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Ridak & his RollerCoaster
This is his emotional ride.



Reliving
Intresting
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About
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Seeking their lights...
Adibah - Lady
Baeyah - jezbiggie
Baitina - tinatino0ot
Baizura - Aiz
Firdaus Jamaludin - lanang
Cha Cha
Haddad
Hafriz
Hurul'Ain - ms.secretary
Haslinah - LadyHackwrench
Liyana Ramli - lynn
Linda Eain - Lynn
Liyana J - LJ
Masnoraffis - lil'un / bond
Nadiah Yusof
Noraini - norot
Nurazima
Nurul Huda - Nunu
Rasyida
Roziemah - Ogy / r0zy
Shasha
Siti Raudhah - Anggunz
Suriana - Yana
Wardah - ms.salad queen / ruzmidah
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As the seconds turn to minutes and finally into hours, I find it totally damn SLOW today. Ahh the minutes are so ticking anguishingly SELOW. Ha pardon the caps and spelling.

Its so slow that I got Liya to call her bf to send food. Liya is like the only other malay in the office now. There was Kak Asmah but she transfered departments already. Anyway so we are close and talk often and I see her cry arguing with her bf on the hp all the time. Haha. So the bf is a pizza rider in AMK, and I got him to send over some food as a small feast for us on our last day ;)


The food arrived and naturally I was the first to feast on it. With pictures too...Haha!


Oh what a feast. Thanx yah Liya's bf. Ha. And as a token of appreciation Ive taken some photos with your gf ;P wahaha. She told me not to take too close a photos cause he will kill her. tsk3 possesive bf!! haha.


Oh she looks like mixed. If you think shes pretty, well she was a ms.NTU finalist some years back. Well at least thats what she told me. Dont be fooled by her demour and cute outlook, she rides a Super4 mind you. Think thats what bonded us during my time here, that we could talk about bikes. Yah so tonights probably the last I'll meet her cause of her super possesive bf. haha. Helu Fizil if you're reading this =P (which i doubt you dont)

K next, meet the girl who always laughs at all my entries in blogspot. Yah. She laughing now and she just hit me. Ha. Shes my shift partner. Yesh my one and only...ta-dah


Ah there she is, forever doing all the work. Haha. Oh I am having such a laugh writing this post today.


Okay so before the start of the shift, we had taken photos with the day team. So my shift partner, Thiri (shes a myanmar national), is in the long sleeve. We took the photo with the day shift tech and the Data processing supervisor. Oh the DP sup, Jenn, still looks young and chic though shes a mum of 2 lovely kids.


Okay so these are all the happy faces that have been retrenched by Motorola. Haha. We are on our last day....wheeeeee =P


This is the only other malay guy in my department. Thiri just commented on the photo that, "this is the 2 most eligible bachelors in Motorola" shes laughing all the way now.


Oh here is the production area where we always have to solve mysterious problems that arise. Ha. I always take the oppurtunity to 'cuci mata' with all the production ladies. Yah!!!

Oh some of the other girls in the night shift that always accompany and bare with my nonsense. Hah they are so going to miss the rowdy voice of mine =p cause theres not going to be anymore men in the nightshift (at least not in my office) for some time.


Dont you just love being the only GUY in the office. Haha.

Oh the one that I always tease is call WW & she was sweet enough to give me something to away with. WW gave me a hp strap for my L7. No wonder she wanted to see my hp prior to giving me the gift. Come, I show...


Nice right ? Heh anyway remember the time I was rambling on whats the big deal with chinese women ? hah this is her...WW...come see for yourself...


Okay ar ? Hahaha...oh well...

Oh I took so much time writing this and uploading the pics that its already 1st Sept. I am officially retrenched and unemployed!! haha.

K anyway happy teachers' day mama. Love yu.
Happy teachers' day to all the moulders of the future.


1 hour down...

11 more hours to go till I am officially unemployed. This is my last day here at Hello Stupid Handphone. Wahaha. For those of you who still dont know where my employment status is, I am at Motorola Electronics Factory. Ok that statement shall cease to be meaningless in erm 11 hours. Haha.

Ok...back to work, or rather the lack of it =P


After what I saw, after what I read, it just doesnt make logical sense for me no more to continue to try to wait it out. The only sense now is the emotional sense. I cant stand it no more. Emotionally I am already a burst balloon. In all honesty, I am happy for her, how she writes and post pictures of her new life. How shes settling in and my guess is shes staying there for some time to work after she grads. Thats just a hunch from knowing her character.

So it doesnt make logical sense no more. Only emotional sense. I am happy that shes cooking, that shes very domestically inclined now. I haven't interacted with her in ages. Just now, I just let slipped my urge to comment on her portal. Even that, I dont know if she would approve it. We have not interacted for so long but I can sense her maturity ever since.

No sense no more. Please learn and just ...dont look back no more okay ?

Just sense. Plain common sense, with the logic and emotions out of the equation. Just plain common sense.

Sense.


Something is wrong with my body works now...definitely, and it can only be explained by...

When your body has been predominantly non active for long periods of time, a sudden surge in activites ie; strenous cardio vascular workout, would definietly put a strain on the body's muscular system.

Say now that this person has not pushed his body beyond the limit for around 1 year, like me, he is most likely to encounter and experience pain and aches when he pushes his body beyond the normal limits. In excercise terms, there is a certain threshold that all of us have, and until we push and break this limit our stamina and strength would not increase.

Today I definietly pushed way beyond my threshold for running. Though excercise is good for the body, this once in a while type of excercises should not be pushed. For it will only make our body weaker and lower our immunity system. Funny huh how excercise can at an instant lower our immune system. Of course, pro long excercise would definitely increase our bodily strength and not to mention immune system and stamina.

So this explain why my nose has been leaking all this while I'm at work tonight. It has been leaking non stop I tell you and at a rate which is totally going to power any generator meant for more than 1000 people, period. Ha.

I am so weak. The air con does not help and did I mention the nose leaking is a nuisance. Argh...


Oh my the after effects. The legs have been wobbly ever since, the shoulder needs oiling and fine tuning, the body is aching all over and dont even let me get to the knees.

So much so for 5 against 1. tsk3...
need more running to prevent 5 against 1.

Haha. Great just great. Think I'll run again when I have the chance.

zZzZz (-_-)


I ran my heart out just now. My what a damn good feeling. I cant remember when was the last time I actually ran. Most probably was when I was still donning the colours of the force. Just now though I ran for the sake of running and to let out some much vented steam in me.

It was refreshing. The morning dew still fresh in the air that I was breathing in, panthing of course. The run help to release some much needed emotions outta me. It also helped to clear my mind of plenty of negativity that had clouded me all night long.

