profile.
Ridak & his RollerCoaster
This is his emotional ride.



Reliving
Intresting
Denials
About
K



talk.


Seeking their lights...
Adibah - Lady
Baeyah - jezbiggie
Baitina - tinatino0ot
Baizura - Aiz
Firdaus Jamaludin - lanang
Cha Cha
Haddad
Hafriz
Hurul'Ain - ms.secretary
Haslinah - LadyHackwrench
Liyana Ramli - lynn
Linda Eain - Lynn
Liyana J - LJ
Masnoraffis - lil'un / bond
Nadiah Yusof
Noraini - norot
Nurazima
Nurul Huda - Nunu
Rasyida
Roziemah - Ogy / r0zy
Shasha
Siti Raudhah - Anggunz
Suriana - Yana
Wardah - ms.salad queen / ruzmidah
archives.
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
February 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
January 2009
January 2010
March 2010

layout.
x
resources: x

I watched the sunrise again today. This time in a more open space, something with a better view. I was at my favourite spot in ECP. Its not the best place I know to get the sunrise view, but it was enough for today. Oh I made sure I brought along the cam as well.

The pure bliss of moments where tranquility is all around you and you're constanly being covered more & more with the greatness of the sun basking at your skin. The evergreen serenity amidst the beige sandy beaches. You can clearly hear the waves singing in unison in chords higher then papparotti. You'd hear them tell tales as the backwash resides with the folklores of yesteryears.

Ever so peace. It reminded me, the waves especially, of my glorious Coast Guard Days. Makes me remember that I love the waves, cause it makes you feel peaceful. No matter how much shit there was at work...the waves could carry you away & swoon you like a baby to sleep in a cradle. Just bouyed on by the waves. -splash-



Aint the sunrise just breat taking.







The difference of a few minutes in frames and you get very different lighting background.








...Haiz...




The sun rising powerfully and I managed to catch that plane on cam (",)






This one didnt quite turn out the way I had visioned it to, but it still looks nice eiy ? My moment of explorations with the camera.

Okay what a way to start the weekend. I'll be off to melaka to meet tuah and the gang *chuckles* See you all around with more pictures...


After the sunset, before the sunrise...

Its been one long long night. I have been awake since the sun set and now the sun is rising beutifully across the blue horizon. Its a shame that no one is beside me to view it. No doubt I didnt have the clearest of vision, but from where I stood I think it was clear enough. The magnificent and breath taking view that can only be seen so early in the morning. It helps to start your day and what a sight to have started with. Or rather an image to go to sleep to (-_-)

Yesterday the old man gave a small prep talk. Was quite a touchy issue. It was meant to be more religous then anything I'm sure of that. What I absorbed though were the superficial words and how it was affecting me at this juntion of my life.

"Sekarang da ada ka ruma baru, bilik baru, ada aircon...gunakan la kesenangan ini. Jangan asyik macam dulu aje. Maju la sikit. Dalam senang dan keselesaan tu baca la quran..."

I'm sure that was what was the meaning to what I heard. The things that i absorbed into my brain, think it went something like...

'baru, baru, dulu, maju, senang'

yeah...heh as much as I hate to admit it, think that was what I really heard. Dont get me wrong, its not that I dont want to do what the old man advised, just think its what my brain is currently thinking that made me absorb all that.

I think its a generally accepted fact that we are who me make ourselves to be. This though is very very broad. So lets dwell on it for a moment, or two.

If we keep thinking about books, everything that we utter, speak & the actions we do all will show signs of books. If we keep thinking about soccer & the world cup...all our words and actions will be on soccer and the world cup. I'm sure you guys can find many zombies nowadays talking all about the latest dribbles, cards, goals and players. Some will even be side stepping their way with the occasional fakes, headers and dives all the way to their destinations. Hahaha.

So if you keep dwelling on love and the past, guessed what your words and action will be ?
* Ta-daH *

The sound advise I got translated to moving on in my life. With a new house, a new room, a new image, I should get a new set of memory to go along with it. Moving on simply. Fast track to a few hours after that advise when my youngest sister was in my room. I started to chat with her, bonding la katakan, and we were just viewing the photos from my cousins wedding, when the mouse was pointed to the folder of all my pics from the past with her.

I was quiet for a while and lamented that I should be moving on. She easily said, "Alah all that can be deleted with just a few clicks of the mouse. But you need to really clear that," as she pointed to the pictures on display above my drawer. *shrugs*

So I keep saying that I want to move on and yet I still keep to many images of the past. So what was it that I heard again ?

'baru, baru, dulu, maju, senang'

Rightttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt...... easier said then done.

I find it a lil strange that Im still quite chirpy and fresh after staying awake the whole night. Maybe the sunrise did help. Yeah I think I need more of those, and with company next time please. Oh, after a sunrise its mandatory to have breakfast as the next agenda. Funny how I cant find people to agree to have breakfast with me in the morning on a normal weekday. Don't people go to work ?? Don't they need to eat before they go work ?? Hah, at least 10 ladies were text and more the half an hour later, which is now...only 1 has replied so far. Bleargh.

So did the sunrise really help ? I am quite sure it did to a certain extent.
Maybe tomorrow I'll catch the glorious sunrise again.
Good Morning (-_-)


Lessons are always learnt when all is lost, isnt it ??

She is still very much a big part of me. Undeniably, as much as i keep moving forward, as much as I want to move on, as much as scrape through many horrendous obstacles and going through as much emotional shit, I am keep getting sucked back into my past.

I don't know if the worst is behind me. I have been trying damn hard, up to my limits, to not think about what ifs any more. But sometimes the bad habits prevail. We just cant prevent it, really. Its especially so when you're all alone and stuff. Stoning is shit i tell you, it really can kill you from the insides. Not good, not good at all.

Maybe a lil good did come from some of the reminiscing. My thoughts flew too all the time when she keeps pestering me to meet. I use the word pester, cause thats what I thought last time. I was too carefree. Maybe too much of a carefree person who was in a relationship. & I couldnt be beared by the thoughts of being bogged down by nothing else but going out with the other half. Its like we already do meet at least once a week, I think, so what more right. Yah these were the things going through my mind. Thinking and more thinking that I shouldn't be making the same old mistakes if ever love comes my way again. =/

I gotta learn to make sure that I know my priorities when I am in a relationship. Yesh, family will always come first. Then it should be 70/30 partner to friends. More time definietly should be spent of partner. True, cause we need to please our other halves to please ourselves sometimes. Careful threading though needs to be done cause you really dont want to be missing your friends in all of this, really. Don't ever let your friends utter, ' Da bilis members nampak.' Cause it hurts alot, and when you finally become single and alone at the end of it all, you'd be scrambling to find the friends. People whom you thought you could rely on. Little would you realise and only too late, that you were the one couldn't be relied on.

So its a very fine marriage of combining the times spent between friends and the other halves. I really shouldnt make the same mistake as I drifted between the 2 extremes. From spending like all my time with her, to suddenly being once a week meeting enough. For some women, once a week is enough actually. But for most I would reckon, that after spening all your time with her, withdrawing that pleasure she had comes hard, and she would only want to naturally spend more time with you. You would then only view it as being overly possesive. Stupid man!! Really dumb in making mistakes. -shrugs-

Guess this is the only solitude, I guess. To realise the mistakes and learn from it. The best outcome is of course to correct the mistakes with her...
But guess that is a big wish at the moment...

Ah the good and the bad from reminiscing.


Shall not dwell on mistakes much.
I ended the interview(twice) with my heart hanging like shit knowing I could have done better. Oh well, my parents were supportive enough, Kalau rezki dapat, they said. Thanx dear parents.

Speaking of parents, I paid tribute to them during the interview. For the essay that I had to write in my horrendous excuse for handwriting, I was asked a simple yet intrestingly challenging question what I wanted to achieve at the end of my career. A few things raced through my mind, some insightful & some childish, the foolish thoughts and stupid ones popped up fror attendance too, until I held on to a great bubble. The real reason why youngsters should go out to work, for their parents. And then the pen in my fingers just started to let the ink flow on the paper like a gushing river. As much as I was writing thinking of the great & wonderful sacrifices my parents did, my eyes stated to act up on me. Emotional me. Damn, it was before a crucial set up in front of the panel of interviewers. Oh well, thats really dead & gone now.

