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Ridak & his RollerCoaster
This is his emotional ride.



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Baeyah - jezbiggie
Baitina - tinatino0ot
Baizura - Aiz
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Cha Cha
Haddad
Hafriz
Hurul'Ain - ms.secretary
Haslinah - LadyHackwrench
Liyana Ramli - lynn
Linda Eain - Lynn
Liyana J - LJ
Masnoraffis - lil'un / bond
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Noraini - norot
Nurazima
Nurul Huda - Nunu
Rasyida
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Shasha
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Wardah - ms.salad queen / ruzmidah
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Dead tired. Just plain simply dead tired.

I am going to hit a 3 week thick wall of long sitting. I don't know and cant imagine the complexities in trying to survive such mental torture. Its been only 1 1/2 days and sitting in a room of around 8 people talking about SAP 4.7 procedures, protocols and new methodology, when in fact you know TOTAL NUTS in such an embracing challenge.

Trust me....70% of the time I am stoning in a half dazes fashion, threading the invisible line between cloudy fairies and bright projectile display. I am constantly falling into the trap of closing my eyes for a few seconds, amidst a dark room where a person would be conversing in some strange language about computers, database and warehouse functions.

Another 10% of the time, I am restlessly moving around, shaking, tapping my legs and inter crossing cum switching positions of my flexible and elestico legs. I am drinking as much choco and milo, whatever thats availble that is...and also loads of water just in a vain attempt to try to stay awake.

1% of the time is damn productive. I actually understood whatever that was going on!! Wow!!

Which leaves just about 19% of the time if my maths doesnt fail me. Yes this 19% of the time, my mind is ever wondering, trying to stay awake with clouds of thoughts that would suddenly dispersse at the very moment of nodding off. Haha.

Makes me wonder what I think about...

Nothing else has been flying through this shroudded and sleepy mind but images, scenes and words of lost love of my short lil life span. It just makes me go zonk into another level, I tell you. Argh!!!

When will this mental suffering stop...?

But on the lighter side of things...it keeps me pre-occupied just enough in between sleeping, eating & drinking, fidgeting, learning and working to ease the pain of 3 weeks of pure boredom and total restraint. For yesterday, total time between laptop and my desktop was less than 1 hour, for the WHOLE day. So, its okie...what ever thats working....

Haha =/


Pada pandangan si dia,
Ku sudah kian pupus dari dunia...

Pada pandangan mereka,
Ku ini tetap anak kecil di renungan mereka...

Pada pandangan ramai,
Segak tak bertempat & perang tak berdamai...

Pada pandangan dunia,
Belum setitik benih pun ku capai...

zamry17@singnet.com.sg
29th Oct 2006

Sometimes...
its just better to keep quiet then get squashed up right the middle.

Yet...
when we just shut our crap, we are diminishing plentiful of our ideas, our thoughts and most importantly to me...my EGO. I just cannot stand it when people proclaim that I am wrong, did something incorrectly or some certain words when in fact, the story is the otherwise. Or I did not have my chance to explain myself.

So...
Just better off to keep quiet. Swallow the pride and substantiate the ego, stroke it gently and prepare it for another time when it will be my day!!! MY DAY!!!

I just cant keep my thoughts from not coming out of my mouth. Just not my nature, for the day I do that, a totally different me will be born. Some one that alot of people just wouldnt know and recognise. I know that I dont want that...

Let me just try to find a nice balance for this desire thats dying as well aites.





In the eye of the cyclone, all seems calm and non volatile yet if only they knew how this heart is cringing amidst it all. I try so hard to be happy during this festive period, for I am truly celebrating in the joy of Syawal. Yet, it is quite painful when once in a while, reality seeps through the cracks and does some gentle reminding.

When one is reminded....

I am so so so0o0o0o0o0o0o close... *points to space between two fingers tightly squeezed together* to saying goodbye. It is almost the time too. What great timing uh. It will be quite soon, I hope. I am just about ready to say goodbye, I think.

for issit still worth it. I am definitely questioning myself this.

*walks on slowly...whilst constantly looking over the shoulder*

Yesh is the answer, without a doubt, the answer always never fails to find its place in my heart. Sadly...


I am....

- so many things now
- plain tired
- eating like a glutton
- deprived of proper sleep
- getting tired of travellig to Tuas
- going to be squashed up further in the center
- not liking being squashed up the center
- almost always wrong nowadays
- me...

I am me, just me...


Ohhh!!!... I can't wait for my 1st lunch at GSK. Haha.

*tummy rumbles*


This is the period that I am asking to myself repeatedly, especially in a very eyes shut situation. Just what am I doing at work today!! Heh, 2nd day of Syawal and already back in the office slogging and slacking at my workspace (-_-)...

I read with intrest hafriz's entry concerning Syawal and its true what he had mentioned. It has been a lil bit over-rated Syawal's celebration especially with the staging of this year's pesta raya live at bugis, on the eve of raya itself. That is the same night that all the Devils are happily clasping their arms as they wait in eagerment for the azan to be released back into the mortal world and regain control again over their puppets who had run the show for them during their absence. Hah. I had always been thought that there were 2 types of devils.

One is Azazil himself and his evergrowing horde of iblis and kunchu2 through out the generations. The other tpe of devil, is the human devil. One who's character and behaviour shows sparkling similarities to iblis and yet in namesake is still a human.

Oh well, we are now back with all the minglings again. The old man reminded the family that one should continue the good work that had been done during Ramadhan, if any, and should not let it stop just there...or let it be practised only during ramadhan. For we many never know if we are able to face another ramadhan again. InsyaAllah kita akan ketemui kehadiran Ramadhan semula. Ameen.

...

...I was really pondering if I should had posted my previous post. I really am almost on the verge of saying goodbye. It has been 4 years, a good 4 years in fact. Reality check though, & I know that I have to move on.