The only setback from the run is the pain in my knee. Yup it showed up its ugly head the pain but it was only temporary I think. By the time I reach da 300++ area, the pain had slowly subsided and dissapeared. Either that or I was just ignoring it so much till the pain numbed and I couldnt feel it, Ha. Either way, I was running smoothly...all the way till my alma matter.

Ah...Dunman secondary. I actually ran till I reached Dunman till which I just walked around the compund mesmerized by all the love/hate memories I have of that place. It was still very much dark when I was circling the compund. I could try to recall each place that I passed with any form of memory I had. A funny feeling too when I passed the 'new' building extension. It wasnt ready when I graduated back in 98 but it was slowly being filled up by the early birds chatting in their classrooms.

As I passed by the side where my class used to be, I saw that the teachers' room had been relocated to the ground floor of that side. And I looked up, and there it was the room where I studied for my O's. Soon enough I had walked and reached back the busstop from which I continued my run home.

It seemed further when I wanted to run back, even though I took the shorter route. Now, its much brighter...more cars meaning more smoke from the exhausts systems too. I ran and ran...releasing more sweat and emotions in a long time and finally I saw Street11.

I had already told myself I would run my heart out, at my fastest or at least fastest stride..and definietly I did. I ran as fast as my short legs could go. I ran and ran and when I almost wanted to give up, I pushed myself more for the women in my life. They were swirling around in my head, remember...emotions and all. So I pushed...and made it that extra bit more. That definitely released more emotions and stress.

*phew*

Oh my and the endorphins released from the morning jog is starting to kick in. Ha. My oh My...


Everything is so blurry right now. It really is. It doesnt't help that I slept the whole time the sun was up today. & so I think I am going to be spending the whole night up, doing what also wouldn't know.

Crossroads, transitions...yah I'm all about that now. Its been a real rollercoaster ride these past few months. Everytime I think it is settling down, things will just take a turn and a very sharp turn at that. Sometimes its a very good turn but rather surprising but pleasent. Though its good, it escalated my life into states beyond my control and soon after it drops back to the transitional mode it was before.

Mostly though all the turns were for the worst. Very very unpleasent and totally shocking, though I must say some were rather expected.

Now again, the transitional mode that I am in is in a constant blurry mode overshadowed by the constant thick fog that presides together, for they come as a pair.

I don't know what could be worst at the moment. I don't know if landing a job at a top notch MNC now will do me good. I don't know if just staying home all day will do me good. I don' really know what will do me good.

For all that I know, nothing is really really good. Only after the excitement and pleasent surge of emotions, not to mention the great uphill ascend that has descended, would I realise that something good has hit me and its gone. Gone down the drain for me to just antogonise at.

Theres something that has been missing these past few days. Am not really sure if its good but the production girl has gone quiet in my life. Ha. I dont know if it was, or still is a good idea but I told her off on trying to know all my movements. And then all went quiet. Maybe it is reiterated by another lady, the nurse, when she was surprised my sms. She replied later saying it was a surprise for it seems that I dont sms if she doesnt first. The uprising continued with the airport girl also telling me how come I dont sms her or call. Ha.

Another time. Ha.

I aint quite sure what the next step would be. I really aint sure.

Oh anyway yesterday was very grand at Farrah's wedding. And I really mean grand. The dias was like...Oh my...I told my mum abt the hugeness of the dias. She passed it off easily,"Rasa2 kau nye 30k tak cukup. Ko kena save lagi 20k k?" Haha. She really wants me to get married. I told her nicely that if she really wanted me to get married soon, she should just find someone for me. I just reminded her, who would want an unemployed 24year old.

She shook her head telling me she doesn't want to be blamed for anything in the future. Ha. Mak oh Mak. I may whine and complain and make noise about the choices that you've made for us kids but I've always told you that I am completely happy (minus some misunderstandings ;P) at how you've brought us kids up. You parents have done a good job, its just left for us kids to choose to continue the good teachings. So I am perfectly fine if you were to choose anyone for me. Of course, mata musti nak sedap dipandang la =)

Yah...I've always been wanting to please my mum when choosing woman in my life. Ha. Even telling mum about the ladies that I go out with. Some she will just give her melancholic face, most she will shake her head with disapproval initially. Hah. Almost all the time, I can differentiate who she likes and who she doesnt.

Ha...oh well... whats past is past.

I don't wish to reminiscent further into the past. I'll just end up being more emotional and not be able to sleep tonight.

Oh...to ms.secretary, salam takziah ku kepada mu. Byk2 la bersabar.


I had a terrible dream, or should I call it a nightmare.

I was on my Rose and I had the biggest gigantic crash ever. It was even worst then my crash with my SRAD750. I remember somehow that I got up from that crash unscathed but poor Rose was so badly damaged. I can still remember it clearly how I crashed. It was similar to my Pasir Gudang crash at Turn3 but this was on a Singapore road and no surprises that the crash involved another TAXI!!

Argh! I am in a lost now...should I go on and proceed with today's plans ? maybe I should go out with ezliana. Leave Rose at home. Yah maybe.

Urgh...the very rememberance of my nightmare. Its all coupling together with my worst crashes ever. Turn3, Turn6, Eunos, PIE Paya Lebar, PIE Thomson...Oh man!!!

I should go get myself a car...
Then again I shoulf find myself a job first =(


I am really sick and tired of the mundane parts of my life. The parts of my life where I do nothing but sit around and wait. We just dont get anything by sitting around and waiting for things to happen. But then when again, I tried to make things happen...things just fall flat on the ground for me. It is in a mundane kinda way, flat on the ground my face.

Saturday afternoon was spent sleeping. So a familiar routine is returning ar...siGh*


This is just a space...
This is just a space...
This is just a space...

& this is my space mind you. I have every right to do what I want with it. OK peace out.


In the past 48 hours, I have talked...& I mean literally talked to myself more times than I have talked to 'real' people. The type of talking where actual words are uttered and people can hear them, if ever any around. For these worde are/were spoken and not only in the brain. For in the past 48 hours I have really lost count of the number of debates and topics I have spoken to myself about.

I am on the verge of losing myself, my mind and my consciousness.

I have been awake since 24th August 430pm++. Ever since which I have been unable to shut my eyes and lay my tired body to rest. I have touched on so many topics. I really want a recorder with me everytime so as to be able to record all the thoughts and debates that I have with myself. They range far and wide. Mostly though they are emotional issues ...of course.

I need help. I need professional help...

Therapist RIDAK: *appears out of no where* How can I help you
Me: Great *slaps forehead* here we go again...
Therapist RIDAK: I thought you called for help ??
Me: REALLY....HELP!!!

