but now that I have, I have to overcome it.

I am BINGING!!!
no good :(


If you must know, I just reached home around 1/2 hour ago. And Ive been out since Saturdae 1630h.

Spent the whole of Saturday busy as a bee with running errands, spending some lil bit of quality time and trying to sweeten the sour feeling form a lousy Friday.

I have been up since Saturday 5+am and its been 24hours that I am awake.

Saturday I sent Rose to the workshop where she will stay under the care of Mechanic Amir to be restored to her very best, interior and exterior. So I am without a bike that can pillion people. Heh.

In the afternoon I met up with the lepak boys. Its never wrong to meet them up especially when you're feeling sour and down. Each and every one of us knows that and I am glad that all of us have taken care to ensure that each of us are there for others when the time arises.

Spent $35 on Sup Tulang at Beach road to feed 4 people. Mr.Teacher was a dissapointment as he had stopped after the first round. That dissapointment continued later on in the night. Cause surprise surprise, when we met up with Abg.Chindian later on in the evening, we all ended up at Forbidden City IndoChine. Even the Bouncer met us there. Never has this group gone to such a place for such purposes, together. Haha.

So the dissapointment is with Mr.Teacher. I shall not let it out here for its between the group but its damn funny la when you were in the toilet trying to wash your hands.

Even more surprising was we found ourselves in MOS by 2am. Yesh MOS. I was at the Ministry of Sound *gasp* so that explains why I am home so late. Anyway MOS is not such a big deal like how people say, its too damn packed that smoove room. The music was just okay2 but really its too small that damn smoove room.

And now I am tired for my body has been continuedly being inputed with 'things' that keep me awake. From chocolates(mum's teachers' day gifts haha) to sadly sending Rose, to eating Sup Tulang and to dancing the night away.

That certainly took my mind of the depressions of Friday. Those sour notes were out, Yeah. K now just to prepare myself to send the parent off to Umrah in a few hours. Slamat pergi dan slamat kembali ibu bapa ku tersayang (",)


When you keep waking up to the dust of dusk. When you keep waking up to not see the sun. When you keep waking up to find 2/3 of the day is gone. So what is new ?

Spent my first day unemployed rotting away.

Other then that waste, eating at Sakura buffet for the family is good. Keeps my mind off a things. Its so hard to please your parents some times, no matter what award, commendation, recommendation or testimonial you get. It is so so hard some times cause nothing ever pleases them fully. And this by far always true to children whose parents are teachers. Bleargh. Always living in the shadows of their bright students. Bleargh.

On another sour note, she has totally blocked me off I presume. She updated again. Wow! Like so many posts in so few days yet that 1 moment of my weakness where I couldnt resist but comment since like forever was goneeeeee, forever unnoticed.

So I am totally unnoticed now, not by my parents, not by her, not by HR depts...argh! just not by anybody cause somehow I've grown invinsible to the world.

The only shockers were when I changed my msn nick. That sent tremor waves through almost all who noticed it was me. Yah everyone ask to whom it will be in December...

...if not...nobody would notice anything...

here I am slipping into oblivion.


The end is near. Its just a mere short countdown left to go...

Packing everything getting everything ready for clearance forms and all is not an easy task. Packing up and moving on is never an easy task for we will always tend to bring along excess baggage.

And truly as much as I cant wait to leave, I am resenting all the packing and all the clearing and counting down the tick tocks till the clock strikes out. I am heavy to move on from this place where I have learnt alot. This is not good, happening to me twice now. Moving on is heavy but in reality we have to do it...

I will be saying the goodbyes, and coming back later in the morning to do my offical clearance.

From now on...till then...till forever. Its been great.
Thanks for all the encouragement peeps. You've been great.

So long Mot. I'll miss you but we have to part and till our paths brings us across each other again ;)


Wow tonight is so full of activites, its allowing me to have many posts!!

Since the pizzas made me full, the flurry of all the blinding pictures and the upset episode of the the missing money...I had another pleasent surprise. Earlier on during her break, cute production girl had given me an sms asking to meet during her next break. She told me she wanted to pass me something.

Ok before that, I just got to find another name for her cause cute production girl is just too long. Haha, will definitely think about it. Anyway after everything...

During her break, she msged me to meet and so I did. What a nice way to make me smile. Giving me something to really smile. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and wow, that really hit me just now for the lips were grining from ear to ear.

She said since its my last day, she wanted to give me someting. And mMmMmMm....

Presenting...


It was from CoffeeBean. I didnt ask what it was. I said thanks and didnt want to stay to long in her area cause its stressful hanging around to many women. Ha. Like I said, I said my thanks and went back to my office. And when I went up to unwrap ..ermm?!? k not unwrap but to open up the takeaway carrier...it was something sweet straight to my heart, or rather stomach.


Yup a brownie. I dont know what brownie but it was good....


It was that good that the crumbs were all over the table. mMmMm...nice and I like. heh. My shift partner is laughing as usual but she blurted out, "Eating cake also can become story ?"

Well whats left to write right ? Cause there can be no other better desire then to fulfill that of my tummy. & its nice and full now. I feel so sleepy. Hah. Oh gosh 3 more hours...

(-_-)...z...Z...z...Z...z...


1st of September. 1st day unemployed is also my last pay day but when I checked my account just now...it just showed a pathetic figure! Argh! my pay has not been credited to me. Give me whats due to me please.

Ah I am so frigging poor!!! Arghhh and my parents are going umrah for 11 days. I am so going to go hungry and unentertained. Oh my, my parents are going to come back to see their son all stick and bones, ONLY. Hey that isnt such a bad thing aite ?

Pay me my dues!!!!

I need the money!!!

Argh this is where my dreams creator company comes in...k show me the $$$...

Oh anyway the amount in my account is just a measly 3 figure sum, cause my mum has stashed away my 5figure savings, wahahah!!! Saving kepe!! Ms.secretary will be laughing at this =P alright 5k is my savings k. The other was a gift from the insurance company. Hahah.

Show me the $$$$$$$$$$