I truly remember the date clearly 4 years ago. It was just a simple hi online as an introduction and it led to great wonderful things. It was in my head alot of the time the whole day, yesterday. As I visited the elders and come across stories that are raised almost every year, I find myself in a whirlpool of time forever being sucked into obscurities that I'm unable to get out of. So it was because of the age old question on me getting hitched that I finally thought of that entry as I was driving along one of the expressways.

Rekindling kinship during such a joyous occasion is a great feeling, and I hope I will never feel the way some people look at Syawal. I am thankful of the upbringing that I have been instilled with and 1 day InsyaAllah, will pass on this legacy to my younglings ;)

1 thing that was quite different about my celebration this year is gaining more bonds and strength in my family ties through the waves that we are all sailing through together. It is quite a surprise that such occurances are repeating themselves years after it had happened, yet it also came as no surprise as to whom were at the end of the rifle squad at the end of the day.

Something else that was different was that slowly but surely the shift of paradigm in family seniority is in progress. Though my family will still be out visiting on the first day, the visiting to us as the elders (insert -> Dad & Mum) has inevitably begun. The first time in a very long time we had people over on the first day. The shift would have to begun sooner or later...

Of course, lets not forget the scurry in obtaining the family potrait. As usual who else is the one who defines the potrait and sets the best backdrop and settings for the picture perfect moment. If not for yours truly. Haha.



Le'Familie Raya 2006
Without a doubt, all things always find their way to turning sour, even on such a good day. I am at a loss to where to proceed. It seems nothing I do, has been correct so far. I am stucked and squashed right up the middle. Moving to either my left or right is extremely wrong & staying in the same position is not right as well. Confused is such a tame word to use at the moment. I am so muddled up. Let me find the correct path, pave the true light for me to follow and hopefully I will not be blinded enough by the true light to be led to astray to the bushes or mud.

...Let me find the shining shimmering light by the night
with the grace of the young crestfallen moon...
& the bright stars of the galaxies and the universe,
& hold my hand and lead me truly, for...
I am finding my way...
I am finding my way.


4 years ago...

on this very date, it was 4 years ago...that I first interacted with you. & it started with a very simple hi...

now...

on this very date, 4 years later...its so difficult just to get a reply from a simple hi. Is it really time for me to stop saying hi. Is it the time for me to say goodbye ??

what a date to coincide with Syawal.


Ucapan dan kata kata manis ku ukirkan
Riang & indah khas buat semua pembaca...

Salam Aidilfitri. Maaf Zahir & Batin.
Salam Mesra, Tulus & Suci, Ikhlas Setia Hati.

Yang benar,
Abdul Kadir Bin Said


What a torrid and ruckus of a mess, & I am not just refering to the 'dirt' in my room. This end of Ramadhan is by far the most testing in my short life span. Truly, I have never encountered things as such and I am in a predicament as to what to do. To maintain by my so called principles or to abid and comply with adat & adab.

Mind you, adat & adab is verily much in the grey now, as adat has cross overed into the rules of engagement in adab to much that its really uncertain to many people where the fine line is. No matter what though, the last phrase of the video I uploaded summarises it all. No matter where adat and adab stand...

...So cut me some slack please...

& in the turmoil of it all, in that one instance that I got to meet ms.hourglass, and with the simplest teasing intention, a too harsh a phrase led to a very very violent stare. =/ I am sorry.

...really, just cut me some slack...

on hindsight, the ka-chings have been ringing in a plenty. Heh. I can hear though the ka-chings ringing out a plenty too and by the end of the month I'm pretty sure. Oh well. Guess I got to fast again in Syawal then.

...slack, slack, just a lil bit of slack, please...


Spring cleaning will be in full scale swinging, soon! Haha.

I am just so lazy to get about doing this yearly chores where all the dust and cobwebs suddenly appear from nowhere and the heaps of mountains of 'unused materials' are cleared out of my room and the house. Its been less then 1 year in this new house, yet there are so many things to clear and keep on removing. Very strange indeed.

I dont feel like doing all these chores. Only at times like these, that I feel I "need" a wife to clear up after me. Wahaha. That sentence will surely irk some gung ho female chauvinists. & oh...I learned a new phrase yesterday from my GSX namesake friend, Ezliana.

Sidetrack 1st, did I mentioned...I sold off Ezliana, as in the bike, not the friend. Haha. Made a loss but better to cut my losses now then in the future. Oh well Rose no.2 is still around to keep me company ;)

K back to the phrase. Lets see if I get it right.

"I gotta to remain snotty to people as I dont want to get all the lousy girls as gf."

Haha. Actually its Ezliana's phrase but she was refering to guys and bf. So I just changed it to my instance. She actually gave me a new phrase for me specifiacally. Think its something like...

"I got to be careful not to attract the sluts"

Thats so Ouch uh ?? but thats coming from a lady mind you.
Hmmm...Oh well, we'll see how it goes. Now I need to prepare for war! Wheres' my vaccum and mop ??


Because of the festive season...
Because of the occurances in my life now...

Its justtt so...

Make sure you all get the last message from the video.
Totally meaningful. Sobz* ;'(


I'm sure it wasn't a waste to watch it uh.


...

I hate being stuck in between.

I hate always having to withdraw from contest.

I hate it when things just go so muddled up that its most of the time beyond repair.

...

I really truly wonder how things would have gone had some things gone the correct way. Really I do. Sometimes though pondering over all these what ifs would just add on to the burden of the migrane that ones encountering. Its not that easy to overcome all these disparities in thought, where you always hope things had worked out in a different and better fashion.

But what can we do right. Just make the most out of it. When you're stuck in between, mostly the best option at that point of moment is to just be the withdrawn. Thats of course till you're sober enough to see and view the whole plan view thats being laid out in front of you. Theres almost always a better option, just that we fail to see it. Our calamity just wishes for everything to be solved fast and quickly. Things pop up in mind ??

and so we are the withdrawn...

