profile.
Ridak & his RollerCoaster
This is his emotional ride.



Reliving
Intresting
Denials
About
K



talk.


Seeking their lights...
Adibah - Lady
Baeyah - jezbiggie
Baitina - tinatino0ot
Baizura - Aiz
Firdaus Jamaludin - lanang
Cha Cha
Haddad
Hafriz
Hurul'Ain - ms.secretary
Haslinah - LadyHackwrench
Liyana Ramli - lynn
Linda Eain - Lynn
Liyana J - LJ
Masnoraffis - lil'un / bond
Nadiah Yusof
Noraini - norot
Nurazima
Nurul Huda - Nunu
Rasyida
Roziemah - Ogy / r0zy
Shasha
Siti Raudhah - Anggunz
Suriana - Yana
Wardah - ms.salad queen / ruzmidah
archives.
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May 2006
June 2006
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August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
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October 2007
February 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
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October 2008
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January 2010
March 2010

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This post will seem like a tribute, heh!

First & foremost, I'd like to wish to a dear brother,
Happy birthday menteri!!! da 25 tahun hari ini ;p haha. Hey you've helped me alot, knowingly or not. The memories we shared have bonded us together with lady byotch & ms.hourglass =) of course not forgetting the rest. Too many to mention. Back to you again, You've helped me alot & i'd like to say to you the same things that you taught me. Things happen for a reason dear menteri. Melayu tetap akan Melayu, takkan beruabah but we will still have our dreams to chase. *Looks at BMW*

haha...not sure if you'll read this before the end of your birthday, but whats the plans tonight ? MOS kepe ;P

Also, not forgetting anoder fren. Sumone I met along time agooo, according to her ;P & now is helping & allowing me to ramble about life to her. Miss R.A.R...with your kind permissioin, I shall call u Divalicious ehehe. Happy 22nd birthday you! Remember what I wrote to you. Don't bury your head in the books the whole day k. IT IS your birthday. Progress Package is there for a reason you know haha :P

Here's another one...
I suddenly rememberd this good lines & would like to share a piece of my history. Please note, these are not my lines, they are part of my forgotten history. The words though are very meaningful. Interpret to your hearts content.





A spur of people have recently asked me, or rather, spoke to me of a certain phrase. The more closer ones would actually know why I really am doing it. Let me say it out now;- Cause it is just 1 way of dividing my attention, & "trying" not to think of a problem.

It goes something like, "Why are you working so hard? Save duit nak kawin ke?"

Normally I would be able to just brush it off but this time...
I answered the normal yup...nak kawin cheekily padahal duit nak kawin da siap. Yet this time, my heart was shouting so loud. "Memang niat begitu. Nak save duit, nak kawin, nak finally show her...that her efforts were not in vain." & I started to tear slowly, maybe cause it was the 4am breeze, or maybe cause the conversation led me to saying, "Kalau jodoh tak ke mana."

I felt so sad. Riding my bike at 4am & conversing about...
That time btw, when I started working like crazy, the 25K wasn't there.


Theres a very fine line between sharing a problem, complaining & whinning. I think I have got them all jumbled up & confused.

Oh my inner voice was debating with me so early this morning. I lost. So now I have to accept that I have a fear of rejection.


I was practically pouring together with the evening showers. My all time emo song finally hit me. It hit me bad this time. Don't even know or understand why I stupidly chose to play it by the way. Must have forgotten how much that song really meant. Cause its hurting real bad. It hurt in 96. It hurt in 2002. Now 2006 its hurting me real hard.
*WHAM!*

Yah, even though the lyrics aren't so on the target now, but its jus it. I just don't know how to describe it. Its just it. Dammit. I have found myself in this cycle thrice. What da hell am I not doing rite!!

The mind is trying to strike peace, though the heart wrenches. Let there be peace, for war is useless. Let the promise be upheld. I'll suffer in silence. You know that, like I've always done.