Please let it all go away...

Therapist RIDAK: I am able to read your mind you know. I saw those words in the thought bubble above you. The only advise I can have for you is to be calm and find a reason to motivate yourself UP to your best.

I see the therapist suddenly shimmering in bodily waves as he dissapears just like in the movies. So can you see the state that I am in.

ah here it comes again...

So why must I put myself in such torture and besiege myself with all the pain. Why must I be in such a manner that compels others to offer a helping hand. I am grateful for those many a hands but thats not what I am ultimately searching for. What I need now is emotional stability. What I need now is the dissapearance of my physical pain. What I need now is life achievement & success, things which are tangible enough to display to all those that has mocked me. For the most important is the assets for me to show my parents. What I need now too is just a place of solace in the form of a heart, just that who's heart is anybodys guess right now.

ARGH!

Oh did I mention that my parents are going umrah next week. Praises of Allah to them dan semoga selamat pergi dan selamat kembali. I am going to be parent-less from 3rd Sept - 11th Sept. Guess whos going to be master of the house. Bleargh =( me of course. I am so going to miss them. For I am lost without their guidance...

Therapist RIDAK!!! Show yourself!!!!

Great...now he doesnt appear!!!

ARGH!!!

Just let me say goodbye to all ...ok ? & dont question why I am saying goodbye and who the all are. For I will just spurn up a quick tale to suit your liking, I think.

Alright...Goodbye all!!


The sunset that I fell asleep to was absolutely astounding. It was definietly helped by the quiet whistling of the winds that bouyed my heavy eyes shut close.

Oh how my damn fragile ego is asking to be stroked so patiently.

I have 1 week, just 1 week before 1 chapter in my life closes. And I have yet still to find the pages to the next chapter. I am starting feel lost and desperate. And I really mean lost and desperate.

Its close similarity in situations, this chapter of life, to my previous chapter is undoubtedly and highly questionable. Its just making me fall down for a while before I am to rise higher than I ever achieved.

---------------------------------------------------
I am asking myself this question lately...am I ready for the next step ? And I answer to myself many2 times. I am definietly not ready. I dont want to rush into another relationship. I am sad, true, but I am living life the single and happy way. I am jussssssssssst about ready enough to take what life has in store for me, but just not concerning relationships.

Why ? Because I am feeling locked down. The disparities and similarites in feelings are something which I know very well. I am not really liking having some girl calling me 3 - 4 times a day. I am not liking that she ask what I am doing every 5 minutes of an hour. I am not liking that she requests to meet every other day. Nope...I am not liking it simply because I am not ready for that next step.

I am still coping to grips with my singlehood so dont lock me down in chains and cuffs, and no! Pouting or showing unpleasent emotions doesnt move me. I may find that you are cute. I may have made the first move to smile at you, but I am sorry. I dont wish to hurt or toy with your feelings, for I am not ready to take what you have taken to the next level. Holding my hand when we cross the road doesnt mean much either, I am sorry.

I'd rather hurt you here now than have to go through another long cycle in which ultimately both of us could get hurt. You ask of the what ifs, and I will just say thay are what ifs. I am not ready and I am being assertive as well as kind here. I still do reply your msgs, still do pick up your calls. Please understand though, that I am pretty comfortable where we are. Again no, I dont wish to go to the next level.

It always boils down to just a memory that I have of ...her

Now just lemme runaway to my flying castles of thoughts and enjoy the sup tulang and ECP sunset once again. Thank you very much.

PS; I remember what my dad had taught me early on when I was growing up as a teenager...Never toy with girls' feelings. "Jangan mempermainkan dan menzalimi wanita." Thank you Abah. Though I remember it late, it still has come in handy.


A hot plate of Sup Tulang always helps. A relaxing afternoon enjoying the windy sea breeze at my favourite spot at ECP also helps. It was so enjoyable that with a full tummy I actually fell asleep with the wind in my face. For a good 2 hours too, you could find me asleep on a bench in ECP.

It helps when me when feeling a lil down the above. It really helped. I think I am tired of writing one too many encrypted post. I am tired. I am down.

I need another dose of Sup Tulang and ECP again.


The more of it I saw, the sadder I became...

Why am I even being bothered by what I see & by what people tell me ?? And so it seems that I have yet to pass that stage, no not yet. I still am reeling in from dire effects of non communication. I have yet to let go of the etches and scribbles on my mind.

Au contradictions...I want both...to be able to let go and be free and yet have pleasing memories to go along with me. That ultimate juggling act and balance is almost to difficult for me at the moment. Something which I am unable to distinguish properly.

I want to let go. I have been trying, periodically. 1 thing is for sure, I am no longer on the rebound. Something about rebounds always make you like them easily, always makes you want to know them or always gives you a sense of false comfort. cause you always seem to think that they are the replacement to whom you long for. I went through this phase already. Now I can safely say, that even though I am missing her...I hav moved from the rebound stage.

I say this as I have a different form of feeling now. Especially when I go out with girls. I dont have a sense of yearning to meet that 1 particular person only, anymore. I can even have that nuetral feeling when going out with several girls. But the definite confirmation I can get about me not having rebounds is that I can feel repulsed with the women I go out with. I am already choosy and not just settling for any pretty (or rather un-pretty) face that comes along. I am already more into trying to uderstanding the characters that suit me.

Yah so that is at least a reprise. A burden off my chest. I can reject girls again *chuckles* Haha in a manner in which I think I know who is right for me or not. I am able to choose my dates more carefully now. That is my only solitude for now...

That is of course, until...

The more of it I saw, the sadder I became...


I have 9 days more before I am officially unempolyed. And thats 6 more working days for me. As a sign of gratitude from my manager, he threw a getaway dinner. Quite early but it was for the best of everyone, since a colleague of mine is going reservist next week. Poor him, going to be unemployed too, going for reservist in a 'chong-sua' unit and he told me he is in no mood to look for a job.

Finally I saw almost everyone. 1 engineer did not make it as he had to pick some distant relative from france who was visiting, I think. Hah. Well, I dont know if I want to post pics but we will see la.

Pleasently though, they presented us with best wishes gifts. Something as a token to remind us of this workplace. A very nice keychain =) with our names.

Ain't they sweet ;P

Back & front. You decide la which is front, which is back.


Oh even the gift box is nice. Ha. Its going to be sad to leave this place. Sometimes they say all good things must come to an end. But I beg to differ sometimes. This good thing ends only because I will go on to achieve better and greater things, InsyaAllah ;) Please God, do let it come true.


Oh just to show the number of people they released from my department alone. Yah its that many, and thats just from my department. Can you imagine my department now is crippled as you are seeing almost half the strength being released. Oh well...