& luckily I have always had the 2 blood brothers, my members since 95 to count on. Sgt hotstuff and dear mr.teacher.

We caught the departed after much debacle on what to do on a fast ending friday night. We came to a concensus and we seem to did not regret. Though we all agreed it was a stupid ending. Heh. Try to catch the departed and you will understand that there are moles amongst us constantly.

As I watched the movie and related it to myself, I just couldnt help but find the similarities with regards to leaking out the news in my life. Its almost always the same, these occurances and these scenarios. It will always keep repeating, until one person does the correct thing.

That person could have been matt damon. Haha.

In my life, that person can only be me. Only I can change the chain of faults that would bring about a better me and a better life.

It is the departed, and with tonight marking the 29th night of Ramadhan, let us all just pray that for once in our life, we would be able to get at least 10% of this Majestic Night. The Night of Light.

...ironically the night of lights for some was yesterday ;)

Happy Deepavali to my Hindu friends.


What else have I got to say...

Its always about compliance, and to many people I tell you. The slightest bit of non-compliance will just get the other parties irritated, irked and what not that they forget the people across them, that they just shoot off their mouth with loads and barrels of ammunition that it burnt a 1001 holes.

I was definitely wrong on all corners and non-compliance was definitely wrong but wasn't I suppose to be given a chance, since I am supposed to be treated like an adult. Well nobody cares right.

Its always about non-compliance.

To all those mentioned above, I am sorry. Its because of you people that I comply. & I mean to ALL of you comply-hungry people, this is for you. K, I am sorry.


its because of $$ that sparked the explosion down the hill yesterday...

so I forgot, almost completely, that its the 20th already and blink*blinks would start to flow in from today. Butttt...cheque clearing in banks are 5days a week now..so that would mean, either the money is cleared on monday personally, or its free flowing from tuesday. Oh well, either way the money comes in, its going out fast.

23rd is also coming and what a way to get the 1st paycheck, that its on the eve of the time I'm going to spend it. Bleargh. I dont know already.

It was because of $$ yesterday...

I'm tired and I want to meet my bed A.S.A.P

...or any lady that wants to date me tonight ;)


All the emotional downspins just clusters up in a downward spiral, clumming up into one gigantic cloud of rain, drenching me into the backwashes of the mightiest rivers. & I thought that surviving the rapids and the torrid dive from a waterfall was bad, being washed up upon shore and chased down to the throats by man eating cannibals were just the tip of the iceberg. The tip to which is a humongous underwater mountain. Its always like that. We would only see the tip of all the problems. It will always be like that.

Let me please continue to look at things from the half cup full point of view, please.

Really is a testing period this last days of the holy month.


Ok, I am sick at the moment.

My mum suspects that I've been infected by the gastric flu, that by the way was the reason 4 schools were temporarily closed. I am not sure. My mum would know of course, as she is supposed to look out for the signs in her students, and yet it is her son that got it. I was down with yucky watery diarrohea before breaking fast. That didnt really stir up my appetite so I jus had a light meal and tried to sleep with painful rumblings in my tummy. Less then 1/2hour of sleep and I was awoken with an immense urge to vomit.

Oh oh, too late!

Poor ol mum had to clean up my mess. Heh, thanks mum, your the best ;) (part2 gini je cakap mum best =p)

Thats when more diarrohea attacks and more vomitty things came out from me. Those are the 2 signs of the gastric flu. I don't know la. Even in such a situation, I managed to compose myself by 10pm to go meet the guys. Topping up petrol in JB.

Oh...now is such a difference from last year. This time last year, the guys were all in 400cc bikes. Now...ish3 all have upgraded. Sgt hotstuff with his R6. Faizal also got his brand new K7 600cc rolled out last week. Then theres shamir with his R6 as well. wahhh...all brand new bikes and I felt mine was lagging behind. Its okie, still the biggest bike capacity at 998cc ;)

How things have changed since last Ramadhan.

Oh I was thinking to myself that I couldnt possibly be having gastric flu. Hmm...this year alone I've had a few bouts of weak tummyaches. Not like me at all. Hmmm...got to check my tummy.

The last time I was down with watery discharges was in Feb/March when I was working my ass off, with no rest days, all month long. Now, its a lil similar though in different circumstances. Maybe I cant be overworked ? I dont know...

Or issit because I didnt get to meet ms.hourglass again. Haha. interesting how a bloghopper commented she looked thin. Oh well, you dont know her ;P

Was supposed to meet up with her on Tuesday but she couldnt make it. So it was just menteri Cypher-Z, Lady byotch and me. Shift managed to come but at a later timing. It was great relaxing with this company. Missed the times when we were close together with ms.hourglass of course. Haha.

Oh heres a recommendation to eat at Geylang. Nasi Ayam Penyet!!! located at kampung melayu. Its the Changi branch. Just superb la! Really....heh it did fulfill my desire to have nasi ayam penyet. Kalau nak harapkan mystique, heh,..tak kesampaian la ;P

eh where are yu ar mystique ?? so quiet all of a sudden....

Guess I can never have all of my friends together at the same time uh....
Never all at the same time...

Urh K...I need to rush to the toilet again! Bleargh!!



Just look at that photo. Its making my feet go wobbly man. Hah. I got the pics fresh and straight from the oven. Ah well, technically they are mine. Wahaha, you people wouldnt understand ;p

And I think there was definitely some small miscommunication between us at 2am, when she wanted to go back with a 'friend.' Was I suppose to be that 'friend' to send her back. Hah. Oh well she didnt say it and I didnt catch it. Maybe next time.