* the voices are evil *

Its getting harder & harder to smile...


Izinkan diriku meluahkan rasa
Maafkanlah aku andai kau terasa
Biar kupaparkan apa yang terjadi
Moga engkau tak ulangi

Sungguh tak kusangka
kau berpaling tadah
Setelah lamanya menjalinkan cinta
Dalam diam-diam kau sudah berpunya
Tanpa aku menyedari semuanya

Aku mendoakan agar kau bahagia
Bersama si dia insan yang kau suka
Percintaan kita tak sampai ke mana
Setakat di bibir saja sayang

Kau bina mahligai dari air mata
Yang jatuh berderai di wajah sepiku
Hancurnya hatiku bisa tak terkata
Terhumban rasa diriku

Oh aduhai ku masih ingati
Janji manis dan saat romantis
Kau pintaku supaya setia
Akhirnya kau yang berubah

Oh tuhanku tabahkan hatiku
Temukan ku dengan ketenangan
Jiwa ini dibelasah rindu tetapi apa dayaku

Kucuba pejam mata tapi tak terlena
Kerana ku masih teringat padamu
Begitu payahnya nak ku melupakan
Pernahkah engkau fikirkan oh sayang...

- Mahligai Mu Dari Airmata Ku -
- Lestari -


Yesterday...
I counted 3. Yes 3. 3 meals in 1 day...The first time since depression began 4 weeks ago. I didn' even had 3 meals on my birthday. Yesterday was the start it seems. I'm slowly moving back along with society, I think. Or is it due to the fact that I need more energy ?

I've been venting out my energy on excercises. Pull ups, crunches & squats. Still no running heh. Maybe thats why I've started to be hungry. 3 meals a day, wow. Can't remember the last time I ate that much. If my memory serves me well, it was 2am+ mee siam. 7am+ nasi lemak & 8pm+ nasi ayam. Yup that was my menu. Today i only had breakfast at 8am+. Don't know if it will continue. Still need to burn those frust energy...


Ignorance is Bliss.

Gosh I wish I was that ignorant, for now its hurting me more. This is so frustrating. Driving me up the wall. Driving me bonkers. Help sumone! Help! Where's my guardian angel when i need you?

Please will you just help me get up?? (-_-) Wake me up from this evil nightmare.

Knowing that you are there...yet you are not there.
Knowing as if un-knowingly, & she told me...
"dont torture urself"
...What can I do. What must I do...

I tried to give you everything when I had none. That alone gave me everything. Then when I had some, I gave you most. When I had none again, I forgot to gave you all...to give you all. Cause by giving you all, it gave me hope. It gave me light. You were my light at the end of the darkness.

You understood that. You gave me all when I had none. It was a perfect reciprocation.

Then when I had some again, trying to give you most & then all...once more.
You're no longer...Just no longer there.


There is a very STARK difference between hope & expectation. A valuable lesson I'm under going at this vey moment. But what I'm going through is of course something very different to what the whole nation is expecting & quietly hoping for right now.

Hope is defined as;
- to cherish a desire with anticipation
The type of hope which, at least, I think is good cause thats what all I have. Thats all I'm holding to on now. This past week has been all about hope. But beware that hope doesn't lead to something else, as hope is also defined as;
- to desire with expectation of obtainment

Now what does expectation mean. Its already a symptom. A very bad one which all leads, points & shows to un-finished business. By the way expectation is defined as;
- the state or act of anticipation

Both are acts of anticipation. Hope brings miracles. Expectations brings misery. From what I have percieved - hope is good, healthy even. Expectations on the other hand is essentially good, but it can kill! Especially relationships & friendships.

So u all know whats killing me eiy. =(
Please let it just be hope. Don't let me suffer in silence, in oblivion. Don't allow me to ramble on in cyberspace.

This past whole week, I've just been losing myself in alot of songs, to the extent of drowning even. Some wonderful lyrics just tend to make me stone. And if it wasn't for the environment & situation, I certainly would have drowned if not for restraining my emotions.