-Silent prayer to let me join them, please-

I was in CGH later in the day, visiting my nurse. Heh, sounds funny uh. Well I had kept in contact with a few of the nurses that took care of me during my long stay last year. So this particular nurse texted me infroming me that she was in CGH. So up popped my head visiting her, recovering from a bout of asthma attack. & woah, I got my wonderfully fair share of nurses that day. Since she was a nurse. all her friends who were also student nurses, visitied her during their breaks. What an eye wash heee ;)

She was just complaining 1 thing through my time spending visiting her. She kept lamenting how boring it was on the other side of bed. Haha. I just laughed it off. I just asked her to imagine my situation back last year. At least she could still move about. I was then classified as Complete Rest in Bed, CRIB, and I was in for 15 days =/ oh well more of that next week. For next week is my 1 year anniversary of my accident, and the death of my SRAD750 :(

Ahh starting to reminiscent again. Not very very good.

Oh my 100th post is coming up. Wonder if I should time it for da death anniversary. Heh. Anyway I just got confirmation that I'm on leave this week. Yeah off till the death anniversary. And Im heading up north for the weekend. Bike touring to Melaka. So if I go on a hiatus, you all know why. Any bikers want to tag along ?


I am struggling to form sentences nowadays. This is really bad.

I am a nervous wreck & the only feasible explanation I can find is the ouh so big Interview coming up on tuesday. I use to be okay with interviews. Never mind that it took me a few to land a job, but it was okay to me. I was confident going into interviews knowing that I can always answer anything. Now, I really feel like crammed up in a nutshell. The worst part is I cant even express it in proper sentences. This is not good for the essay.

Bleagh :(

Can I not think about that for now ?

The weekend was normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. Same ol' same ol'. Plain waiting and losing on all corners. So whats new right.

Speaking of waiting...
Anyone never had the pleasure of waiting for people ??

I am sure every individual have at 1 point or another in their, short or long, life have played the ever willy waiting game. You know the game where you sit and wait. Wait & wait some more but for what you just arent sure. Bak pepatah orang melayu baru ,'Tunggu tunggu punya tunggu macam buah tak jatuh.'

don't you just hate it when you have to wait during an appointment, meet up or whatever that you would choose to call it. Ive been patient but I am starting to dislike it very much. The pleasure of waiting and waiting almost always falls upon people who upkeep promises pertaining to time. In other words people who are punctual. Now when we talk about promises about time, 3 types of people will normally pop up.

The first is what is generally known as the punctual species. The type of persons that no matter how far or late the appointment can be, come rain or shine, you will find them at least 10mins ahead waiting for the schedule to actually happen. Yesh they will be extremely early. The correct word to use is punctual, hence the punctual species. These types will not heck a care what type of people they are meeting. Even if the other parties are known so well for notoriously being late, they just cant kill themself even to turn up a little late. They will almost always presume that the latecomers will turn over a new leaf this time. Either that or they are just in a good habit to leave early in case something crops up that can make them late. They will always inform people if there is ever the slightest chance that they maybe on time. No, not late. If they would be on time, they would text. hell if ever the remote chance that they would be late, they will 90% of the time give a courtesy call to inform of their lateness. And stupidly they will always be rushing against time to reach the appointment. Yet with each appointment they arrive be it punctual, on time or even late, they will just wait be tapping patiently for the other latecomers.

The 2nd type of people are what you would call perfect timers. They are the ones who will arrive just on the dot. If ever early, they would just give say not more then 3mins buffer. The same buffer period can be said for their lateness too. It just surprises me that there are these type of peole who manage to perfectly time their arrival each and every time. They dont encounter any least bit of time wastage on their journey to their destinations. These types of people will normally be the minority of the group. Cause its quite an impossible task to time your travelling every time down to the finest details.

Of course last but not least, will be the arrival of the star karats. These is what is sparking my thoughts today. These species of the human race, never ever realise that they are late. They will come up with all sorts of stupid excuses in their earlier teenage years. As they grow older and they find the excuses themselves stupid, they will just tend to shut up and expect people to tolerate their lateness. And the thing is they are not even sorry about it.

Examples of lateness for them is having a meet up at 2pm and only at 2pm will they sms to confirm where is the place. Of course they would be just about ready to leave their homes. So with a minumum of 1 hr would they appeart to meet their friends. Isnt this frustrating.

Actually I don't know already where I am heading now. I should just be honest, I am using this as a practise for my essay. Sheesh what lousy content.

Anyway, I will tolerate lateness for the moment. Still will also tolerate dissapearance acts. or otherwise known as bubble, aeroplane and the such. but dont take this kindness for granted. I have always been rushing for time whenever I think I could be the slightest bit late. Yet it always never surprises me that I can still be the earliest even when Im late.

Bah. Lateness is just a bad habit. Period.


Finally, after nearly 1 month after my 1st track session, I got hold of the video that was shot on that day. Cool editing thanx to mr.Srad6.

Watch in coolness as amatuers take turns and straights in pasir gudang ;)



So how was that ? did you catch me ;) coolness uh.
Watching that video just made me forget about my emotional problems for a while.

Im still waiting though. Bleargh






After all the energy you put into someone, letting them go is tough. But it's right.

Thats what I'm supposed to do based on some people's analogy. Well lets not say some, its almost everyones' analogy of my current situation. Bleargh.

With all due respect to circumstances, the waiting game doesnt respect anyone. Period.

I told you before that I'm learning to be patient again. Well I'm going through turbulent times now. Real hurricane of a test, with all the swirling of emotions and twirling of time. Its really putting my patience to a huge test this waiting game.

Almost all my life, I've been playing this waiting game. Waiting for this, waiting for that. Its not just an emotional thing, its physical as well. I would wait and wait, tap and tap, in sync with time, oblivion through the stares of the passerby's if any, and I would just continue waiting some more.

Bak pepatah orang melayu baru, 'Tunggu tungu punya tunggu macam buah tak jatuh.'

Not sure why but I am starting to resent waiting actually. Maybe cause I hear and find out too many things when I am waiting. Its as though I am waiting like a stupid fool. Hell, I can play 4 to 5 waiting games with the same number of people at the same time and yet I still end up the loser on all corners.

They say that I should stop waiting and pick yourself up. Cause when you want something done right, its best you get it done yourself. Question is can I get it done when I am not waiting ??

The ball is not in my court. The ball has almost always been in the other court. I am justwaiting for my chance. For that one glimmer of hope, that smallest chance that it would rebound into my court, so I can take it and run away with it. Run like nobody's damn business. Oblivion to it all.

So waiting game...what have you in store for me today ?



What I am definietly feeling...
I cant find Slam - Kita Terpaksa Bermusuhan in Youtube. Thats what I'm feeling too...

Maybe the lyrics will be up. Just maybe. But for now enjoy this classic from Def Leppard.



He was all covered in cuts and bruises. Sitting by the boxes reeling still from the hurts and injuries from the past. From the ashes of what was, he thought nothing more could ever be worse. He had tried to pick himself up. Yesh he did. He was constantly showing people his broad and not-so-shiny smile. He presented himself in such a clear and defined way, some would even had thought he was okay. Truth though almost everyone saw through him. The jaded him, so different and so so vastly uncomparable to his best. Hair all messed and ruffled up. Shirt unbuttoned with dirt marks all over his collar and cuffs, not to mention the neat way it was untucked. Yes this was him. Trying to recover from the past. Nothing more could be worse.

And so he thought.

She had been a rejuvenated person eversince. She had back her megawatt smile that shines and lit up every dark alley she was in. Yet with her new self and new life, she was willing to let go of it all, so so easily. At least thats from his point of view.

He had done the damage. He had initiated the brake up. And it was also he who just wanted to remain as friends. It was rather ironic that it was he who was pleading her to come back. Pleading with both kness set to the ground to accept him back. She though, after suffering from his ignorance for many months just looked away. With a small drop of tear she turned her head in ignorance and looked forward, only.

That had done the damage. That had hurt him more then his fractured bones or his torn muscles. That he thought was the worst. A small light was visible then, for they had agreed to remain friends when she moved on. She said she still had a soft spot for him. That was the only encouraging bubble of thought that accompanied his sleep since.