Whats life without moving on eiy ;p
Righttt...


Choices...Choices...Choices
What are the future choices that I will make...

I was thinking, why do women give men so much trouble. Then being the fair n just, unbiased me, I thought yah hey why do men give women that same amount of trouble too.

So its with all this revolting trouble that makes us having trouble with choices. Choices that InsyaAllah I will be making anytime soon.

So choices, choices, choices
what will be the future that I will make....


Did I forget to mention that the whole Saturday afternoon was spent sleeping ? Only to awake with definitive sets of questions in the mind. Partly or rather largely due to the sometimes nuisace calls and sms-es when one is asleep, soundly at that.

Waking up to answer a phonecall is never a good thing. You are never in the correct state of mind to do anything right. Some people are better though. They can jump the gun as quickly and as nippy as ever. Trying their best to assert calmness in whatever situations that face them. However people try to act calm and talk their best when they've just woken up, it is just not the same. You will never be the best when just awoken for your speech will be blurred and your thoughts will be clouded.

Yet as in always people normally, almost always get out of sticky situations when they just awake to an answering phonecall. 1- This basically means the other party is aware that the caller had just lifted his ulta heavy eyelids, 2- they are precariously juggling between wipping their stained saliva and murmuring lousy excuses for sentences, and 3rd the caller is understanding enough that right minded people give lame answers so they cant expect clouded minds of dreamland to give better ones. Ha.

So for one, never ever expect the best situations when one is talking to a(or many)half asleep zombie/s on the other line. Be it the other party is as near as in the other block or half way across the globe, one will never get the best desired results in such situations.

Why do I keep mentioning all these ? Its because alot of times people regret doing the things that they have done prior to answering a phone call when asleep. its especially regretful when they answer the phone call and make promises that they DO NOT want to indulge in. Yet having to honour such situations, people always do. And alot of other people will always regret the actions of some one who is not really at his best or enjoying situations around them.

That said and settled, I can finally try to sleep trying not to think of the what ifs. For it was certainly that easy and not unexpected at all. Why did it happen again, I will just scratch my head and wonder what my half asleep brain was thinking.

Bak pepatah kekata melayu, "Tepuk dada, selera sendiri"
Is that even correct ?
Translation as simple as your own taste in things based on your liking not others.
Is that even correct again ?
Ha.

For 1 will never know sometimes.


Okie the truth that I had recieved is, it wasnt the cute production girl herself that put that sticky note in my helmet. She knew about it, it seems but it was her good friend that put the note cause people are 'trying' to help.

Ha. Oh well.

On a downside, how do people react when they have just broken up ? Don't take me as an example, cause I am a lousy one. Ha.

To be more precise how do girls behave when they have just broken up ? Do they run straight into the arms of the next guy they have chemistry with. But isn't that the rebound ?

Being the rebound has alot of difficulties I guess. This is the stroy told from a guy's point of view cause the girl is seeking attention. The girl expects me to behave how their previous other treated them. Whilst not forgetting always mentioning about the other half. Now...

All this is actually not so bad. Not so bad if it is 1 girl but when you've got 3 girls who are on the rebound and their so called 'ball' is me. Ha! 3 girls on the rebound breathing down my neck all of a sudden. That is too much to handle.

Bah! It doesnt help really. Not when my emotions are stable, I think. When my emotions are stable, I see all this situations as stupid yet I dont know why I still give in. Like why I am picking someone up later from work. Or why I bother to meet up for just 1 hour to sit down and chat. All these aren't my tasks.

Come to think of it though, maybe my emotions aren't so stable after all, cause I am also enjoying the attention and am enjoying all the little feelings these types of dates provide. A mercy relief you might add.

Argh! I don't know already.


I'd say its all about chemistry with the other half to get a party going.

Oh and by the way, it's almost near impossible to arrange a meet up with 3 different ladies in a single day. Ha (",)


What interesting twists this rollercoaster track has taken.

When just recently Cahaya told me some nice things about myself, I find myself entrapped in situations that are quite bewildering. Situations which I have not encountered for so long. I am suddenly being 'wanted.'

Hahahaha.

Remember that production girl that I found cute ? The one whom I always smiled to and apparenlty she smiled back. The one that I was so afraid to talk to even when she was just infront of me...Yesh thats the one ;) I came home this morning to find a note in my helmet. With a number to call. I was going watda.

By the way it was addressed,

"To: the guy who always smiles at me
...blah blah blah
blah blah blah...
from the girl who always smiles back ;P"

This type of situations have been missing from my life for donkey ages already. Actually...erm its like only once in a blue moon la. Hah.

Suddenly I was flying to the moon and back. Hahaha.

Gee wonder if I should even put all this up...hmmm...

Then theres a nurse I just knew. Wonder why I keep getting to know nurses. Like really2 alot of nurses that I am knowing. Haha. I am in fanstasy land people.

Somehow I think this nurse could be reading this. Hmm... but oh well my life is transparent what. siGh.

Lets get back to realityy k. Let me drop back to the ground for a while. Cause after a short conversation with the production girl in the morning, I found it hard to get to sleep. It was then that something hit me hard. And that actually saddened me a little.

Its already the 17th...I forgot all about the 13th. forgot all about the would-have-been date :( What is happening to me ?!? I had actually thought about that date prior to the day. Somehow it slipped of my mind all until today. Is this normal ?

I don't know already. Suddenly I am getting some attention that I was 'so called' longing for but am I READY ? Am I really ? Only when I re-read my previous post that I really2 recall my lil promise and maybe thats why the 13th date suddenly hit me.

This is the twists of my rollercoaster.

Happy would-have-been 43rd month yu.


It is no longer about me no more.

Time is fast running out. I have to hasten and have to double up and quicken my search. It is no longer about me alone no more. I have to pick up the pieces and just move forward slowly.

Up man, lets go. Chin up and lets go.

I cant wait no more for time is not on my side. The only thing that can wait is just that small lil promise...

Other then that, I am certainly on my uphill ascend.
...I think...


Its always going to be similar right. Its always going to be the same. Things wont just happen or change overnight. It is always going to be the same.


The same shitty feeling as per norm.

Gee! I thought I was going to have this type of feeling only once. It happened as my then ORD date was approaching fast. I was having a love-hate feeling to go to work. Having hatred towards the actual work that I do. A very fuck typed couldnt care less attitude that I brought to duty everytime. The thing was I actually enjoyed the company back then. The close comeraderie, the esprit de corps.

Now its the same. Having been retrenched, yet forced to serve out till the end of the month. It really is a shitty feeling you know. Coming to work but your mind is elsewhere. It would have been easier if I was the one who chose to leave, instead of being forced out the door.