On a lighter note, my right knee feels like its going to let go any minute now. My right hip feels like its going to pop out again....any minute now. Only my shoulder seems the strongest. I can even do pull ups again. 8!! But still no running unless I purposely want to land in hospital with a dislocated hip & torn knee ligament again.

I really miss you alot.


Life is slow now. It is so, so slow at the moment. I don't know how much slower time can be. Almost on a standstill. Its like the baby terrapin crossing the TPE is much faster than a day of my life now. The only thing fast ?

- the depletion of my savings account -

I can almost hear it on 1st May.
*teet*teet*
Progress Package is in.
*teet*teet*
Progress Package is gone.
Ka-Ching!!!

Was online with bro.CheenaEyes from brisbane when outta the blue, my fingers typed







I've lost abit of the original spirit to blog. Heck even felt like closing this place down, for a while. I've been too damn down maybe. Been trying to hard to get out of rockbottom central, that its tiring me out. Too damn tired.

I overheard this on the radio today (yesh, I listen to the radio nowadays) and felt so damn lucky! Its been 20years since the Chernobyl disaster. I feel real lucky that our country's risk of such disasters, be it to nature or humans are at the bare minimum. The peaceful humanity & tranquility that we experience also, just to what do we owe our dear country ? Ah, with the oncoming elections, go figure for yourself.

I guess I was to soaked up in my depression that I've forgotten the lil wonderful things in life thats up for offer. I must remain an optimist. I must not be sucked into the douldrums of depression. I must move on...

Yet I'm still having sleepless days, which last 3 - 4 days after which I'll be sleeping myself silly for a whole day, or 2. I dont know whats worse, thinking about her when I'm awake or dreaming & missing her when I'm asleep (yesh, i dream more nowadays).

When I'm not rotting at home, I'm crazily spending =(. I'm back to my bad habits. Last week alone, I spent nearly $700. If not for my mum, I'll be kissing away my 25K goodbye. Thanx ma. Oh she still hasn't known. Still she's asking about her. I can't bear to see the look on her face, to break the news. The fact is I've still not fully accepted it. If I'm not strong enough to accept it, how am i suppose to tell the oldies, with calmness. They had already started to accept YOU, you know!

Its strange how all the vices are piling up on me now. Weird that ciggies, the devils' piss, gambling & even sex has been laid out all infront of me, for the taking. If I was any weaker, I would have drown in all those sins but I keep thinking about her. I can't bear the thoughts on how she'll react. I really don't even know why I'm thinking like this. Why again am I bothering with what she would think. Its so, so sad now my life.

1 of my dear frens told me to keep on fighting the war, strangely. Lets call her, ermm, mrs.primary senior. Shes happily married to Brother FireFighter & they're expecting their first child in June/July, I think. Back to what she said btw, she reminded me not to lose the battle, again. Not to let my past history repeat itself. Cause if I don't fight for this, my brainwaves may well be playing a replay of videos - just that the video won't be starring my 1st ex on the dias =(






...will always appriciate the things i have learnt from u.
Thank u


I guess this will sum up best what I've felt in April this year. From the earlier days of the depression, the words were coined. Fine tuned to perfection I tried, for your eyes to feel & your heart to read.





Its strange when the one you hold so dear says words that pierce right tru'
especially since u know she still has a tinge of 'care fr u' in her. Acknowledged abit of facts that this is definietly dolat/karma. What goes around comes around. I had always believed that & now its hitting me like a ton of bricks being swayed from 10m far. Wham!

She told me that i was a learning phase. I was somtething that happened in her life for a gd reason, coz if not fr me, she wud neva have appriciate her bf now :( strangely, tink dats da same line 3yrs ago. I dunnoe. my memory is losing me. Things happen for a reason & there are always blessings in disguise. that was wat our relatioinship had always taught me, coz ours was always threading on a fine line of blured-ness.We were totally the exact opposite of each other, yet fate brought us together & we fell madly in love. Yesh i was madly n deeply in love with her. I was blinded by eerything around me. Everything seemed to passby so easily with her. I could see no wrong of hers. i was the happiest man alive.