The closing of their online portal was expected. She had mentioned and whispered of it. He understood though very much devastated. He tried to put himself in the other guy's shoes. So as much as he didnt want to, he just swallowed it all in one single gulp.

As all the boxes still laid around strewn with memoirs of their past, he just thought to himself it could be no worse. With a click of a mouse, everthing changed.

Similar to a thief, all so quiet and careful. Something came up behind him. Something so hurtful and so so un-thought of. There a knife so sharp was weilded. It was hanged high above him. He didnt notice a thing through out, no suspicion of any kind. Now he was sure, she must have at least been delayed for a split second. Hesitant in the moment of truth.

It was done. So swift and agile. The knife all 25 cm long if it was pierced right through his back. It went in as much as as it went through. It pierced all of his heart. For it really happened. It really really happened. He turned around and was surprise it really had happened. Never in his wildest imagination, this scenario would happen.

The sharpness had caused too much damage and hurt. He just lay there as the blood of emotions spilled all over his room of blue. The colours mixed as the red and blue became purple. Fazed by all the stir in his brain and the pain from it all, he just dropped into a moment...

He had been taken out of her life, and it seems like its for good. For he will never know. Not at least for another 6 months. He still had not recovered fully from the previous battle scars and now new wounds are added. This is truly the death of his desire.


Something has been overated.
but maybe its just a one off thingey.

Yesterday during work, after the update, I had gone out of Motorola for makan. I was out with a fellow colleague. She was from the data entry team. She had been bugging me to take her for a ride anyway. Surprisingly the people from my own office didnt know I had a bike. They are what you would call, 'Pergi keje balik keje...Jalan depan mata buta buta.' Haha.

Oh and the bike ride was so over-rated! Not for her, but for me!! Hah. I always have had this thing for chinese girls. ;P Maybe that explains my choice of women. ;P haha.

Yah so this colleague of mine was a chinese. So I was like yeah. Finally a chinese girl wants to go out with me. I really dont think Ive ever gone out either informally or formally with a chinese girl. But I really cant explain it. What was all the fuss I had about chinese girls. ReallY!!

K. Im not trying to be a jerk or a racist here. But she was a let down. Maybe it was her first time on a sports bike. Haha. Seriously..or either that its cause shes malaysian ;P K im not anti malaysia k. I have relatives living there.

But yeah back to the thing about going out with a chinese girl. No doubt it was only like an hour for 'lunch' @ 1am @ Jalan Kayu. But it felt really dead. She wasnt conversing well in English and her Malay sucks. Maybe the face blurred my thoughts. Heh.

Ok, I really am blabbering nonsense.

And the best thing was when we were eating she was interrogating me like nobody's business only for me to find out shes attached. Why would an attached girl want to go out with me ?? Its like shes just a colleague, not a friend. So when I found out, the feeling really was funny.

Bleargh. The makan session with her has just spoilt all my fantasies about chinese women. Bleargh.

Think I'll stick to my taste of fair melayu ladies for now. Haha.
But then again, Im not much into dating now, so it doesnt matter much.

.....

I have this bad habit of counting the chicks and seeing them grow and counting their chicks even before the original eggs hatch. Must learn to keep this under control. Hope everything goes smoothly, if not my thought bubbles would go poop again!


I am remembering something.

My room now seems very2 clean & neat. All the things are nicely pack and looks damn presentable. Apa tak, the house warming was just last sunday, so it was spruced up. Much of it was done by my mum. She just unpack and unpack and unpack. Why her...? cause her son keeps picking up objects and reminiscing.

It would take me forever to truly clean my room up. There are seriuously a few things I have totally forgotten about altogether. I found a birthday present for my 19th. It was a shake-er ball thingey with glitters for insides and something nice as well. Normally these crystal balls would have mini landmark or such. And you can shake the ball and see the wonderful glow it gives. Mine though was special.

This crystal ball of mine had as the center piece my picture. All done up by one of my closest girl friend ever. It was really nice and special to look at. Especially since she had chosen a really good looking photo of me *gasp* haha. Theres a small tinge of sadness though. Through the years, the liquid from the ball has started to leak out, and whats left is just the glitter and photo inside. Its still nice to look at though. Thanx mamar.

Then theres a watch.

A gift from her. Can't remember if it was any occasion, think it was just a random gift. Something she found nice. And it was nice. I wore it always back then, until my accident. Truly and sincerely I say that when I was conscious that night, I remember feeling pain. Not just from the physical aspect but emotional as well cause the impact to my body had damaged the watch's strap and it was in pieces. Yet I still kept it. And during all the house moving and all, my dad found that watch. The dear old man took the pains to find a watch genius to mend the watch. Ok the strap was not metallic any more but the whole thing still looked nice and presentable. And when he presented it back to me yesterday I was totally speechless. I really don't know if I am to wear it.

Oh theres also a special head mask.

Think whoever went into my room would surely have seen it the other day. That mask goes all the way back to 98. I still keep such things. When someone asked me the other day why I had it, since I wasnt in any special ops force during NS, I choked for a while thinking how I had that. It was for a glorious presentation back in my Dunman days. Wonder if any of the other guys still have theirs. Talking about Dunman days, I also found my Guard of Honour pic of 98. Ah the glory days. Those were my chubby and kental days looking fugging horrible. Its no wonder no girl ever wanted me. Ha.

You see I could go on and on about the things I have found. It will only make me smile and smile yet I will never move forward. I will forever be stuck in the past.

Is that any good ?

There are some things that I have been searching for since my room was renovated abruptly in 2002 that are still missing. There are a few pictures which I cherish alot. A certain time frame in my life which I would describe as 1 of my most colourful. I said it back then & I still agree that when it comes to schooling memories I love the time from my O's prelims all the way to the last days waiting for my results in Outram Inst. That was such an eye opener in my life.The wonderful people and the vibrant colours they added to my life sticks to me till today. 1 of the ways that makes me love that period was the number of pictures I had. Alot, seriuosly. Alas I am missing all those pics. Where oh Where can they be. Anyway ms.secretary our infamous pics from beside the library is sadly missing. So is the fast game with cicako. And not to mention the groupies of OI =(

with all these rememberances, today I remember something else...

I remember how I tried to cope with depression back a few months ago. Today something sparked it again. I should keep up what I did today. Question is, can I though ??

After supper with Oji yesterday and chatting with her somemore later that night, I only found myself in Lala land during dawn. Yet rest eluded me. As early as 9 am my parents just had to wake me up to switch the circuit breaker on. And there pagi2 shouting match was in place. Sorry mum, but you just dont want to admit when you're wrong. Guess thats where I got it from. :P How could they not trust what I said with regards to electronic circuitry. I had to really show it to them, that I was spot-on, and yet I was still in the one to be blamed and scolded. Bleargh.

Thats not the story anyway.

Soon after when trying to find the Z monster again, 1 of my former padawans called. He asked if I could cover despatch for sumone. And the lines were traced back all the way to an acquaintance from SP. She was my youngest sister's senior at Cedar and I had gate crashed at her chalet once. So when she asked for help, I just obliged. Oh shes a recruitment consultant. So I reported for despatch duty at Alexandra by noon. This of course was after making sure I tightened my bike handling. Imagine a screw had gone missing. The mechanic asked what silly stunts I had done since I had powerful Brembo brake pump. Haha.

The day was just busy, out sending parcels and collecting un-necessary packages for Sato Asia Pacific ;P Cool place though. Wouldn't mind working there if there are other openings. Not despatch la, though on a part time basis ok what. So what if its only a meagre sum.

The thing that I want to say is, the time passed so fast and made me so tired that I couldnt think about anything except just on whats going on. Its like kinda the period when I worked 29 days straight night shift. Now that theres off days, its not possible anymore. So I remember...

Yeah thats the rememberance of today. I got to make sure I am busy so busy that I'll drop flat out whenever I meet my bed. All of it is irony though when I can be free like this at work sometimes. Haha. Oh ms.secretary since when have you adapted the, "dir oh dir" and I wont forget, definietly. You're helping alot already. You'll get the things from me A.S.A.P. Thanks ;)

So if anybody wants any work, temporary or anything, look for me. I'd get through to Shasha the recruitment consultant, who would definietly be eager to fill up those empty positions.
Wise guy! Nak kerja despatch ak ?

K I am sidetracking so far of. Ha.
Yet I still remember...