Before next time though, I made sure I got something else to hold and keep as company till I think tomorrow ?? InsyaAllah (",) hahaha....what a great pic. Makes my leg go wobbly again. She was telling me that this pic really looked great. I reminded her, of course, since its her and me. We always look great together. Ahhh so this is my alter ego talking now.

I saw a video clip which just put something in my head.

"Dalam mengejar impian, kita akan temui jodoh"

I told ustazah this phrase right after the clip and she just shook her head. I was able to say it to ustazah again right after taking the above photo with ms.hourglass. Cause ms.hourglass told me that we kept taking photos at the same ol' place and she brought me right in front of EVERYONE to take the above photo. Ustazah was just shaking her head, especially so, when I repeated the phrase.

Looking for my guardian angel, I stumbled upon ms.hourglass. Haha. Oh well, life always did work in a peculiar funny way. Wonder what will pop up next eiy...

"Dalam mengejar impian, kita akan temui jodoh"


Where are yu now ...

It was somewhere in the middle of Ramadhan last year that I had chanced upon your presence. It was in the middle of October last year that our paths crossed and you chose and made sure that we would not end with a goodbye in Shenton way.

True, I was not myself when I met you but as the time passed by, we had something strange that we both agreed was described as 'long term chemistry.' Honestly now, I dont know what that means. Heh but I am grateful how you had came into my life helping me in a BIG way.

It was surprising to get my first msg from you on friendster. It was intiguing to have had our first chat on msn together on the 2nd day of Syawal, I think. But it was not you then in my mind, honestly.

7...or 8 months after our first chat was then the time that we finally met. Hah, you and your book in the middle of the night at a playground. I came to find out that that was your favourite bench. How funny and ironic for a girl who likes to stay away from home to have her favourite bench just right in front of her block. Haha.

Oh well. you had helped alot in clearing up emotional issues that I had. I dont really know if I had helped you, cause you still seem to be in a fix. But I truly am thankful for the times that we had. One thing you taught me was to move on fast and not have emotional baggage, and of course - to be nuetral.

I am glad you still do reply to my sms' ...sometimes. Haha. but just where are you now, that our paths is so hard to meet.

Dear Guardian Angel, where are you ??


Its only midday but my mind and brain is doing a headspin. Its like a top twirling and revolving giving me a mini headbanging session played live in my head. What a headache. Its not helped that the haze is playing peek-a-boo with us singaporeans.

Today the haze is back. I saw the moon yesterday orangey. As I arrived at work, the sun was orangey and it was 8am!!! Now at midday, its still orangey and walking from one end of the plant to the other is quite a task now with the haze blanketing the path. Its giving a slight irritation to the throat as well. Bleargh.

Oh did I mention that I have a new friend in the neighbourhood. Haha or should I refer her to a stalker who always 'cameras' my every movement. Walau. After getting a note stuck on my bike, again, I called up this girl who knows my every detail thats expose to the block around me. I thought she definitely must be around the area, yet she chose to conjure up a stupid lame story of how she just lepaks in the area. Well the truth was out very soon, and guess what!

Haha.

Shes the girl next door. So thats GND.

So yesterday after Simpang, I was frivently being sms'd about this la, that la and being asked to chat on the phone. GND even had the cheek to say, shes out by the porch relaxing. I was going What! Just side by side, and you're at the porch and you wanna chat on the phone. I told her might as well take out 2 bottles and knock 'em against each other to signal me to come out of the house. Haha. So P.Ramlee 60's. Haha.

I did spend some time just talking with her outside our homes. The so called 'veranda' la. Hah. Anyway, it was more of she asking questions then us talking. Ha. Oh well, at least I know my neighbours more ;P

Now that the neighbour above I know, the GND family also I know, next will be to get to know at least 1 of the 3 sisters who live on the 2nd floor beside Adibah. Haha all 3 of them are cute by the way.

Tampines is not so bad after all.
Now I got some reasons to stay at home more :P


Relaxing at Simpang Bedok is simply fine. Just g-e-r-e-k. Haha. Spent like from 630+ all the way till way past 10pm relaxing there. Breaking fast, chatting with sgt hotstuff, watching the 2nd last leg of MotoGP and just plain chilling. What a great way to end the weekend. Su-Weet!

Moments like just now just do enough to make you lose focus on whats not necessary, seriously. Relaxing with the guys, now each with their own transportation is just an easy life. mr.srad6 or rather [K] was there, sgt hotstuff and mr.teacher. just enough of a rendition to spend time and relaxing away.

The portugal leg of MotoGP provided a major incident which indefinitely created a final result for the championship. The Doctor is certainly going to get his world title this year. Nicky Hayden would certainly be mouthing more vulgarities to his own team mate then anyone else because of this outcome. Pedrosa would be burdening the guilt, I think, of ending his team mate's title hopes...

& when we look at this, this is just how the world works. Looking at things from a Micro view, our life is sometimes just like that. No matter how much we put our heart and dedication into something, SHIT can happen. & it can come in the form of our closest ones. Things will end by just a nose as how the spaniard, Elias won today.

By just a whisker of a nose, things dive down all the way, or they can skyrocket you to clound9 and the moon.

I want to be on cloud 9 now. Ive been stuck plummeted down beneath the depths for far too long. Been hanging with the serampang holder for far too long. Its just too long hanging down here, I want to be up there.

...the crisis of the Federation has re-awoken part of my senses. Sitting in a room full of seniors way beyond their peak, trying in a concerted effort to up start and push the Federation back into a revival of its long gone glory made my hair stand all the way. Even at this junction of typing, thinking of how the federation is in tatters is sad.

The Federation is in my blood. It was from my father and runs through thickly in my veins and I owe as much that I have to reviving this glorious past of it. It is my call once again. Though I was missing for a moment, & I was just hanging on by the threads and the whiskers, I feel the responsibilty of spear heading my old area, the least. It is my call once again.