I really am not living up to my responsibilites at work. Fark la.

This is feeling much like a relationship thats in tatters. Do you just have a couldnt care less attitude and go about doing things until they finally die off ? Or do you try means and ways to please the other half, take care of all the fine china thats around even though you know its going to come to an end very soon ?

Oh I felt both of those when I was about to ORD last year. Now I am lucky that I dont have relationship issue. Bah! Who I am I kidding right =/


I reminded myself in an astutely yet funnily assuring way that...
I am anything but ORDINARY.

I have been reviewing myself too many times. I have been scrutinising at all my fine details over and over again. I have been trying to put myself in HR personnels' shoes. Trying to write and present the 'bestest' me in coverletters and fine tweaking and customising resumes for different positions. So much so that I have realised.

I am anything but ORDINARY.

Ordinary people dont go through what I have been through. I have been at highest pinnacles of my life, at certain ages, and have been at the helms of the finest ships of life. That ship is of course me. I have steered myself into the best person that I can be so far. No doubt we can always improve.

I am anything but ORDINARY.

Ordinary people do not achieve the things that I have done. I have never consistently been the best all the time. But I have at certain points of my life reached the top.

The earliest achievements that I can remember,

Representing my P1 class for story telling back in Eunos Primary. Haha. No doubt I actually choked on staged and couldnt relate the story to the best that Ms.Suppiah believed my potential to be. What do you expect then from a P1 kid going on stage and looking at so many eyes peering on him ?

I recieved my first ever and seems to be my last too *chuckles*, book prize when I was in P3. Well it wasnt for topping my class. 3rd place aint so bad aite ?

I represented Guillemard Pri for Soccer in the old Geylang District Inter School. Sadly we were the whipping boys back then. So what ? I remember vaguely that I only played 1 half in the entire tournament but the memories goes on till today. Heck I even qualified to play takraw for my primary school but mum back then called the Cikgu to not select me cause I did not score A's. Oh well. Thats what happens when your parents are teahers and they know your school teachers.

Oh...I am remembering that I was even the pledge reader during primary school. Upper primary of course. You people do remember right that there was once a time in our life that we recited the pledge every morning. This came after the national anthem of course. So there I was standing dimutively, very small in frame size by standing in front of the whole school. Everyone following my words in unison.

I am definietly anything but ORDINARY.

*cool air runs through the spine*

And this are only my small achievements in my life. This downtime I am having, I am sure its temporary. Common let me whiff the air up there again.

Let me begin my slow uphill ascend.

For I am definietly anything but ORDINARY.
Ok I re-read once through before posting and thought what the hell. FYI, I do not post all this in my resume. Haha. Just to make it clear cause when I read this post, it sounds like I input all this info in my resume. Wacko man. Oh if any HR personnel from big MNC are reading this *hints* please help to submit my documents to the relevant managers yah.

An ExtraORDINARY thanks from me (",)




Guess who is the IDIOT above ??

Yar, I got the link to the photographer who travelled to Pasir Gudang on Sunday. And it was just perfect that he was at Turn3 when I crashed there. And to top it off, he took pictures and its all over the net. Bleargh.

Poor Rose no.2
Poor ARAI helmet.

Oh not forgetting poor painful body me =(

Oh just a stupid dumb ass thought. I look like doin some stupid silat moves beside my bike. HAA! Tolak balak agak nye. InsyaAllah takkan terjadi lagi.
Ameen.



Wham.

What a whammy. As I put down the phone, ending the conversation on a very unstable note, the choice of song that was suddenly being played really hit hard. My all time no.1 song hit the waves. I started to sing along as I put down the phone. I sang along as my browser was slowly getting to this page. What a sad sad song for a very apt timing. What a whammy.

Now I am already in an irreversible continoum. I just hit replay on the mp3 player. I am singing to the wonderful lyrics as I speak...

..yang jatuh berderai di wajah sepi ku
hancur nya hati ku bisa tak terkata...

...ku cuba pejam mata
tapi tak terlena
kerana ku maseh teringat pada mu...

Geee!!! I thought I was on an uphill ascend lately....
Things always never fail to show me that I am still down there lying lowly at rock bottom central of the lowest echolons of depression. I so so so.........want to get up and out!


Yesterday morning I had a msn chat with a friend, and she provided some kind relief for this waning heart. Thanx cahaya. Its been really some time since I've heard such things, really. Thanx.

A question she had asked me had suddenly pinned me down with such complete power that I...

"Are you missing someone ?"

It suddenly daunt upon me that I am missing her so badly. I am doing so many things to make me busy. Add it all up with the turmoil that I am facing and how 'I am so called handling it well' and it seemed that I have forgotten her. Or at least enough for me to move on...

It was re-iteratted with a simple conversation I had with a new friend.

I am simply still missing her. I can yak on about all the littlest thing about her as all these information are still at my finger tips. WHY is it still there ? WHY cant I forget it all...?

W-H-Y ?




So finally the pictures from Nunu's engagement are up. Notice how good the picture quality are ;) heeeeeeee ;)

Salam Pertunangan kepada Nunu.


I've got so many things in my head right now. I've got to let some out.

I think I've been stuck in some weird space time continoum or something. It only relates to traditional things so far. Weird. To prove my point...

Yesterday I was at Nunu's engagement and at the end of it all ( okay Details abt Nunu's engagement will be up either at the end of this, or in another post) I was wishing well to Nunu. I was going like how I always do at such occassions. It goes something like, " Salam Pertunangan. Moga2 pertunangan mu ini akan sampai ke jinjing pelamin, InsyaAllah." But there Nunu was going like yar yar yar...

Okay to people that think that shes in a forced engagement, nope. Its just her character, I think. Haha. Any way this isnt the first time I hear such things when Im giving well wishes.

1 stark memory I have of such an incident is during Nani's engagement last year. I was with mr.teacher and his cuz, Di. When I was saying my well wishes, Di followed it all up with just, "yah whatever he said" Now issit just me ??

Issit just me that still has this type of old fashion thinking ? I don't know but its bothering me at this moment. I don't know why.


Its almost 7am now. Where have been so far ??

I was on bed sleeping since 6pm yesterday. & I have left a few people fuming with missed msgs and calls. I should have been out the whole of yesterday night as well.

Alas the painful bodily effect took its toll on me. I wake up to a very sore neck. Suddenly now I remember falling hard on my head after yesterday's crash. The cramps from my collarbone too is quite a handful. Obviously these are on top of the 'normal' pains Ive had since last July.

Argh!

Really now, I should never speak of something good until it has passed. I should really learn that by now. No more mentioning of future good things. Lets just look at everything half empty, so when it does turn out to be half full, eventually ...I won't be in this much pain.