I remember what made me strong abit. Just got to keep myself busy. Busy as a bee. Just got to work my ass off. So what if I keep earning money and no one to spend on. I'll find some one, it may not be now, but I'm sure I will. And it still could be her.

Kalau jodoh tak ke mana.


& someone said,
"Yu don deserve tis dir.
Really. Goodnight."
and with that i was left stubbed to the ground with her words.

Its making me wonder how I really am viewed by my friends. I really, really do wonder.

Whenever I heartily pour out my inner self to people, I only seem to get one thing again & again. People keep telling me to keep moving forward. My oh my I really am slow to pick up things arent I. People have been telling me that for ages already now & I am still stuck in this cycle.

This just proves 1 of the theories Ive spoke of before. Things will never move for people until they do what is meant right for them. So until I learn this value, whatever it may be, I will be stuck rooted in this viscious cycle..even if I seem to move on.

So I will never really move on till something I promised is settled. I have not forgotten. So be it that you don't read this blog. So be it that you dont respond to me. So be it. The promise is still there for me, and thats my hurdle to complete. So let me complete it please ?

Recently I had read a friends archive posts and I found a post rather intresting. I am particularly intrested in how she classifies evil men. Haha. This is an excerpt...

1) falling in love with a man who has no intention of getting a job.
At the end of it, the woman loses money. The man has no sense of shame or responsibility. Might as well be a pimp! The man is also capable of sweet talking you into doing anything.

2) falling in love with a man who has no intention of getting married.
This is not so bad. But you may be so hung up with him and he will never end up proposing to you. He may also have no money. Most of my guy friends say this to me.IF a man is really ready and serious to settle down, before he even woo you, he'll already have the money for a wedding. Now that's a serious man. Otherwise, it may work, but chances of it failing is there. Especially when the man never say he wants to settle down with u.

3) falling in love with a married manAt first, it's fun.
He could've been a stable man with transportation. Loaded with cash and will pamper you like nobody's business. He will bring you everywhere you wanna go. Even for short mini-breaks. If his wife is not home, he will bring you back to his apartment and watch movies (porn mainly) and fuck you. If his wife is the one who earns more dough, chances are, he'll make sure he picks you up and goes over to his house so that he can fuck you. If transportation isn't available, he'll pay for your cab fare. But basically, why he treats you like a princess, though he claims he has fallen in love and when you do not call him, he gets pissed...is because he just need some tender loving care. HONESTLY, this kinda man should go have sex with the prostitutes. Cheapskate!

4) falling in love with a man who claims he care but actually doesn't.
He says sweet words but truthfully deep down inside he just wants to fuck you. He'll fuck you senseless. He probably is the best sex you ever had. He calls you constantly. He is however, careful with his money. He probably do have savings in his bank but not ready to settle down because he still loves his freedom.

Intresting uh how men are classified ;p
Anyway here is where you can read more about Nisa_Rk.

So wondering how I am viewed, I really do hope I do not fall into any of the above category. Easier still I dont wish to be classified. Haha I just heard about the ladder theory from Oji just now. Panjang umur dia, baru log in. Heh.

Oh well tomorow got to head down to the bike shop. After meeting Oji just now, my bike handling was simply crazy. I need more late night out people lah. Suddenly its drying up and everyone is busy haha. So just beep me for supper, you'll definietly have company if I'm not on my shift.

(-_-)


when you move forward, when you least expect it, something just whams you back into the past.

I know definietly that I'm not over her. Thats certain for sure. But I had thought that I had been up and alive in recent weeks. It made me say that I was already out of depression. Strange man! It really is. When I least expected it. Mind blowing things just blast me back into my douldroums of the past, back into the depression. I think.

I'm not sure if I had been totally out of depression in the first place. Now every little thing seems to affect me alot. All those small little emotional things just hit me hard. I havent even started about trying to adapt to the new house. Urgh.

I really do want to move forward. I really do want to.

I want to go out tonight but got no companion. This is sucky being stuck at home on a off day. Bleargh. Real sucky. I wana go out tonight. Someone please beep me.

=/


Something that my sister said meant alot to me & it went something like...

"We all have lived in Bedok Reservoir for donkey years & we did it a grave injustice by not having any wedding reception at that block."

Yah. Funnily I truly agreed with what she said. Its somehow funnily true how the type of attachment I have with that house, that leads me to think and agree with what my sister said. So maybe the atmosphere of my house warming covered it all up.

A friend that came asked me, "Ko tunang ke ?"
Right, just because the house was nicely done up. Just because there was tables of food, just because there were many people. Haha. Oh well it was a warm & fuzzy feeling. A good one to start in Tampines. Definietly though, it wasnt to celebrate my engagement. I mean like...who wants me =

She did. Let me spell that out again. D - I - D.

With the recent wedding of my cousin Nana, and the atmosphere of my house warming, all my relatives were again asking me when was my turn. According to the hierachy on both parents side, it was to be our turn. The other cousins were either too young or they already had other plans. So its up to me & my sisters.

The same old questions. "Gf ko tak datang ?"
"Mana matair ko?"
And of course...about her as well...
"Mana dak australia tu ?"
Oh especially with me still being dumb to display pics of her on top of my drawer,
"Bila dia balik?"

Same ol' same ol'
I dont see where all this is heading. Its one big rush of frivent emotions. I keep telling myself that Im stupid. That I'm still not over her, trying to be strong. Trying to be tough, trying to maintain the smile. Yet with each person that I showed my room to, she will almost always remain a topic.

I truly am being silly.

Well all that has ended already today. Damn tired but there is a certain sense of accomplishment. Not sure though what I accomplished, maybe its what my parents had wanted, what I had felt. Unsure, just unsure.

I truly would like to thank my dear friends who made the long2 trip to Tampines. Really appriciate you guys coming down. Thanx for the wonderful gifts too. You people just made me accept those gifts ;) hehe. I'd like to apologise if I wasnt a good enough host, running around all over. Heh still being the family driver, driving people around & fetching stuff here & there. Thanx my dear friends.

Of course there were a few who didnt turn up. Really had wanted their presence. Maybe somethings just werent meant to be. Definietly not in my control.

Its now 2am. Just saw Brazil finished off an unlucky Aussie side. Thats football. The ball is round. Thats life too...the cycle will repeat. Let it reach the good parts quick, oh please.

*intense blood and aura running through my bodily hair*

=/


Here is a very2 quick update from work.

Wednesday - track day.
Felt the corners so good. getting better & better. Knee sliders even kissed the track a few times. I was that low and that fast. But the devil got the better of me, and urges to try to overtake end me straight into the gravel and :(
I fell in the gravel. Rose is all scarred on the right :(
On the way back, vented my anger on the highway and reached a high of 287km/h. Wow.

The repairs were just for funtionality. Realigned my tyres and fork. Oh found out why I keep losing grip before the corners. My brake piston had jammed. Changed to new Brembo front brake pump that cost a BOMB. Together with new rear brake pads and the labour costs, it totalled $525. Thats not even repairs for the external damages :(

Oh anyway I am fine. Just momentarily. And as expected my dad laughed at my skill after finding out I skidded. -shrugs-

Wednesday is full of events.

The moving was 3/4 complete on wednesday night. Only the beds remain at bedok. The whole family was at tamp at night unpacking when it happened. I was in prone position on the floor resting when an unexpected weight overcame my body. My body just jammed. Sharp pain & sensations overcame the right side. Numbness crept in and I was wailing like a baby. I just couldnt move my arm.

What a way to start at a new house. The ambulance arrived to bring me to CGH. I hated that trip. I was thinking, not again, not warded again!! except if I was to be in Ward36 again, then can meet Nurse CT again. ahaha...Anyway I was jabbed with painkillers and the numbness just grew. The excruciating pain was no longer there but I was at a loss for words. Hours later and already into the wee hours of thurs morn, the doctor discharged me, only ensuring that I come back for re-check.

:(

What a wednesday.

Even in all the pain, the house moving continued on thursday. I even rode my Rose & Ezliana to the new Tamp carpark. Not much of a help anyway. Finally my family has settled in Tampines. Oh I quickly found new buddies. There was a group playing takraw at the court of my block, and wadya know I saw a secondary junior. Great! Buddies just need to get my arm out of my sling to do acrobats again. Ouch*

So today is friday. Have already taken the walk to Pasar Bulat. Its not really that far but in the pain I was sweating profusely on a cloudy morning. The past few days especially wednesday will be in my memories for quite some time.