"with great power comes great responsibility"
All this will certainly keep me on my toes and busy once again.


It seems when I have seem to moved on a little, I dont have much things to write about on my emotions. In that sense of course, but I noticed that I would just tend to blog like 'ordinary' bloggers do, you know just ranting and essay writing on what happened in the day's events. Hmmm... I don't know if I want my writing to end that way.

I don't know.

Its Saturday night and I have no plans and am just relaxing at home. Oh well, maybe relaxing is good. Yah maybe it is good.

Just plain simple relaxing (",)

...till my brain can conjure up anything then. Ha!


Something is wrong with the tagboard. Something is even wrong-er with the tagboard website. Its changed to c-panel & I cant seem to use my old taggy account to log in. Bleargh! Giving me problems and complications & preventing from all you fans from letting out your thoughts on this website :p The thoughts are so much, that they dont appear at all. Haha.

I've since changed to a more reliable and what seems to be more widely used tagboard amongst people I know. Well you always have a tendancy and inclination towards things that people you trust/know use. So yah, that is why I have changed to Cbox. Nice ??

So there you have a place to rave and rant. There it is to fullfill all your burning desires and comments on this WONDERFUL blog of mine. Hurhurhurhur.

tak tau malu nye aku.

Alrightey then, my mind seems to have gone into a blank, just because I did not wake up early today. Cause Saturday is an off day. Wohooo!!!!

Just something that my emotion and heart is shouting now,

I am loving all the people I meet and interact with nowadays (",)

Hoowah!!!

.
..
...
....
.....

on the typical downside, which obviously ms.secretary will be shaking her head once again, I missed stating down yesterday's event. Especially since it was a Friday. It was a Friday the 13th. A very peculiar date dont you think so ? Oh and she's thinking of moving her blog. I am so sure I will not know how to get to her space of that. The distance just keeps on getting further and further apart uh... Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

Happy would have been 45th month yu.


Change is almost always good. Its the process that makes it difficult and shapes what the outcome will turn out to be.

It was never going to be easy. I had expected that. So it came as no surprise the events the unfolded. Yesterday, I was the only one who was breaking fast with my parents. And so, as the meal was about to end, the univietable happened. I just couldn't have eaten fast enough to escape from the dinning table *damn* haha.

"Betul ko takda gf?"

With all the good intentions in her were the words asked by my mum. It seems she just cant accept the fact yet that I've been single for this long. Haha. Now don't get me wrong, when it comes to looks, shes the first one to comment that I don't have good looks. That at my age I shouldn't be having pimples. That my hair is so unstylish. That my body structure is the same as a 60year old man *points to dad* Oh and shes always the one to look for things for me to clear my pimple infested face, especially when I was younger. It was even until a stage that she was tired that I didnt want to take care of my un-hansome face. Haha.

Oh lets not forget that I had back to back 2year relationships. So think thats what really makes her ask how come I'm still single almost 2 years to the 'official' time I'm single.

Well, I just couldn't run away from the dinning table could I.

It was never going to be easy but Im taking it in my stride. Not bad actually. Not bad how I handled it. Haha. I even told my parents about the woman whom I'm in contact with nowadays, where you buy 1 and get 2 free. Haha. Opps!

K...I don't mean any offense.

My dad was more relax, haha, but mum was explosive to say it mildly. Heh. Oh well...2 days of staying home and sleeping early cleared my mind somewhat. Then, there were calls coming in the middle of the night from some unfamiliar numbers & I was just to tired la nak layan kan.

Lets really see how this all unfolds as I'm uncovering the strengthening of my emotions, & please not let this be a semangat 2 minute thing which is so common in me. Bleargh. On a lighter note, someone's back from China but shes yet to reply to my sms'. =/

Just 1 at a time, k go!

"You can eat an elphant if you do it one bite at a time." - Robert Riley



Apa mungkin terjadi,
semustinya harus diuji.
Tekun gigih teliti,
hsilnya takkan rugi.



I wasn't able to catch the arabic line that fast enough but the translation from what I remember is here;

Apa yang sedang jadi, Apa yang sudah jadi, Apa yang akan terjadi,
Berserah lah kita kepada takdir Allah.

A valuable lesson I got today. Lets hope its put into good use ;) InsyaAllah.

PS;- don't take the words out of context.


I am so soo sooo sleepy. Its only 1030h. I got such a long way more to go before the end of the day. I am so going to be dozing off soon. (-_-)

I have been going out every single night so far since I started work. Erm well, even before I started work I was like this. Haha. But the thing is now I am starting feel weared down by the constant late nights out and then reporting to work supposedly in a fresh manner and for the whole day trying so hard and restraining myself from sleeping.

For I am not sure how I am supposed to carry on like this. It will end up in me crashing on my bed quite soon and I think it could be tonight. Haha. Unless I have sudden plans again just like all the other nights since last week. Oh I am so going to crash tonight :P


Emotional turmoil when comes together with a whole pile of work related reading never is a good equation. In fact it makes up into a potent disaster ever ready to blow up in anybody's face.

0o0o0o...that is dangerous. I don't want myself to suddenly blow up in my supervisor's face now. Haha. Realistically though, I think that won't happen.

The turmoil is definitely present. The whole pile of work is definitely being stacked up against the odds, and my my they are stacking up fast. This mind you, is still the honeymoon period. Thats what they say about the pharmaceutical line, ever fast, ever rapid and ever changing. Hmmm...really feels familiar this intense working style.

The emotional aspects though could definitely be better, much much better.

I have had much help especially in lining up activities for myself in the coming weeks. End of Ramadhan, Syawal celebrations, then frustratingly is my high work load schedule called Tech IA, dream creator show and last but not least followed by my planned trip to KL.

I really wonder if all these activities will help me overcome what I'm supposed to overcome.