Even the high drama that I had expected yesterday did not suffice. Ha. But the potentials were still there, trust me *grins*

Will the good pics from yesterday's event, the afternoon event la. Ha can let you all see my sublime photograpghy skills. Hehe. Cause all of a sudden I was the designated cameraman, again.

K I need to rest now, and answer all my missed calls and msgs. What a bother.


I should always go with my gut instincts. Damn.

When you start the day lousily, I think at least for me, your day would go lousy too.

I am just back from Pasir Gudang. Its August Track Day session. 5 lap challenge. Last month, I started the 5 lap race but I didnt even complete it. This month, HA! I only managed 7 laps until I crashed badly. Oh wow, what a surprise right. Its supposed to be a 3hour session that I paid RM80 to enjoy. But the first 7 laps on the track and I am gone. I was flying as I hit the tyre barricade. Poor poor Rose. She just got a new paintwork and now, cracks throughout the whole bike and not to mention all the scratches. Sigh.

Next on my mind is my ARAI RX7 Sete Gibernau 05 replica. Its so badly scratched. Sigh. That helmet cost me SG800!!!

Okay so 2 things have not gone well today. Still got schedules to meet. Still got plans to proceed with.

I should really follow my gut instincts.

Oh for the record, I am perfectly physically well, I think. For these type of crashes, we can only feel the painful bodily outcome after 1 night. So we shall see tomorrow =/

This is my way to escape whatever it is I am thinking about...


Bah!! I technically started the day by being such a scary cat. I am so so much worst off then before. My oh my since when have I really been sooooooooooooooooooooooo shy.

I've had this phrases being told me more than once already in these couple of weeks. Its about me being shy. My friends, old and new, would go like, "you, shy ?" and they shake their heads in disbelief. Or for some, nudge me in disbelief,msn style, or any other emotioncon for that fact.

So what is it actually ? That character of me which I know I have for a long time already is written off by people who know me. They just cant seem to believe that THIS person who can shout out aloud in the middle of a packed road is actually like a mice when it comes to the opposite sex. Dont get me wrong. I can be loud too when I know the opposite sex already. But when I have never formally uttered a full sentence to them, I just go choke on my words.

This morning is a classic example. That girl has been sitting at the production line 15 for so long already. I have noticed her for so long already. I have stolen 1 too many glances whenever I'm in the prodution area. She too it seems have stolen glances at me. Haha.

When its being taken to the test, when all comes down to boiling temperature, when the oppurtunity is there wide open for me to score, I never seem to fail to falter. Yeah she was just walking in front of me as we headed out after work. She was right there in front of me, even turned her head to look at me, and I couldnt even muster up the courage to say Hi. I choked BIG TIME.

That incident must have been at the peak of the crest of a wave. After many2 smiles to each other, the real oppurtunity to speak to her really came. Of course you know already I faltered.

And I thought I was going to have a whale of a time. I am not even sure if I want to continue with the rest of the plans. I just want to remain hidden where I've always been, locked up in my room on my bed under the pillows. Just plain old shy me for once. Just sleep or rather ROT the day away...

Oh Adibah who is living with her in laws in the apratment right above me, saw me the other day, and called me an 'anak dara yang duduk rumah je.' Hah. Aint that interesting ?


If all goes smoothly today, I dont see why I am not going to have a whale of a time.

Wohoo...for all the potentials that could be released today. Its so unimaginable. I really do hope I have a wonderful Sunday. Oh my...Oh my...

(",)



For all the hustling and jolting. The sweats from all forms of species all around you. The super extra duper long horrendous queues of the night. The cramps in the legs from too much standing up. For all of that, the view was just breath taking. To top it all of what a great picture yup ?

Yah finally I managed to catch the fireworks festival this year. And it was cool. I still do not know from where this TEAM CALEDONIA hails from but their work is impressive. Ha! Never mind that every time I go to Esplanade to catch fireworks, I will always be stuck viewing it partially under a tree. Never mind that, it was still magnificent and just so awe.

Anyway I got the nights opening sequence for all of you.


See what I meant by the tree ? Haha. In all honesty though, I really enjoyed myself just indulging in the majestic view that lighted up the night sky.

------------------------------------------
There was so much more time that night that it would have been wasted not to watch any movie. I finally caught a movie since Superman. Nope, I still have yet to catch Pirates2 by the way. Not Click, not Tokyo Drift but I watched The Lakehouse.

What a wonderfully crafted story. Ha my date retorted something like, "Ada ke crita macam gini in real life." Haha "Kan cita dongeng."

In all seriousness there would never be such a peculiar thing to happen as such but then again. We may never know. The underlying meaning of the story meant so much to me, really. Anyway I really suggest all singles with a waning heart to go watch this. It'll put some thoughts into your head. My therapist was talking to me before I fell asleep,

Therapist RIDAK: So how was the movie ?
Me: It was good
Therapist RIDAK: You do know such things dont happen, right ?
Me: Of course, I told my date that.
Therapist RIDAK: Excellent, think you're on your way to recovering then...
Me: ...but...
Therapist RIDAK: ...?
Me: *Pauses imminently*
Therapist RIDAK: OK now. I understand what you're going through. I watched the movie too. Damn good I must say. Just one word of advise, dont dwell too much on waiting. Those things just happen in the movies. You should know by now that you've got to pick yourself up. Waiting and waiting and you might just find yourself to have waited your whole life through...
Me: ...
Therapist RIDAK: Unless of course you're so certain that you're going to wait at a US mail letter box by a lake, pop a letter or 2 in it, find some one answering it, so you wait and pray so hard and at the end of it all...Ah you know what happens...
Me: Ok that doesnt help much doc ?!?
Therapist RIDAK: Want to switch places ??
Me: You're the one with the clinical psychiatry degree.
Therapist RIDAK: Glad we understand that...since you know what happens, and you know it wont happen, why don't you just...

...zZzZz...

I swear I almost teared when Alex was just about to cross the street :(
Somewhere in the middle of the story, when V day was already mentioned, I think I knew how the story was going to end. Never did I imagine it ended like that. So so touching. Sob*

Now I can understand why Lady Hackwrench was reflecting after she caught the movie. For I did too. I really did...

Reflecting will always get reflections. Dwelling doesnt reap to much rewards doesnt it ? Do I even make sense ?

Now where's my Doc again ?

------------------------------------------
The night was drawing to a close. It had been a long day...

Oh I finally did get to taste the chicken chop at Bendemeer. Guardian Angel is right, its so damn nice the chicken chop there. When I savoured the chicken chop though, my thougts that were still full of reflections and the lake house, lingered far off into the past. I use to remember ordering chicken chop for her.