And my blog has hit 2 months. Maybe thats the only cheer.

I have officially moved.
Come visit me with new house gifts for the open house ;)
Blk 126 Tampines St.11 01-474
See you on Sunday after 3pm.


Definietly the last post from my beloved apartment I call home for the past 21 years.

Reflecting & looking back...
these 21 years have seen plenty of action in my house. I was just a wee tall when I first trotted into the house back then. Now as my family is migrating out, I stand tall amongst my loved ones.

Like my height that has been increasing through the years, so has all the knowledge that I have gained in this house. From all the small informal classes my mum gave me with regards to my inquisitive curiosity, to all the formal classes my dad provided the family. From learning how to cook maggi, to the basic computer lessons when it first rolled into the house. All the late night studying on the dining table to all the star gazing from the balcony. This house has seen it all.

This house that Im moving out of, I really am sad to leave it. Like all things, some good things come to an end. Maybe its meant for my family to get bigger and happier things in a smaller apartment. Ironic uh. It certainly is teaching me 1 major thing now, its teaching me to move on. Move forward & of course to leave unnecessary baggage behind.

Like all good memories, there are also the less significant ones. Things which we would all rather not remember. Somehow these insignificant memores are important. This is what I have come to appriciate. Its only with all these unhappy moments would we understand the true meaning of happiness when it comes.

For a person can only be 99% happy. The 1% of unhappiness is to understand how to appriciate the 99%. Totally chiminology uh. I read that from sumwhere by the way.

So going on that note, I will try to be more acceptive of the events & situations I am facing right now. All these will, I am sure in good time, make me understand how happiness truly is...I hope.

One things for sure now, I am definietly out of depression already. The memories are still there. Just that Im no longer in depression. What I am trying to cope with now is how to let go. This is very very tricky. Letting go. How does one truly let someone go, esp after all the fond memories.

By accepting others maybe ? I have been accepting many forms of people into my life since. Maybe because I accept these people that I am out of depression. Some how though I dont think by accepting these people I would be able to just let go and move on. I really think theres something missing in all of this. Im sure I knew it before but I cant seem to put my finger to it. Anybody know ?

With me trying to move on and getting along with life, I certainly will not lose hope. Hope will always be there. Just that 1 little chance, I dunnoe though what would happen if it really comes, but just 1 more chance. Hmmm...

And this would close 1 chapter in my life. 1 large chapter, or maybe 1 whole series of my life...21 years of it.

K time to dismantle the PC now.

...with love from bedok reservoir.


With referance from down under, just a short line...
I am being ignored. Sigh. Oh well...life still has to go I guess =/

There is a high chance that this is truly my last post from bedok reservoir. There has been some complications with moving & the new house and all. Surprisingly some renovations till being done. Don't know la how its all being planned. I am just a kid ;p don't want to get involved with how my parents are runnning it all. Nanti dorang cakap biadap plak, no I wouldn't want that.

So all the house moving SHOULD be completed by thursday. But I got instruction to dismantle the PC by tonight. Everything's been settled. The phone line has been transfered. The broadband has been transfered. It will only be activated on Saturday. So after this or the next post, maybe, I'll be on hiatus till then. Or if some kind soul can let me use their PC for an hour or two. Haha.

Guardian Angel, we'd be neighbours already. Hows about letting me use that PC ;p

There so much memory this half empty house is giving me. It really seems hard to move on and part ways with 21 years of my history. Theres just so much memories.

Wonder which is really easier, 21 years in a home or a 2 year almost 3 year on-off relationship. Which is easier to forget ?

I want to let it all out but its quite difficult. Today the date is so significant last time but I am ignored. Argh enough said, dowant to blabber more on that.

Oh to all my friends my house warming will be this Sunday. Please do come. You are all invited. Sorry that I have yet to sms each and every one of you, but it will come. To those who want to strengthen their inner selfs, the kenduri is at 2pm. Those who just want a free lunch ;P and meet me with gifts, come after that. Haha. Make sure dont come empty handed, I need new stuff for my new smaller room. Heh. A 21" Widescreen LCD tv maybe anyone ?

Really2 busy this period of my life. Its only mid year yet so many life changing things have happened in 2006. Can't really wait for the rest of the year to unfold. So till either an update before the computer goes tonight, else see you all from Tampines on Saturday ;)


I take 3 steps forward but yet I keep taking 2 steps backwards...






Words can no longer describe what I am actually going through, what I am feeling. Its a numbing feeling that I really cant find words to fit the puzzle. Its absolutely absurd this feeling, a reeking and stabbing pain thats slowly rotting there in my heart.

I really cant find the best words to express the true things that I am actually feeling. I want to so much, to express it all out yet the despair is just that. Its blankless. My expression is just blankless as blank can be.

Its a strange period of my life now. Of absolute ups and downs in matters of splitting seconds. Crucial seconds that my dear buddy, Valention Rossi would be ashamed up when hes making his laps. Ha.

Life can be cruel to us some times. That of course is looking at the negative aspect of it all.
& life can also be very kind to us. For in all honesty life is very kind to us, we have yet to just see the best of it.

Life has been kind to me. I really am thankful I still am alive. I am closing in on a crucial date in my life. A date that definietly I would post about. Not now though but it is near.

Thinking and reflecting about that incident just shudders me some times and it does make me laugh abit at all this silly feelings that I'm having. Abit childish even you would think. But as simple as people always tell me, and even I tell people, it really is not as simple as it looks.

Do you think I really want to suffer like this ?

It really is always easier said than done.

C'mmon!! Up man & go. Push harder!! I'm sure I'll make it out alive, unscathed even...maybe ?!?

What is all this rantling about tonight also, I am unsure. This feeling of numbness is overcoming me tonight. The serenity of the office at night doesn't provide much blanket or cover for this waning heart thats been allowed to reminiscent alot.

Oh the truth of it all. Having friends really does help and strangely sometimes these friendship comes in unique and funny ways. But it does really help and I have to thank all those people who have helped me come so far.

I will be trying to be more expressive definietly. So dear friends help me out of this k ;)


I don't know why I keep tripping and tumbling over the smallest things ever!!

I really don't understand why all little stupid nonsensical stuffs always come in front of me. The worst thing is, its not that I don't see them, I do. And yet I still always tumble, trip and fall unglamourously over all the small pitholes in life. Literally & methaphorically.

And with my head hanging low and shaking in disbelief, bewildered at it all, I raised my hand high waving it estatically stopping all those offering and approcahing for help. This especially works when no ONE is approaching for help or had even noticed. Oh God... she is heavy and I am getting weaker ??

My house is half moved. Yes, half moved. All the major wardrobes and cupboard are moved together with their contents of course. Boxes and boxes of contents. Boxes and boxes of memories. Funny, now my house is just of beds and electronic goods. Oh let not forget now the new sets of boxes.

Yesterday, it was a while since I was riding alone. Yup. I travelled up north to fill up my tank, all alone. No pillion, no member riders. No nothing. Its been a while. It was a surreal feeling. Juz whizzing and ghosting along the expressway alone. No anak dara orang behind me to think of or care for. No members who don't like to speed to wait for. No nothing. Just simple me and my machine. Its really been a while since I had that feeling. A warm intense feeling being blanketed by the cold wind brushing against me. Just me and my machine.

The checkpoints were clear and I was safely back in Singapore with a very heavy tank, when I decided to spin around. Why I decide to take this extra spins I will never know. For it made me trip again at the end of the spin. Oh that heavy tank of mine. Trip inside and out. Literally and methaphorically of me.

Am I not strong to overcome this episode of my life ? Why am I still struggling to overcome the shadows of the past. Still being humbled with traces of spacedust of what was once...

And in the agony of it all, the jumbled up feelings always trip and tumble down the hill. Down and down the hill, a steep hill at that. Just imagine you rolling up a popiah. Ah you get that same effect when you roll down a steep hill. You're all beaten up and rolled with such uneven-ness.

Unless of course you got that chefs fingers to roll a popiah, you would understand.