I really need just some sparks of joy, continous sparks of joy to ride me through my dark times where shadows are constantly blanketing good things that appear. Therefore I assume that a prolonged injection of joy, sunshine and happiness would bring about much change.

Well....

Kita merancang, Tuhan juga menentukan...

Lets just do what is necessary and we'll hope for the best. I will find that light at the end of the tunnel.


Sometimes its just easier when its unspoken, really...

My emotional desires is drying up fast.

Well at 1 point of time a few weeks back, I had thought, with all the flurry of dating activities and stuff, that it was okay. I had thought that I was quite clear up there in the brain, even had wonderful suggestions on how to move on fruitfully. Alas it always seems the case that I am coming short on answers. For my latest heart pain is to see her do what I had expected her to do. She really is going to stay there after her graduation, I think. Especially since shes already on the look out for work/job and stuffs. Heck, she already has an apartment, its a natural progression for her to take.

With every little visit that I take to her site, I never seem to fail to bring myself down. I just can't explain it, really. Ms.secretary had told me off once not to visit that site anymore, but nooooo stubborn ol' me just couldn't resist. Just have to take a peek every now and then. Well this is the outcome, I am quite sure.

I really do not know how to take things from here on now. For the promise still stands, still will be awaiting her arrival from abroad. But then, I was only prepared to wait for her till she ended her studies and not to wait till she comes back with a boyfriend in tow. I know that that guy wont be graduating soon. I mean no offense to that guy, but I cant possibly write nice things about him...right. Well chances are that she whould only return when he is back with his degree. Thats a very high chance....

What will I to do. For when December arrives, followed by January...I know that many from down under would already have made their way to their homeland. I'm sure Hackwrench would too. But really...I do not know what to do now.

Sigh...

oh I have been having problems hooking up my ThinkPad from home. Just cant connect it online from home and I cant access anything work related from home this way. Ermmm well...actually who wants to have anything work related at home right ??

Haha.

The ol' Lepak revival is up and coming again. The boyz were relaxing again yesterday and now the number seem to be quite stable. No longer it is just the 3 of us. Abg Chindian and Abg Jepun also joins us quite often now & not forgetting Badboy Sardine. Heh. He is forever being tag along by his missus. Think maybe, from all the chatter yesterday, he could be the first one in line to go. Just got to wait till he lands his first real job.

& also, already been getting mailing address request from Azlin. She's finally going to tie the knot soon. Heh...I could be moved to tears due to past history. Wahahaha =P

Well this is just how things are unfolding as Syawal looms. The moon is all full and round these 3 days. Its all orangey too. Niceeeee. So just a fortnight more to go.

Bleargh... Got to work later :P


Yesh, I'm finally up online in my office. Spare me the torture that had beget me the past week where I was totally uncontactable. I mean totally. Being uncontactable has been quite difficult to explain to some contacts of mine. When I explain that I am unable to use my handphone due to work commitment, they will straight away shoot the question what I am working as. That done, they are puzzled as to why a data analyst cant have his phone by him. Only when I explain that my working location is in a highly sensitive chemical manufacturing plant do they begin to understand my position. Even then some people still ask. Chemicals are not my forte but all I have to say here is that RF (radio frequency emitted by handphones and electronic gadgets) and some of the chemicals in my plant could equate into a BIG BOOM!

Haha. So now that I've finally got my laptop, I feel so much better. Except that I got a cannibalized laptop. DamN! Meaning I didn't get a brand new one. Nevermind, a laptop is still a laptop - its my first, its my IBM thinkpad ;)

Oh 1 thing got cleared at work, I am not the youngest in my department of 40 odd people. During a meeting, I had introduced myself as the youngest in the team when suddenly a girl (who happens to be sitting just across me on my right) ask whats my age. & there you have it, I am not the youngest. Ha, she declined to reveal her age but oh well. The only confirmation is I'm still the only Malay in my department. Not many Malays so far in the company that I've seen. Hmmmm.....

Being contactable and being able to blog is such a relief you know. *strokes my blog* Hahaha.

By far today has been good. I still feel sleepy as its the monday blues but at least I can sidetrack with the laptop. Otherwise its just staring into blanks and blanks of papers with small words on them. Oh and shit, my work is starting to pile up. Got lots of reading up to do and SOP's to attend to by end of the week. What am I still doing here online. Haha.

oh....to relief my stress.

Emotions are some times best kept in check by being peroccupied with nonsensical stuff such as what I'm doing at work. Oh talk about nonsensical stuff, Lady Hackwrecnch...how's your new nick coming along ah ? =)


Being a friend is tough. Not being a friend is also tough. So we choose what we want to be & either choice that we make, people will always criticize and reprimand us for whatever choices we make. For we can never please all.

Its strange how desires always lead people astray & with this I am refering to all sorts of desires. With just some cumulative action and 2 hands (or more) clapping together, it will equate into some nasty action when a central pivotal party happens to be squashed in the centre.

I always find it hard to believe whenever I'm stuck in such central roles, and being squashed and all and when I make certain decisions that I always do, it always ends up being criticized by at least one party. Oh trust me, keeping my mouth shut will end in initial peace only and the explosions that come after can some times be much much worst as I have found out in the past.

...............
It was around this time last year that I first had met my Guardian Angel. It was this time last year too that I was hanging out with a certain ms.bubble. It was this time last year that I forged close bonds with the 'M' clan from the dream creator company. It seems that this time last year, alot of things had happened which has subsequently varying degrees of relations which expanded up untill now.

At this same time, quite a few pots are being stirred up again as I am in this same timeline of the year. & if I recall correctly, it is also this time of the year in 2002 and 1999 that I had met certain loved ones that I had cherished.

October seems to be a month full of oppurtunity for me. With those oppurtunity, they have expanded into various assortments of key points in my life. I wonder now, which of those people that I'm interacting now will be another key figure/story in my life in the future.