Nowadays, shes juz tellin me to move on. Asking me to tink of all her bad pts. she seys it wud be easier. been trying to. I dunnoe. the onli things i remember now which cracked us apart, was ironically our differences. we both started to point each others' mistake. me to her n she to me. now i recall, she didnt use to like my dressin, said it was too sloppy, didnt like my old t-shirts which had small holes in them, nor the matching holey jeans. she didnt like it that i didnt gel my hair so much, nor that i was the type to just blurt out all my inate feelings. Yah these were the stuff that made arguements. Dont judge me wrong, I found faults in her too, but its not gd to badmouth a person. ha! oh well...

with all these images n memory coming back, still so strange that i find myslf pulled so much deeper into her. i still do love her. i juz neva admitted it till it was too late. There was a period of time when she was there for me everyday, & I SO SO APPRICIATED THAT, yet my ego was too big for me to blurt out those magical werds she wanted so much to hear. SHe has taught me alot of stuff, one of which is to be more expressive, yet be subtle in expressing it. for that i have to thank u so much. for all the feelings that are still deep down inside me, I sumhow am startin to understand. To love sum1 is to let dem go, for if they return they were truly meant to be urs. I was meant to be hers, but i didnt sey it. mayb, juz mayb...

I rememember she once said of gg away, hoping dat mayb in 2yrs time if were both still single, den mayb...

Now i m juz able to hold to dat. HOPE brings a whole new meaning now.

For all that u've given to me, dou' its to late, ive finally cherished it. all those moments bside me at the hospital, i shud have said it. =( im sori. n now dat uve move on n seem to b hepi, i truly am, from the bottom of my heart, hepi fr u.3

*Only the 4th drop...

Bah! im bein so emotional at dis hour =(


Stumbled on my neanderthal blog from multiply.
There's this "thing" which i penned back then,
relevant then; more relevant now than ever.
Pardon the pun.

Motorola L7 & Nokia 3230. Both are 2,5G phones, now why tell feedback me which is nicer, sleeker & takes a better photo ;P

On a lighter note, there still is contact, though no wish. siGh* Something is better then nothing right ?

3 out of my 4 years in Dunman, I had recieved history classes from Mrs.Azli. The only thing which never came with those classes is how history can hit us again if we don't learn from then.

I'm in a repetitive viscous cycle. The one that will repeat, repeat and hit you hard wheather u notice or not. Much kinda like a hurricane. You can prepare and prepare as much as you want but when the time actually comes, Wham! It will just hit you.

This is the same old feeling. More than 3 years + ago that i had this feelings. And with these feelings are the same repetitve stuff which i cant control myself. Back then, I had just started delivering pizzas, earning my own cash when i fell into the douldroms of depression. I splurged on my bike, the original "Rose," indulged in not 1...but 2 handphones, lost almost everything which i had saved since a little child. Everthing was a mess, till I met her...

And now...

A mentor once told me that no matter how good a person is, they will always be in a cycle of events till they do something right. If we are meant to do something right, then events wont move for us till we do and the cycle will just repeat.

I have been trying to move on but its getting harder by the day. Rotted the whole day of 18th. Slept for a crazy 17hours. CRAZY! Woke up just in time for work, if not...ha! The events soon after though is a special first feeling.

6 years on, 5 bikes later is the first time that i fulfilled a wonderful dream. I had always watched MotoGP as child, dreaming to be then Wayne Rainey, Kevin Shwartz, Doohan & even Kenny Roberts Jr. I took my first step finally into a track circuit. The Johor circuit or otherwise known as Pasir Gudang. The feeling into the arena was humongous. Nevermind the rundown grandstand, the small pitlanes or the naturally overgrowing vegetations, it was just unbelievable. I wish she was there with me, to experience it.