So I am now of a battered popiah. So delicious on the outside. So looking nice and soft, all ready with the sambal. But a popiah has the insides tumbled all over, just ready to burst out all over the floor when you bite into them. Oh this is making me want popiah. Bleargh*

Tripping over a popiah hill. Yeah I trip over all the popiah hills. I must be careful now where I place my feet onto. Whoops.

That was a banana skin by the way. Hah.

I pick myself up in utter disgust, head hanging and shaking in disbelief. When I looked up...

@}-^--

Its been quite some time since I heard from you. No news at all from you. I know you're busy studying for your exams and all, busy spending time with your new partner, busy with all the things that are on offer in a new life down below. But I'd just wish that you remember me back here for I am constantly remembering you. Its really getting harder though. My images of you are fading more and more. The memories that we shared are fast doing a dissapearance act. And it only lies with you to rekindle any form of spark or magic.

Study hard and good luck for your exams.


Well I was wrong, the previous post wasn't the last from bedok. Heh.

I've got it all wrong. Either I'm starting to became really deaf and not hear what people tell me, I'm losing my memory or my mum didn't tell me. What I think though, its because I'm always asleep the whole day long, only for me to be not at home at night (due to work or jolly).

So its no real surprise. Today the stuffs are being moved out, partially. Its funny how its all planned out. The furniture is moved on saturday and sunday. But the family will only move in on wednesday. Farnie. & of all days, wednesday 14th, argh I cant burn rubber anymore on that day.

So its havocingly and rushingly packing all my stuff, bar the computer. Heh, I'm going to move the compt myself on wednesday. Anyways, sidetracking, anybody moved house before and transfered their broadband account ? Whats the actual procedure uh ?

Back to packing. All things emotional were suddenly frenzied out in a state faster then you can blurt out the alphabets. Yup. It was that fast. My mum wasn impatient with me doing all slow and being sensitive, which to throw and which to bring over.

Can't really help it since I'm downgrading to a smaller flat. Many things are to be thrown. So many2 things when they are dug out made me reminiscent. Aiyo, the thought of it all.

First of the few items was my first ever helmet. When I had my license back then in 2000, I had the pleasent surprise of being presented with a full suite of biking stuff from my dad. A new bike, a full face helmet and gloves and pass me down boots to go along. So talking about that helmet. Its been stacked away on top of my cupboard for eons already. I havent used it since 2003 when I no longer was riding my aprilia, the original Rose.

So its brought down, all dusty. Inner cushion all spoilt and not worth wearing, cause I read sumwhere recently that a 'good' helmet had a lifespan of only around 5 years. Thats a helmet thats a good quality that hadn't been dropped. This helmet of mine had been through all 5 of my initial accidents with my aprilia. All the scratches and all. I was really hesitant in wanting to keep it for old times sake. Alas the decision is to throw it away. siGh.

Lets not forget the single seater the other day. Aiyoh. All the heartache.

The whirlwind continued, with all my trophies being packed in boxes. All those forgotten memories of me. Of running, of takraw, of my silat, of dikir and all my NS commendations. The flurry of it all was too much at 1 go. Shucks man, I'm so sensitive towards all this stuff.

I havent even gone to all the 'stuff' from the women in my life. Quick glances to small pieces just made me stare into space, wasting time. The emotional waves of it all. All the small notes, cards, pressies that I've always kept, from whoever they were from. Heh.

Talking about stuff from people...I have this mug. A birthday present from an annnonymous person, till which I still do not know who it is from today. Upon looking at it, I can still imagine that day vividly like it was yesterday. The date, 17 April 1998. I was 16. That day I had Art class conducted by Art monster, Mr Dzul. That kind man. Ha. Art for artisticly inclined 'O' students was 4 periods back then. It was half a day of school. We would always go to the art room in the morning, and waste time till recess. Haha. That day, after art, the students(me included of course) made the way to our classroom to put our stuff before heading for recess. There it was. A gift so nicely wrapped and placed on my table. There was not even a clue of evidence who it was from. All those years, I'm still trying to figure out who it is from. A nice mug with my star sign, Aries. There was just no indication who the gift was from. Strange. I really do not why. Its been 8 years.

That same year too, I recieved another gift. A reebok cap. From 5 wonderfully close ladies, back then. The 5 ladies whom had forged a close unity with me tru our love of NPCC ;P hehe. I still have that cap with me. Thanx norijah, suhailie, hafiedzah, mardiana A.R and shuhui. I'm really reminiscing alot in such a short span of time.

All the hari raya kards that Ive kept nicely in a file was also seen. woah, such kind people who always remember me year in and out.

Let me not forget all those magical stuff thats of the now defunct Outram Institute. My short but long lasting memoirs of pre-U days. Hah. Theres a picture frame given to me by dear neighbour-bes gal friend-confidante, for my 17th birthday which sums up my time at OI. 5 great guys all with different background of academic and upbringings but were close during a short 3 month spell. 5 white uniforms and a blue one. Heh, isnaen...isnaen. Wonder how you are now.

Woah just reliving what I had packed makes my hair stand thinking about the great history I had. I really cant seem to bear to move out, really. Its been so many years. 21 to be exact. Memories will be memories.

When all the bitter sweet things that I picked up, thinking to throw or to bring over, I always end up with my more emotional side. Thinking there would be space and just it being packed. Even those memories of her. I don't know what to do with all of those stuff.

I always try to move forward but I just cant seem to. This house moving is a classic example. I should just move forward and drop all my excess baggage behind, right ?

I found the watch you gave me. A simple steel watch that was actually very nice. To bad its metal chains are broken now. Its broken due to my accident last year. I was wearing it only to wake up in pain at the accident site - not bodily pain first, but emotional pain cause I saw my watch that you gave had broken of my wrist. The wrist that had been swung wildly causing the shoulder blade to crack apart. =(

In the end, I still packed that watch over. I really don't know why. I havent been wearing a watch since, except special occasions when I wear my Seiko watch handed down by my dad. Sigh. What turmoil I'm facing. I really don't know if any of you can feel what I feel. Its a hurricane I tell you in me.

Argh!....I need to let it all out. Tonight, after all the moving later...maybe 'll go for a ride to no where. To let it all out. Any takers for my pillion seat ?


Life has a very funy way of teaching us all values.

They say patience is virtue. They say patience teaches a man many things. I believe in all these things for I had at one point of time been very2 patient in my life.

I would get compliments, and they came a plenty. All telling me the wonders on how patient I was. If I'm not mistaken, there are a few testimonials to vouch for this virtue of mine in the wonderful world of friendster. Heh =p

With all this compliment going around of me being patient, think the surroundings and environment got up to me head. I slowly but surely began to lose my cool at a certain point of my life. I was begining to became very2 impatient. This was especially so amongst people that I cared for, none more so than to her. This is something that I have realised. Yes I do realise it. I apologise to you, for having such a short fuse. In the 2 years that our love blossomed, it was no doubt that my patience for small little irritance grew thinner and thinner.

It was like I couldn't stand it. I would easily pout and vent my frustration on things that I didn't like you doing. & this was coming from a guy, me. Someone who was so called patient!!

Time passes by and all things will eventually return full circle.

Thats why I have started with saying how funny life teaches us this virtue called patience.

Circumstances in life would teach us many2 things. There are many things in life now that I'm going through which is so easily making me frustrated or angry. But what's the use right of having a short fuse. I believe I am not a very temperemental person. Therefore lucky for the people around me. Ha.

This situations, especially with the women I meet now in my life is teaching me this thing called patience again. I truly believe that. I really am able to look at the sadness in a far sighted point of view again. To be optimistic, and be happy go lucky again. Its all coming back again, slowly but surely.

I may not be the most 'patient' person in the whole world, but 1 things for sure, I am learning, re-learning this value again. This wonderful virtue thats so important in life. I am re-learning it all over again.

How I'd realise this ? It all boils down to the lady & gentleman this morning. When an apparent 'boyfriend' comes to see the 'ex girlfriend' dating again(of course I'm so called 'dating' that girl). I ended up with the shorter end of the stick and I wasn't even in the fault. Thingking of such perplex situations can easily make a person go nuts already but 1 things for sure, I think I handled such complexity this morning in my own stride.

Eons ago, in my past 2 relationships, such things that had happened, would have easily made me blow my air out on that particular lady. I am sorry, for that part I am very guilty. No doubt I was not light handed, but to women words meant much more, right ??