& but of course, dirty lil secrets always seem to happen in this particular time of the year too...


I was supposed to send her off after seeing her delicate smile yesterday.

Bummer. When I awoke today to find the clock past 9. I just shook my head in dissapointment and went back to sleep. I think it was only because of the bad air quality that I was awoken jus past noon.

Bummer man that I couldnt see her off. Oh well.

The haze is worst then ever now and it really does cause a slight irritation to my throat which has been affecting me for the past 2 weeks.

Just plain bumming around the house today. Bleargh.

Will update more when I'm really in the mood.


Lets look at phrases in perspectives...

I met ms.hourglass just now and we just exchanged a few lines between us, other then the how are yu's & work, but it really was satisfying to meet her for awhile. It was kinda late when I met her and her aunt was already bugging her to be home. Supper was cancelled and I just sent her home after passing to her what she needs to bring overseas.

It aint really surprising that there are alot of times that she calls me at the very last minutes asking for favours. Me, being me, never seems to be able to reject her and I found myself whizzing from Shenton way to Tampines in a split second all for her. I have never really said anything much to her about how I feel other then the occasional jokes and teases. Maybe I already feel a lil tired at how I could be taken for a ride. I don't know. Theres a chance she could be reading this but I know it wont be anytime soon, as shes off on a jetplane tomorrow with people from my dream creator company.

& so I took a chance ...

Told her I'd be seeing her at the airport in the morning on the pretext of sending the guys. She casually asked whatever for. I paused and thought for a split second as she was getting out the car and blurted ...

"Just a lame excuse to see you tomorrow"

I took my chance and she actually smiled closing the door.

That's 1 phrase in perspective.

I met one of my nurses on thursday, and it was just the 2 of us on some sort of a date. Hah. Shes bugging me on msn now to ask me to type faster so she can read this entry ;)

Anyway, I am surprising myself with some decision that I am making with the choice of ladies I meet now. For instance this nurse, this is so bad karma for the future. Urgh! I don't know already. Anyhow she was telling how shes torn in the center, between letting go and staying on. Love & hate collide. Whats new right.

I reflected upon the situation as best to my knowledge - theoratically only of course. And I blurted out ...

"Don't stay in the center. Just love or hate..."

So good right in giving advice. Wonder why I cant relate it on myself.

So thats another phrase in perspective.

I had recently done something in my dreams' creator company which I didnt expect myself doing & I found myself unprepared for all the dire consequences. I used to think not so highly of someone when she would regularly accept the untrainables under her wing. I always stayed clear of such groups until...

I didnt know her long. Didnt know much about her. Didnt really realise what mentality she had. I guessed I found it out to late. I have an untrainable. Just plain slow and not realising things that shadow and pass by. Urgh. I cant say much cause it actually makes me feel out of place and in disgust.

And as per norm, menteri Cypher-Z was on hand to offer his support. Reviewing the situation and with his level of expertise and experience just had one thing to offer me ...

"It is your responsibility to bring her up"

That's one phrase I was scared of hearing. The unevitable had happened. With great power comes great responsibility and now alot of it is upon my shoulder. Would I back out and coward myself out of the situation ?? I really don't know...

Thats not a phrase from me, but for me & that should be taken to perspective to.

Looking at phrases in perspectives...


Hmmm what abang K silantra kita cakap is so true. Heh.

Where am I going to find the time to play track now ? since I'm on office hours and they always go on weekday cause weekend is normally packed with the skilled riders that you feel 'buddy' or 'segan' to try to strut your stuff.

Oh man!! All that money I have yet I cant indulge in the passion that I adore so much right now. Bleargh. This is going to keep me so awakeee!!!

& guess what ? I was out the whole night again just now. I just reached home lik 1/2 hour ago. Office hours and yet I have been on 3 straight nights returning home after midnight. I am so gona be flat on the weekend.

I met CPG just now for a while... some thing about her justtt, tsk! I dont know what the correct word to describe it. Weird ? ermmm something's just doesnt click with all the things that has been going on. Oh well I think I can remove the 'C' from her nick now. Heh ;P or better still change her whole nick since shes not working in production no more. Hmmm.

Strange just so strange & I just cant put my finger to it.

I caught Stay Alive after meeting CPG. Woah what an awesome story! I truly recommend all my 20 fingers and toes to everyone to watch it. ReallY! The story plot is so unique, nothing like what I've ever seen before. A wonderful horror thriller worth every penny. Better still if you've got some one cuddling up beside you, and it just gets tighter as the story gets scarier.

Wahaha. So sleepy yet so much zany things running through my mind.

Wonder how I'm going to last till Friday at this rate.

How could I have not said it for the past 3 days!!! Rose no.2 is out of the workshop and she looks mighty fine and dandy. No wonder I'm in a wonderful bubbly mood. Heh. Not even her blog hurts me now ...much!!!

*who am I kidding right*
=/ =/ =/


This is very tiring and my God its only the 1st day.

I cant seem to be going to work on office hour schedule and yet have the same type of night lepak life I used to have. All I did was go to JB and chill out at Simpang till just about 1/2 hour ago. Thats all I did tonight. Oh not forgeting yesterday I went out on a movie date at night.

Of course there was the obligatory work in the middle. It was the first day. Ha.
Induction is of course like any other place too, just simply boring. I was straining my eyes just to keep it from dozing off in the morning. The environment is not bad actually but I somehow just kept thinking of the other environment that I could have had. Hmmm...

Oh Oh big thing. I will definitely be uncontactable from now on during my work. This is due to the nature of the site that I am in. Its a bio-pharmaceutical industry and they are the manufacturers, so theres plenty of high risk reactions going on. Therefore no unauthorised electronic gadgets in the premises, especially gadgets that emits RF signals. Read - handphones. Yes, I am not allowed to be with any form of communication with me through out the whole day, so I am hard to be contacted now.