The trip was courtesy of Sgt hotstuff & his mates. There they were zooming & whizzing past the straight as I watched in awe. Yes I was watching, I wasn't racing. The caring mum somehow disapproved so a watching feeling is better then no feeling. All this excitement was continued straight after my night shift so I was like in a starstruck environment. The ride home was to be another great experience.

All in all there were 11 bikes that headed up. Going back only 7 stuck together. Ninja6, Srad6, Fireblade400, 2 Super4, KR150 & me R1. We headed back home using the 2nd link and as soon as we hit the toll highway, the Ninja6 and Srad6 zoomed off & surged ahead. In my frustration, depression and what not feelings, Emotions got the better of me. Pushed my bike & myself to limits I've never met. The last glance i got was 268km/h and still accelerating on...Only to be slowed down by vehicles. 268km/h woah! What a rush! Strangely, she was there in my heart & mind.

Which just goes to show, that no matter how much I try to move on, this will be my stumbling block for now. I still feel like a fool, who was outplayed by my own game. Caught like a silly spider in its own web!

...Im looking at my new Motorola L7. Still have yet to use it. Strange. A weird feeling thats all to familiar. Just hope I splurge carefully on the FullFace, Gloves, Boot & tracksuit when i get the green light. Ha! wait for the pics people.


"In the end,
everything turned out like how it was supposed to be..."

I had started this blog with the intend to blurt out all my inner feelings. All those unsaid words, the mixed emotions nobody ever knew about. What i have learned from this blogging experience so far, is that peoples opinion of me have been true.

I am not the person i thought i was in all their eyes. I still am unable to relate to many things that cloud, that choke up & those tiny lil things that juz amaze us in our brains. I really truly understand what she once told me =( that I really must learn to be more expressive. Well I hope I have started at least, cause these are the rantlings of a broken down man. A man who has lost love because of his stupidity & his blind heart. This is also the man that has...

*unspoken words that are choked up*

On a lighter note, i did not completely rot in bed the whole day on 17th.
Instead i rotted at home for the whole of 18th...ha!

I had mixed feelings the afternoon of 17th when my old man told me that we would possibly not be having family dinner. THE DINNER I OFFERED TO PAY. The silly old excuse that the car was at the workshop *duH* So in i went back into my room sulking, really2 thinking that i would be rotting.

After maghrib though, a convoy of 3 bikes headed to Chai Chee restaurant. *a small smurk*
The oldies chose to ride the CBR150. My 1st sister happily rode my -ex- "diana". And me..of course I was on my "Rose no2." with the happy last sister being only the 3rd person i pillioned. It was ok la..the meal & everything. It made me eat. The first time in 3 weeks, since the depression, that i had 2 meals in a day. Imagine that, 2nd meal in a day - the first time in 3 weeks. woah! I had really lost weight =(

Back home, I was waiting & waiting...and even more waiting. The seconds ticked till the minutes. The minutes became quarters, to the halves and finally the hours. It was 3 more hours to the end and yet =( that wish had yet to come. =(

The lepak boyz were meeting up, thanx to mr.teacher, our dear organiser constantly. Of course I had to remind him that it was my birthday before the meet up was confirmed. *quiet laugh*
The same familiar faces, as always. Mr.Teacher, SGT hotstuff, the bouncer, badboy sardine & of course me. mat China & abg chindian wasn't there, but had met them last friday...so it was okay. The old laughs, the jokes, it was all there again...all so familiar. Something somehow cropped up. Something different this time, it started as always with which of us guys would finally tie the know...haha ( i can imagine my miss. secretary laughing at reading this) but the it started to lead to
"Oh we gotta save money now",
"When will we have children",
"Must start saving now",
and the likes & so on. Strangely enough $$ was now an issue. Maybe hey its my fault since i blurted out the fact I already had 25K in my account ;P ..so the guys maybe were really starting to think about how much weddings cost nowadays.