And so I just quietly took my leave in all the chaotic banter that I experienced. It really is so lucky that I am not very expressive. Ha. Oh well.

It truly is teaching me patience. Life is making sure that I dont lose this virtue that I once had, and this time I'm telling myself that I would make sure I dont lose it again. Patience really is a virtue and I want that to be a part of me.

So that sums up patience. Heh. Just 1 thing that I've wanted to touch on but havent really had the chance to so. Any way my computer is going to the boxes soon. I am thinking that this could be my last ever post from bedok reservoir. Schuks, and I don't even have pictures for this post of my wonderful home of 21 years =(

So if this really is my last post from bedok, let this be my wonderful parting note. Something thats going to open up my life when I am in Tampines, heh. I read it just now and its quoted from Rocker Richie Sambora,

"Tell my female fans I'm single and ready to party"

Hahaha.... thanx dear bedok reservoir for all the wonderful memories and in true rocker jiwang fashion... Terima Kaseh!!


It has finally happened.

Yeap, it has finally happened. I have dreaded for this day to come. But it has happened. The last real evidence of what were our remains. That final bit of piece that was a glimeering hope for me has finally crashed down to earth. Its no longer there, it has finally been closed. Thats the biggest sign yet that you have really2 moved on. You want to forget me already. & it only seemed like yesterday when you first told me that you were moving on, that you had suddenly are attached now. And with those words you still told me that you had a soft spot for me. We would still be in regular contact and that you were not sure.

Its all clearing up. Yeah you are sure now. All the screenshots from down under showing your ever cheery smile. I havent really seen you smile like that for quite a while. He must be really someone great to you. Glad that you have found him, good for you you're moving on. In a certain sense...I'm emotionless of the closing down of our online portal. I really am not sure what to say.

Speechless.

I still am coming to terms with this phase of my life. The departure of 1 desire for you. The death of it all. I still am losing focus on this. Its all still haunting me.

A strange thing this desire. It works like sense. When 1 desire dies (or goes into coma), another or a few more desires will spruce up or they just became more active. They start to grow, start to give me different time of emotions this other desires. Its really strange.

1 point of time I remember I was working like 29 night shifts straight without even a rest day. That desire was strong. Trying...really so called trying to prove to you that I could live without you. Trying to foucs my attention elsewhere. That desire is fading away to, esp with the devastation. The last trace of what we were....all gone now.

Nowadays, I'm very2 tired again. Night shift has split to 12 hrs. I hate 12 hour shift. Its making me really tired with loads of spare time to burn my money away. But to burn that money away I need people, you mainly. You're not here though. You used to wait in anticipation for my off days when I was still in service. And we would just spend the time lazing away, happily enjoying each other's company.

Now my off days are barren. I have to start doing what you always taught me, to plan ahead. No longer do last minute plans work regularly no more. They only work when you have someone loving you by your side ;( Now I have to think and utilise my brain to come up with activites to do on my off day, gather the correct people and then ensure the co-ordination goes smoothly. Otherwise...

What's the use, I'll just rot away on my bed of nails.

Wait!!! I can't do that no more, at least for the time being. This months is so busy. My cousin's wedding, and now the house is just littered with boxes labelled with all the various room names stuck on it. I'm surrounded by boxes. The bed of nails is going soon, too. This computer is going soon too. Its all happening.

This weekend I'll say goodbye to my humble abode my family has called on for the past 21 years. I really don't want to move. I am too comfortable already. I don't want to start anew. So its strange, that I've always wanted to move house to Tampines, yet when now its a reality, I'm dreading it.

It's all wrong timing. My life is always about wrong timing. Why did you have to close it down now. I still did regularly turned to that page for solace and now its gone.

It has finally happened. More things are going to happen.
Ridak...are you ready for it all ??


And with the pouring of the rain was a blessing I have yet to find out. Heh.

In a very kiddy and childish manner, I'd simply put it in SHUCKS!! why did it have to rain on my track day ?? But after riding for so long and being mature and far sighted, theres a certain reason thats not allowing me to test the track today.

I was all geared up. All suited, just left for my helmet to be put on. Looking far I was saying a silent prayer, when an uneasy feeling came over me. Again I said it, and again I chanted it...and down poured the heavens. Slowly and a little at first, then for a while it seemed the sun was out, only for it to be heavier and heavier.

1/2...then an hour...to 1 1/2 and a decision was made. We had already de-kit and now we suited up for a different reason. The journey home. All still in the rain. We will come back to this track. I'm certain, insyaAllah. Next week on the 14th I'll burn rubber. Yeah, I will.

For things happen for a reason. I know now why, cause its meant for me to sleep!!! Cause tonight I work!!! Oh SHUCKS!! (-_-)


Time & Tide waits for no man...

Heh, I am chatting with a friend now, thinking what to write & how to start when I typed this line in the msn chat box, "My life is the epitome of a topsy turvy rollercoaster ride." Generally agreeing she chipped in, "it either gives u d thrill of ur lyfe or makes u vomit..."

How so very true, very very true.

So how do we, or rather I manage this rollercoaster ride of mine ? How do I manouever it well enough on the tracks of fate, to choose my best pre-destined future ? When do I make the correct switch of tracks to be fulfill my best darma ?

I have been waiting too much in my life for my hidden talent to come out. You know, that thing that everyone has. A certain talent in which is unique only to the individual and which will make them, the individual, a winner. Bakat Terpendam dikatakan. Well for my case its bakat terpendiam, cause its remain hidden all 24 years so far. If I keep on waiting, and not trying to create my own best destiny...where I will land, I will never know.

Been doing too much waiting of late. Been repeating scenarios which just tend to make me rot at home. Been there, done that, really don't wish for them again. But we humans, I specifically always tend to repeat the worst of my mistakes. Why do I always get myself in such situations I do not know. I really am tired of waiting.

And so the likes of waiting & rotting at home the whole day today is a very sucky feeling. Its especially so when hopes are pinned up high only for it crash down to the floor, being obliterated in the process. Then without caution to the wind its resucrected this hope, high up into the sky again. Waiting is of course a process for the skies. Just plain waiting...for the tornado to suplex me back to the ground in ol' school wrestling style. Ouch*

I have been hurt. Don't fret nor worry for me, its just a minor tear, there right there, just a small one. *points to the left chest*

In the wee hours of the night, a riding I went. The coolness of the midnight air embraced my body, soothing it comfortably. The warmth on the back of my body served as a gentle reminder how lovely it was to have companionship. Companionship. -siGh-

Giving me a headache just thinking too much of that word. *shrugs* Guess I'll cool my head later in the day. Going to Pasir Gudang again. wheee....vroom vrr vrrr vrrroooommmmm!!!

This is the 2nd generation of my maternal cousins. Nana is the first to get married. Had always thought that she would be the first anyway. Heh. On such a happy occasion, think this 2nd generation of cousins has started to be pressurised. Cause when 1 goes, when is the next ?

Relatives far and near that I met, those that I recognised and those I did not as well, all asked the same question over & over again. "Ridak...bila pulak?" Aiyoh, Luckily my mum (of all people) saved my day on numerous occasions. She easily passed the phrase, "Kalau lum ada matair macam mana nak kawin."

Oh well, the show still went on. It started, for me, on friday afternoon making a cameo appearance. Busybody you may say. Just showing face at the bride's house. As most of the deco & area was worked on that night, I was lazing at work. Haha.

Saturday came and I have to make an apology for I was supposed to have attended a friends wedding midday but only rose from my sleep at 3+pm. Sorry to Hisna and the gang, that I didnt turn up. Congrats to siti noraini on her wedding.

As soon as I arrived at 4+ my tasks had suddenly been piling up. The designated driver for all things extra. So I was off sending and collectiing materials around the island, ensuring that things would go smoothly. A surprise popped up beside my van in Tampines, literally. What a priceless look. siGh.

The evening solemnization proceeded smoothly. Yours truly was suddenly given the task of the family videoman. The unofficial video of the wedding. Heh. Look who's caught on camera in the far end. Haha. Alhamdulillah all was smooth sailing.

After the night's procession, again I was driving around, this time sending people home. My driving license is really exploited, heh, as the family doesnt seem to trust others who have licences ;p. Haha. Ending the drive, I detoured to pay a visit to Farbs sister ceremony. Met familiar faces and we chatted for a while before I made my exit. Had to drop sotong off at hougang first.