"Chicken Chop Satu. Coleslaw tanak, Baked Beans pun tanak eh"

And ever so once in a while the same joke pops up from the vendor...
"Chicken chop dia tanak jugak kan"

Haha thats the main reason why I was always doing the ordering. To be fair to my date yesterday, I wasnt being fair to her. My thoughts were constantly lingering off, flying to never neverland. Dont think she had the slightest idea.

She was sweet la this gerl. Long hair, luscious lips, quite mature thinking. Maybe there was just 1 setback.

Call me traditional or whatever that you want. I am the type of guy who always pays for the dates, whenever my pocket is full of course :P Haha anyway it was our first date, she didnt even offer to pay the slightest bit. That was the only drawback. Like I say though, she is a nice girl. And we have something in common, we love movies, so at least I know who to call to watch movies with. Ha.

So lady readers out there, am I traditional in expecting the girl to offer to pay. By far, I dont really want her to pay. You know, just that slight gesture of trying to take out the wallet is enough. Oh well...

*ponders on whether to display the pics*

Oh what the heck, the picture looks nice. And Im starting to really appriciate my FujiFilm FinePix E500 (",)


Don't ask me why I took the tree or Ngee Ann City. I needed models for my photography skills to be polished. Wahaha and my date gladly obliged to be my model for the night. Eh my photography getting better, no ??

Oh by the way, I think I am so like Kate.


Yahoooo...I am going to catch the fireworks tonight. Tonight I will finally catch the fireworks after missing out on it a few times. Today it will be Team NEW CALEDONIA on display. I don't have the slightest clue where that is. If I am not wrong, its not even a country.

Oh well. Lets hope my company will want to enjoy the fireworks as much as I really want to. Cause I really do need to light up the darkness in my life. To dark la sometimes - NO GOOD!

Point to note. Charge the digicam batteries and obviously dont forget to bring the digicam! Haha.


For all the singles who want to have their heart aches momentarily...
www.urusanpengantin.com

Yah, I was at that page for around 1/2 hour admiring all the nice pelamins (dias) and oOo-ing at all da wonderful packages. Most came with pelamin, food for 1000, kitchen helpers and of course tables, chairs and the tents.

All this heartache today is solely courtesy of ms.secretary. grRrRr if not for zoolanders, haha. Oh well. We all have this fair share of pain watching people being happy on their day.

In all honesty, i too want to be sitting up there feeling like a king for a day. Seeing all my guests smiling and taking pictures with me. Knowing how happy my parents and other family members would be. The one day in my life where I know I would definietly look the handsomest.

Ok not forgetting that when I look to my left, the most beautiful lady would be sitting beside me. She would have already have been announced as my wife. Sigh. Now as I imagine all this, the face on that woman beside me is all but nothing-ness and a GREAT BLUR.

From today onwards, think i will always answer something standard to the ever so dreaded question. I'll just say, "nanti December la..."

December being the traditional month where Malay weddings are held. So December it shall be... dont ask me what year k! gRrRrR!!!

oh if urusanpengantin was not enuff, I have my friends website on the same stuff too.
www.dreamvibes.com

And trust me, I havent even listed out my family members who are in the same business as well. It'll certainly give me a headache when the time comes to plan for December.

urusan demi urusan


If we were to meet again,
would you know me ??


I dont know how many times today that I've heard it. Really.

Today so many people have been telling me to move on...either its directly to me (mum & sis) or tru sms, msn or just by some stroke of strange coincidence that phrases appear before me telling me to move on. The weirdest thing is today, my right eye started twitching after someone reminded me. Twitched real bad, up till now.

Now Ive always known and believed that the right & left side reflects different signals. The left has always been predominantly signs of bad things or un-good things to come. The right side though has Alhamdulillah mostly been about blessed stuff.

So I am unsure. I believe it alot as these are small signs from God. The twitching started when I was reminded to move on. What does that mean ?

Please God, show me good stuff.

Dari Engkau lah ku datang & kepada Engkau lah kan ku kembali. Engkau telah kurniakan ku dengan kenikmatan yang sementara. Telah pun Engkau mengambil kembali kenikmatan itu. Ya Allah kurniakan lah hamba mu ini dengan kenikmatan yang lebih baik dari pada apa yang Engkau telah memberi dan mengambil. Ameen.



See the sharpness of the pic ? Cool uh...but at the expense of almost 6k spent of a digital SLR and accesories. Anyway the girl is mr.teacher's gf, Nat. Just in case he or she reads this, thanx for letting me use your pic eh haha ;P

Heh so which is cheaper ? motorbiking or photography ? You decide for me k...

Psst I give you peeps a hint, it starts with 'M' wahaha ;)



Happy National Day to all Singaporeans.

Guess where I've been since the last post ? yah you got it...not watching fireworks but at home. Just feeling the fire working in my oh so empty brain. Lukcily the parents were home. Great and what else did they decide to start the topic with...

"Kau da ada gf skarang?"

Just great ah...so no plans on eve of holiday. No plans on a public holiday... no plans for off day..

Im just wonderful now eiy...broke, out of love, no life and soon to be unemployed. Life is just wonderful. And this is looking at the cup half full mind you ;)


"...nak tgk fireworks ak...?"

Orang melayu cakap tu ajak2 ayam eh ? Lemme translate...theres a malay linggo phrase that states that people always ask others along only for the sake of asking, or its just fooling around. I got someone asking me to view the fireworks in say...15mins time. yup 15mins more, the fireworks will commence but still the timing has not been confirmed. Oh well...

But I am thinking if I did get to watch it, which I think I can still make it of course ;) ...what and how will I view it. The ever beautiful fireworks that will light up the night sky.

Will the majestic eruptions cause the fiery night to clear the night away for me, and let the brightness show to where happiness may be ?

Or will the dour after effects of the fireworks wear me down more as the darkness will return to hit on me harder everytime...?

Only time will tell...


Moving forward has never been accomplished without feeling grief or sorrow :(


All of us will face uncertainties in life.
All of us will always have to overcome hardships in life.
Its just whether its easier to overcome or not.
Its just whether the certainty is easily seen or not.

We will always have uncertainties which we have to overcome in life. When we are able to do this, everything will just seem so easy until the next wave of uncertainties. Or till the next wave of hardships.

how we overcome such times will always ultimately just depend on us. Us alone. No one else. Us of course now refers to me!!!

I have to overcome all this alone. No one else. Just like how I'd always mention it to her.
Your problems are my problems. But my problems...let me settle them myself k. So I will have to overcome it myself. With no one by my side to trouble. Just me...