Did u know,
u can get a budget malay wedding for around 10K. That is if you guys are lucky to get a future mum-in-law that agrees to hantaran 5K which so so so rare nowadays. hah. Well thats just a sneak to the Lepak Boyz. Good since 95 ;) or should i say 98 ? since that was the year most of us bonded & gel'd and the good old name pop up. Remember still our theme song from Offspring ?

God, that was so long ago...

Hey! Hey! As I'm writing this, a happy package just drop in, literaly into the office.
My new handphone... *forces a smile*
But Im sure you guys won't be intrested in this piece of news =P



Happy 24th birthday ME! Happy waiting by the bed, happy rotting by myself today! In case some can't guess, the above is my room where i've spent the whole morning & afternoon of my birthday. Oh the traces of what i've uncovered...

I've been going tru' alot, reminicing on my past,
on the last 3 years especially =(
most of which was spent with her...dare even I say all?

Scurrying around, I found bits & pieces all over my room where I see her, I feel her but its just not the same cause I am so in pain when thinking of her that I forget she could be hurting too?? like me ?? well its not that i forget but it seems she hides it so well? or has she really moved on ?

The menteri wished me well,
"Jangan tunggu..tak guna..makin tunggu makin ko mengharap.4get abt it.mebbe dia da betul2 berubah.its not worth it "
but I find it so hard & can't just move on like that ...can I ??








Pada hari yang mulia lagi sempurna ini, titik permulaan tulisan dalam bahasa ibunda ku sudah pun bersua. Ku telah bermula sedar diri atas kesedihan yang telah ku mengalami sekian lama. Hanya padamu ku boleh berserah diri & memohan segala-gala nya.
Di sebab itu, terlintas terus ayat2 suci yg tersebut;




On this Gregorian date 24 years ago, a certain heart beat acknowledge;




The begining should always start well, so its a good choice i believe.
something in line with the blood that is flowing in our veins,
Just as our blood, the blood that unites mankind
the richness it potrays to many and the vast interpretations it can have.

I have actually begun, and after many hours of configurations, I have settled with this skin, for the moment.
(I seem to have totally forgotten html scripting! ha!) Please bear while heavy construction is in process *grins*

I've been taking bitter sweet medicine in these bad times. FOR...
I have been in depression (yes it is good to know that you hav a problem) ...a very bad time of my life,
that within these 2 weeks have given me the time to reflect back on how foolish i was.
the stupidity that i possess is akin to a thief,
a moronic bumbling burglar who steals candy from a baby in front of the state bank, which was next to the police station btw.
I had the RICHESS. I was juz to foolish, stupid & even blind to realise it
=(

The richness of love, Ah! no one care ever truly define how this feels.
Simplistic words that we can utter from our lips are non compared to the warmth that these feeling provide.
The true is also for its reverse, as the excrutiang pain when one goes down,
down to the pitfalls where love hurts!
Truth is love hurts. ok now...lets talk worldly love.
When one experiences the pureness of love & then topples down into depression due to love,
it churns out 1 word.

Regret.

Regret.
I once heard that regret is good, as it allows us for self reflection.
Oh!A plenty i have had, & oh my what history have I stumbled upon.
The timing of this learing curve could not have been more perfect, dare i say...
You see, I am going to "celebrate" my 24th birthdae this Monday -shrugs-
The 1 day in a year where we are to be carefree as we have gained wisdom tru' the learnings of the year & look upon the luck that we wish to ride upon the coming year.
But hoping to live in the contentness of the past year,
I am regretting the one lost love that I am now definietly certain of.
"We never really know what we have lost till its gone."
Guess this can only be a passing advice to those who have yet to experience the cruelty that the line posseses.
-BIG SHRUGS-

Only you, you know this feeling, and you know u can cure it.
dearest, I MISS U so.