That part ended, it started my night watch. The security guard on duty. Somehow all the relatives had gone home, leaving me to guard the dias sleepily. (-_-) The night went slow, of course. The sun finally rose and I managed to catch an hours nap before I headed home to change and rush back as my driving skills were in demand again. I drove the 20 seater bus to pick up the marhaban group in the morning. Sent that back as well 2 hours later. It was only midday, but my legs and eyes were already very2 heavy. Oh the nasi minyak was finger licking good, courtesy of Hassan Rabit Co.

The groom's entrouge finally arrived. What a sight. 5 Blackbirds escorted the wedding car from the front! Wow what a bikers dream. I havent even mentioned the bikes behind the car. There were at least 20 of them, mostly Blackbirds. Strangely my sister holding the camera didnt even take 1 shot of that glorious scene. Wasted.

The arrival of the groom made me $10 richer. Haha. The male cousins had formed a blockade to the reception. We were the 2nd line after my still bachelor uncle formed the 'front line.' Wonder how much he got. Haha.

Thats as much as it got. From there the reception was just all about picture snapping and more eating. This is one weekend that I really ate. Of course when all was over, I was back to my driving, sending the band instruments to their home, as well as the band members home. I arrived back to Bedok Nth, finding only the dias still up. Phew what a tiring day.

It doesnt really matter who is the bride or groom, as long as they are family, think i'll give my best to help them. As long as I'm invited of course. Haha. The bride's mum remark at the end of the day is worth blogging it up. Think it goes something like,

"Thanks eh Ridak, InsyaAllah nanti bila ko kawin, kalau cik tak tua sangat, cik tolong ka majlis ko."

Wonder when that'll be. So thats the line of the day for Sunday 4th June. Enjoy the best pics that I have... (Oh I got to say this after browsing through the pics. My sister is lousy with the camera.)

I am really dead beat. Its all worth it. Ensuring the success of my dear cousin's wedding over the weekend. Alhamdulillah, all's well & ended well. But I'm not having all the pics with me tonight. And I'm not really in the mood for a long entry now. So I'll just put in 2 pics... the first is her last day as a single lady a.k.a anak dara. The 2nd is jus minutes away from her solemnization. With her mum and me (",)



Its never really great to wake up on the wrong side of bed uh ? My guess is when poeple do get up from the wrong side of bed, people around them, those they care for will the the target of ventings of somethings which is theoretically nonsense.

I have been at the wrong side of people who wake up at the wrong side of bed. Sheesh what a feeling. Its lousy. Already with my inate feelings coupled with what people give me, its just adding unwanted negativity thats all around me.

I for one, at the moment can never wake up at the wrong side of bed. I have cleverly positioned the computer to block my movemnet from the 'wrong side' of bed. Heh. Its strange sometimes when I really do have that feeling to get up on that side, yet all I see is a blank computer screen in front of me.

When the screen is not empty, I'd probably be lucky to get 1 out of the many poeple that can shine my life up. This morning though, 2 of them appeared. But however none seemed to have helped in any manner. Had already missed breakfast, am I going to be that 'lucky' to with lunch ?

And so the fingers danced on the keyboard, providing some magestical relief to my eyesight as the words were coined (no doubt edited a few times) to overcome sad upheavals. Question is, did it reduce the tension or add to an already tought line ...?



Well funnily after I penned this down, I had an immense urge to complete an unveiling. I did say before, something unexpected became expected. True to my word I will introduce her today.

I had been delayed yesterday for pictures were not taken of us together. This morning I made sure there would be no more, no more delay what so ever.

Introducing my 2nd bike, the 7th in total...ermm still figuring out a name for her. Just rolled her out from the shop yesterday. Totally jambu. Looks like a brand new k4/k5 model. When it fact its a re-cond 'many2' hand GSX400 custom made with a single seater and a street legal yoshimura end can.

Still figuring what to name her. Christina Alicia sounds okie ? so it'll be Christy or Alice for short. Heh. or maybe Delilah. haha better still Dianni. *smurks* terbatuk2 anak cik Abdul Samad tu =P

Of Poetic Unveilings on 2nd June 2006...
Like I have always mentioned, my life is a total epitome of a rollercoaster ride.

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
- Alexander Graham Bell -

Guessed what popped out during all the cleaning & packing ?? Something so significant & a treasure of my past life. So wonderful this thing, thats part of my dream when I first had a bike. Out stumbled my old single seater. I had thought it was lost. After the accident & death of my dream bike, a SRAD750 '97, "mar no.2", here lies the reamains of what has been resurected.

It made me smile abit, when I first saw it. How could I not. I had treasured that bike so much. For when I first started riding, I had told myself I had to ride a SRAD750. So when I finally had it to myself, I was star strucked. Further to that, I had found one that was in such a wonderful condition, internal & extearnally. It even came with the single seater above. Heh, something which came as an irony. As with the introduction of the single seater, soon came singlehood. -shrugs-

Oh well...

But that bike riding experience was damn shortlived. Damn short, really. But I'll wait for my independance day anniversary to pay tribute & homage to "mar no.2"

And since I know you don't read this blog, anymore :( I don't care. (please continue to read when you have time :( please) I'm posting one of my favourite pics ever. Both my Mars' when I had them.

If I'm not mistaken, this was our last pics as a 'couple' together. Before my stuipidy overcame me at the end of that fateful February in 2005 :(

I always end up tripping on the first hurdle don't I.

And with a start of a new month, a new post to say it out loud. I thought for once I could move over to another quietly, though wanting so much to bang with results. Thinking it seems doesn't always come hand in hand with results. Or rather events that happen. It always seem to be way out of our control but is it really ?

Are the events in our life really out of our control ? Issit really ?

Its because I chose to be online today. I chose to click on your nick when you popped up. I chose to fill up the message box. I chose to send said message. I chose.

So its none so much surprising that the events that occured soon after really happened. I made it happen. It was all down to me. June, I thought, would start nicely but alas it had to go the sad way. A sad start. An emotional start as always.

Always I had percieved myself to be a choker. Someone who just couldn't perform at the last instance. Someone that couldn't last that extra last mile. Somone that would trip at the last hurdle to success. Today I realised that I fare badly in starts as well. I tripped on the first hurdle. I know I would go on to be better. I'd go on to get better things as normal. Just at the brims of 'success,' I'd just have to be wary of the last hurdle. For I've seen it flash many times in my life already, how I screw things I painstakingly built. For I choke. In the last lap, I always choke and under-perform.

Today's event are none so different. Tripping on the first instance. Only to pick myself up very optimistically in hoping for the best things later in the day. Yah, something good came out today, that though was already expected and was actually behind schedule. The rest of the day ?

Tiredlessly spent waiting.

No promises.

So that sums up a positively good month ahead ?? So full of activities this month. Yet why does it start on this note. So so low this tenor, this low key note.


Truly...
my life is an epitome of a rollercoaster ride.

Having life less ordinary is a very intresting feeling. Very intresting scenarios would just pop at you in such provocative manners that, though weird & appelling, I'd somehow manage to just find a lil inch of space to wiggle through it unscathed.

Of course such complexity, as weird as it gets, doesn't arise everyday. More so often the lines of nuetrality is a good fix of expression & resentment. Much like a rollercoaster ride, you don't certainly get the screams all the way do you ? Neither would you be awed at the fine scenery, as you're pulled up before plunging to the depths of humanity & hell, all the time.

I was recently asked an ironic question, "how is my life ?" What a question. And the answer that I blurted out was soo soo perfect, that it made the person request me to share more insights of my life to her. Heh. All true to being a rollercoaster ride.

Life is fair. Many would rebuff at this but certainly life is fair.

Now all I need to do is remind myself on this and face life with my fullest efforts. Today is the 1st of June. The first of a new month, just want to try to get all good things going again.

Though I pleaded, heh, the end of May was still a rollercoaster. Amazingly how in 1 day so many things can go up & down. In good & in bad. Its starting to really make my brain havoc, yet as much trouble it creates, its teaching me valuable life lessons. I just got to jot all this down to serve as future referances.

All in all, May has been 1 eventful month. And with a passing, starts a new begining...
...I hope ;P