Or maybe i'll tag along my rollercoaster.
Come RIDAK...we got a ride to catch...


Think I can relate and understand what my dear fren, ms.secretary was rambling about in her blog. For I have the distinct pleasure of going through it too...

4 weeks straight of going to jemputan. Thats includes a new born baby's cukur rambut. My my...my friends are all moving ahead and progressing in their life. I look at their happy faces and the atmosphere and the tummy just rolls in a weird farnie way. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for my friends, especially Isman and Samsiah with their new addition of Haziq. Oh that reminds me, I havent gotten the chance to visit AG and Shima. Things have kept popping up. Sori Shima =/ ...nanti I will make sure your daughter didoking oleh Uncle Zamry k ;)

Oh yah back to being happy...
BUT!!!

Its like urgh and I can really relate to ms.secretary. I feel for you girl. Think you'd be more happily sad ?

Life doesnt wait for us to move on. Thats definietly certain. That insight was reminded to me by ms.hourglass yesterday.

Oh well no majlis for next week yet, but the week after it continues...
SiGh*

It was like the whole Data Processing Office was there.
Slamat Pengantin Baru to Masitah & Zuhri.


Sparks will always be sparks...

Its always spinning. How people tell me that I could be throwing my future, throwing my life away. Its always difficult for people to think of perplex situations from my point of view.

It always is but Im glad there will always be people to help sort certain things out in my life. Friends who can genuinely try to help. Maybe not much was done but jus reorganising the thoughts that I had into neat stacks and inputting it back into my brain certainly helps.

Its always a pleasure to have mett up with ms.hourglass. Really is. & my my she looked fantastic just now. Surprisingly though she was very girly girlish today. So rare for me to see her in a skirt, a nice one at that. She really looked feminine. Even she commented when we were in the lift, with a mirror, "Ak ah sey nampak macam perempuan" Haha! That was funny.

Anyhow I really am glad to have her in my life. A true friend indeed.
Thanks ms.hourglass (",)

Sparks will always be sparks...


Oh I am in a daze again.

Complexities with my own self nature and the circumstances that have built up all around me. I am really losing it. I really don't know. Dont ask me for an answer now, for its because of circumstances like now that I went berserk a year ago and made a rash stupid decision. If I make a rash decision now again, yah maybe I would be viewed as sweet, but I could end up in the lower douldroums of depression once more. I KNOW I am not that strong now to overcome it again.

Desire is fading fast and far...Oh what to do ?!?
And its been really ages since I heard from people that I want to. Everyone has done a dissapearance act on me.


You get some, You lose some...

I told that to someonevery recently. This morning in fact, during a small chat on MSN. Telling her how life is actually very2 fair. That when you gain alot, you will also stand to lose alot.

So I look back at what the words mean to me. How it reflects upon myself. We really really get some and we really really lose some. I have ..I know. Its very fair. So as I am losing a lil bit now, I will wait for that lil bit to come. For my experience has taught me, this loss is just minor. Nothing I tell you can compare to being locked up in hospital for 2 weeks. Haha. but the gain was good aint it ;) *grins*

To reiterate again, all is fair. We get some and we lose some.

Now wheres my share ...??


I just checked...and found out I missed a medical appointment. Gosh. I really got to get a hold on myself.

eh 1 question, can a person 'really' suffer from emotional sickness ??
Cause I want to book an appointment for that instead. That pain is by far more than the shoulder, hips and knee combined. Period.

Hah.
27 days and counting down...


So...

As I sit at my favourtie place enjoying the scenery, watching as things all past me by. Nothing just nothing seems to catch my attention. Everything around me revolves so fast now but I seem stuck in a spiral of time oblivion to the rest of the world. Here I sit in my own secluded corner where no one would notice what I do, let alone how I feel.

Just let me ya..let me slip off into disparites of time where no one, and I mean no one would know for heck or care for less.

So just let it pass by...
Please...

K thanks.


The dust is finally settling abit with regards to retrenchment....

But the emotional dust...when will it all settle ?


& when I thought all couldnt be worst...

Was in larlar land before tonight's shift when a call came that shocked me up till now. My whole department of contract staff (which includes me) have been retrenched. Even me, the so called shift leader, is not spared. And so they gave me 1 month notice.

Good riddance la.

Core restructuring my ASS!!


"...I still think about you
I still dream about you
I still want you...& need you by my side..."

Well what can I say right =(

I've found out that when its all still and quiet, it will hit me hard. The surroundings plays a big part in this quest to move on. Well I think I've found, or rather remembered a piece of solace.

There was a time in May when, though my mind did wander in negativity and sadness, I was actually quite emotionally stable. It was a big part due to how I saw things. Back then, I was always inter changing & switching different girls picture as my main handphone screensaver. Primarily I was always using guardian angel's and ms.hourglass' picture. That was actually a form of solace, really. I cant explain it.

Cause in late June I had put my own face as the screensaver. A big reason is of course my mum yacking at me at how I shouldnt put girls pic if they aren't my gf. So there...I was always looking at a single me on my handphone. Its psychological la actually...

So the other day, due to a missing feeling, I just switched to miss. hourglass' pic. Of course, mum saw it and kept questioning me. I think that feeling is a lil numb already. Kinda no feeling abit when mum talks abt marriage & stuffs. But it hit backs after some time of course.

Anyway the past few days just by looking at the 'couple' photo is a psychological win. She may just be a friend but it works wonders how shes helping me from afar. Cause everytime I touch my handphone to use it, I smile. And a smile helps in the long run to combat any emotional turmoil.

So for now, I will still have her pic. Maybe I'll rotate it with her other pics. Maybe I'll meet her so I can get more pics. haha. Or maybe I'll just switch to some other 'couple' photo of mine so that I can take my mind of my so called problem.

Bah!


Waking up in August, I revel in the early morning light, thinking to myself...good riddance to July. What a turmoil of an ending July had in stored for me. The mix of emotions within a week was jetpacked with enough firepower that would put the Israeli & Hezbullah missiles combined to shame. And guess where it blew up ? It landed smack right in the middle of my oh so poor aching heart.

I am a lil contented today. Waking up early on an August morning.
Oh the August sunshine...

Theres so many things which is being left unsaid right now. So oh so many.
Starting with 1 simple thing...we dont live our lives alone.

I thought I could handle it all alone. All the emotions in a wishy washy manner could not be contained in a small machine such as me. A few days ago, in the midst of all the bombardments, I changed something which had immediate sparks that helped clear the forray of bombings on my little heart.

That 1 little thing...


It is finally over. July is finally over.
Lets hope it is finally over as well...

I hated July. Now lets look at August.
The dark gloomy days of July ...urgh...

Whisk me away August...