On the upside though, almost everyone has a fixed line for themselves. If only I can remember whats my number, then you peeps can call me. Haha. And another great thing, I am going to get my first ever laptop ;) yippie ;) *jumps around in glee* Okay so what if its meant for work, I can still bring it back and treat it like its mine. I just cant wait to get my hands on my own International Business Machine :)

Other then that piece of good news, nothing much. And as much as I had expected but so wished it was not, it is true. I was the only Malay in the induction. I am the only Malay in my whole team, again! and not only that, I am the youngest. Bleargh.

I was reading up much on the things that I was supposed to understand in the afternoon. It was so damn wordy (since I hadnt got my laptop yet) that I dozed off. Yah, on my first day I actually had the cheek to visit LaLa Land.

Since I didnt have my handphone with me, and also because I dont have a watch with me, I was totally clueless what the time was. I was just waiting for the seconds to tick to the time to go home. Wahaha and off I dissapeared as everyone packed up.

...its just so tiring that I am going to repeat that again later in the day, especially so since I have not enough sleep. I want my carefree late nights back. Office hour schedule cant give me that liberty though. Oh well...

we win some, we lose some.

...And when I thought that all the busy-ness would occupy my mind, the guys - Faizal especially, were talking about settling down. Urgh!!! Why that topic!!! Let it be about track, about bikes, about touring, girls, or even religion...

...talk about settling down when my mind is hoping not to go there...

urgh!!!

(-_-) I want to sleep already. Got to work in a few hours. Lets see how the day unfolds especially with my emotions and desires.


The hour is dauntingly near. It is here. Unquestionably inevitable.

I am just a short hour away from work. Wah. What a word. What a phrase. What a sentence.

It never would occur to me 5 - 6 years ago, that I would be in such a position. I never had expectied my life to have taken such twists and turns in reaching to the point that I am now. I really am surprised, appalled even.

But then again, 5 - 6 years ago, I was a nobody. Nobody is perfect by the way :)
5 - 6 years ago, I have yet to come up with the significance of my life. Now I have. I have even come up with a profund meaning to my name - backwards. Heh. I have likened my life as a rollercoaster which would face the ups and downs of life within split seconds.

Yet at the end of it, I would look back and smile. At a halt position, I would get down and look upon the ride or rides that I had taken with a smile. For all that has made me into who I am today...and who I will be in the future.

The desire is still strong though it has weakened considerably. This is still for you.

And so, a new journey begins as I take my position as a Warehouse Management Data Analyst @ GlaxoSmithKline. My steps begins here ...


Its around 7 hours more before its my 1st day at work. I am finally really feeling it, it - that I'm starting a new employment. Its suddenly hitting on me & I am wondering am I truly the best candidate that they had employed. I don't know. Some times I talk to much cock and bluff myself out of too many things to realise the real impact that it has on me.

Too much talking can some times really land you in trouble. I don't know really what have I gotten myself into.

Looking back at my first employment with Motorola, I had wondered too, how I managed to land that interview for I had totally been unable to answer the most important questions of the interview. Imagine I had to write a simple program coding during the interview and all I could come up with back then was "printf" thats all, and yet I still found myself going through 7 months of IT support in an environment that I was totally alien to. Some how I managed to pull it off for a total 7 months. What dA!!!

But the good thing of that 7 months is I had repick my 'so-called' programming skills. No! Its no where near the requirements of a diploma cirriculum, let alone mention the requirements set forth from my previous employment.

Now, tomorrow I will again be in unfamiliar territory. I will be working on a major revamp of their warehouse management system. A database yet again is what I will face everyday, only this time instead of C, linux, unix, SQL or what ever that I had somehow managed to skim through and pass, or had some relevant knowledge of, I will be working on a SAP database.

Don't even ask me what SAP stands for. I have no freaking idea & thats the reality. Thats the major blow to me. Its freaking me out how I am going to survive in the company from tomorrow onwards. Argh!

All this I'm sure is enough to cover my clouded mind from the routines of self pity and mundane self torture.

Arghhhhhh!!!

I read somewhere that once love is lost & I really mean lost, it will never be the same again. This has been going in my mind eversince I revamped my blogskin, just because I was in huge contemplations on wheather or not to include the promise. I really don't know already.

7 days to Ramadhan and I'm thinking how I will plough through the rest of the 3 weeks. How then I will plough through the festive month of Syawal. It will be my 2nd raya straight that I will be alone on such a joyous occasion. It will also be quite saddening when I think of all the distant makcik and pakciks' that will definitely ask me when I am going to settle down and all.

So love, when its truly lost, will it return ??

Something funny my dad asked me out of the blue just yesterday. He was suddenly asking how much it cost to study overseas for a year. Of all the places he mentioned, he had to mention Australia. He had to ask how much she was spending there and when she will return. Kinda of funny that suddenly he was encouraging me to use up my fund to go overseas and study. Strange. Real strange. All honesty - at the moment I'd rather get a brand new bike and supe it up all ready for the track with that money then go overseas and study and have the slightest chance of bumming into her and her happy life.

I want the Ducati 999!!!

Haha...my 30K won't even be enough for that bike. They don't call it the Ferrari on 2 wheels for nothing. K time to save up another 19K just to get the bike rolling out of the shop. Heeeeeee =P


Woke up full of aches at such a young age. tsk3.

All the activities that were meant to be, were just meant to be.

Yet another day of unfulfilled activities and promises.

MasyaAllah. Maha suci pada Allah.

At such a young age and in the holy month, I hear of yet another rider that has returned to God in such an ugly manner. For we will always pray to meet another Ramadhan. InsyaAllah.

He leaves behind a wife and a kid. Wonder how they will brace the coming month ahead.

The challenges of the holy month.

...and yet another passing